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GrannyG81

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About GrannyG81

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  1. Found this Forum dedicated to OCPD. Only just found it so cant comment on it as not had much time to take a look....Posting here for anyone with OCPD as it tends to be one of the lesser known PDs out there ..https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/ocpd/
  2. @Blahblah I've actually had similar where its induced anxiety/depersonalization....I'm gunna find you some of his longer talks as i dont think i could do it justice to be honest....I'm gunna find his talk about compulsive thinking..I'll tag you once i find it..
  3. Yes a real character...He has such a special charm about him...The way he describes the universe and life..He has this very unique way of explaining it....I havent read any of his books.....Theres loads of material on youtube...Its all free..I listen to him regular to help ground me.....Heres a small clip for you...Let me know what you think and i'll post some more
  4. I relate to this...Especially "I could sense the suffering of others" Your the first person i've come across that describes a symptom i had yet could not put into words...I remember trying to explain this to a pdoc..I cant remember how i worded it because i couldnt explain it...I think i said it felt somewhat i could think of someone and and what ever i felt was what they were feeling and it was normally not pleasent..I remember him stopping me midway and asking what i ment..I must of worded it in a way that give him suspicion that i was suffering some mental health symptom just by how stopped me and asked what i ment..I always thought it was some empath sort of thing? Who knows..I still get it... Deja vu i get regular.. Seeing signs.....Yep those too The problem is i do believe the universe gives us signs..My beliefs are somewhat in line with buddhism..Not that i'm buddhist but i do believe we are the universe etc and that it does communicate with us... Maybe theres a threshold were these beliefs at there normal level are completly acceptable..Bit like a Christian who believes in god yet at there extreme level they become a delusion of such..So instead of a christian believing in god they now believe they "Are" god and as such believe they have special powers etc.....Thanks for the reply you are the first person to put into words something i struggled to....Thanks for that
  5. @Iceberg I appreciate what u wrote there as i do feel like i'm been irrational and not thinking straight... For some reason in my mind i have this way of thinking that a psychiatrist is the expert in medication and by default anyone not a psychiatrist is not a expert and therefore not to be trusted in there experience... I've thought that it could even be another way of me putting off medication...Just more avoidance behaviour... I'm my own worst enemy at times
  6. So i'm considering starting from Scratch with my meds..Starting a new combo.. I'm currently under the care of a Advance nurse practioner at the mental health services..My issue is mainly fuelled by anxiety...My mind works in a hierarchy type way and its making me not trust been under the Care of a ANP when it comes to giving me meds and that i should be under the care of a Psychiatrist which in my Hierarchy state of mind sees them and only them as experts in prescribing...I dont want to pose this to the ANP as i dont want to feel like i'm belittling him...After all they wouldn't have prescribing powers if they didn't have full indepth knowledge of treating MI.. if it were just a Antidepressant i needed i wouldnt have much anxiety about it..Its more that i need a Combo of AD+AP (which i'm already terrified of) And i feel that combos like that are best left to Pdocs...Thats what my anxious mind tells me anyway I'm not scared of standing up and stating what i want and expect from MH professionals i just feel like if i were to say to him i dont trust you to perscribe then its based on me been irrational as they wouldn't be able to prescribe if that was the case.. My mind has this way of thinking that Pdocs are the experts on prescribing for MI and anyone whos Not a PDoc does not therefore i cannot trust them to prescribe...This all fuels into my anxiety/paranoia as i know i'm been completely irrational about it.. Is anyone here under the care of a ANP?? Am i been irrational as i feel i am?? I'm considering going down the Private route of getting a PDOC..I dont know i'm very muddled in thinking.. Cheers
