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About gabagaba

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  1. Ack! OCD ordering me around,

  2. Oh and my signature here is old and i don't know how to change it. DX and RX are in my profile.
  3. Every morning i wake up with paralyzing anxiety. i feel it so very physically. There is an anvil on my chest and deep breathing is impossible. My breath just gets stuck. My body is tense,and my heart feels like it is being squeezed. My morning meds help with the physical manifestations of my anxiety,but not with my incessant worry. i am always waiting for something terrible to happen. This could be in part due to my OCD as i tend to ruminate a whole lot.It could also be in part due to my PTSD. My middle name is "Worst Case Scenarios". "What if this happens,what would i do?" What if what if what if? i've done a lot of CBT and DBT,but i have trouble applying the skills i have learned. How to cope with all the "What-If's?
  4. My nerves are on fire.

  5. i have words or phrases or say,names of actors invade my head- They actually do cause me to feel anxious-simply because they are out of nowhere and so so maddening...
  6. dancesintherain, i'm not sure,as of this morning whether i am indeed in a safe enough place..yesterday in my session i felt strong enough to start delving into things....i don't know-i have been avoiding trauma therapy for a long time,and thought that i would be strong enough to handle it,but,maybe i am not ready....at any rate i left a message for my pdoc/tdoc to call me today,i am a mess.
  7. Thank You for your reply,Juniper... Yes,just yesterday my pdoc/tdoc and i were working on my retraumatization issue-which brings up a lot of things i just don't want to think about or feel,and although i woke up feeling....ok,suddenly this wave came over me that i could not cope with,it was just too intense.So,impulsively,i self harmed. My lorazepam does help,a little anyway.
  8. i feel so powerful when i restrict,such a high when the number on the scale goes down..... How to let go? Because truly,at the bottom of this i am miserable. i have run from tx so many times...please,if you have the chance to go into treatment,give it a chance...i regret running.
  9. i'm so sorry! new here,but that is no excuse,i am so very sorry! i do have a wonderful pdoc/tdoc-we had been focusing on my OCD,but we now beginning trauma therapy....
  10. *TW* Graphic Ever since getting outta hospital i have still been self harming.... something tangible,to see my pain on the outside.Evidence of my pain inside..... i am so anxious this morning, *HOW* to self soothe,in a healthy manner? Am i alone in this? Feeling alone in this.
  11. Thank You for the validation,echolocation..... think at this point i am now addicted to it again
  12. Thank You,Juniper, for reminding me that my 12 years still matter,and that i can indeed start again.... Thank You for the hug too.
  13. so i just got outta the hospital about...a week? ago. before then i hadn't self harmed in over 12 years. while in there i actually think i might be going even crazier. i have anorexia,and because they had no idea what to do with me as far as eating i had things like a nurse standing over me while i was forced to choke down two pieces of banana bread- my eating got better throughout my admission when i asked if i could eat outside of the dining room/lounge,and when my pdoc made it a goal for me to start eating over the week end- Anyhow,sorry,this the self harm board- So.i spent a whole lotta time in in my room-this was different than other admissions i've had where i have actually connected with other patients...but,there was like a whole young group of musicians who spent everyday when ever they could,singing and playing guitar-don't get me wrong was great they found this so therapeutic but it was driving me mad-the same songs everyday over and over and over again- This was only a pathetic (sorry) part of how i began self harming again-it was first after i received a very less than supportive,mean telephone call from someone i care about very much i could not cope with it..so-after 12 years-i self harmed- My nurse found out and was clued out. i said i dunno could you get me some ice.came back with ice pack which didn't didn't really work-but i ended up carrying it around the ward like Linus from Peanuts carries his blanket. she put me in the quiet room- anyhow i found a new way of self harming in there,in my room-and ended up telling my favourite nurse who wasn't my nurse that day but who kindly came to check on me. when i finally saw my doctor she attributed it to my being too confined for so long and a sign i was ready to leave. i dunno. Discharged. Still self harming. Can't stop. Feel like hanging my head in shame that i ruined 12 years being free of it. And that self loathing over this only fuels this,you know? M'Kay,this has been far far too long a ramble,which may not make much sense here at 5:19 in the morning. i'm sorry..
  14. Yeah hi er um so um yeah hi ok um. (can you tell i have social anxiety disorder? Um yeah among other things...)
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