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AprilRose

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  1. I'm writing a memoir about my recovery story with schizoaffective disorder. I've suffered with it but mostly I've just lived with it. Now I'm 30 and I'm on the best meds for me and with very little side effects (clozapine and epilim). While I was the most delusional and manic, I was also successfully studying philosophy at Uni. So, my memoir is also filled with my journey through philosophy, learning about this concept called 'truth', not knowing what it is, denying the truth, then accepting it. For example, when I'm an average weight, guys pay attention to me and like me. When I put on 30kg, when guys pass me on the street, they avoid eye contact. The truth is that looks make a difference. When I get married, I don't think my groom would want me when I'm the most sick. I'm fucking crazy when I'm sick. These things so far are not entirely 'philosophy'. I'm sort of out of the zone right now since I started Uni again 2 and a half weeks ago. That brings me to the point I wanted to make in this post: I don't have good concentration abilities! I'm mentally exhausted so much of the time. I'm trying to exercise to make it better, eat healthily: veggies and enough protein, enough nutrients and vitamins, bla bla... I'm actually losing weight. I've lost 12kg over the past year. Slow and steady right? But back to the main point: I wish I had more mental energy. And while my head is tired, my physical body is struggling too. Is 12 hours of intense study about a moderately boring topic a week a lot? No! A lot of my peers have part-time jobs. This is the first time I've been able to write about anything not related to 'old age, aged care, dementia, nursing homes' - my subject (I'm doing a Social Work degree). When I come home, I want to sit on the couch and watch easy tv crap. 10 years ago, I'd come home from business college and read philosophy and I didn't need hardly as much sleep as I do now. Dammmnnnn. I wonder if there is something I can do or take to improve my concentration; my energy levels. My moods are great since I increased my epilim by the way! So happy about my moods - I definitely feel stable. I've had no mood swings in about 4 weeks. But then again, 10 years ago, I was 20. That's really young. I'm older. My metabolism and my lungs and my heart and my etc etc is older. I don't know - I must ask my psychiatrist about this the next time I meet him. The other point of this post is that I don't know if people who also have schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia or bipolar or psychosis - I don't know if you guys would like to know my philosophy of life, my philosophy of the self, free will - the mind controlling you instead of you having control of your own mind, the addiction of mania, the grief and mourning of beautiful delusions disappearing when you're forced to take meds, the cloud of anti-psychotic medication, re-learning how people work, how you're supposed to work, the difference between someone who doesn't have a mental health diagnosis and someone with one, stereotyping, stigma, the shame, guilt, feeling like no one understands you, how families react to an (child) adult having their first psychotic episode or first whatever. Not having insight. Insight is a big factor in getting well. And it's one of the hardest things to 'have' when you're psychotic. These things aren't really philosophical but they can be! I might write about how they're philosophical in another post. If you've gotten all the way till here, thanks!! And please leave a comment! I want to connect with people who are similar to me, and those who are interesting - mental health stories, symptoms, experiences, thoughts and feelings interest me! Thanks again! x
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