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About bear//faced

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    brockhamption and Frank Ocean and daft punk

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  1. probably in the lowest point in my life right now,, :') theres probably some rule somewhere that says i cant tell you i want to kill myself but i do

  2. im not on any meds but i take melatonin to sleep sometimes. thats usually what i try to do usually
  3. i dont know if this is the righ board to post this on but it seemed like the best so sorry if this isnt appropriate. Every time i see someone on the internet talk about intrusive thoughts they always make jokes about "eating sand" or having song lyrics stuck in their head. Sometimes this makes me feel really weird and isolated because mine are often about rape, incest, swallowing tacks and pins, swerving off the road or jumping off of tall buildings. Am i the only one who has intrusive thoughts like this? Sometimes they get so bad they effect me physically , wherein i can feel my joints move to jump or my throat clench at the feeling of swallowing tacks. This makes me feel so bad even typing this out because any time i speak about it people think im violent but these arent thoughts i want. Dose anyone else have these and how do you get rid of them? I try to get rid of them by counting or reciting what im doing in my head to push them out//
  4. some background. I grew up poor and most of my memories are from the housing crash of 2008. So i grew up eating meager meals in a crappy neighborhood and wearing clothes until they wore out. After the housing crisis and i was in middleschool my parents got divorced and i lived with my mom. We were even more poor, so much so that we couldnt pay utilities sometimes. My dad was so poor that he was homeless for a year and lived with a friend for another year before he got a duplex apartment. Now my mom is married to a rich man with a rich mom and a rich family and im living in a nice middle class house with a middle class zip code. so why do i feel so guilty whenever i get something from my mom or when she buys me things i need? I went school clothes shopping yesterday and i was filled with gut wrenching guilt every time i would look at the prices for my clothes. when my mom said she spent 400 dollars in all for me and my siblings it made me feel even worse. nothing was really expensive by any means but any dollar spent on me makes me feel like im terrible and vain and shouldnt need anything. Even though thats not true. Ive been walking around with one pair of jeans and sneakers with holes in them because im too scared to ask for new ones. it really sucks because my parents are really understanding and great. dose anyone else who grew up poor feel this way? just asking to make sure im not crazy//
  5. uhh so during summer i have nothing to do except draw and play videogames all day so i stay up all night smoking weed and watching netflix and youtube and i go to bed at like 5-6 in the morning and its terrible for me. I just woke up and its 4:25 in the afternoon and i cant get myself out of bed to go eat or brush my teeth. I feel like im made of stone or something. Even grabbing my laptop to write this felt like a challenge. I sound like a pussy lmao. Uhhh i just want to feel like im not empty and i can do things without feeling like shit about it. also school starts really soon and i cant keep this up.
  6. this is kind of confusing lolĀ 

  7. one sentience redacted because it violated the guidelines
  8. I kind of made this account on a whim at 3 in the morning on a thursday but i guess i just want to rant Ive been clean for about two years no sometimes i did little things to hurt myself but nothing i never considered that """self harm""" i guess because i couldnt get in trouble for it// I relapsed for real last weekend and while i was doing it i liked it and it "took me back" i guess// But now i regret it so much, the florida summer is not forgiving and ive been wearing thick crewnecks every day// i forgot how much the aftermath sucked but i still want to do it again// Ive been seeking out triggering content nearly every day stuff on instagram mostly// Its not helping and im getting more depressed every day// I was supposed to hang out with my friend before he left for Europe but i canceled because i was so anxious to leave the house also to go to his house alone// Ive been canceling plans a week in advance, that ive had planned for weeks// i left my house yesterday to go the mall and wondered around for 2 hours alone// mostly this is a rant about how shitty ive been feeling for the past week. sorry// probably never going to post again idk https://soundcloud.com/premeseams/bearface-quiver?in=popsiclesordeath/sets/ciaran-2
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