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Melancholya

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About Melancholya

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    female
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    New Zealand

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  1. Depressed again, who would have thought? Of course I am. 

    1. echolocation

      echolocation

      i'm sorry you've been feeling low, mel. it's dark in the pit, but you're not alone. how are you feeling today?

    2. Melancholya

      Melancholya

      Thanks so much for checking in. I'm feeling a bit better. Yesterday was hard because I'm sick with a cold. Obviously still sick today but mood has improved. I hope you are doing OK :)

    3. echolocation

      echolocation

      i'm glad your mood is better today. being sick always fucks with my mood, too. neocitran is my saving grace when i have colds. i have been doing alright lately, thank you for asking. :^)

  2. Well yeah, I have this personal narrative of being a failure, and because of past experiences of not doing well at studying or working, I have anxiety about getting a job and I can't trust myself to try to study again even if it was interesting. So that makes me feel directionless and meaningless. Lolol. I wish. Mine is pretty great though. He's a late 40s serious-faced Chilean man who has the odd moment of warmth and empathy. It sounds like it is really complicated to diagnose, especially in women as you say. I figure since my sister was diagnosed then there would be a likelihood of me having it. It's probably the depression talking but I keep thinking "maybe I'm just looking for an excuse for being a lazy failure". Maybe I am just a nobody who can't do anything worthwhile.
  3. First of all, I am not asking anyone here to diagnose me and I know that none of you can diagnose me anyway. But I am wondering if anyone can tell me whether my problems are worth asking for a diagnosis about. I am wondering if I have inattentive type ADHD. My sister was diagnosed a few years ago and one of her sons is the hyperactive type, I think. I have always found it difficult to pay attention in meetings at work. If asked what the meeting was about I was only ever able to give a vague answer. I dropped out of university because I could not listen to lectures. I also couldn't read my textbooks. I would read one sentence or paragraph over and over. Then I'd lose interest and procrastinate. I failed HALF of the papers I did, and didn't have great grades in the ones I passed. Anything I initially have an interest in, I seem to get bored of quickly. I feel bored a LOT. I can't concentrate on things I'm doing if there's music/talking/movement going on around me. I recently proofread an entire book for someone and it took me two months because I kept on procrastinating, or finding myself unable to focus on the words. I'd read a page or a paragraph and realise I didn't get the gist of what it was saying. I had to read it multiple times. I couldn't work on it for more than maybe 10-15 minutes at a time? I was always getting up and doing other things and then coming back to it. I can't remember details to save myself. I forget appointments pretty frequently. I do write stuff down, which helps, but then I often forget to look at what I wrote it on, or I lose the piece of paper/diary etc. House is a mess 24/7 and I constantly procrastinate on cleaning it or doing anything that requires effort. I took my daughter to the doctor last week and was then explaining to my parents-in-law why the doctor wouldn't give any treatment, and they were asking questions and I couldn't remember what the doctor had said. Things that were pretty significant and I SHOULD have remembered. At work I used to have to get people to describe things to me step by step, or list out details which I would then write down to keep track of. In the past five years I have finished about 2 novels (reading). I pick up a lot of books which I just don't have the stamina to get through. I put my phone down and a minute later I can't remember where I put it. I'll be on my way to do something and I'll become distracted by something else, and completely forget the first thing I was going to do. I have always put all these problems down to depression, despite being medicated for depression the past 13 years. My mood always improved with the meds but never anything else that I thought would get better with depression treatment. Or I just figured it was my personality and I need to try harder. But I never try harder because I get bored or things feel cognitively too hard. Am I lazy and stupid? Does any of this sound relatable to you all? Mind you, I am taking lamotrigine, and I think it has affected my cognition somewhat. I seem to experience a bit of aphasia now. I basically feel like a failure at everything because I can't apply myself to or focus on anything enough to succeed. Edit: forgot to include that I don't think I had these problems as a kid. Although some of my report cards say that I could do better if I applied myself. I don't remember enough about how I did at school to know for sure. I certainly didn't have hyperactivity and I wasn't disruptive. I know at intermediate and high school I struggled immensely though.
