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ineedtodie

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  1. @Antecedent, thanks. I don't know what is going on with me in these last few weeks. I am generally in a very plain or low mood but for some reason I have been feeling seriously upset, nervous, restless. I am supposing it has to do with being on a deadline about some family and personal issues and the fact that in less than a month, it will have been two full years of hours wasted wondering: "would I have been killed? Did I violate that commandment?" I thank you for pointing me to Jesus. It is sincerely what everyone does, not only in my case but in those of similar circumstances. I am gonna hate myself for sounding so vain and selfish in front of people who are trying to help me so eagerly, but I can't hide the truth behind any pretense. What truly pains me is that, I can't accept the fact that I violated Leviticus 20:15. I simply can't see myself counted among those who I deem utterly disgusting. Being sexually with animal? That's beyond ghastly. I would personally never, ever want to share my space, my time with someone who did that, and I personally believe that law was right in killing those people. They committed an act that is too loathsome. They don't deserve to live, let alone live comfortably and enjoying whatever is available for us as humans. And now I am what I had always abhorred. It is easy to be forgiven by Jesus, but now what? I can't live with myself knowing I carry this stain. Vain and selfish. I warned you. That's how I feel. I can't feel fully well whenever a friend of mine invites me over to play games or hang out. I can't feel good when I am having lunch with my family on a weekend. I keep thinking: "I don't deserve this. I don't. I violated an animal. I should be dead. Not enjoying this. I wanna die. When will I die? Should I kill myself?" That's why I have been investigating every single technical detail about how the law was meted out, in order to know if what I did was a full-blown transgression and thus measure how grave my sin was back then. I have consulted and reconsulted nearly every source of knowledge on such matters: Talmud, Christian penitentials, Islamic Hadiths, old European laws on sex crimes. I have read multiple medical books describing paraphilias. I have read multiple accounts of people who did similar things with their pets. And yet I can't find an answer. It honestly feels like something so gray. I tried to take the focus out of myself and judge such a case as an outsider when I read of confessions by very regretful people who in their teens did the same as me. But it still feels gray. Ok, there was no carnal intercourse, but it was still so disgusting, something normal never do. It doesn't help that even theologians don't agree on such matters. Some maintain that I and such teens would not have been killed, because of age and immaturity and no serious violation and on and on, while others do. I just don't wanna feel so guilty whenever something good happens to me. I wish I could fully live life as it is, not feel like I should be dead every other hour. Despite having prayed countless times for death, God seems to take very good care of my health overall, no matter what I do. What is the point in living if I am that which I hate? I don't remember any fateful date back in May 2019. Some relatives of mine had their birthdays, that is all I remember. Ironically, I had been feeling very bad and crying constantly for months because the said pet dog had undergone an emergency procedure in november 2018 and it was clear to us she wouldn't live for long, being so old and frail. She was very dear for us all since she was our first pet as kids, very dear to us all and saw me and my siblings and cousins growing up. She passed away indeed after one year after the surgery. It has been one of the most devastating things in my entire life. I discarded the fact though that it could have anything to do with the onset of my obsessive thoughts because the same thing happened back in 2017, out of nowhere. I have been eagerly praying for an answer from God about the nature of my act. The deadline I mentioned, it has to do with some expectations of my family on about a few decisions that will affect us professionally. I am being pressed to take action, for something that in the longterm will be amazing possibly, but I can't act, because I feel...unworthy of good things. Someone, pray for me. Please. I am running out of resources.
