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The Emperor

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Everything posted by The Emperor

  1. I don't think any of them are so little. But sometimes I don't want to shower and I'm anxious and sad but my fucking conditioner smells like peppermint and it's soothing as fuck so I go shower. Sometimes that's quite literally the only thing I look forward to in a day. Edit: I seriously just got an offer to go to lunch and almost turned it down because my hair is greasy and I am sad but then I remembered the conditioner. I'm going to lunch and the reasons I'm so lonely sometimes are actually my fucking fault. HUH!
  2. That's a really good idea! I have four that occasionally differ in size but usually at least 2 are the same size (different meds) so I'll probably use this! I also had NO CLUE you could get different colored caps at the pharmacy. That is interesting.
  3. There's well meaning ignorant ("Just smile! Life's not so bad!") and then there are assholes spreading dangerous information and trying to profit from it. Sounds like your friend is in the latter category. You dealt with her just fine. Unfriending her was an excellent choice. Good job. I had trouble doing that with people because I felt mean. It's really not mean. Not at all. Especially if it makes you less angry.
  4. I am the worst with this. And it seriously doesn't even have to be a big change. It literally can be like, SO decided to make ONE MORE stop on the way home...when that wasn't the plan. I used to visibly freak out a tad like "God, dammit, why?!" Because I guess it makes me anxious or some shit, I can't tell. Now I just let it fucking go because I'm learning to pick my damn battles. OR, he will now usually tell me about shit like that. that makes me sound like a bitch, doesn't it? Poor guy having to deal with that- and that isn't sarcasm. But I hate it. I hate public places. Or "so and so is coming over in ten minutes!" 'WHAT?! THE HOUSE IS A MESS! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN TEN MINUTES? HIDE?!" Hide. Yeah. Usually hide. So they are small changes or surprises. I've not had a really big surprise, I guess. I'm getting better with this shit, but not in my worst phases. When the shit hits the fan, I hit the wall.
  5. It's happened to me before. I've heard that on occasion people can blend background noises and it kinda sounds like someone talking, or music. I sadly cannot provide a source. I was looking this up because it was happening to me for a bit. Might not have even been a credible source. But I don't think it had to do with the crazy, what I read. Just, yeah, brain blends all these noises, somehow they turn into something that makes sense. That's if you're not prone to hallucinations. Anyone else ever heard of this?
  6. sixth time I've quit smoking so that happened on the 28th. Quite a bitch. Me and the situation :)

    1. yarnandcats


      6th time for the win, emperor!

  7. This is better. One of the side effects of me reading the words "standard knowledge" is excessive and maybe unreasonable irritability. I actually got a headache twice. I also don't think that person was a troll. This one...quite probably.
  8. I agree. I'd say work on self-improvement to gain a better fucking attitude about women/sex/life before dating. That's just a sad outlook. And the whole blaming others thing is bullshit, IMO. Some people are unlucky and I get that, but hating women while finding them fuckholes isn't gonna get you anywhere. Good luck.
  9. 1. Mop your kitchen floor? ....I have a Swiffer! So like, you know, once every few months?? Could do better on that one 2. Clean your bathroom? More often. Wipe everything down and toilet cleaner about 1-2 times a week, sometimes less if I'm feeling horrid 3. Do laundry? Every couple of days. 4. Shower? Daily no matter fucking what. In the past 15 years, I have skipped a day twice. Both due to getting drunk before I got in the shower :/ 5. Get a haircut? Every 6 months until the damage as gone and then hopefully never again! 6. Call your parents? Dad I talk to daily. Mom....I never call. She calls a few times a year 7. Exercise? infrequently and sporadically as shit. Like, 2 times a month on average I bet 8. Go out to eat? Way more than I should. I'm lazy, on a diet, and only get to eat 1 meal and a snack 3 times a week because of this :/ 9. Take a road trip? once or twice a year 10. Log onto Crazyboards? Depends on my mood. Sometimes several times a day, sometimes don't for a month or so.