  7. Totally agree...The way my mind works is i understand things better if theres a label there...Not just in mental health but life in general... Say i take my car to the garage and the mechanic says well.." There seems to be some gas leaking here and it could be that the the metal has eroded or maybe its down to this ring here that has slipped off" To me that would be fuzzy language and would frustrate me no end were as if mechanic b said " Your exhaust has broke you need a new one" I can handle that as i know what the problem is...Mechanic A would have me guessing the issue...Hope that makes sense..Thats just how my mind works I do understand mental health is not the same but i do get frustrated in the same way...If i'm told i "Over think" i see that as fuzzy language..Were as if i'm told i'm "Obsessive" i now know the problem... When i got told i had OCD i thought atleast i now know what i'm up against and similar when i get another Diagnosis of OCPD ..Were as i've had professionals in the past tell me i had "Low mood" etc which is then open to interpretation were as when i got told i had "Depression" i understood that entirely...I dont know if theirs a name for this type of thinking...Maybe its a form of black and white or maybe rigid thinking...I just know my mind works in this mechanical kind of way that understands things when theirs a direct kind of answer to my problems whether that be Via labels to problems etc...Hope this makes sense..I have this horrible obsessive trait that makes me think i'm not explaining things properly..Most folks tell me they understand me perfectly well yet i still have this nagging doubt that i'm not... Yes i think thats why AP aswell as AD maybe due to the paranoid/Bizzare content that underlies my obsessions... Thanks for your feedback
  8. I had this obsession for a good couple of years..Even though now it dont bother me its still there in the back of mind...For example if i were to see a used needle on the floor i would get the "What if" Thoughts.What if i stood on it without realising etc But they dont have the same impact like they used to..I dont think folks understand that even after you "Over come" a particular OCD theme Like Hiv in this instance its almost like it leaves a mental imprint of scar..Just because it dont have a hold on a person like it used to it still lurks in the background.. Dont sound abusrd at all...Seriously.. I thought i got Hiv from getting some blood on my finger at work..And then would have this fear that i got it off phones/door handles etc not realising that if i thought i already had it..Why would it bother me touching door handles etc as u cant "Re get it"...Very confusing..I had alsorts of bizzare ways in which i thought i cought it and yes even though absurd they felt extremely real at the time..Plus i felt so much guilt towards people who do have Hiv....I felt like i was adding to the stigma..Really bad times I think maybe OCD in its strongest form..On the OCD spectrum at the far extreme end OCD can actually become delusional..I'll find some extracts and post them I've thought similar..I just try to remember that they have probably heard it all before..Its there job to hear the crazy things we come out with..I even used to try make it comical ..In that i used to imagine my doc going through regular routines with regular patients treating regular ailments etc and then i come in chirping on about how i've contracted hiv from a phone..How i've devised this idea about combusting in the bath lol and all the other crazies on my mind..It used to take the embarrasement out of it in some ways as i imagined the doc after i've left shaking there head wondering what on earth just went on there lol It probably makes there day a little more interesting listening to some of the stuff we come out with lol..I could be wrong just my way of coping it Thanks for your feedback
  9. Ok to get straight to the point...Do we have any Alan Watts fans in here ?
  10. About 1 and a half years...Pyshcodynamic Therapy..I was an outpatient at the local mental health hospital and used to go once a week... I didnt find it helpfull..If i'm honest i dont find therapy helpfull..I've had CBT in Groups and 1-1..Funnily enough when i had my Hiv fear related to OCD i was going to the sexual health clinic repeatedly and in the end they put me onto one of there in house counsellors..A really genuine women she was and she actually didnt feel that qualified for the job..I was on the waiting list for Therapy at the time and i remember odd coments she would make about how my mental health problems were too complex when infact i actually got a lot out of my time with her than the more qualified therapists...It wasnt any exercises i was doing it was more like i had a compassionate,trusting friend who i could talk too..That helped more than anything...I'm actually considering getting a counsellor..(This will sound arrogant) I believe that i have enough insight and wisedom into myself that i cant see how a therapist can help me..I dont believe they can teach/Tell me anything i dont already know..A counsellor however i believe would be better for me because even though they are not my friend i can use them as if they were...Just basically a trusting source who i cant vent to and just offload whats on my mind without any prejudice/judgement...
