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    escaping my neural net

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  1. sometimes I feel like my sleep deprivation is a form of relapse

  2. Hi, I am still here. Glad to be here. Headed into the deep woods (literally) without internet for a couple months tho. Looking forward. Honestly I have a hard time living indoors for reasons. So I may be away again for awhile but just wanted to check in.

    1. jarn


      That sounds exciting!  

  3. So I was feeling better, and then yesterday I felt tired with the fever like I did a week ago. I really hope this is not round two, like when people feel better and then get worse.

  4. I just wanted to stop back in here having given this whole thing some more thought. The thing I'm really conscious of is how self-hateful the whole framing of "pathetic baby ego" is. It's like, of course I feel inferior to everyone and obsessed about it. My whole babyhood, childhood, and teenage years, not to mention adulthood, I wasn't good enough for the abusive people who were literally my gods. There was no respite from my parents. The entire community was just as bad or worse. No wonder something very small and ashamed in me feels threatened any time I think I might not be "the best" - being "the best", in my mother's eyes, was the only time she acted like she loved me. (As long as I wasn't "better" than her - then things went badly.) And that'd just for starters. We won't even get into the rest of them, here. I think part of what's hard is that it seems "narcissist" is bandied about on the net and elsewhere like it is the worst thing anyone can be. So that if I think some part of me is one, or an inverted one, well, I'd better hide that. Otherwise, Goodbye to Ever Being Loved, right? Except... except I'm sorry, but just no. Infants are narcissistic, and it's healthy of them. It's not bad. And my inner infant cries in the dark all the time, and was never good enough for any of Them, Then... and isn't good enough for Me, Now. Well, that's gonna change. I don't care what anyone who hates thinks about it. I'm done calling that child things like "pathetic." It's going to be a very hard habit to break, and I'll probably do it again, and I'm leaving my original title on this so people can see how my thinking moved. I have a narcissistic part inside me. It's a true story. Or, as some might call it... abused infant and child personalities. And I'm done hating on them. That part / person in me wants to be the best. That part / person thinks that's what makes them worthy of love. We need to work on this, but the first thing I'm going to do is just accept it. Be like, okay, that's how you feel! I'm not going to argue. I'm just going to listen. And I'm not going to hate. Except when I mess up. And then, I need to apologize. Those kids dealt with enough bullsh*t in their lives. I don't want a whole other lifetime of it to come from me. I can't see things getting better that way. Obviously, I don't need to act on the edicts of children. But I do need to listen, and be kinder. I hope I can lift my own shame enough to start doing that.
  5. Dealing with the mental effects of my child abuse is like trying to reverse engineer a really hard problem that didn't have to happen in the first place.

  6. Just made a mistake in Real Physical Life and actually looked for an undo button in the air around said thing. Quarantine has started to get... a little long.

  7. When people with authority over me say things like, "I don't have the luxury of turning on my phone at 9am"... cool, do you have the luxury of sleep being a good, restful, non-terrifying nightmare-ridden panic attack inducing hellhole for you? How nice for you, and kindly f*ck right off now.

    1. Spiny


      I live in an area where people think that in bed by 9, up at 4, is a moral issue, not a circadian rhythm issue. It's hard enough being a 10am - 3am person on a good day in such a world, but the superiority ableist crap coming from professors etc... over it.

  8. Eyes crossing from mixing music... that computer / not enough water headache - but, I'm not on a vent, so there's that!

  9. Thanks for this thread. As someone who's been on and off suicidal for a long time, faces addiction, and has watched way too many friends die of diseases the authorities didn't care about until it was too late (HIV anyone...) the feeling of "it's happening again..." has been real. I started writing a song about it, if I ever finished maybe I'll post somewhere.
  10. Just got an email that my school is moving all classes to online next semester. I seem to feel inordinately sad about this. Of all the things to feel sad about right now.

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Spiny


      I'm a vocalist. My classes are in piano and guitar tho, since my one of my goals going to school was to get a band together again and this time have some actual power in the songwriting process. Not that singers can't have power, but combined with gender-based biases and straight up discrimination (rampant in the music business...) I found it difficult to insert myself. So I went to music school and it cost me a bunch of money but I am more empowered and actually composing my own stuff which I always wanted.

      I do have to send recordings of my voice for recording and songwriting classes tho - augh the stress - gotta get used to it tho. It's so strange to be simultaneously the kind of exhibitionist that a lot of front people in bands are, while also having a severe, like, severe, social anxiety disorder that almost no one in my meatspace life knows the full extent of. The worst for me is right after a show. People think that because you can be on stage, you're fine talking to people off stage... really I just always want to run out the back door and hide in the dumpsters... ah... not that I've ever done that irl or anything... ah.... :)

      What kind of art do you make?

    3. echolocation


      i have read that the music industry can be quite discriminatory. i'm glad you've found a way to bolster yourself against the prejudices you face in a way that ultimately helps you get closer to your goals.

      there's something about being on a stage that somehow bypasses my social anxiety. i can speak to an audience without breaking a sweat, but once i'm done talking i don't want to talk to anyone! a speech, i can rehearse. one on one conversation is a lot easier to mess up.

      i do drawings and paintings, mostly portraits. i feel most at home working with inks and watercolours, but i mess with acrylics, coloured pencils, crayons, brush pens, and whatever else i can get my hands on. :) 

    4. Spiny


      I've read that the music industry is the third most discriminatory industry on the basis of sex and gender in the United States, probably in other places too. I'm sure racist discrimination levels aren't that great, either... I wouldn't necessarily know, but I have observed... things. Thanks for the props. Yeah, it pisses me off sometimes... the years eaten up by this, and even by school, but at least I'm on my way now. Feels like it's almost too late, but not quite.

