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gabagaba

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Everything posted by gabagaba

  1. Thank you both. I am going in on Wednesday for 6 weeks. I am scared but more calm (so far) than I expected. I feel better prepared for this this time and I think it will help that I am not currently in a depression. I feel really motivated to recover once and for all. I hope I can make this work this time.
  2. Well, the hospital called me last week and I had my assessment for inpatient treatment this morning. I could be going in as soon as next week. I am so glad,so grateful but so utterly terrified. This is so shocking.I wasn't expecting to hear from them until August. I am ready to embrace recovery but at the same time it is incredibly scary. Who am I without this? Is it possible I could live a rich life completely free of this? I'm scared.
  3. I am so glad you have your ED mostly under control....would not wish the amount of misery I am going through upon you..I hope you can eventually be rid of it altogether.I am so sorry you can relate at all... That is great how you faced and dealt with your OCD.That certainly isn't easy either....
  4. Thank you so much for your continued support and validation,jarn. I do have some optimism about the ACT team.They were very helpful the last time I worked with them.
  5. My pdoc said he wondered if I were to need to go back to emerg. if that would expedite things,but I am not sure.Years ago,when I was hospitalized for refeeding just for 10 days they really fought for my assessment to be pushed up. At my current weight,if I don't turn it around soon I will be headed very likely to a general pysch unit. I am also going to start working with an ED ACT team that I worked with years ago which is a positive...
  6. I dunno...the last time i was hospitalized after my heavily restricting and my overdose I did do well with eating,but fell backwards as soon as I got out.And I think it was about a year or so ago? I was in our major mental health centre and underwent refeeding,then soon went inpatient in the ED program at another hospital but didn't last long in the program. I fear if I keep going the way I am going soon I won't have any choice as far as being admitted to a general pysch unit... My pdoc has never really threatened me with putting me on a form but I know he would if he felt my health was in danger. I have an appointment with him today.Will see what he says...
  7. I would so love to be able to do an inpatient intensive OCD program but sadly to my none exist in Canada,at least not that I am aware of,will ask my pdoc. But years ago it was why I was referred to MacLean in Boston....nothing here. Ah well.
  8. Well.Another update.(Sorry for so so many posts here...) Just got an email from the coordinator letting me though that they had received my referral. The wait time for an assessment is approximately 4 months. I am currently,by their hospital's standards,nearly 40 lbs underweight. I will disappear within 4 months. It goes on to say that my doctors are responsible for my medical monitoring while I am awaiting an assessment. They said that my doctors "Should support me with emergency room visits."| This is all so very tragic.It means so so many are suffering right now. I am scared.
  9. Oh I forgot about NEDIC,thank you.They will likely refer me to Sheena's Place,but they would be empathetic people to talk to for sure. Thank you for reminding me of them.
  10. Thank you so much... Thank you so much for your support through this.... My pdoc was amazing today taking care of everything for me. Now..now i just wait and try not to freak out too terribly much. Thank you again.
  11. Thank you,jarn.I appreciate your telling me I am deserving...tough for me to believe though. Finally talked to my pdoc a little while ago and he is putting the referral in for me.I am both relieved and terrified. I really have to make this work this time.I am going to have ask staff for a lot of extra support around managing my anxiety my first week there so I don't run...but,once again I am getting way way ahead of myself. I don't even know how long I will have to wait for my assessment...but at least now the ball is rolling huh?
  12. Yes,Homewood.... There is also Westwind in Brandon,Manitoba,but it is also hundreds of dollars a day and it doesn't have the best reputation.My pdoc had other suggestions for a couple of newer residential places that had opened up,but I found out they are only for adolescents. Ugh.That reminds me-i will likely be the oldest in treatment again.This makes me feel so guilty about taking a spot from someone much younger who as I said,has their whole life ahead of them...there is also the fact that I will have little in common with the other patients other than our EDs.Just different life circumstances for someone in their 40's than someone in their 20's...I am coping with issues to do with an aging parent for example,how could they possibly relate to that? But I am probably being hypercritical and ungracious without even meeting them yet... Tremendous Guilt Always. And,I don't even have the referral in yet so I am getting way way ahead of myself aren't I? Sorry.