  2. A lot of what you said makes sense, @Antecedent. Despite having found so many answers and having imagined nearly all possible scenarios of how punishment would be meted out on me, it is not so much stemming from a sheer need of reassurance as a need to find the true answer. As someone religious, we are taught that no matter what branch of Christianity you follow, there are bound to be both right and wrong doctrines in your cult. A Protestant/Catholic/Orthodox or even a Jew or Muslim, Abrahamic religions, can be right in many precepts and yet err on contested subjects like predestination, eternal damnation, veneration of saints, pre-existentialism, purgatory, denial of the trinity, and so on. I don't know if this is a sympton of OCD, but whenever I find an answer, I question its validity. Is it really inspired by God? Is it the correct interpretation? An author can be 80% right and 20% wrong. What if his interpretation on a certain commandment is wrong? The pandemic did take a toll on my sanity but this all started back in may 2019, months before the outbreak of Covid in China. It was very sudden, I don't understand why. I was living life relatively well but suddenly an overwhelming sense of guilt came over. In a month it will be a complete two years since it began, carrying a feeling of guilt in every single good thing I do since then. The thought that I violated Leviticus 20:15 and that because of that I forfeited my life makes me insanely wish I was dead. A week doesn't pass by where at least on one day I don't check suicide techniques. If I had a gun, I swear that at certain moments I would have absolutely offed myself. If the Bible commanded those who violated that to be killed, why should I still be alive and making plans for a better life? Or enjoying whatever good thing happens to me? This last Easter holiday was particularly hard for me. Because of the ambiguity of the seriousness of what I did to my pet, I really don't know what could have been done to me under a Levitical regime. By cross-referencing other similar commandments on sodomy, adultery, fornication and incest, I have found no sactisfatory answers. At what point would two men, or two women, or a married woman and a lover, or blood-relatives, be subject to death? From a kiss? An embrace? Fondling? It seems such technicalities are never dealt with by most authorities and that is very difficult for me. Regardless, I am definitely willing to know what you feel tempted to answer to me. I assure you it won't be harmful to me at all, not even to my OCD. @Fluent In Silence, what makes you say I didn't have sex? I mean, if two people engage in oral sex, they have definitely crossed some lines. I wanna thank you for the verses you quoted. It is not so hard to believe I am forgiven by God as it is to live with myself knowing of such a stain in my record. Leviticus commanded death for transgressions that were deemed grave and heinous. A married or engaged woman who had sex with another man would be liable to be stoned. Jesus in the NT is shown forgiving an adulterous woman and letting her go. Sounds very good that she didn't have to be killed for her mistake and that she is forgiven, but now what? She would have to carry the shame of being an adulterous woman her whole life. Everywhere she would go, whatever job she would want to take, whoever she would want to relate to, people would either know of her past, or she would always remember how unworthy she is, and how so many other people never did what she did and thus are above her. That's how I feel. Unworthy. Full of shame. I swear it could be easier for me if I were killed because of what I did. I would not have to live like this. It hurts. Immensely. I never imagined I would feel this much pain in my life. People in despair often find ways out, but there is no fixing to what I did.
  3. I thank everyone for all the kind words. It has been a tough year thus far. I have been on new medication but it hasn't improved stuff by far. All I want to know is if my act would have been one worthy of death if Biblical law were still applied today. I feel I would ascertain the gravity of my act, and if I would ever be able to forgive myself, if I knew for sure how grave my act was. "If a man mates with an animal, he shall surely be put to death, and you shall kill the animal. If a woman approaches any animal and mates with it, you shall kill the woman and the animal. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood is upon them." Leviticus 20:15‭-‬16 I have found extrabiblical material written by Jews where they explain how the laws would be enacted. Apparently, it took an individual of at least a determinate age and committing acts of a determinate nature for capital punishment to be applied. That is why, according to Rabbis of centuries ago, lesbianism was not punished with death, unlike sodomy, neither was a woman and her lover killed if caught practicing anything short of copulation. Also why no one under aged 12/13 would answer for any grave act. I was 12 and touched my pet dog in an illicit way. According to Judaism, my sin was a lesser one than would require death. But most Christians I have asked tell me I would have been killed. I don't know who is right. As insane as I sound, it is very important for me to know in order to possibly forgive myself if my act back then was a full transgression of Leviticus. If it is confirmed I violated a law gravely, and that my sin was not a minor one, God might forgive me, but I will never forgive myself. I keep reading whatever material I can find but I am still confused. In analogy to something like adultery or homosexuality, it is highly unlikely it would not be a serious offense if a woman and her lover, or two men, were caught kissing, fondling or having non-penetrative sex. It is this way now and probably used to be back then, regardless of law specificities. It hurts to this very moment not being able to find an escape from all this pain.
