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About Lapis.Lazuli

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  1. I have several issues here regarding OCD in my personal case. I am absolutely terrified of contaminating myself or others with deadly diseases/germs/MRSA/etc... this includes my cats. I haven't been able to really touch or pet my cats. I'm using gloves to touch door handles and curtains. Any time I feel even a tiny twinge of something touching me or a nerve misfiring, I instantly think a bat has bitten me or touched me and I am going to die of Rabies. In response to these issues, I wash my hands excessively. I stand at the sink for a long time washing. In my mind, a voice tells me to keep washing and commands me to do so. It says if I don't do so, either myself or others I have contaminated will get very ill and maybe even die. To give an example, it's sort of like: "Go wash your hands NOW. Okay, keep washing and scrubbing. I don't care if your hands are cut and bleeding and raw. Keep washing. Scrub your skin off. DON'T STOP! Keep washing. That's not clean enough. Don't you feel the contamination on your skin? Wash your hands again. Everyone you love is going to die. Keep washing. Keep washing. Keep washing. Keep washing. Keep washing." A lot of times, it goes on and on until I literally have this urge to kick and punch walls. I feel like destroying things around me because I feel out of control. Do I need a radical treatment like Deep Brain Stimulation for my OCD where they implant electrodes into your brain? I read it has been approved by the FDA for the treatment of treatment-resistant OCD. Can anyone advise?
  2. I don't take Xanax anymore. I'm only on Klonopin and Ativan. Xanax doesn't last very long in your system and it hits hard and fast and goes away just as quickly. It's good for Panic Disorder patients because of how strong it is and how fast it hits. I kind of think 3 mg a day was a bit excessive, especially to start out immediately on that dosage. I was sleeping all day (very peacefully, albeit). I do miss the good sleep it gave me. I was in-patient any ways, so I didn't really have anything going on. I did still go to groups and attend meal times though. So I didn't think it was a huge problem. Oh, and it also helped alleviate my social anxiety a good bit! Xanax is awesome! I was actually thinking about switching back to it instead of the Ativan and maybe even dropping the Klonopin too.
  3. Been in and out of sleep all day. Been having nightmares all day. I feel very disoriented. I feel psychologically damaged. Well, I feel like running away. But I know that's not the answer. Because "wherever you go, there you are". I can't escape myself. I just want a moment of peace. I have none of that.
  4. I wouldn't think it to be a placebo affect. But it is a very very low dose IMO... I know I wouldn't personally even FEEL that low of a dose of Xanax... I need at least 1 mg. When my in-patient Pdoc put me on a daily Xanax regimen... it was 1 mg three times per day. It worked very well but also made me sleep a lot (but I slept GOOD).
  5. I feel envious. I wish I hadn't developed Diabetes. Good on ya for keeping an eye on your situation and taking appropriate action and achieving awesome results!
  6. If it were me, I would continue with the Zyprexa Zydis and not even bother getting on the Seroquel XR at all. They are both notorious for weight gain and blood sugar issues any ways. Plus you are on a good daily dose of Metformin to combat blood sugar and weight issues. I wouldn't worry too much about taking the Zyprexa Zydis but I would ask your GP to monitor your blood sugar and have your A1c tested as well on the regular. Also, glad to hear you are feeling better and able to get to the gym and such! That's a HUGE feat! It's more than what I can do, that's for sure!
  7. I feel apprehensive about tomorrow. There is an event I must attend and I will be sitting upright for 3 to 4 hours. I'm actually terrified because I generally can't sit upright for longer then an hour or 2 without starting to feel sick and like I'll pass out if I don't lay down right away. I'll also need to be near a bathroom because I have bathroom attacks every day since having my gallbladder taken out over a year ago. This is all really awful and I feel like a horrible person for feeling like this. It's an important event too. Why can't my body just cooperate and function normally for once? Also, I keep getting hounded about my diabetes and checking my blood sugar. I'm so overwhelmed!! I can't take this!! 🤕
  8. I'm not sure if it's psychosis or severe OCD. OCD is a hovering diagnosis that my Pdoc has not made yet, but is considering. I do already know I have severe symptoms of OCD though. I read somewhere that anti-psychotics can make OCD symptoms worse... I have an appt tomorrow with my Pdoc but I'm not sure if I can make it or not, but I will try. The Ativan has kicked in and my mind is slowed down now and I feel a bit calm and more relaxed as if I could lay down now. Thank you. I will try to speak with my Pdoc tomorrow if I end up going. I know I need to but I don't really want to. I'm really scared to take new meds. The only safe meds are Klonopin and Ativan.
  9. OMG What is happening!!!

