Goofball

So I’m overwhelmingly a checker…most all of the time. But it has become significantly better just recently. OTOH, I have become horribly obsessed with bad things happening lately (exploding pipes in my home causing all kinds of damage, my building suddenly crumbling and falling down [I swear my living room is so badly leaning, that it’s just gonna fall off], my cat dying, me developing cancer, among other things). It’s become pretty bad of late, and only alcohol has been an useful distraction (and, of course, I’m a terrible alcoholic, so I think that’s going to kill me, too). Also, in the past, I’ve had many times where my hand washing compulsion has gotten really bad, and led to my knuckles bleeding and stuff, even though I live in a mild climate with interior humidity control. And now, I’m having some hoarding issues as well, along with all of the obsessive crap. My bipolar/psychosis is currently in full remission, if that matters. I guess I’m just wondering if other folks flit about with different types of OCD like this every now and again.

My visual hallucinations have nearly all been completely true to life. The only exception that I can think of was this one time when I got these sort of computer-generated wavy shapes. But they were still very distinct, seemed real enough (even though they clearly didn’t resemble anything in reality), were very clearly red or blue, had a fairly straightforward path of motion, and so forth. They also seemed angry/aggressive, and that they could maybe hurt me. (I know, go figure!) That said, I know that there are many people who get very different types than I do. Things coming in and out of the shadows, lurking in the corner of your eye, and whatnot … these all seem to be fairly common. Anyway, just because your hallucinations don’t look look like a real wolf, the police, a relative, or whatever, doesn’t mean that you haven’t suffered a legitimate hallucination just the same. For whatever it’s worth, most people who I have talked to about their visual hallucinations do not typically get the type that I do. The same also goes for auditory hallucinations, but not quite to the same degree, perhaps. And when I have visuals, I virtually always have auditory ones simultaneously, so I guess that makes sense. I hope this stuff dies down for you. I have been lucky not to have much in the way of this stuff for a number of years now. I just seem to get the occasional olfactory or auditory hallucinations these days. Half of the time, I don’t even try to check them. If they keep recurring, I start gobbling zyprexa, but that’s pretty much that.

I might consider your approach if this next tactic fails. I am going to try acamprosate. Pdoc doesn’t have a lot of faith in it, however. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

It’s a very common delusion to think that you’re being monitored or tracked by the government or a cabal, or whatever. I’ve BTDT many times, and I honestly have issues with trust when it comes to these things. That’s why I have all of the cameras and microphones on my various devices physically blocked, so as to prevent any monitoring. I know it seems really extreme, but it’s one of these things that sticks with you when you’ve been dealing with shit like this for a long time. I am in complete remission right now, but there is no way in hell that I would allow access to my video cameras and microphones on my computers, iPads, and phones. Sorry, but not gonna happen. And I know how crazy it sounds. Even so, it’s my reality, and I’m not budging.

There’s typically always a way out. It just may take a very long time to see it. Our lives are so, so different from those of most other people, that you simply can’t compare things like that. Some of us have a nasty habit of destroying our life over and over and over again. That doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve the happiness that everyone else has; it simply becomes more difficult to figure out in many cases. I’ve watched my life implode over and over and over agin throughout the years. You think I did any of that on purpose? Of course not! I didn’t plan to take 9 years and 4 schools to get my undergraduate degree, but that’s what it took. I’m like frickin’ Sarah Palin! The point is that life can throw you some serious curveballs, and you have to adjust as best you can.

I hope your experience was better than mine. It worked for me that last time I was in remission, and it might have worked this time, if only I could get past the debilitating headaches. But such was not the case. But my results are not your results. The best of luck to you!

Depakote has been a very good drug for me. I’ve been on it since 2016, and, while I still have the occasional breakthrough mania or mixed (and/or psychosis), that typically only happens about once a year. And it’s much, much tamer than it would be otherwise. You just have to make sure that you are reasonably close to your target level, or otherwise things can get away from you, like they did for me this spring. But pdoc increased my dose from 1500 to 2000, and after a lot of zyprexa, I am now in a complete remission, something that hasn’t happened since before I went on depakote. Some people have weight gain/hunger issues on it, but I haven’t experienced that, at least not to my knowledge.

Another thing that keeps me going is the possibility of remission. I am currently in one. It has been over 5 years since my last one ended, and this one is very new, but I’ll take whatever I can get.

The Naltrexone gave me horrible headaches this time ‘round, for some reason, so I had to stop that. Now I am just waiting for the perfect confluence of events to occur so that I can stop (feeling like crap, running out close to closing time, without enough wherewithal to go get more, and then feeling still feeling shitty the next morning, and/or sleeping through much of the day). That’s pretty much the only way that I can quit normally. Maybe I can run out tonight, and then take a bunch of Zyprexa and Vistaril tonight and tomorrow. IDK.

Doxepin (300 mg) worked well for me the 1st time, but none of the times thereafter. I did a slow titration, starting at 50 mg, and going up another 50 mg every month. I didn’t feel results until maybe 200 mg, but they were quite good by 250 mg. I mostly just went up to 300 mg so that there were fewer pills to swallow (2 x 150 mg vs 5 x 50 mg).

Since I appear to be in remission now, I am starting naltrexone starting tomorrow. I hope it works as well as the last time I was in remission. It unfortunately does nothing when I’m not. Cross your fingers for me, ‘cause I really need this to work.

I think I may have entered remission, too (no mania, mixed, or depression for 2 weeks, and no psychosis for 3 days). Last time that occurred was six years ago, and I got a year out of it. It ended when I went off of meds, so I will try not to make that mistake again. As for how to live while in remission? Enjoy every moment of it. Just drink in everything life has to offer. And get your shit together, too. My mistake last time was that I had been so exhausted by all of the MI shit, that it took me a really long time before I felt like I had enough energy to do stuff. And then when I got that back, I just got caught up in relaxing and enjoying the moment. A little too much. And then it was over, and I wanted to cry for wasting it all. Well, too much of it, anyway. Clean your place up. Take care of health issues that you’ve neglected. Stop bad habits and eat well. Get plenty of sleep, but not too much. Start enjoying your hobbies again (or start new ones). Maybe even start seeing someone. Perhaps even take a vacation, or even just a road trip. And just enjoy the world and all of its wonder while you can, because the gift of remission has a nasty habit of not lasting terribly long, at least in my experience.

Now we're supposed to think Reagan, Bush and the Cheneys are cool? They got us here

Everyone is a bit different, and not everyone agrees on what criteria you have to meet in order to be labeled an alcoholic. Some people have issues with a few glasses of wine after dinner. With others, like me, there’s just no way you can’t plainly see it. But rather then getting caught up in definitions and diagnostic parameters, it might be helpful to look at it from a different perspective: is your drinking, no matter how little (or how much) causing you distress, interfering with your work, your life, or the enjoyment thereof? I’m not saying that answering yes to any or all of those questions means that you are an alcoholic, mind you; rather, I’m suggesting that your answers can be informative with respect to whether you should monitor your intake, cut it down, or even quit altogether (or, perhaps, none of these things). IDK, my brain is a little scrambled right now, so I might not be making much sense.

I think Davina’s idea of keeping a daily checklist or schedule that you at least try to follow is a very good idea. I was definitely much more productive when I did that. The problem is getting past that initial hurdle, overcoming the “inertia,” as it were. But once you actually start doing it, it’s not so bad. Unfortunately, when you are very depressed, you can feel paralyzed, and unable to do something as simple as that. I am currently not setting a good example, because I am not following my own advice here ATM. But I fully intend to. I just need a swift kick in the arse, I guess.