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About jeva39

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  1. maybe i wasnt clear but when i said "40" i meant 40mg not my age. i'm 31. also the issues with word recall werent there a week ago when the meds were different. there were also issues with thinking before i started taking vyvanse, but mainly in the context of a relapse and recovery from that. my therapist did mention things like Mild cognitive impairment during that time but there was no further mention of that at all once i recovered from the mood episode.. if my age is a factor at all, i would say it's a mild factor, fwiw...
  2. I understand i should talk to my doctor (in my case my PA) but i'm just worried he's not going to know how to address this and so i'd like to be sure i have all bases covered.. it seems like when i was at or around 20-30 mg my word recall was excellent and effortless. now at 40 it's as though i have to work really hard to express myself clearly. however, conversely when i was at 20-30 mg my affect was constricted or blunted (another long standing source of frustration for me) but now that i'm at 40 my affect is relatively normal. also my creative urge is all but absent. why would vvyhanse cause issues with word recall that werent there a week befor? is adderall perhaps a cleaner drug overall? again, id like to give attention to every aspect of this problem. thanks for your time,
  3. getting very tired of feeling as though I have to measure up to some unrealistic ideal. i wish i could strangle and destroy the part of me that cares what others think. it's too mentally exhausting living my life like this.

  4. I hear you, but it's very problematic when the cognitive issues cause issues in therapy and my regular life as well. it's difficult not to become impatient between changes. When i'm not "with it" it seems like it's very diifficult for my therapist to "track" my emotional states in session and even just understand what i try to say. The same goes when i'm out in public - people appear to judge me as though i'm strange, and not in a good way at all, and i hate it the feeling of self loathing that comes with that. I wish I didn't struggle with the things in life that come naturally to others. why is it that sadness and dissatisfaction prevail in my life while others thrive with seemingly a lot less? I wish i were free of the shackles of my condition. Sometimes i wonder if my condition is even biological/mental at all - that perhaps i'm irreparably wounded from events in my childhood and i'll never have the peace of mind i so desire.
  5. Could you explain what you mean by overshot the dose (when it comes to stims)? also if i may ask, why would a too low dose of Vyvanse cause that "foggy feeling", spaciness, a feeling of being disconnected, flat affect? mind you im not being treated for ADD, i'm being treated for depression.. perhaps we're indirectly treating ADD symptoms though
  6. I feel like since iv been at a higher dose of Vyvanse - currently 3rd day at 40 mg - my ability to recall simple words is greatly affected whereas when i was at a lower dose it seemed to be better, although i was also spacy, foggy, slightly "disoriented", not very engaged, somewhat loopy etc . is this just a matter of my body adjusting to the current dose as i work up to the ideal dose? or is it possible that the medication itself is causing slowed thoughts with higher doses?
  7. actually i had in mind any suggested reading around the subjects of alienation, loneliness, isolation. i would prefer non-fiction, but it could also be fiction. anything that might help me better understand and move past the feeling of isolation. like i said earlier, i wish my therapist would offer me guidance along these lines, hence my reason for asking.
  8. This site is helpful, but sometimes other resources might be needed, for instance i just came across this site, https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/ i like her non-stigmatising descriptions of BPD and Complex PTSD among other things. it might be worth a try for others to pursuing therapy with her (though in my case probably not feasible now) i also came across this https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16324062 i wish the full article were free, not sure its worth buying, though, cause the information might be too technical for me.
  9. thanks Fluent, i hope you won't mind if i try to reach out to you via friend request? - on a different note, does anyone - Fluent or someone else - have any suggestions for how this alienation could be addressed? i mean, aside from talking with someone any resources that might help this particular kind of isolation to be less excruciating and better understood.
  10. Yes, i do have a therapist (a LCSW) and a pdoc (PA who works under an MD who in turn works under the MD pdoc who heads the hospital and who administered 40 or so ECTs for me a few years ago). I have a very good treatment team. I'm more comfortable with my current therapist than any other therapist iv' ever seen in the 10+ years iv been going through all this. I just wish he had more insights that might help me understand and move past this sense of dislocation. i'm also concerned how i might cope and/or survive if my parents are no longer around... among other things..
  11. my actions are motivated by a desire to feel well - i exercise 45 min three days a week every week, I go to therapy, I take my medications, etc- but my thoughts and feelings are motivated by a conflicting pessimism – life is a sham; why do I even try? im not sure how to address this. there are certain things about what im exeriencing that i'm afraid to be honest about for fear of being chastised by people who might “know better”.. even if I’m in the wrong why can't i be honest about my perceptions without them being glossed over with platitudes or just outright dismissed, or perhaps tolerated with condescension? I don’t mean to adopt a negative attitude, but I am tired of contempt disguised as politeness, i'm tired of hostility disguised as sarcasm and snarky comments. i'm tired of duplicitous attitudes. i'm tired of being told directly or indirectly i'm in the wrong in whatever I say i just wish there were a sympathetic and compassionate ear, to hear my concerns every once in a while without attempting to lead me in a direction that they're more comfortable with. i'm tired of being one of society's unwanted, and yet i feel like i ought to embrace my status as an outsider if I’m to ever be content in life. i feel like there's something wrong with me, in my constitution, that no amount of therapy or meds could resolve. always keeping me at a distance from a normal life. am i making any sense? please understand im not trying to build an argument that i'm right and everyone else is wrong, i just want to be heard, and this is the only way I know how to make that attempt.
  12. from what i can tell some sources see psychotic depression is a condition on its own, or instead it's seen as a variant of major depressive disorder, (MDD w/ psychotic features). iv never heard of it being on a schizophrenia spectrum though...
  13. This song has a great groove.
  14. this reminds me of all the questionable articles on "narcissistic abuse." these articles are spread like a plague, imo,i have a vague suspicion that it is in fact the ones that frequently vilify so-called narcissists with a kind of vengeance who are the true "narcissists". i also feel like narcissism is one of the most overused and abused words, it's really a technical term used by clinicians, but people seem to have co-adopted it as a sophisticated insult - kind of like 'borderline personality'- a fancy way of saying someone is "self-absorbed" or something when it's actually much more subtle than that. iv met many people who likely would have been deemed by these people as 'narcissistic' who may have even been harmful for me.. but didn't often feel an urge to vilify them. it's the ones with a pretense of sanity that really bother me.
  15. I feel very suspicious of people right now. I feel like whenever i try to reach out to them they're not quite right in the head to me, i get weird vibes -like they're insane but qualitatively different from mentally ill insane -just plain fucked up: preoccupied with furthering their own gains and filled with hatred this extends to my parents as well. my mother is narcissistic, my dad always told me she's not quite right and never was. iv been a mother-enmeshed son my entire life - enmeshed with a sick person, but i dont hate her, far from it. additionally, she lies to herself about things that never happened - essentially constant patterns of denial to maintain a good self image presumably. she is just not right in the head. she tells herself things that never happened. she told me that i was born because my dad had a competition with buddies from work about who could make their wives pregnant first. when she said that i couldn't believe it, it felt like a lie because my dad is not even remotely that type of person. hes been by my side through the entire 10 years almost every step of the way. far unlike my mom who barely understands what i'm experiencing. again, i don't hate her, but i have to be cautious about how i communicate with her compared to my dad.. were many of the people in my life actually there for me emotionally (except my dad).. or were they sick and only pretending to be there for me. i feel vaguely as though the people iv always known are not what they seem, that the world is much more cold and cruel than i imagined up until now. im reminded of charles bukowski's poem the genius of the crowd. can anyone relate to this feeling? should i speak to my doctor or therapist about it or do you think it can wait?
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