  4. Just came here to say I am like this too. Also, my daydreams are always so much better than my actual life, that I feel more and more depressed with my actual life, lol.
  5. I have this same problem with SSRIs and SNRIs. I hear you. It is frustrating and at times has been upsetting for me and contributed to more depression. I don't know much about ADHD medication, but a few months back I convinced my then-psychiatrist to let me try bupropion (wellbutrin). It's an antidepressant that works on norepinephrine and dopamine, not serotonin. It is I think the only antidepressant that helps libido and sexual dysfunction aside from Remeron.. It has been a godsend for me in that area of things. Additionally, I also recently learned that it is sometimes prescribed for ADHD! so this could be a really good option for you. Another thing I know is that buspirone (buspar) can be prescribed alongside SSRIs to help sexual dysfunction. I wonder if it also helps that way with ADHD meds? I'm very novice about this stuff and there are much more knowledgeable people here than me. Perhaps @mikl_pls or @browri can offer more. They have been extremely helpful to me and also @argh. Good luck!! I really hope there's something better for you to try. Sexual dysfunction is crushing.
  6. I've never heard of this before. Where did you buy the kit? Is there a website or product page for it online so i can see it?
  7. You can use the phone at work?! Well done. I haaaaate phonecalls
  8. Are you back at work today? Hope it goes well!
  9. Struggling. Have the "everything sucks and I'm a failure" story going through my head.
  10. Yeah it took me a long time to be OK about jets! I still get the heebie jeebies sometimes. I've not yet taken a bath in our spa bath tub (and we've lived in our house for a year and a half) because I don't like the jets. And the sound of it all going. In fact, the first thing I'm gonna get when we renovate our bathroom is a fricken NORMAL BATH.
  11. Wow that's really interesting! Is it only wild animals? What about photos of pets? That is really interesting. I'm afraid of heights too, but I always have been.
  12. I have this really strange phobia. I don't know if it has a name. But I get freaked out by the insides of things where you can see mechanical parts or wiring or pipes etc. I'll give some examples. In our bathroom there is a light in the ceiling surrounded by some heat lamps. They're those big lamp kinda light bulbs and the covering around them doesn't go around them tightly. So when I'm in the shower and I look up at them, there is a gap around each lamp and I can see into the ceiling and see some wires and stuff. I get almost a panic looking at it. Then I have to keep my eyes away from the ceiling and I feel freaked out for the rest of my shower. It doesn't always happen but if I do look up there at it I then have anxiety bother me until I leave the bathroom. Another example is that our bathtub is a spa-bath and there's this plank of wood at one end that you lift up to get to the controls of the spa. It falls in sometimes and shows some of the interior of the walls and the insulation, plus part of the spa controls. I always have to get my husband to put it back in place because I can't handle looking in there. I can't look at the inside of the top of the toilet. I hate that fucking ball thing that indicates how high the water level is. I can't look inside our ceiling. Our air venting system is up there and I am super freaked out by the thought of looking at it. I never want to see it. Even sometimes when I can hear it whirring overhead, it makes me think of the machinery above me and I get anxious. Interestingly, I am okay looking under the hood of a car. So I don't think it's always mechanical things. Maybe it's to do with things that are normally concealed being exposed? But I don't have any particular fear of that with human bodies or whatever. Maybe it's just to do with dark places? But actually in any spa bath I feel anxious because of the sound of the motor and pump and jets going. And the big drain in the middle freaks me out so much I stick to the sides and can't even rest my feet down there. When the drain in our shower needs cleaning my husband has to do it because I can't handle lifting it up and seeing the pipe below. Anyway, isn't that strange? Anyone else have a strange-to-explain phobia?
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