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esmerinhell

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  1. i haven't really looked into medication other than CBD oil and antidepressants, and overall i'm really not into taking more things than i already am, i hate relying on it. i don't worry about the future much as of lately, i've been distracting myself pretty much 24/7 for months now so i haven't had an existential crises in quite a while. whatever you're going through i really hope you find some way out,
  2. im back, happy to see what people have said. thank you both, i really appreciate it.
  3. i stopped seeing my therapist roughly four months ago, but i still take medication, which is just thyroid meds, antidepressants and CBD
  4. i tried therapy for a couple months back in 2020. i stopped because i dreaded it and honestly didnt see any improvement, i dont know if im being impatient or if it just isnt that effective.
  5. i've been sleep deprived so many months now. i dont know why but i can only fall asleep at like two in the morning despite the fact that i have to wake up at eight for school. usually i feel horrible just after waking up although it wears off and i feel fine, but now its starting to seriously affect me. school alone has made me start self harming again and ever since i woke up this morning i've felt sick.
  6. nothing. i used to be suicidal too, and maybe i still am, but the meds artificially inflate my mood so i am just on the verge of being functional. i completely understand how you feel about medication not working, i went through that too.
  7. Therapy doesn't work. Medication makes me feel not suicidal. I've been depressed since eight grade, and every year since then has gotten progressively worse. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've wasted my life and I'm only sixteen. I have no friends because I'm a reclusive person and I have almost no interest in other people. For my entire life I haven't been able to truly relate to anyone before. Looking back I haven't really... done anything. I mean, I have some good memories here and there but the overwhelming majority of my existence feels wasted. And every second of life not fulfilled to it's limit is a tragedy. There is so much I want to do. I want to make video games, learn programming, do gymnastics, start a garden, martial arts, running, weightlifting, drawing, storytelling... but it all feels so unreachable. It's just a dream. I almost constantly, for the past few years, have had this "weight" on me. A black cloud, a monster, pushing against my being at all times to ruin me. All my dreams, my biggest hopes, I doubt will ever be fulfilled because I'm simply too weak of a human to follow through with the harrowing experience of achieving them. I like to imagine myself as the person who wins in the end, and this miserable part of my life is simply the beginning, before I succeed. But that's not true. There is a massive difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. Nearly every effort I make to take that first step into a journey, a skill, an experience, just repulses me back when I see how hard it is, and I look at my own inadequacy, and then I give up. I'm only sixteen. I still have my youth. How bad will it be when I grow older? What will happen when my parents die? Who will be there for me? How will I spend my life? Things are so bad now, I can't even imagine how bad it could become in the future. I'm still young. I still feel like there's some small crack of hope left for me. But when I'm a middle aged man, living alone, living for nothing, that is one of the most depressing images I can think of. I used to be suicidal. Not anymore because the medicine artificially removed those thoughts. But at that point in my life? I can almost ensure that I will kill myself. I already feel as if I've wasted my life. The pain of feeling that as an old man, when I'm closer to the end of my life, the end of my only existence I will ever have, would be unimaginable. Sorry for being depressing but I want to get this off my chest because I don't have the strength to say these things to anyone in person. Hopefully I didn't ruin anyone's day. 😅
  8. Ok cool. I just want to be part of a community like this since I can't really talk to anyone about my self harm.
  9. I just joined and I see some posts are from the early two thousands and I'm not sure if this thing is abandoned or not. Also, I don't cut myself I just hurt my body in other ways. Am I allowed to post here and is there any rules I should be aware of?
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