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GrannyG81

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  1. Damn..... That pretty much sums me up to a Tee !!! I can get very distracted by them.. I also flitter a lot with anxiety/paranoia...Anxiety does tend to be the most prominent of the two but they can feed into one another...I don't know why i have to have this imaginary conflict..I've wondered if on a subconscious level i'm trying to process some trauma?? I remember been in psychodynamic therapy and the therapist saying that been an angry person could be because of a unresolved wrong doing...Feeling that i've been wronged in life and its unresolved...Something along those lines... i'd like to offer you an answer to this but i'm not 100% sure as to why i even do it myself...Maybe its a combination of things??? I try to watch a lot of Alan Watts which is very Zen Buddhist...I find that it grounds me quite a bit..It helps me not to take myself to seriously too
  2. You sound very much like me...I ponder on stuff like this a lot...I saw a charity advert the other night about poaching Rhino horns and i was just disgusted ..I just cant wrap my head around that kind of mentality...Stuff like that really angers me no end.. I have a lot to say on this subject but i dont feel like i can articulate it online like i would like too..I'm going to ponder on this and get my thoughts together and come back to this..
  3. Yes i get angry over past wrongs done to me but i also get angry over imagined conflict...It sounds daft but i feel like i'm almost addicted to this internal imagined conflict...It happens everyday and i cant remember a day i havent had it..i'll watch debates purposely to get myself stirred up..The debates can be about anything..Religion,politics etc etc Another trivial example...I watched something on youtube last night about a guy who went to africa and helped put a water pipe in...And he then went on to say that if one person can do this why hasn't charity that has had billions poured into it over the years managed it..I started imagining having conflicts with people who stop you in the street to sign u up to a charity and having these angry debates about why haven't they done it??..Thats just a typical very trivial example...The subject content can be literally anything...These internal imagined conflicts boarder on obsessive..They take up a massive chunk of my day...I wouldnt say they are really bothersome although i can get to a point were the anger has drained me..At other times i do get a lot of guilt.. Part of me wonders if i've got a lot of unresolved anger going on and these conflicts that i imagine are a way of processing it??? I hope this makes sense as i have this obsessive fear about not coming across properly online... I can function and sometimes these internal conflicts can motivate me say when i'm in the gym...I do think part of me is addicted to it...I know it sounds daft but i just cant help myself to get wound up over something...I know that i'm quite sensitive as much as i hate to admit that and a lot of these conflicts inside of me play into my misanthropy as a lot of it relates to what can be happening in the world and human behaviour..
  4. Anyone else regard themselves as a misanthropist? I know i am..I don't know if depression plays a part in this or its just part of my personality...There's individual Humans i like and deep down i know that there's decent human beings out there but for the most part i'm definitely a misanthropist
  5. Anyone else always angry? Wether its at the world,Yourself or just anything in general? I always have a angry undertone to me..I'm always angry at something..It could be something from the past it could be something thats happening in the world or it could be just people and society in general.. I feel like i always have to be in some form of conflict..I'm always having imaginary conflict in my mind..The subject content could be literally anything ..Even when i feel pretty chilled i.e No major anxiety etc i still have to have some conflict going on in my head...To speak to me you wouldnt think it as i'm quite a pleasant person yet if there was some device that could look into someones mind you would be like WTF ...I dont find it a major issue per say at times it motivates me although some times it can be draining... Anyone else similar?
  6. Found this Forum dedicated to OCPD. Only just found it so cant comment on it as not had much time to take a look....Posting here for anyone with OCPD as it tends to be one of the lesser known PDs out there ..https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/ocpd/
  7. @Blahblah I've actually had similar where its induced anxiety/depersonalization....I'm gunna find you some of his longer talks as i dont think i could do it justice to be honest....I'm gunna find his talk about compulsive thinking..I'll tag you once i find it..
