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About BPCharlotte

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    Am I Mad? You Decide

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    London UK
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  1. So. Not been here a while, had meds which "worked", personal circumstances were stable, but now it's all up in the air. Basically, when on meds which worked, felt well, wanted what has always bothered me while bringing my last daughter up... that I couldn't deal with the idea that this was the last time I do this or that, the last time I change nappies or teach things, the last time I feed a baby, the last time I feel my baby move inside me, the last time I take my baby to playgroup, the last chance to be a mum in the way I was at the time. Come off seroquel for BP and sertraline for depression, to get pregnant, now feel like that's the biggest mistake ever. More to say, but not ready to go there in detail yet, Kinda thinking I should've waited a bit to say more of what I feel, but a start is a start. Will be seeing a doc, if only a general family doc, soon. Know I need to, just wanted to mark this point of change in how I feel by posting something, cos it's the only real perspective I have in the long run. Thanks if you read this, and sorry I am not able to help anyone else right now. C X
  2. it has to be something. when the drugs don't work (meds) i just have to have SOMETHING, and i'm sick of trying to make pdocs understand that the drugs DON'T work... if i'm not drinking, i'm waiting for it to be time to drink, if i get the chance to get stoned, i do it. WHY can't the docs get it? i don't want to drink. i don't want to get stoned. well, i do, but only for the relief that meds can't give me. if there was a med that made me better, i'd try it, but as i'm in the uk and have virtually no options, i'm at a dead end. i wonder if maybe i'm just at the end of all the options, and if i am, surely getting stoned is healthier long term than drinking, physically speaking. i hate drinking. but lacking cannabis, it is the next best thing. i don't even know why i'm posting this, cos there are no answers. aside from telling pdoc i'm getting stoned again and am alcoholic without it, which will get me nowhere. i have kids. i can't fall apart, but without SOMETHING i feel i will. i drink and/or smoke to avoid that, but i can't do this forever, and i don't know what else to do. no answers expected, just needed to get this out there in case anyone has any ideas that might help, and if not i have something to look back on about how i feel. peace to all x
  3. I have had nothing since I posted originally in terms of cannabis, drunk too much, felt crappy. But that's a description of the holiday season, ain't it?! I may be bipolar, I may have BPD, or MDD, depends which pdoc you listen to. But nothing in the UK means you can get MJ legally, so... I dunno. The irony is that before I ever tried it, I worked in a hospital pharmacy which conducted clinical trials in the use of medicinal MJ... And I was in charge of dispensing it... lol I don't want to drink. Just in terms of feeling better, MJ does it. Long term, probably not good as I tend to be an addictive personality, but legal situation aside, I think cannabis is better for my health long term than alcohol. I've got next to no med options cos my pdoc is ever-changing and I'm in the UK, and I don't work so drug testing is immaterial. If I started taking MJ regularly and the situation changed, so I'd have to do testing or lose everything, of course I would ditch it, but I'm denying myself something now which may in the future become impossible. All while I could do it with relatively minimal consequences. You can see why I'm sorely tempted. Happy New Year to all, and more importantly, peace and contentment. Love to all x
  4. smoking solid was the biggest relief i've felt for so long. I hate being drunk. but i feel out of options. surely being stoned is better than being drunk? it feels that way to me...
  5. new meds not doing all i hoped, but better(ish)!

