Therapy doesn't work. Medication makes me feel not suicidal. I've been depressed since eight grade, and every year since then has gotten progressively worse. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've wasted my life and I'm only sixteen. I have no friends because I'm a reclusive person and I have almost no interest in other people. For my entire life I haven't been able to truly relate to anyone before. Looking back I haven't really... done anything. I mean, I have some good memories here and there but the overwhelming majority of my existence feels wasted. And every second of life not fulfilled to it's limit is a tragedy.
There is so much I want to do. I want to make video games, learn programming, do gymnastics, start a garden, martial arts, running, weightlifting, drawing, storytelling... but it all feels so unreachable. It's just a dream. I almost constantly, for the past few years, have had this "weight" on me. A black cloud, a monster, pushing against my being at all times to ruin me. All my dreams, my biggest hopes, I doubt will ever be fulfilled because I'm simply too weak of a human to follow through with the harrowing experience of achieving them. I like to imagine myself as the person who wins in the end, and this miserable part of my life is simply the beginning, before I succeed. But that's not true. There is a massive difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. Nearly every effort I make to take that first step into a journey, a skill, an experience, just repulses me back when I see how hard it is, and I look at my own inadequacy, and then I give up.
I'm only sixteen. I still have my youth. How bad will it be when I grow older? What will happen when my parents die? Who will be there for me? How will I spend my life? Things are so bad now, I can't even imagine how bad it could become in the future. I'm still young. I still feel like there's some small crack of hope left for me. But when I'm a middle aged man, living alone, living for nothing, that is one of the most depressing images I can think of. I used to be suicidal. Not anymore because the medicine artificially removed those thoughts. But at that point in my life? I can almost ensure that I will kill myself. I already feel as if I've wasted my life. The pain of feeling that as an old man, when I'm closer to the end of my life, the end of my only existence I will ever have, would be unimaginable.
Sorry for being depressing but I want to get this off my chest because I don't have the strength to say these things to anyone in person. Hopefully I didn't ruin anyone's day. 😅