  10. In the US, apparently it's commonly difficult to get a doc to agree to this procedure if you haven't had something like, 2 kids or something stupid like that. It's a big decision, obviously. You probably could find a doctor who would do it. I thought about it, but I opted for the copper IUD instead. Lasts ten years, definitely not as effective but very effective. I've not been pregnant once since I got it in '08! That I know of, of course. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I'd consider an IUD if it proves difficult to find a doctor willing to tie your tubes without having had a child. Even the IUDs, I hear, are difficult to get (in the US anyway) if you've not had one kid, however I'd just really advocate for either of those things, especially if you're very sure. 22 is young. There's the Mirena IUD (progesterone only, fuck my experiences with progesterone, but some people find it okay) as well, that only is effective for 5 years, I believe. Just some other options to consider. But if you are really, really sure, try as hard as you can to get what you want! Adoption is such a great idea. So many kids need good homes. Good luck!
  11. Damn that's rough. I had GI problems with it, but nothing like that. They actually got worse for me when I switched to the ER but damn, I liked the ER way better. It was just gross bowel stuff. There are things you can take. I'd say Immodium if it's really, really bad because that's helped my stomach pain in the past, however I don't find it worth the 4-5 days of not being able to poo. I don't know if Pepto is any better, but of course these are things you can't take daily. There are OTC pills for like colon health and stuff like that. I wish I could help more. I hated that about Lithium (though my problems were less severe. So the milk helped once? Do you take calcium supplements or vitamin D or whatever was in that milk? Or do you find that eating with it makes it worse? Just some things to consider, I suppose. I'm throwing everything out that I can. That sounds absolutely terrible. I hope you find a way to help it. Maybe you could ask p-doc or even call the pharmacist for advice? Good luck. You should have your miracle pill, but the cost seems high
  12. Thank you! I think I'll get one (probably a cheap one haha) and see if it helps. I think it's worth a shot. Hopefully would remember not to leave it on all day Knowing myself...eeeh that might happen here and there.
  13. I think I may remember one of these topics from a while ago, but I'm not sure it was on the BP forum, or whatever. I know it's been discussed a bunch here. SO, I'm sorry if this is going to be quite redundant or needs to be deleted. I have problems with depression that mostly occur in the fall and winter. Sometimes near the end of spring, shit happens. It doesn't seem to be a concrete cycle, but it's not really something I should ignore, I guess. BPII is what I have. My hypomanias have been good until they sucked ass. I don't know which is worse! Anyway, thinking about the light box because of this. I fucking hate living in a place where the seasons end up ridiculously cold and inconsiderate of my disorder! THE WEATHER SHOULD REVOLVE AROUND ME! haha. Anyone with BP have one? Does it help? Is it true that it could start hypo/mania? Anyone know or have personal experience? Also, how much cash do I shell out if this is a good idea and what the hell do you do with the thing? What's that like? Does it emit heat as well or...? I would google them but I don't know what I'm looking for! Any help on this? Experiences etc? Thanks! (I'm aware that medicating it would likely be the best route but I'm super fucking wary of that right now. Also my new doc is a fucking flake, go figure)
  14. So last night I was having a smoke in the garage when it hit me. Unusual at 11PM as I always shit on schedule in the mornings. But suddenly a horrendous pain ripped through my abdomen, however it wasn't accompanied by that knowledge that I would need to immediately evacuate my bowels. I found this odd, but decided to wait it out. "I probably have to shit" I said to SO "But it feels like I could wait." Five minutes later the terrible pain hit again and I just thought "Fuck it, I'm going to try and shit because this hurts so....hopefully that will make me feel better!" And then I made my way to the little bathroom with no fan to cover the sounds of an awful shit. I don't know how long I was in there, hours, days, maybe I even entered a different dimension. I remember the pain. Oh the pain. So bad. As I began