      Totally hear you about being onstage. As a vocalist, one thing that happens after a show is that people want to touch me. It's not in a creepy way (usually), it's that they are trying to touch the Spirit, however one conceptualizes that, and a lot of people don't get that it doesn't come from me, it isn't in my body, it's... elsewhere. But they want to touch sometimes, and if it's not sexualized and weird I usually can allow it. It isn't so much triggering as draining.



      one on one conversation is a lot easier to mess up.

      Yeah... this is always a problem for me. Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autism. I can't tell if it's autism or trauma or both. Or a PD. Or co-current. Who knows.

      That's awesome you draw and paint! I have like 0 talent in that regard, always admire people who do. There is a lot of that where I live... it's strange, I'm basically friends with all visual artists and hardly any musicians, which is new and kinda funny to me.


  11. Hey, thanks for saying all that. I think the idea that one is supposed to be ashamed for financial assistance from the government / society is one of the most nefarious messages out there for sure. I'm going to repeat that to myself. Thank you.
  12. It's good to hear everyone's perspectives, thanks for sharing them. For me, I think part of the heartache is that I have a degree, and I was supposed to "do so much" with that degree... but what actually happened was a lot of job hopping, criminalized activity, and a couple of attempts to get some businesses off the ground which crashed and burned. Me not being economically productive is I'm fairly sure one of the reasons my family turned their backs on me, which in my opinion is ableist as all hell but it still hurts. I somehow feel like I owe society my continued misery even though I know that's ridiculous. Honestly... I'm pro-guaranteed income anyway, like for everyone below a certain income level, so I try to remember that. It's maddening, the shame. I get that it comes from society politics and the media, but sometimes it's hard to put a finger on "where is this shaming coming from," it just feels so pervasive. It can make me focus on trying to work when I really should not.
  13. Some days it's harder to try than others. Feels like my life got stolen from me. I know genetic vulnerability is a thing, but... some adults really pushed things over the edge. I'm wary of resentment and rumination - bad for me, an alcoholic - but sometimes can't seem to get out of it. I can validate the Angry One - hey, it's valid - but life is still hard. Seems to me it's pretty much a crock the way society claims to care about kids, but once one is an adult child - it can feel like, dang, they don't even pretend to care now. Sigh. K back to work from bed

    1. saintalto


      No one helped me as a child. I really needed it, and I suppose I could have gotten some help if I asked for it, but I didn’t know how to ask because it never occurred to me that what I experienced was abnormal. It was all I knew and most my friends had shitty home lives too so I didn’t have any healthy examples of family to contrast my situation with.

      As an adult I have found people are willing to help you if you seek help out, but now you have to pay for it.  

    2. Spiny


      Thanks for relating. It helps to hear the voices of others.


      It was all I knew and most my friends had shitty home lives too so I didn’t have any healthy examples of family to contrast my situation with.

      I really relate to that. In my case I wonder if I met a person who wasn't an abused child or someone who had been abused before I was 18. I think maybe one person. Honestly I think the most damaging thing was the lack of contrast. If I had had some other family to contrast my family's bullsh*t with, I would have known I wasn't delusional. I'm don't suffer from delusions, but I have trauma from literal decades of thinking I was not seeing reality. 


      As an adult I have found people are willing to help you if you seek help out, but now you have to pay for it.

      The propensity of my society to just throw away anyone without healthy-enough family privilege makes me grind my teeth every day.

      For me I will say Adult Children of Alcoholics & Family Dysfunction has helped. The primary issue in my home wasn't alcoholism although that was a thing... but the dysfunction was really real. Those groups have been the only place I've received real, deep validation in a setting with more than one other person.

      Anyway thank you for replying, and I'm so sorry it was so shitty and that you got neglected.

  14. Dang it now I wish I could edit and change the title! I'm new here sorry. Thanks for the clarification. I have to say I don't really like "benefits" either. I can't quite put my finger on why, but there's almost something... patronizing about it, maybe? Anyway yeah totally agree re: capitalism. Helped to read, thanks. EDIT - ha - figured out the edit mechanism! That is brilliant, thank you. That actually really helps.
  15. I originally put "entitlements" in the title because I think that people are entitled to enough money for housing, healthcare, some treats, etc, but see below for why I changed it. At least - I think everyone is entitled to those basic rights when it's other people I'm thinking of, and not me. I have a bachelors and half of an associates. I have the privilege of having always had a relatively quick analytical brain. And, I'm on a check, and food stamps. I feel SO incredibly guilty and ashamed about this - even though I know plenty of people in the same position, and I would never think that they don't deserve their entitlements and disability! It doesn't help that my bio family and lots of former "chosen" family look down on me for it. In my 20s, when I was using a lot of drugs and booze to cover what turned out to be a severe psychiatric problem, I think it seemed to a lot of people like I was on the "up." Then I got sober, and, well... it turned out to not be the case. Oftentimes, I'm able to talk to my self / selves and remind us that we think that everyone deserves to have their needs covered and that we think housing and healthcare, and honestly guaranteed income, should be basic rights for everyone, and that "we" are part of the "everyone." Other times, like today... I just feel like such a loser and failure. And also really scared about the future. I concoct wild ideas to get myself off benefits... and then I realize why it's a bad idea. And then I get mad, like - why should it be considered a "good" thing for me to get off my check? But then I get ashamed again. I dunno, I'm sick and not really thinking clearly. I just thought I'd ask if anyone can relate. ❤️
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