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About RhenahChrist

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    Reading & Drawing While Stoned

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  1. So I suffer from split thinking quite a lot. People are good, or they're bad. No in between. And when they're bad, I go apeshit crazy. Fuckin mad episodes of rage. For those with BPD (or any of the cluster B personalities), how do you control your anger/impulses when your emotions skyrocket?
  2. Hey! I'm sorry about your dad. I can relate to your post so much. One thing I've been trying to do is just show compassion for myself--for my illness, for the back and forth phases of recovery, for the lack of friends, for whatever stage of growth or non-growth. It's so easy to beat up on ourselves for having disorders, but it's not our fault, you know? I think a lot of times we self-loath is because we have this like societal image in our minds..."I should be this way instead of that way" or "I should like people, socialize, have goals...I should be doing this instead of that." And it sucks, because its like we're automatically viewing ourselves through this deficit lens, as someone who's lacking all these things, forgetting about our strengths and assets. Me, I know I'll never be perfect. Most research studies say I'm incapable of true empathy and remorse, so how's that for networking and friendship? Lol, it's sad, but I realize I'm unique, and so the definitions I create for myself (in terms of wholeness, happiness) have to be unique too. Wholeness & happiness don't have to evade me..because I can decide what those terms actually mean for me. And right now, happiness is watching independent films & eating ice cream. It's just like, I try and remember that there's still a suffering child inside me, who's been beaten on all her life. I don't want to beat on her too you know? She doesn't deserve it. Look forward to seeing you post. "Temporary loneliness is not perpetual isolation." -- Anonymous
  3. That because my mother did drugs, I would most likely do drugs too and that for that reason, I couldn't be prescribed anti-anxiety meds.
  4. I don't mind it, especially if I know the person's intentions. My best friend has schizophrenia, and we have the best laughs. Idk humor is better than apathy, or that kinda nervous, large-eyed, "I've-never-met-people-with-MI-what-do-I-say" frozen response I get from most people. Sometimes I have to crack MI jokes about myself just to loosen them up...that is, if I care enough not to completely ignore them.
  5. Ahh, how I wish I could have been on crazyboards in 2013! Would have spared me a lot of heartache. Thank you for calling attention to this.
  6. hi i'm rhenah, I'll be honest, I'm kinda nervous. I just joined like 10 minutes ago, and idk, is it safe to admit that cyberspace scares me a little? So many accounts and forums...which is cool! but...just hoping I can find some real human connection. I thought Facebook was that space, but nah I'm here cause I lost my last real friend today. After a series of bad arguments (that I started ), they finally blocked me on all platforms. Said they had to leave me to protect their mental health, & that I threatened their growth. And it just made me feel like shit cause this always happens, you know? I'm always alienating people who care about me, till they just give up and abandon me. And I don't mean do it...like deep down I think i'm a good person (despite all the fucked up shit that's happened to me) but no one sees that...Idk I just feel like why exist at all, you know..if no one sees the real me. Or if they see the real me, but don't wanna stick around... I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major depression, generalized anxiety, and depersonalization. One big fucking heap of drama & sadness is all I can manage to say right now...it's hard for me to like write long posts. I'm just hoping i can connect. Hoping I can find a friend(s) that makes me feel like being alive matters, like there are people who are capable of understanding. Mental illness is trending right now, you know, everyone has anxiety or depression, and now its like your "illness" has to meet these certain like...social "markers" or checkpoints or whatver, or else no one fucking cares. But my mind isn't like that. I'm not like that. Idk, its just like...why not kill myself right now? Sorry. But yeah that's me. Anybody want to be friends?
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