to sweat, I thought to myself "It's not coming out! IT WON'T!" and considered going to take a nap instead. The sweating began. I thought to take off my shirt, but just couldn't do it. I thought how I wished just this once I could smoke in the house on the toilet. But so it was that I realized I'd just have to sit on the toilet and wait. The likely outcome of laying on the couch would just be laying down without shitting (hopefully) with this awful pain. Finally, I know I'm going to actually poo. Seems like that would be a relief, right? Certainly should have been. I began to poop and it was like the whole thing had culminated in even worse pain. As I squeezed every last bit out (and holy hell was there a lot) the pain stayed. Finally it dwindled to nothing and I emerged from the bathroom, not victorious but exhausted. I thought to take a shower. But I really needed another cigarette after that. (It took 30 minutes)
  15. I try to be as productive as possible. I do shit that makes me feel good. Whatever that is. I put on nicer sweatpants hehe. Nah, I dress well because that makes me happy. When I'm depressed, it's a crazy nest of hair that may be teeming with vermin. Yoga pants, usually with ketchup stains, shit with holes in it. NO issue going out in public like that. Actually, I don't mind that part. It's actually nice to put no effort into that and not give a flying fuck. Go outside. Fucking look at pretty things. I enjoy it. That's what I do. I don't know how long it will last. I do whatever makes me and my family the happiest. I guess I live. Because that cycle starts again and again but when I'm not bad, I want to be fantastic.
  16. Yeah, that makes more sense. Not a total overhaul of my personality by any means, but certain aspects become temporarily shitty. Especially on birth control. For a year, I was a bitch from hell that I didn't even recognize. That irritable mood crafted an ugly personality really. For a year. So no they don't entirely change a personality, no, and you can most certainly improve or return to normal surely, but I think that changing the way you think about one thing or another (not giving a shit about anything, for example) changes your personality a tad. If only for a bit.
  17. Yes I have! Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes a combo of the two (THAT'S a shitty situation) and yeah. Definitely. Uh, for example- Abilify took away my obsessive thoughts and panic attacks, so I was more positive. Aided me in getting fatter than I'd ever been. Stopped that one. On Lithium, was okay at a low dose, higher dose I swear I was more apathetic than ever. More robotic. Didn't give a shit about anything one way or the other. It sucked. So I remained large. Dropped that one. THOUGH I will say, my hypomania was certainly well under control. Now I'm on a cocktail, Trileptal, Lamictal and Klonopin and this is working very well for my symptoms, for the lack of side effects anyway. I needed a benzo more than I thought. I wasn't living at all and I thought that was the best I could do. I thought I wasn't so anxious because it had been worse in the past. It was bad. The anxiety is so much better that I'm doing so much better with productivity and positivity and everything. I don't think it's just psych meds. Like birth control (hormones) made me a raging bitch. Like, I hated myself and everyone and I'm sure most people hated me. Good or bad or not at all, I believe this does happen.
  18. I took two breaks. One was a year long just because I fucked up some part of the financial aid process or some shit, I forget. I was a stay at home mom. Well, still kinda am. The second one was just a semester because I had a little breakdown from stress during the first semester (school and life related) and then I've been okay in school since then. Well, haven't had to go to the hospital again. Or DIDN'T if I did need to. It's tough being MI and in school. Disability services are definitely something to look into. I have not yet because I'm being stupid and stubborn but yeah. I am on my fifth year working on a two year degree. I try not to take more than I can handle after that breakdown shit honestly. So I'm taking it kind of slow. If I know classes will be challenging, I take only THAT class or only two classes to ease the load of stress and all that. I hate how long it's taking, but it's for the best. For me anyway. Some people prefer to rip the Band-Aid off. Guess I don't heh. Anyway, do what you need to do, you'll be fine and if you're NOT, definitely look into disability. Good luck!
