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  1. When I was a teenager, I really liked older women. Dated a couple. When I was in my 20's, I dated girls my own age. When I was in my 30's, I dated women from late teens to mid 20's, mostly - and one who was exactly my age. I stopped dating in my mid 30's and am now 41. The obvious factor is youthful beauty. But there's also the fact that younger women are just more fun. I have no interest in starting a family. I don't want to get married. I don't even like to date anymore, because I find that I'm consistently less happy in a relationship than on my own. My standards are very high. I
  2. My folks were (are) conservative Bible-Belt christians. But not nearly that oppressive. I've been in therapy for decades trying to undo what my mother did to me with her cruelty and manipulation. Only part of it was religion based, though. Mainly, she is just a narcissist. What you are experiencing is actually child abuse. It does not have to be physical or sexual to be abuse. She is emotionally abusing you, which can be as harmful or even more harmful than other kinds of abuse. Unfortunately, it is not recognized as so by the State. Emotional abuse has to be extreme to the point of
  3. Yep. I can't keep my place clean no matter what. If I try to start cleaning, I'll get one little area super clean, and then get lost for hours super-organizing one drawer or something like that. Best thing I can do is just give myself 20 minutes to clean like a mofo. Just pick up EVERYTHING and throw it in boxes, and put the boxes in a closet. I almost never need most of the stuff that is lying around anyway.
  4. The people I'm around make me depressed. On the days I can be alone with my dog, I'm really happy. But the people I collect feel entitled to claim hours, days, or weeks of my time. Tell me how to dress, when I can sleep or be awake, when I can be out or at home, etc. The guy I work with expects me to work for him for free half the time - he just assumes that I have absolutely nothing to do with my time, so it's just fine for him to ask me to spend 10 hours today doing manual labor to fix up his studio. And he owes me thousands of dollars for the PAID work I have already done. He says he'll pay
  5. I wish you were having a happy birthday. But I really know what you mean. Half of my depression is based on the fact that I can't just be a better person and so not be depressed. If I was good enough at life to have a good job and positive finances, to stay healthy and fit, and to be able to attract a quality mate, I would be happier. But I'm not, and I hate myself for being so weak and lazy and inept. I look back, and almost all of the catastrophes (lol) and problems in my life have been self-inflicted. I am the problem. Not life, not bad luck, not my parents, boss, or people around me. It's
  6. Same here. I've had a ton of problems self medicating with depressants (and stimulants, and you-name-it, but mostly depressants). There are a couple of reasons, and different classes have different benefits for depression. Alcohol blocks some of your ability to think, meaning you can feel a bit more carefree and not dwell as much. There is a slight amount of euphoria when drinking, which means it can be a bit of an antidepressant (in the psychological sense, not in the CNS sense). It's like people say - they drink to help them forget. Benzos are fairly obvious - they are exceptional at st
  7. I am going to look for a new therapist. I'm feeling slightly less hopeless today. I also am going to look into SSDI. "Back payment" sounds like something I could really get into :oP
  8. Does anyone know what permanent effects can arise from doing shit tons of opiates for years and years? Doctors tell me that there is no lasting effect, but 4 years later and I'm still not the same. Mostly just feeling low and achy and too much negative energy - like PAWS is still in effect. But also a whole lot of mood deadening. Like I forgot how to have anything more than the most basic emotions. And my impulse control has completely disappeared. Probably coincidence, but I'm not so sure. I was on Suboxone for a little over a year near the end, and it definitely did some weird shit to m
  9. My clock is pushed forward, too. I started working the late shift at 16 and it stuck. My sleep doctor said it's Advanced Sleep Phase Disorder, I think. Something like that. The only way to really fix it is to just stay up and hour or two later every day, and get up an hour or two later until you've flipped the clock forward and are at a "normal" schedule. But you have to stick to that schedule every single day, because if you waver just a bit it will all go to hell and you'll revert back. But he said trying to go the other way and get up earlier and earlier rarely works. I stopped going t
  10. I told my last psychiatrist all of this, and her opinion was always that I was "doing fine," because I hadn't attempted suicide or didn't hear Satan telling me to put the neighbor's cat through a meat grinder or anything like that. I saw her through the local university's program (she was a Dr. but just doing her internship), and I guess that she was interested in treating the worst cases. Anyway, she said I was doing better than all of her other patients, because I was able to do things like leave the house and go to the grocery store. I guess that most of her patients were completely unable
  11. People's knee-jerk response to complaints about depression is almost always some form of "it will get better, so don't worry." But I'm convinced that is not true for me. I have been severely depressed off and on for nearly my entire 40 years. I used to have extremely bad periods where I was very suicidal, and some relatively good periods where I still had lots of trouble with my mood and fears of life but could see enough hope to get out of bed and try at life. As I've gotten older, and been on AD's for years and years, it's become less varied. I don't get low enough to actually attempt suicid
  12. I don't really believe in laziness. If you feel good, you do stuff. When you feel good, you get sh*t done. I believe that all laziness is actually fear or depression or just plain ol' efficiency. People like to beat themselves up about all the things they "should" do. But most of those things don't really need to be done. If you value your time more than you value your house being spotless, that's just your priorities, not laziness. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Also, remember that motivation follows action, not vice versa - so if you just get up and do one simple thing, it often leads to
  13. SanDorf, how did you respond to ECT? Sometimes I wonder if that may be worth looking into. I've tried a lot of antidepressants - SSRI's don't work for me, they just make me feel crazier and I can't sleep. Serzone (SNRI) worked pretty well, but then they discontinued it. So I'm on Cymbalta now. It works ok, and the side effects aren't too bad. It takes me from severely depressed to moderately depressed. I'm also taking Wellbutrin, for the 'activation'. It does up my motivation a little, but I have to make sure I take it early because it also keeps me awake (I have lots of sleep problems).
  14. I've been to several psychiatrists and psychologists over the last 15 years. I have been diagnosed with something slightly different by each psychiatrist, and of course the psychologists don't really give you a diagnosis. I've been told these: adjustment disorder with mixed anxiety and depression disthymic disorder MDD/Anxiety (current pdoc) But they don't really seem to care much about the diagnosis. Like, I have depression and anxiety and no matter what you call it the treatment is going to be about the same. I realize that all of these I listed are fairly similar, but I also wonder ab
  15. I'm right there with ya, poli. I've been depressed since I was around 10 (although I never knew it back then, just knew I hated life and wanted to die). I have 'come out of it' for periods of weeks or months, maybe 6 months one time. But I'm 38 now, that makes the same 28 year 'rut' as you I guess. I've been to many therapists/pdocs, off and on (mostly on) for the last 16 years since I attempted suicide at 22. I've tried at least a half dozen antidepressants as well as several anti-anxiolytics, anti-psychotics, sleep meds, and a few other random meds, in various combinations - along side CBT,
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