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GrannyG81

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About GrannyG81

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  1. lets just say that someone challanged my view and i actually agreed with it..I would simply incorporate that new view but make out like it was my view to start with rather than acknowledge i've changed my mind on something if that makes sense lol It makes sense to me i just have this big fear about what i write in text is not coming across properly
  2. One thing that stood out to me was "The essential conflict is between obedience and defiance" How this relates to me and how i interpret that is that inside i have what i will call "The Timid person" And also "The Inner Rebel" The timid person is the side that follows the rules etc as fear to do so will result in either humiliation/Punishment..And then i have the inner rebel that basically hates these rules etc ..So on one hand i have this timid person inside who follows rules and a inner rebel who hates these rules and the more the inner timid person follows them the more the inner rebel gets mad/angry and this to me is part of the inner conflict..Its two completely opposing forces fighting against one another..Its a completely conflicting style of personality..And example for me could be say i dont respect a boss i work for and even a boss i do respect gives me an order..The timid person will follow these orders and be compliant yet the inner rebel will not like these orders posed upon it..So the conflict in my mind would be the inner rebel saying things like "Who does he think he is..Why are you submitting to this person,What rights do they have to tell you what to do etc" And the more i submit to authority the more angry i will get till eventually i will have enough and either get my tools and walk off the job (Which i have done many times) Or i will let it fester away to the point it eats away at me to were i end up burning out with it..I hope this makes sense....This is very similar to what i'm like in therapy.. "Who are they to tell me" "What do they Know" And the more i engage in therapy the More the "Inner rebel" will critique me and peck away internally to the point i build resentment against the therapist and will not want to engage or will find ways to argue/Challenge the therapist solely for the point of wanting conflict with them.. Another thing i've found with myself is that i want to be heard and i want people to believe what i have to say, as i believe my truth is "The truth" Yet if people were to believe what i say i would accuse them of been nothing more than followers and not doing there own research yet if they challenged my view i would become resentful of them as i want them to believe what i have to say..Them challenging my view taps into my fear of humiliation.. So in essence i put people in a completely no win situation...The sad thing is i know i do this yet its like my automatic default setting which goes to again show just how conflicting this personality disorder is...I'm not saying this is true for all people with OCPD but i find it very true for myself and i remember posting something similar some time back on a OCPD Fb group and the vast majority identified with it.
  3. I appreciate everyones comments...Its a difficult subject.. My mother is the person in question..I'm estranged from all my family.. I've never met my biological father...I dont really have any intentions..Its crossed my mind on the odd occasion but i'm 38 years old and have no real intrest..The Man my mother was married too brought me up from been a baby..I dont speak to him... My mother and the man she was married too broke up when i was around 14-15 and my mother had a breakdown of sorts and she went on to be with another man...I was pretty much forced into living on my own as she went on too live with him..So i've lived on my own for 22 years ..I'm not mad at her,i dont hate her...I've been through the whole range of emotions over the years..Holding grudges,Been bitter,hatefull etc...I'm past that now .I had contact with her over the years but nothing close.I was a drinker back then and would show up trying to get money for drink or turn up drunk....I've not been in touch with her for about 12 years..We met briefly in a chance encounter some years ago..I briefly had contact but then shut her off..I feel bad for that as she actually did nothing wrong...I've always been of the belief i have nothing to offer her..I cant offer her a son relationship as i dont know how too !! I cant talk to her openly as i just dont know what to say to her...I just dont know what its like to have a relationship with my mother...I've been jealous of people in the past who had good relations with there parents..I remember telling a therapist that i just simply would not know what to say to her if i were to get back in touch...If anything i'd probably just be quiet...I've also thought that if i were to get back in touch because she knows that i'm not afraid to cut ties i believe she would act extra nice/clingy and try not to upset me just so i wouldnt cut ties again...And if so then the whole relationship would just feel fake..I hope that all makes sense?? This is all theoretical..Anyhow fast forward and i've heard shes not coping well and has hit the bottle bad...I feel such guilt its untrue..I hate the thought of her going through whats shes going through...My mind has tortured me with all kinds of images/thoughts of her suffering...Its horrible...I've barely slept...I just dont know what to do...Part of me feels i need to try and help and part of me just does not know what to do.. Its a tough subject and i appreciate everyone for telling me there own experiences..Thanks
  4. looking for advice from anyone who has been or is estranged from family.. I wont go into a big back log .In a nutshell i haven't spoke to my family in many years..Its not that i hate them or bitter against them (I'm long past all that) I just feel i have nothing to offer..Anyhow what would you do if you heard one of your immediate family members wasn't well..Due to drinking a lot of it...Would you get back in touch?? This is a very sensitive subject for me so please no reply's like "Well you only Get one Mother/Father "Etc..Just solid reply's...I honestly dont know what to do..I dont have anyone to speak to about this..I spoke to my Mental health worker today about it on my phone appointment but i brought it up towards the end of the call...Part of me didn't want to write this as my brain tells me nobody really gives a fuck..I know thats my own depression talking...This place is literally like my only outlet other than my mental health worker..Thanks for listening
  5. @mikl_pls I'm not 100% but from what i remember i think he took his channel down due to complaints..https://lasvegassun.com/news/2010/mar/23/bad-sense-humor-all-doctors-guilty/ He sure was...he used to do videos of himself talking about meds whilst in his underwear lol I liked his channel and i do miss it..He really knew his stuff regards meds and used to break his vids down into really easy to understand ways... On all accounts hes a very good psychiatrist...