    1. Lapis.Lazuli


      I'm having a panic attack right now and I'm so scared I'm freaking out something is really REALLY wrong...….

    2. Lapis.Lazuli


      Sorry for talking to myself. I took a 1 mg Ativan sublingually around 30 minutes ago and it finally kicked in and I feel pretty relaxed and chill now.

    3. Unstrung Harp

      Unstrung Harp

      Glad the Ativan helped. Panic attacks are no fun.

  10. I just went and got some food from a fast food restaurant drive-thru. The guy handing me my food yelled "31 minutes!" when handing me my food and then he said "Take care." and I got really scared because it was like a demon was speaking to me and telling me to take care because something bad was going to happen. I opened the food at home and inspected one of the items and had to put it aside because it had little pieces of green leafy things in it, so it might have been drugs. I moved onto the second food item, inspected it visually, then took a bite and it tasted funny but I swallowed it. I smelled the food after and it smelled off and weird. I took one more bite just to test it out and had to spit the food out because I immediately got hit with a reaction that the food may have been poisoned or drugs may have been put into the food. I tossed all the food away, $12 worth of it. I have a Lorazepam dissolving under my tongue right now because my mind is going a million miles an hour thinking of all the bad things that may happen because of this. My throat burns a little too. What's going on? I need help with this... some advice or something...? Please. 😱 Do I need to go to the ER?
  11. Sorry, I should have included that. Dx: Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features, Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia Meds: Klonopin 2 mg per day
  12. I don't know what's wrong. Something is very wrong. Am I brain damaged? What is going on? I'm screaming for help internally, in my mind, and no one can hear me. I'm going insane. It's happening faster and faster. I don't think I can be helped and/or saved. That worries me so much. Psychiatric medicine seems to have a ways to go still. It's still in its' infancy it seems. That scares me so terribly. It just feels like I'm in a deep dark hole and lost in a void in space and time. I'm just floating around, looking through the window at the earth and life passing me by. It's so strange to me that so many people out there are living so normally. With normal, every-day problems. But they still enjoy life, go to work, have friends they hang out with, etc... I'm so isolated. Okay, I am having a panic attack right now. Pause. And I'm back. Sort of. What is happening and why can't I pinpoint what is happening? Am I losing insight? Please don't let me lose total insight or dissociate from reality totally. I'm hanging on by a thread. Can anyone hear me screaming?
  13. It hurts so much in my chest and my eyes are welling with tears. I feel so lonely for some reason. I feel so isolated. I'm so dissociated. I feel so scared of everything.

    What is this hell and why has this happened to me?

    1. Geek


      I get this sometimes too. I'm sorry it's happening to you. 😢

  14. No, I don't feel guilty for not working. It's more of a feeling of wishing I could work again just for the community of working with other people. I know people are fed up with me. In fact, my last relationship ended because I was in and out of the hospital too many times and the person couldn't stand being around me anymore after that. It was a really bad year of being hospitalized at least once per month for an entire year. I was told I would be sent to a state hospital if I kept ending up hospitalized and that scared me from telling anyone about my true thoughts anymore. I still struggle quite severely but I try to hold on for my fiancé/family/cats. My Pdoc might be fed up with me too because last time I saw him he said it's either "this med" or ECT. I did not agree to the ECT option. I will not do that to my brain. It feels damaged enough already as it is. I believe drug use contributed to bringing out my mental health issues. Why did I ever try hard drugs? I regret it every day. I just imagine what my life could be like right now had I never put substances into my body at all. The mental health issues may not have ever arisen.
  15. I hate that I deleted my posts. I was just in such a paranoid state of mind that it made sense at the time. Sometimes I have insight and sometimes not-so-much.

    I also haven't been taking my meds, besides Klonopin. A strange lady gave me my new meds at the Pharmacy and I got worried the meds were tampered with. Ugh. So I threw them away. Why do people constantly have to mess with me? What did I do to deserve such treatment?

    1. Blahblah


      Paranoia is the worst...I used to have the same issues during a bad bout of it years ago. Every walk down the street, to the pharmacy built up this fearful paranoia..(that people "knew" I was unstable..that they were all talking about me, they could read my thoughts...strangers had bizarre intentions..) Ugh. I hope it's just a medication blip! And you feel better soon. Why did you stop taking your meds?

    2. Lapis.Lazuli


      Well... I was going to start my anti-depressant/OCD med but a strange lady gave me my med at the pharmacy and I felt like she did something to my pills. I can't prove it though and I have to find a way to get them filled again and try to have someone else with a better aura give me my pills.

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