  4. I don't know what to do anymore. I am at my wits' end. Life feels absolutely over knowing what I did back then. When I was 12, I was a lot into sexual stuff and would only talk sex with my schoolmates. Jokes, stories, anything. Often felt horny when alone in my bedroom. Had been watching porn since I was 10 and for some reason I don't know, I had an inherent interest in sex since very young, despite no outside influence leading me to act like that, despite my religious upbringing. I was 12, maybe 5 or 6 months before I would turn 13, can't even remember if I had discovered masturbation already, when one day as I was just browsing the internet alone, I utterly out of the blue wondered what it would feel like to receive a blowjob and it came to me I could use my pet dog, since I was never close to finding anyone to do that, being shy as I was. It all happened so fast. I don't know why I reasonated like that. So I went to where it was and approached it and touched its mouth with my member in an attempt to have it lick me. It just moved the head away and didn't do anything. I touched its teeth and gums for about 8 or 10 seconds, trying to see if it would lick me. Since it was doing nothing, I just stopped and left back to my computer. I never ever did the same thing again and that episode had basically faded into oblivion during the rest of my teen years. I felt as repulsed by the thought of bestiality as anyone else does. It had no allure to me at all. That memory came back though to haunt me thrice during my adult years and it was absolutely horrible. Once when I was 19 and had a mental breakdown, resulting from a few years past of struggling with depression and OCD, left unnoticed and untreated. It was part of a generalized feeling of guilt over many mistakes I had committed in my life, and one of those was what I did with my pet dog. Past a few months where after I recovered from that mental breakdown, taking a few medicines after some doctor appointments, I didn't think of it again and followed with life. Then I was 22 and out of nowhere it came back to me again, on a Saturday. It was a year when I was trying to make friends and the prospects were good. Then it came to me. That memory. Out of nowhere. Me and a repulsive act with an animal. I felt like utter human trash for weeks from that Saturday on. I was mentally exhausted so I left the community college. I cried and sobbed daily when at the thought that I had abused an animal sexually. I was raised a Christian and part of the guilt in committing that act was that Leviticus 20:15 reads if a man lies with an animal, he would have to be stoned. There are many types of sins in Christianity and Judaism, but some are graver and more heinous and had to be punished with death. The thought that I had committed a sin that was spiritually so heinous and worthy of death made me despair of life. I felt unworthy of any good thing. I tried finding answers to my questions, asking if I had really violated that commandment by what I did. Every Christian I talked to anonymously told me I would probably have been stoned but that I should just ask for forgiveness. It hurt immensely. It wasn't until I had a frank and open conversation with a religious Jewish man (more on that later) that I felt like I was normal again, that I could seek to be happy during this life and that I was worth good things coming my way. After many things I read while looking for answers, it seemed to me Jews were better acquainted with how Leviticus laws were dispensed. He told me I was fine. Since May 2019 though, for some reason, the feelings of guilt returned, but this time, they haven't abated to this very moment. For more than a whole year now, I have spent every single day with the thought that I am worthy of death. In October last year, my sanity deteriorated to such a point that one evening I started having mild hallucinations. I had never hallucinated in my whole life. On many days I binged on Xanax to try and sleep for 12 hours. It was the only moment of peace for me. I have ingested stuff like insecticide, kerosene, alcohol, pieces of plastic on certain days during the whole time on impulsion, when the pain felt too overwhelming, trying to lousily kill myself and put an end to my misery. All I got was an upset stomach and burnings. I hadn't ingested insecticide since I was 14. I hadn't felt so depressed and despaired in years. I had never got drunk my whole life but then I did, with cleaning alcohol. I was surprised at myself. Like I mentioned before, I was raised a Christian and as such I was taught since an early age about Leviticus and how the death penalty used to be applied to anyone who had sex with animals. In order to excuse myself, I have searched for every kind imaginable of material on sexual matters and applicability of those laws during Mosaic times. The Talmud, old Catholic penitentials, books by modern scholars, talking to some people anonymously. I tried my best to find out under what circumstances the death penalty would be applied. I felt confused. Every Christian dismisses Judaism as non-inspired by the Holy Spirit, and every Jew dismisses Christ entirely. I don't know what view is correct concerning my questions. Would I have been killed or not? Was my sin the most heinous kind? I felt like the conversation I had with that kind Jewish man back in 2017 was for nothing after what many Christians told me. I am aware I sound like I am insane. It is hard to explain myself, but I just don't wanna live knowing I had committed such an abhorsome act. To think that my sin would have been punished with death if I lived in another age. To know I had a sexual contact with an animal. I feel disgusted at myself, but if there is one person I can't flee from, it is myself. I am now almost 27 and I have never felt so hopeless and despaired. I haven't completed my education as I was supposed to. I have been suicidal since my teens but not to the extent I am now. Despite everything I have read, I haven't found a definite answer to my questions. Was my act one worthy of death? Was it a lesser or major transgression? How should I live my life in view of what I did? I am aware no one is stoned anymore for committing acts like adultery, incest and zoophilia, but the thought that I have committed the unthinkable, that I would be counted among those that do such things with animals and thus become irreparably despicable, has made me lose every single shred of hope and zest I still had for life. I really don't know what to do. I just wish I could die. I write this as an attempt to pour out my confession somewhere. Yes, it is the end of 2020 and I spent this whole year in misery for what I did with my pet dog. My parents have no idea of why I am so depressed and I feel so sorry for the troubles I am causing them in the state I am in. A whole year sulking in depression. A single day didn't pass by where I didn't wonder if I would have been killed or not. There was so much I wanted to do in my life, but now I feel unworthy even of eating something sweet and pleasant, of being with those I love, of doing fun stuff. I genuinely just wish I could die. I was praying daily for some months for a fatal disease to take my life, to no avail. I feel like if I had a gun in my hands, I wouldn't think twice. As uncertain as suicide feels concerning future peace, I feel like every last reservation I had towards it melts away. I really want to die. I needed to confess this somewhere.
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