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    escaping my neural net

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  1. Just got an email that my school is moving all classes to online next semester. I seem to feel inordinately sad about this. Of all the things to feel sad about right now.

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    2. Spiny


      I'm a vocalist. My classes are in piano and guitar tho, since my one of my goals going to school was to get a band together again and this time have some actual power in the songwriting process. Not that singers can't have power, but combined with gender-based biases and straight up discrimination (rampant in the music business...) I found it difficult to insert myself. So I went to music school and it cost me a bunch of money but I am more empowered and actually composing my own stuff which I always wanted.

      I do have to send recordings of my voice for recording and songwriting classes tho - augh the stress - gotta get used to it tho. It's so strange to be simultaneously the kind of exhibitionist that a lot of front people in bands are, while also having a severe, like, severe, social anxiety disorder that almost no one in my meatspace life knows the full extent of. The worst for me is right after a show. People think that because you can be on stage, you're fine talking to people off stage... really I just always want to run out the back door and hide in the dumpsters... ah... not that I've ever done that irl or anything... ah.... :)

      What kind of art do you make?

    3. echolocation


      i have read that the music industry can be quite discriminatory. i'm glad you've found a way to bolster yourself against the prejudices you face in a way that ultimately helps you get closer to your goals.

      there's something about being on a stage that somehow bypasses my social anxiety. i can speak to an audience without breaking a sweat, but once i'm done talking i don't want to talk to anyone! a speech, i can rehearse. one on one conversation is a lot easier to mess up.

      i do drawings and paintings, mostly portraits. i feel most at home working with inks and watercolours, but i mess with acrylics, coloured pencils, crayons, brush pens, and whatever else i can get my hands on. :) 

    4. Spiny


      I've read that the music industry is the third most discriminatory industry on the basis of sex and gender in the United States, probably in other places too. I'm sure racist discrimination levels aren't that great, either... I wouldn't necessarily know, but I have observed... things. Thanks for the props. Yeah, it pisses me off sometimes... the years eaten up by this, and even by school, but at least I'm on my way now. Feels like it's almost too late, but not quite.

      Totally hear you about being onstage. As a vocalist, one thing that happens after a show is that people want to touch me. It's not in a creepy way (usually), it's that they are trying to touch the Spirit, however one conceptualizes that, and a lot of people don't get that it doesn't come from me, it isn't in my body, it's... elsewhere. But they want to touch sometimes, and if it's not sexualized and weird I usually can allow it. It isn't so much triggering as draining.



      one on one conversation is a lot easier to mess up.

      Yeah... this is always a problem for me. Sometimes I wonder if I have some kind of autism. I can't tell if it's autism or trauma or both. Or a PD. Or co-current. Who knows.

      That's awesome you draw and paint! I have like 0 talent in that regard, always admire people who do. There is a lot of that where I live... it's strange, I'm basically friends with all visual artists and hardly any musicians, which is new and kinda funny to me.


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