  13. Thank you,jarn. A few years ago my pdoc suggested a program in Guelph,but it is $500 a day (maybe more by now) and they only had one bed for ohip coverage.I don't know why- I am sure it is the same with other programs in other provinces,but i will look into them.It can't hurt. Missed my pdoc's call yet again but he left me a message that he had talked to the woman at the hospital with the partial program and she gave him the number of the intake person for inpatient,he wanted to speak to me first but it looks like he will put the referral in for me.I am sure he will.They take the "sickest" patients first-I don't know if I am "sick enough" compared to other people,but my bmi is pretty low right now.Maybe I won't have to wait very long.... Ten beds!!! What is wrong with our government in its lack of funding for mental health?!? It just makes me livid!
  14. Thank you so much for the idea... I would actually love to go to residential rather than do another hospital program,but my pdoc says my province rarely pays for treatment in the US..
  15. Thank you for your reply,jarn. I would so so love to have intensive treatment for my OCD but I don't know where- Years ago an inpatient pdoc I had referred me to MacLean in Boston but of course I couldn't get funding. Anyway,I heard from the hospital that has the partial program.First she said they never received any referral,that i would have to call the EDU at the other hospital and have them resend it. But then she asked me what my BMI is.and of course when I told her she said they wouldn't accept me.She told me to call the other hospital or go to emerg. GAH!!!! I have been to emerg and they would not help me!!! Still waiting to hear from my pdoc. I hope he doesn't put me on a form.He always says he doesn't like to do it but if I refuse to go back to emerg.... I don't know what to do next.I'll see what he says I guess.
  16. Thank you so much for caring....that means the world to me right now during this lonely time for me. Thank you.
  17. Yes,it is very frustrating.This evening finds me in a really grouchy mood thinking that i really couldn't care less anymore what happens to me. I'm sorry. My pdoc is not attached to any hospital.although wherever I have been hospitalized in the past he has been great about advocating for my care. He called late this evening but I missed his call.He apologized for calling so late but had had to catch up on long weekend calls all day.He also hadn't had time to call the hospital with the partial program.but he said he would tomorrow and call me to check in. I think I maybe I better have him at least put in a referral to ip for me since my weight continues to drop and the waiting list is so long. I have appreciated CB as I reached out to NEDA"s board in the states and got zero support.It is a very cliquey board. Maybe it is because I am Canadian I dunno. I binged today something fierce and loathed myself for losing control like that... It seems an endless struggle and I suppose both frustration about fighting for treatment and having a starved brain is affecting my mood. I really don't want to crash like a couple of months ago,but along with my ED springtime is really rough on me so..yeah. Anyway. That is my update. Thank you for listening and for your support,jarn.
  18. Thank you for the validation,jarn. I felt like I was being annoying and whiny posting again.... I am actually in Toronto as well,and I used to attend Sheena's place groups.The last time I went though,I found myself incredibly triggered,and there were one or two people who really monopolized the discussion.The facilitator didn't really do much to try and include everyone.But here I go again with my "Yeah but-" I'm so sorry.It certainly can't hurt to try another one of their groups again.Thank you so much for the suggestion.For reminding me. As I am sure you know,there is one hospital with a world wide reputation of being the "gold standard" of ED treatment.Their php program is at another hospital.IP has only ten beds.Ten. Despite years of advocacy by mental health professionals,ED organizations and individuals,the provincial and federal governments refuse to fund ED treatment programs,even though as you know I am sure,that EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. So.people sit on waiting lists,and while they wait,they die.Either due to physical consequences of their EDs or of suicide. But,again,forgive me,I am certain you know all this. I do not want to become a statistic.But my pdoc has already agreed that I suffer from a "Severe enduring eating disorder." My quality of life right now is-well what quality of life? But I am whining again I am so so sorry. My pdoc is going to call the hospital with the the partial program tomorrow but I will probably just ask him to at least put me on the waiting list for an assessment for ip. And if my depression gets any worse I *will* admit myself to the major mental health centre in our city....even though I swore I would never go back there... Jarn,thank you so much for being here. I appreciate it more than you know. I really didn't think it was ok to write even more about my situation...