  6. ok, so i'm ashamed in a way to admit that i had my first joint of solid cannabis this week for 2 years, but hell, it was so much better than all my recent medication attempts, both self med (alcohol) and since quitting cannabis, lithium, depakote and quetiapine, all alongside sertraline. It was the feeling I've craved, the letting go, the "being in the moment" and appreciating it, that I'm constantly chasing when trying to get drunk, or hoping for with meds. don't get me wrong, I've been more level, bipolar-wise, on quetiapine than before, but it doesn't get me to where I feel happy to be myself. It levels me, but the level is not what I need to help me enjoy my life. Yes, i've told the pdocs I've seen, but they don't want to rock the boat meds wise. my quandary is, if i get stoned, i don't need to drink. if i can't get stoned, alcohol is the only thing that makes things tolerable. Which is worse? I'm old enough to say cannabis won't screw my brain like it would if i was 18, but at 35 with 2 teens and a 4 y/o, what should i do? like, what is better for my mental health, and what is better for the family, cost excluded. I know the ideal answer is talk to pdoc, change meds, but i tried endlessly to explain to many pdocs, and being in the uk, choices for pdocs and meds are hugely limited. it's not ideal, but short term, what is better, stoned or drunk? all opinions and experiences welcome...
  7. I have been taking Seroquel at various doses with a long standing sertraline dose of 200mg (max dose). I tried depakote and lithium with no more success. Does anyone have experience of 'quel with zoloft/sertraline? My dx is undecided, different pdocs have diff opinions. Maybe MDD, maybe BPII, but I just want to function. Quel has made me sleep during the day. Without it, I get really stressed. Anyone with similar experiences?
  8. I get that feeling. It sucks. Wish I could say more, but I'm in the middle of it myself. Peace to you x
  9. Ok, so mine are - I can learn from these feelings and experiences, I can relate to others in crappy situations, I can use these ideas and others' challenges to them to help others here, I can help others to realise they are not alone, I can give advice on the meds and pros and cons. I can make the point that nobody here is perfect, no-one is simple, and our complexity is what makes us who we are. I can accept that my feelings are not necessarily justified. My meds may not be perfect, but I can accept that they are the best for me, right now. And most importantly. I am so much more than the sum of my parts. I may never know the effect I may have on anyone else here, but I can help others to realise that they are not alone. I know that others here will have far better things to say...
  10. I sympathise with the feelings you have, those you want, what you want to feel. I hate to break your ideas, but kindling does ring true for me. I want to feel good, I want to be hypomanic, cos it's when I've felt good about being me. The thing is, reality is not that simple, and the more times you go along with feeling *good, hypomanic, fantastic, how things should be*. the more you are heading for unreality, problematic situations, and potentially dangerous behaviour. I never thought I was dangerous, out of touch, or beyond reason, but I can see lokking back that if wasn't, I came pretty close. I still don't know if I was, or if I was just lucky. Lucky for who, only my med compliance can decide... taking meds as given is so important, if we think they help or not, we should try until our next pdoc appt... and I don't say that lightly, cos I'm in the UK and on the NHS you don't get to pick and choose your pdoc, but we have to try to work with what we've got. For the sake of our families and friends....
  11. There is no such thing as a perfect script, but sometimes the best thing is to eliminate one existing drug at a time. I'm not sure what would be the best one to drop on a temp basis, but that's what your docs are for. Be honest, tell them how you feel, and go from there. If you need to go longer with your combo, drop a drug, try something new, we can't tell you. But we will be here to support you whatever your doc thinks you could benefit from. No one drug or combo can work for everyone, so who knows if you are one of the lucky ones or not if you don't have a go? Best of luck!
  12. highs and lows are so subjective, but when it comes to it, the extremes are mainly a problem if they affect your ability to function in day to day life. I can tell you, we all see the obstacles in our lives completely differently, so you should never compare your situation to that of anyone else. Even if you compare yourself to someone in a similar situation, it can't be a perfect match, so you can only do what is the best for you. Don't be too hard on yourself.
  13. I have been having muscle twitches, involuntary jerks,since i've been on seroquel 100mg morning and especially 200mg evening. The idea is to go to 300mg eve, but these muscle jerks are freaky. Anyone have advice or experience with these side effects?
  14. I have stress-related psoriasis of the scalp. Meaning, excess skin grows, creating scabs. Which itch, get scratched, bleed, scab more, get infected, and provide me witha constant temptation to pick. I was always a skin picker of my lips, any dry bit was a target. When I developed psoriasis, those scabs were hugely tempting. Now things are spiralling, I have more to say but I'll need to come back cos my concentration's shot. Arghhhhhhhhhhh...
  15. Sometimes it's possible to fake it, whether to yourself or others. My experience is that while you can still fake it you are either in a lesser extreme of mood or the most extreme, where your very self has been overcome and fooling your family, friends, colleagues is the overriding need in order to follow through your mood's need. That precious inbetween, while none of us would wish it on our famillies, is probably when we are safest simply because we are incapable of denying how bad things are. I don't wish to make it sound like this is somewhere anyone would want to be, but the level of denial and/or lack of insight that goes with either side of this state is potentially dangerous. I hope to come back to this topic when I have something more positive to add.A
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