  19. You're not whiny. This is a very legitimate concern and issue. I don't understand what it's like to have other voices in my head, so I do apologize if I sounded ignorant and I'm very sorry you have to navigate around Her. But I agree that maybe typing it out and handing it to p-doc is certainly worth a shot.
  20. SI is a very broad category and no, there doesn't have to be blood or scars for it to "count." I can't believe that a medical professional would say that to anyone. I've always heard that it's whatever you would do to damage yourself in some way. I feel bad that someone told you some things don't fall under the classification of SI because, yeah. If you are really concerned with Her, I hope you can let your p-doc know. I can't imagine having to interact with someone like Her. If it's interfering with your life, it's an issue. I'm sorry this wasn't taken seriously. It really should have been. Sometimes I've found that I've had to advocate like hell for myself because dammit, we're all worth the help we need.
  21. That's really fucking stupid shit. I know people (myself included) who have any anxiety disorder and are pretty much housebound and even the home is a miserable place because of it. I've seen people with personality disorders, trauma, whatever....EVERYTHING ON THOSE LISTS MAKES PEOPLE SUFFER!!! Every item there is fucking miserable. Fucking insurance companies. What the fuck? Are they putting them in categories like, what has to be treated with meds and what doesn't "have" to? Because a LOT of people (like melissa up there) have to take meds for anxiety. Also- I shouldn't have read that. Every fucking time someone or a list or a doctor refers to me as "very seriously ill" I get pissed because I PERSONALLY do not feel like I am severely ill. Those people can suck it. Everyone with a mental illness should be treated with meds if need be. Good god. /rant.
  22. Ah! Relevant name for that intro, I LIKE IT!! Cats, coffee and pills. Sums up my stuff too pretty much. Drinking my 5th? cup sitting with three of my four cats and took my morning pills! WOOO! Hey, welcome to the board. Hope you like this place. It's great so you know, stick around.
  23. I'm happy that it is currently the case that I can truly smile and look with wonder at all the little things in life. This is brand new for me. I'm grateful that if only for a short time, I finally have this ability.
  24. Aw. I know this well. It happens to me all the time and by no means whatsoever am I busy at all. I just go to school and am a housewife since the kid started grade school last year. And even the house stuff and homework gets overwhelming to the point where I actually do nothing with all the hours in the day that I have. Sometimes when I get really stressed it's like "AVOID ALL THE THINGS!" but that's not effective and just makes things way worse and stresses me out even more. I am so bad at handling stress. I smoke because of that. It's ridiculous. It's hard. I can't say I know how you feel because you just don't have enough time. Which is way more unfortunate than my situation where I have so much time and so little to do but it seems like a hell of a lot because it all scares me. I wish I had more comforting words than "hang in there, it will get better." I am sorry you're having this issue. I don't know how people do shit either. I met a girl in class last night who only sleeps three hours a night because she goes to school full time, works, and has a toddler. I was super fucking impressed. I always am when I hear shit like that. Hell, I can't manage to sit on my ass all day without being overwhelmed, I wouldn't make it in that woman's situation, that's for sure. I hope you have that "I'll be fine eventually" inkling. It's likely very true. Again, hang the hell in there.
  25. I see that this is a very, very difficult situation. I didn't mean to sound harsh. He seems to be really unhealthy, and when you suffer from guilt (as everyone does, I do incredibly) it's very hard not to help someone. I know that. I think he needs more care than just what can be done at home. I have enabled alcoholics and drug addicts and just people who plain wanted to take advantage of me and I KNEW it. But the guilt... I get that. What's likely best for him is to be in a different care facility. It may be what is best for you and your mother as well. I agree with other posters that it would probably be a good idea for you to get away from the situation as well. Honestly, from a viewpoint of living (now) in an (almost) normal/functional household, I would say that your home sounds quite toxic. And that's not a great thing to deal with when you're mentally ill. Sometimes we get used to things that we shouldn't. I am sorry this is a struggle for you and everyone involved. I hope that there is a solution for all of you.
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