  11. Possibly...In my notes theres alsorts of things going back over the years...Things like Psychotic symptoms..self referential ideas so maybe your right..Maybe its possible to have traits of other MI yet not the full disorder.. I get the bizzare thoughts regular to be honest...If i'm feeling pretty chilled not anxious they dont bother me..Its when they are fueled by anxiety mostly depersonalization that they become really overwhelming...My last episode of depression some years back i got serverly depressed and paranoid..Thats when i had these ideas of the terminator looking for me..Terrifying even though i didnt fully believe it..I had to sleep with the light on,thought i could hear low level voices/noises...Thought i could feel presences in the room..I was in a bad place.. Yes i've heard similar..These thoughts i believe are more related to what they call "Over valued ideas"..OCD also has a insight factor with good insight at the start and Delsuional at the other..I believe when i'm not good i can fall along the middle possibly.. No...I've always been diagnosed along the anxious/obsessional scale..Always been told that i'm not psychotic...Was told I had treatment resistant depression/Reccurant....In my notes it says Mixed depression/Anxiety....In my very early notes it says Clinical depression..I think a lot of it depends on how you are at the time of seeing the Psyche as my diagnosis although is all pretty much OCD/OCPD my depression and other features have changed depending on which psyche i saw Thanks for the imput..Always appreciate folks feedback
  12. I agree i believe it falls more along the obsessional category..I have however in my notes seen one psychiatrist put "Evidence of acute psychotic symptoms" This was more related to when i was severley depressed.. Agreed 100% I've always said that..OCD is seen as this quirky gimmicky disorder..How many times do folk claim to be a "Bit OCD" because they like there socks to match colour or they love to clean..These are more perfectionistic traits..OCD is literally a nightmere..Having your brain bombarded with the most grotesque thoughts over and over ..And then the emotions that come with it..Guilt,Shame disgust...It was called the doubting disease and i can see why..Its like you literally cannot trust your own brain...A very complex illness..i've read somewere that OCD is on the list of the top 10 most debilitating illnesses.. I've had similar thoughts/ideas....I've tagged the quote twice and cant delete it.. Agreed again I used to have a fear of becoming psychotic..It was terrifying..Every single day on and on and on ..When i used to get depersonalization due to anxiety i was convinced i was going psychotic....Scary times... Thanks for your imput much appreciated
  13. @CeremonyNewOrder Yeah i've always had an insight into the obsessions even though at times the thoughts have become that overwhelming it felt momentarily delusional...But i know "true" delusions dont work like that..It was more a depersonalization caused by the extreme anxiety....I'm just on the look out for someone with Ocd who gets this bizzare content with there obsessions..Most if not all of the ocd folks i've met all had the sterotypical Ocd behaviours/Thoughts...I think what i've had are whats called over valued ideas...
  14. I've posted a topic similar to this on here and i didnt get much feedback...I'm hoping theres someone out there who can relate to what i'm saying as i've not met anyone in real life nor online who has shared experiences of this. Ok I've titled this "Delusional" OCD content as i cant think of any other name to describe it.. A lot of my OCD has revolved around bizzare intrusive thoughts which on the surface would look "Delusional" how ever i dont believe them 100% although they are extremely over whelming and frightening...Some examples of past Thoughts have been 1)Scared to touch anything electrical as feared the electric could somehow seep into my bloodstream go to my brain and cause an imbalance...Can actually laugh at it now but back then was quite frightening 2)Thought i contracted HIv Via getting blood on my finger..Dr said i was delusional as she said i believed it 100% despite evidence to the contrary...Started getting weird thoughts that i had then contracted it from a public phone...I once saw a broken needle on the floor convinced myself the hiv had gone into the air and i breathed it in...Which dosent make sense as i was convinced i already had it so how can u "Re get it" Also u cant get Hiv like that 3)Was scared to walk on grass as feared magic mushrooms there would seep into my blood stream and thus make me go mad 4)Feared spontaneous combustion from getting a bath..Told a Dr about this and the look was priceless lol Concocted this theory of atoms colliding inside my body and causing me to combust I could go on with the bizzare obsessions...I noticed that most of them involved contamination which i believe is my central OCD theme,however i've not anyone with ocd who has the Bizzare element to there obsessions..I've had group therapy and met lots of folks with Ocd yet they had the stereotypical thoughts most assosociate with ocd...I remember thinking that the terminator was after me,i remember thinking snipers could be on rooftops etc Yet i didnt believe them 100% which is what i believe separates them from true delusions and puts them more on the obsessional side of things..Pretty much every Psyche i've seen has gone straight to Antipsychotics as treatment rather than high dose Antidepressant and one Psyche told me that my treatment plan must Consist of Antidepressants +Antipsychotics so i've always wondered if they see a bit more to my OCD than i do....Anyways i'm rambling now..Just hoping someone out there with OCD can relate to any thing i'm saying as i've yet to meet one...Theres got to be someone out there ??
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