  6. Does anybody remember this Guy off youtube?? Went by the name Dr of Mind..Hes a legit straight up Pyschiatrist..He ended up taking down his original channel..He was a real quirky character lol I actually liked him..I miss his channel .He had some really informative videos on medications and what combinations worked best etc Anyone else use to watch his stuff??
  7. Thanks everyone for your Imput @0112358 @Iceberg @Banana Smurf @Catnapper @Complicated toad
  8. Thats how i am at the moment...Just dont care,everythings a effort..I'm also feeling very irritable/Aggitated along with it.. Same here..MH is just something i dont talk about..Unless its with someone who also has MH issues...I just cant do with peoples ignorance around it.. That hit home..I've become so used to My Mental health Symptoms over such a long period of time that its just normal life...But its not normal and i should not accept it as normal....One issue for me is that the very thing there to help me (Medication) is the very thing i've developed a severe phobia of...I've been offered "tools" to combat my symptoms yet i'm scared to try it..How fucked up is that ! Agreed 100% I spend most of my time just observing around this forum...Sometimes i then just think fuck it..I need to get what ever off my chest..Or sometimes i just want interaction with people in the same boat..Thanks for responding..A lot of what you have said resonates with me..
  9. Anyone else out there who gets Anxiety/Agitation with there depression?? A little background...I remember getting depressed as far back as when i was 16..Back then it was more low mood and staying in bed all day...No desire to really do anything and a dark cloud type feeling...It would be quite transisent...Throughout my life i'd say i've always had a undercurrent of depression..Its always been there lurking under the surface...I've had maybe 2 Major Episodes of depression..By that i mean like whats described in the DSM..One was when i was drinking and one was about 5-6 years ago..These episodes tend to be very mixed...I'm extremely anxious yet depressed (Low mood etc) I'm very agitated and impatient..Its like i have a complete Rage with the whole universe...And my moods tend to change really rapid..I can be sad one minute angry the next...I'll also get these very very brief periods were i'll feel a sense of calm that will last literally a minute then i'll be angry/sad again...Its a bit like a little bit of sunshine shines through a dark cloud only for the dark cloud to conceal it again... Why am i writing this?? I'm just venting out thoughts in my head..This place gives me a outlet to get out the shit thats floating in between my ears...I live alone and dont talk about my MH to anyone really so here gives me a platform to vent with people who understand.. Right now i'm in a depression...I packed my job in the other week..I've not made any plans on when/if i'll return...I'm just auto piloting through life..I'm getting really anxious also..I've had lots of depersonalization..Especially today...Because i'm used to this i just put up with it..Which is no way to live..You could say i'm functionally depressed...If theres such a thing? Anyhow thanks for listening
  10. Found the full article on a Facebook Group i'm in...http://web.archive.org/…//www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/ocpd.htm
  11. There used to be an article online about OCPD and its probably the most accurate article i've read...Anyhows i cannot find the whole thing as it seems to have been taken down...I have however managed to find a small exerpt from it and wondered what over OCPD folks thought of it..Me personally i relate totally to it..Here it is "The essential conflict is between obedience and defiance. Behaviorally they are compliant; inwardly, they posses a strong desire to assert themselves and defy the regulations imposed upon them. Basically, individuals with OCPD consciously behave like the dependent personality disorder; unconsciously they feel like the antisocial personality disorder. As with the dependent personality disorder, people with OCPD incorporate the values of others and submerge their own individuality. However, inwardly, they are defiant, and the more they adapt the more they feel anger and resentment."
  12. @Iceberg I'm on 30mgs of Mirt...I was perscribed Serequel to take along side the Mirt..I'm on the lowest dose 25mgs..not started it yet...I'm under the care of a Nurse practitioner...Hes away for 6 weeks...I could ring my regular Gp for a phone appointment...I want to replace Mirt and just take Serequel...The Mirt does little if anything..I've been on it about 7/8 years now..In terms of what i'm treating....A mixture of depression/Anxiety and Obsessive/intrusive thoughts
  13. Has anyone switched from Mirtazapine over to Serequel... I'm considering ditching the mirtazapine altogether as i dont feel it does anything...Can you just suddenly switch From Mirt to Serequel or do you first need to taper down ?
  14. Atleast with Mental Illness we know what we are up against..Like you say its shit but familiar..I mentioned it to my mental health worker that from a "Cognative"standpoint i do want to be well and i hate the suffering and hardships of untreated mental health yet from a "Survival/subconciouss" Level maybe i dont want to get well because its unknown territory....He agreed that it sounds interesting/plausable... I dont know much about him to be fair..I've not read much of his stuff...i'll have a read up on him..I've heard him refered to as a quack a few times and most of his works is disregarded in modern Mental health ..Thanks for taking the time to reply
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