  8. Yes a real character...He has such a special charm about him...The way he describes the universe and life..He has this very unique way of explaining it....I havent read any of his books.....Theres loads of material on youtube...Its all free..I listen to him regular to help ground me.....Heres a small clip for you...Let me know what you think and i'll post some more
  9. I relate to this...Especially "I could sense the suffering of others" Your the first person i've come across that describes a symptom i had yet could not put into words...I remember trying to explain this to a pdoc..I cant remember how i worded it because i couldnt explain it...I think i said it felt somewhat i could think of someone and and what ever i felt was what they were feeling and it was normally not pleasent..I remember him stopping me midway and asking what i ment..I must of worded it in a way that give him suspicion that i was suffering some mental health symptom just by how stopped me and asked what i ment..I always thought it was some empath sort of thing? Who knows..I still get it... Deja vu i get regular.. Seeing signs.....Yep those too The problem is i do believe the universe gives us signs..My beliefs are somewhat in line with buddhism..Not that i'm buddhist but i do believe we are the universe etc and that it does communicate with us... Maybe theres a threshold were these beliefs at there normal level are completly acceptable..Bit like a Christian who believes in god yet at there extreme level they become a delusion of such..So instead of a christian believing in god they now believe they "Are" god and as such believe they have special powers etc.....Thanks for the reply you are the first person to put into words something i struggled to....Thanks for that
  10. @Iceberg I appreciate what u wrote there as i do feel like i'm been irrational and not thinking straight... For some reason in my mind i have this way of thinking that a psychiatrist is the expert in medication and by default anyone not a psychiatrist is not a expert and therefore not to be trusted in there experience... I've thought that it could even be another way of me putting off medication...Just more avoidance behaviour... I'm my own worst enemy at times
  11. So i'm considering starting from Scratch with my meds..Starting a new combo.. I'm currently under the care of a Advance nurse practioner at the mental health services..My issue is mainly fuelled by anxiety...My mind works in a hierarchy type way and its making me not trust been under the Care of a ANP when it comes to giving me meds and that i should be under the care of a Psychiatrist which in my Hierarchy state of mind sees them and only them as experts in prescribing...I dont want to pose this to the ANP as i dont want to feel like i'm belittling him...After all they wouldn't have prescribing powers if they didn't have full indepth knowledge of treating MI.. if it were just a Antidepressant i needed i wouldnt have much anxiety about it..Its more that i need a Combo of AD+AP (which i'm already terrified of) And i feel that combos like that are best left to Pdocs...Thats what my anxious mind tells me anyway I'm not scared of standing up and stating what i want and expect from MH professionals i just feel like if i were to say to him i dont trust you to perscribe then its based on me been irrational as they wouldn't be able to prescribe if that was the case.. My mind has this way of thinking that Pdocs are the experts on prescribing for MI and anyone whos Not a PDoc does not therefore i cannot trust them to prescribe...This all fuels into my anxiety/paranoia as i know i'm been completely irrational about it.. Is anyone here under the care of a ANP?? Am i been irrational as i feel i am?? I'm considering going down the Private route of getting a PDOC..I dont know i'm very muddled in thinking.. Cheers
  12. Totally agree...The way my mind works is i understand things better if theres a label there...Not just in mental health but life in general... Say i take my car to the garage and the mechanic says well.." There seems to be some gas leaking here and it could be that the the metal has eroded or maybe its down to this ring here that has slipped off" To me that would be fuzzy language and would frustrate me no end were as if mechanic b said " Your exhaust has broke you need a new one" I can handle that as i know what the problem is...Mechanic A would have me guessing the issue...Hope that makes sense..Thats just how my mind works I do understand mental health is not the same but i do get frustrated in the same way...If i'm told i "Over think" i see that as fuzzy language..Were as if i'm told i'm "Obsessive" i now know the problem... When i got told i had OCD i thought atleast i now know what i'm up against and similar when i get another Diagnosis of OCPD ..Were as i've had professionals in the past tell me i had "Low mood" etc which is then open to interpretation were as when i got told i had "Depression" i understood that entirely...I dont know if theirs a name for this type of thinking...Maybe its a form of black and white or maybe rigid thinking...I just know my mind works in this mechanical kind of way that understands things when theirs a direct kind of answer to my problems whether that be Via labels to problems etc...Hope this makes sense..I have this horrible obsessive trait that makes me think i'm not explaining things properly..Most folks tell me they understand me perfectly well yet i still have this nagging doubt that i'm not... Yes i think thats why AP aswell as AD maybe due to the paranoid/Bizzare content that underlies my obsessions... Thanks for your feedback
  13. I had this obsession for a good couple of years..Even though now it dont bother me its still there in the back of mind...For example if i were to see a used needle on the floor i would get the "What if" Thoughts.What if i stood on it without realising etc But they dont have the same impact like they used to..I dont think folks understand that even after you "Over come" a particular OCD theme Like Hiv in this instance its almost like it leaves a mental imprint of scar..Just because it dont have a hold on a person like it used to it still lurks in the background.. Dont sound abusrd at all...Seriously.. I thought i got Hiv from getting some blood on my finger at work..And then would have this fear that i got it off phones/door handles etc not realising that if i thought i already had it..Why would it bother me touching door handles etc as u cant "Re get it"...Very confusing..I had alsorts of bizzare ways in which i thought i cought it and yes even though absurd they felt extremely real at the time..Plus i felt so much guilt towards people who do have Hiv....I felt like i was adding to the stigma..Really bad times I think maybe OCD in its strongest form..On the OCD spectrum at the far extreme end OCD can actually become delusional..I'll find some extracts and post them I've thought similar..I just try to remember that they have probably heard it all before..Its there job to hear the crazy things we come out with..I even used to try make it comical ..In that i used to imagine my doc going through regular routines with regular patients treating regular ailments etc and then i come in chirping on about how i've contracted hiv from a phone..How i've devised this idea about combusting in the bath lol and all the other crazies on my mind..It used to take the embarrasement out of it in some ways as i imagined the doc after i've left shaking there head wondering what on earth just went on there lol It probably makes there day a little more interesting listening to some of the stuff we come out with lol..I could be wrong just my way of coping it Thanks for your feedback
  14. Ok to get straight to the point...Do we have any Alan Watts fans in here ?
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