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StriderEnglish

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  1. Usually my anxiety spikes, because my bipolar and anxiety play off each other in all the worst ways. Like on top of my normal anxiety issues, I'll start getting this feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin and my normal irritability (because I'm usually mildly irritable regardless) skyrockets through the roof. And I have energy, but it's very uncomfortable energy? And because I'm trying to release the tension somehow, I'm most likely to self harm while mixed so if I get self harm urges, I figure I'm probably mixed.
  2. Part of my old treatment team (a therapist I saw through my university) actually considered an OCD diagnosis for me and I don’t know whether it was just never communicated to my psychiatrist or what but I’m not currently diagnosed with it. I also have issues with rumination and obsessive thoughts, though I believe some of them (though not all, by a long shot) are because of some emotional trauma I experienced a few years back. All of them are definitely exacerbated by being symptomatic (especially when I’m mixed or hypomanic, but also when depressed). I also have a lot of intrusive thoughts, and my current pdoc increased my risperdal when I told him about those.
  3. I mean, it sounds like it is to me? And if things like looking at your ex/abuser's social media can count as (emotional) self harm, I don't see why exercise wouldn't count as SI.
  4. This sounds really weird, but sometimes I just get urges because I'm bored? It sounds so fucked up but I have a long and illustrious SI history and it's been a daily routine in the past before (I actually just got out of a two week relapse, actually). And it's a nagging almost voice? It's like whispering in my ear, except there's no real noise. But yeah, I experience that when I'm feeling either very pent up and anxious (the reason my last relapse started) or particularly bored and empty. It's rarely if ever a suicidal gesture.
  5. So I'm a college student and have been off for the summer since early May. I go back in a little more than a week. I have a job but usually don't work more than 32 hours a week with the average being 24-28 hours a week and I tend to work evenings (4-10PM is my most common shift). So basically what I'm saying is I've had a lot of unstructured time and a lot of room to screw around with my sleep schedule. I was pretty stable up through early June until I went on vacation with my family (six hour ride in a car and no time zone change, and we were out there just under a week). I've heard travel can trigger hypo/manic symptoms but I don't know if what I did was enough to trigger something. Anyway, the day I left for vacation I started planning multiple elaborate stories with a friend of mine that I met through role playing. When I got home and back to my laptop I was churning out drawing after drawing related to them for almost a month straight. I was coming up with idea after idea for little plot details and was basically in creative turbodrive. I was staying up really late and for a stretch of a little over a week it got extreme enough to the point where I was sleeping every other night. I told all my other friends all about these stories and started up another project of a similar nature with another friend because I was so pumped about it. I created several new characters in that space of time. I was really active and distractible and I couldn't focus on anything other than these creative projects, often getting distracted at work thinking about the things I was going to draw related to them once I got home and straight up being so distracted I forgot to sleep or eat. It was pretty harmless overall though? I just drew a lot and talked a lot about OCs and probably annoyed my friends with talking about this stuff. This calmed down a little less than a month later, and I had about a week where I was pretty symptom-free (funny enough, the week when my pdoc visit fell; I don't have a tdoc because I can't afford one on top of the pdoc and school and I feel like meds are higher priority). But then shit got bad. WARNING: There will be talk of self harm and drug abuse beyond this point, though it's pretty vague. I wasn't sleeping again, for one, and was having another creative flight of ideas but on top of that I felt like shit and was very irritable. I relapsed in self harm after work one night and did it almost every night for two weeks (up to two nights without now), angrily going through details about my abuser and how he screwed me up emotionally to my friend and nearly sending myself into a panic attack, being extremely agitated, being unable to sleep but once I got to sleep I slept forever. I felt like I was going to burst with energy but in an uncomfortable way. I paced a lot, ranted, and abused caffeine and prescription medication (old painkillers that were from my sister's ear surgery) and went through my abuser's social media as sort of emotional self harm. After about 4-6 days, this kind of fizzled out into what kind of feels like just regular old depression. So, did I entirely miss a hypomanic episode I should have told my pdoc about earlier this summer? Did I later end up with a mixed episode that slid into regular old depression? Might I need a med tweak when I go back to my pdoc in October? I'm just saying that I don't feel the need to call my pdoc or anything because I'm not suicidal? Right now it's just the numb, empty sort of depression where you're bored all the time and anxious because you're not do anything but also don't have the energy to do anything. I appreciate any and all answers!!
  6. Sometimes, yeah. They usually last a few hours when I can function, at most a day. Or I have days where I'm more or less elevated and it just goes up and down.
  7. I do normally feel my mood stabilizer the most when I'm symptomatic. For example, during a hypomanic episode back in the spring I had forgotten to take my meds for a few days and was having a hard time getting to sleep. Not tired at all, around midnight. I have class the next day. I take my night meds and within half an hour I'm starting to yawn and get tired. However, when I'm euthymic, yeah it's like I can't feel my mood stabilizers at all. It's just another task I have to do, taking them, and I can't feel them affecting my mood at all.
  8. I tend to cycle quite a lot (way more than the four distinct mood episodes a year that's the hallmark of rapid cycling) and I know that, when I first got on meds (I've been diagnosed for going on three years and was lucky to get on a med combo within six months of diagnosis that's worked pretty well for me), it took my meds awhile to really start working. Like easily more than a week, and they were used to treat an acute episode (hypomania) initially. I wasn't hospitalized though. Hope that helped!
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