  19. Another reply to my own reply....hope that is alright?? Just need someplace to...vent I suppose. Made the huge mistake of buying a ton of candy the other day,and sleep ate a whole lot of it.Only hazy,hazy memory of having done so,but woke up to evidence of it in my bed and in the trash,all these wrappers.Out of control. Having food dreams a lot.All I was dreaming the night before last was a long drawn out dream about various kinds of bread. A very bad sign. In the past,when I had started having food dreams it meant that I was at that point very ill. Pdoc will be back in the office on Tuesday and will call the hospital with the partial program to find out the satuts of my referral.He ha wanted me to admit myself over the long weekend to the major mental health centre (Not a regular hospital,they only deal with mental health) but I refused,only after briefly considering it. They really really push ECT there,which at this point i don't feel I need and they tend to try and mess with your meds which i do NOT want them doing.They just police my eating for 10 days then discharge me back to my same situation and i need a specialized ED program.no matter how long the waiting list is. Please forgive my "Yeah but-" negativity.The ED,I suppose,breeds,among other things,a truly negative mindset. Hope was ok to post again....sorry if not ok to ramble on about myself again.....
  20. Thank you,jarn....panic has passed only to be replaced by dejection. ER doc talked to me for 5 minutes.Told me they don't do admissions through emerg,??? Huh? Snotty pysch nurse talked to me for 5 minutes. Pompous crisis worker talked to me for 5 minutes. They would not help me even though I had said that my pdoc had recommended an admission. Got told it takes 6-9 months to get into the program. In the meantime my BMI is now in the "Extreme" category of anorexia. I am waiting to hear back from my pdoc but he may not be able to call me until Tuesday. I give up.
  21. Thank you so much,jarn. i do appreciate your support. On the verge of panic right now....so afraid I will have another terrible experience with them. Or,who knows,they may not even have any beds....
  22. Full of Springtime dread.Sunshine is oppressive.

  23. Thank you both for your support. I am still so scared. My pdoc said they will want to see I have a goal for admission so I suppose I could say I just need to get on track with my eating while I wait for my assessment.That it was really helpful during my last admission to be able to work with the EDU's dietcian. Also I should really tell them that I have been having the worst panic attacks of my life (My pdoc attributes these to my low weight),that springtime is my worst time of year for depression,that I have taped black garbage bags up on my windows to keep out the sunlight,that I am having more and more of a hard time leaving the house,and that I have a family stressor that is overwhelming me... If I go I had better go today so they can call my pdoc.It being a long weekend he won't be back in the office until Tuesday. I am up again at 2:16 AM and I am so so anxious about this and I have nobody to talk to.
  24. Well,I guess i could go in and just say that my pdoc wants me admitted and this is why.I'm sure he will talk to them.I am terrified of encountering some smug resident or crisis worker who will see me with a bag packed thinking i am looking for a vacation. This has happened to me in the past when I have tried to get help for myself.I never want to go through that again.
  25. So I was in emerg. yesterday for i.v.fluids. Talked to my pdoc today and he told me to go back and get myself admitted.i tried to tell him that they will just have me talk to some useless crisis worker who will tell me to use my ice pack,box breathing,and take Springtime walks. He doesn't think so. he told me to tell them that I am losing a lb a day and that I have already had to come in to be rehydrated once. I am scared to go in and just tell them this for them to just tell me to go home and eat. I highly highly doubt they will admit me unless I overdose again and i am scared of being humiliated. I don't know what to do, And it is a long weekend. I don't know what to do.
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