I don't know what to do anymore. I am at my wits' end. Life feels absolutely over knowing what I did back then.
When I was 12, I was a lot into sexual stuff and would only talk sex with my schoolmates. Jokes, stories, anything. Often felt horny when alone in my bedroom. Had been watching porn since I was 10 and for some reason I don't know, I had an inherent interest in sex since very young, despite no outside influence leading me to act like that, despite my religious upbringing. I was 12, maybe 5 or 6 months before I would turn 13, can't even remember if I had discovered masturbation already, when one day as I was just browsing the internet alone, I utterly out of the blue wondered what it would feel like to receive a blowjob and it came to me I could use my pet dog, since I was never close to finding anyone to do that, being shy as I was. It all happened so fast. I don't know why I reasonated like that. So I went to where it was and approached it and touched its mouth with my member in an attempt to have it lick me. It just moved the head away and didn't do anything. I touched its teeth and gums for about 8 or 10 seconds, trying to see if it would lick me. Since it was doing nothing, I just stopped and left back to my computer.
I never ever did the same thing again and that episode had basically faded into oblivion during the rest of my teen years. I felt as repulsed by the thought of bestiality as anyone else does. It had no allure to me at all.
That memory came back though to haunt me thrice during my adult years and it was absolutely horrible. Once when I was 19 and had a mental breakdown, resulting from a few years past of struggling with depression and OCD, left unnoticed and untreated. It was part of a generalized feeling of guilt over many mistakes I had committed in my life, and one of those was what I did with my pet dog. Past a few months where after I recovered from that mental breakdown, taking a few medicines after some doctor appointments, I didn't think of it again and followed with life.
Then I was 22 and out of nowhere it came back to me again, on a Saturday. It was a year when I was trying to make friends and the prospects were good. Then it came to me. That memory. Out of nowhere. Me and a repulsive act with an animal. I felt like utter human trash for weeks from that Saturday on. I was mentally exhausted so I left the community college. I cried and sobbed daily when at the thought that I had abused an animal sexually. I was raised a Christian and part of the guilt in committing that act was that Leviticus 20:15 reads if a man lies with an animal, he would have to be stoned. There are many types of sins in Christianity and Judaism, but some are graver and more heinous and had to be punished with death. The thought that I had committed a sin that was spiritually so heinous and worthy of death made me despair of life. I felt unworthy of any good thing. I tried finding answers to my questions, asking if I had really violated that commandment by what I did. Every Christian I talked to anonymously told me I would probably have been stoned but that I should just ask for forgiveness. It hurt immensely. It wasn't until I had a frank and open conversation with a religious Jewish man (more on that later) that I felt like I was normal again, that I could seek to be happy during this life and that I was worth good things coming my way. After many things I read while looking for answers, it seemed to me Jews were better acquainted with how Leviticus laws were dispensed. He told me I was fine.
Since May 2019 though, for some reason, the feelings of guilt returned, but this time, they haven't abated to this very moment. For more than a whole year now, I have spent every single day with the thought that I am worthy of death. In October last year, my sanity deteriorated to such a point that one evening I started having mild hallucinations. I had never hallucinated in my whole life. On many days I binged on Xanax to try and sleep for 12 hours. It was the only moment of peace for me. I have ingested stuff like insecticide, kerosene, alcohol, pieces of plastic on certain days during the whole time on impulsion, when the pain felt too overwhelming, trying to lousily kill myself and put an end to my misery. All I got was an upset stomach and burnings. I hadn't ingested insecticide since I was 14. I hadn't felt so depressed and despaired in years. I had never got drunk my whole life but then I did, with cleaning alcohol. I was surprised at myself.
Like I mentioned before, I was raised a Christian and as such I was taught since an early age about Leviticus and how the death penalty used to be applied to anyone who had sex with animals. In order to excuse myself, I have searched for every kind imaginable of material on sexual matters and applicability of those laws during Mosaic times. The Talmud, old Catholic penitentials, books by modern scholars, talking to some people anonymously. I tried my best to find out under what circumstances the death penalty would be applied. I felt confused. Every Christian dismisses Judaism as non-inspired by the Holy Spirit, and every Jew dismisses Christ entirely. I don't know what view is correct concerning my questions. Would I have been killed or not? Was my sin the most heinous kind? I felt like the conversation I had with that kind Jewish man back in 2017 was for nothing after what many Christians told me. I am aware I sound like I am insane. It is hard to explain myself, but I just don't wanna live knowing I had committed such an abhorsome act. To think that my sin would have been punished with death if I lived in another age. To know I had a sexual contact with an animal. I feel disgusted at myself, but if there is one person I can't flee from, it is myself.
I am now almost 27 and I have never felt so hopeless and despaired. I haven't completed my education as I was supposed to. I have been suicidal since my teens but not to the extent I am now. Despite everything I have read, I haven't found a definite answer to my questions. Was my act one worthy of death? Was it a lesser or major transgression? How should I live my life in view of what I did? I am aware no one is stoned anymore for committing acts like adultery, incest and zoophilia, but the thought that I have committed the unthinkable, that I would be counted among those that do such things with animals and thus become irreparably despicable, has made me lose every single shred of hope and zest I still had for life.
I really don't know what to do. I just wish I could die. I write this as an attempt to pour out my confession somewhere. Yes, it is the end of 2020 and I spent this whole year in misery for what I did with my pet dog. My parents have no idea of why I am so depressed and I feel so sorry for the troubles I am causing them in the state I am in. A whole year sulking in depression. A single day didn't pass by where I didn't wonder if I would have been killed or not. There was so much I wanted to do in my life, but now I feel unworthy even of eating something sweet and pleasant, of being with those I love, of doing fun stuff. I genuinely just wish I could die. I was praying daily for some months for a fatal disease to take my life, to no avail. I feel like if I had a gun in my hands, I wouldn't think twice. As uncertain as suicide feels concerning future peace, I feel like every last reservation I had towards it melts away. I really want to die.
I needed to confess this somewhere.
