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About Karin

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  1. So a year ago I knew I don't have Bipolar - it is all a hoax!!! Taking uppers and downers and stabilizers? If I leave EVERYTHING, I should be fine. So in the meantime, everything went wrong, in the most awful way. And I freeked out. So to cut a long story short - I started the Lamictal and the Wellbutron again this evening. naf I was just not prepared for the extreme, emotional distress it would bring, having to go back on the medication. Anyone out there been through this? OH god, I need to change the signature and stuff.
  2. I am still on some of the meds my pdoc prescribed before I went off a medical aid. Now I am trying to build a new business, something I have wanted to do all my life, but I am very stressed about it. I am beginning to believe that I am not capable, I should never have done this, and I am not worthy. I just have the most awful thoughts about people: My nieces ty getting married: example - "Yeah, they won't invite me anyway. They think they are better than me. They look down on me. They are actually stuck-up. But I am worthless, so I don't blame them. They are probably ashamed of me. I have gained so much weight, I am ashamed of me too." In the meantime the nieces are treating me like always, the one niece is having a very very small wedding and when I reasoned it out with myself, I fully understand why I am not invited, and to be honest, I am not fazed by it anyway as it is not an issue I would anyway normally react to. I have stopped taking Wellbutrin, and have halved my Lamotragene. Those are the expensive ones.
  3. I have bipolar. Due to finances changing, I have stopped some of my meds, hoping that only Lamotragine and Prosac would be able to sustain me. For two months all went well, but now I find that I have incredibly negative thoughts. I fight these thoughts, but I just cannot stop thinking bad things about every person around me. In my mind, I simply do not have one good thing to say about anybody. I hate being like this and when I catch myself at this, I fight these awful thoughts about people. I constantly feel "wronged" and "hard done by". When I sit and think, I suspect that I more than likely am pushing people away, or at least not making any effort to approach others. I argue with my one neighbour, (he is an ass anyway), I am hurt by my sisters, my daughter breaks my heart, my bf does not care about me and my dad will probably leave all his money to my sisters. Obviously thoughts of suicide are constantly with me, to the point where I actually don't want to pray to God because I long to be dead and in heaven so much, that I have to constantly remind myself that my son and his wife will be devastated and don't deserve that I commit suicide. I am not like this. Is this due to coming off the meds, or am I just a bad, negative person, heading for sour and dour and should I just try to pull myself together? I HAVE been trying though, and I struggle. Maybe I should find more things to keep my mind occupied?
  4. I am just wondering, and I am sure you have considered this, but when diagnosed BP and then becoming stable, do you think that maybe could also have a bit of an influence? The whole Bipolar and stabilising change involved in how you perceive the world?
  5. Well, it looks like I managed to save it. With explanations, heartfelt apologies, and honesty about my feelings. Titania, it is just that I wish I can find a therapist whom I can respect. Where I feel they know something that I can learn from them. The problem is that I have a very strong personality and I can very easily dominate a therapist, who is happy to sit there and allow it and take a lot of money from me for sitting and relaxing and having a cup of tea with me in their busy schedule. I've been there. By pure accident, I think I have yesterday met someone preseting the seminar that I am attending, and during this seminar he has managed to point out, through his course mterial, many points very very pertinent to my problem! I am truly positive that this might be the man whom I can respect, however I think he might be very expensive.
  6. growth (ok, use words that I don't need to google!!!)
  7. There is always the option that those of us with bipolar be "put down" so to speak, before we can breed?
  8. Indigo 'n dye, very true, very hard and very to the point words. I need to ingest, digest, and live through it. Thing is, I have become so weak. So very, very weak.
  9. A dx is an opinion of one person over another. Even though it is an educated opinion, it remains an opinion. If I read how many p-docs have different opinions on the same patient, it confirms to me: It is the opinion of a person. For myself, I long ago decided that I don't care what they call it, just give me the pills that help me feel better.
  10. Wow, that is a lot of medication. I would like to see what the people with more knowledge than I, answer.
  11. I took Effexor (xr?) and it kept me half-manic, constantly, with huge anger outbursts and constant buzz. Coming off, I saw huge moths fluttering around my desk, and a huge beautiful white horse walking down the main street, etc etc plus my head felt in a vice. Plus I gained about 20 kg.
  12. I came to full acceptance, stability, I thought, and have been, I thought, totally stable for a year or more. Until I had a freak-out this week, for the first time in a long long time, or so I thought, and my boyfriend broke up with me because he can not stand my mood swings any longer. So I am mourning my MI. I HATE bipolar, I will do anything to no longer be bipolar. I want to be like other people. I thought I now AM a normie, just like others. I hate being bipolar, and I hate who and what I am.
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