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Everything posted by Goofball

  1. I’ll have to google spravato. I’ve been dealing with it for over 4 decades now, so I know how “joyous” those anniversaries are. 🥺
  2. You’ve been off of it for over ten years, and you still get brain zaps? That’s messed up.
  3. I am pretty much in the same boat, Ceremony. I have two meds left, but one is highly unlikely to work, and the other is an MAOI. Food is the one thing that MI hasn’t ruined for me, so I’m not willing to let it take that away from me on the off chance that it might provide some relief. So therefore TMS and ECT. But he also mentioned ketamine and psilocybin. But the former is apparently no good for those who hallucinate. Not sure why my pdoc didn’t mention that, if true. And I have no clue as to how to go about getting psilocybin, or how to use it.
  4. Thanks for the replies, everyone. I was manic for a little over a week, then I had a slow motion “crash.” But with a fairly soft landing. I’m just sleeping 12-16 hours per day. I’m going to go slow getting off the Effexor, but hopefully it won’t take too long. It’s really making my hair fall out. Even more than Abilify or stims do.
  5. I recently became manic, and the Effexor is the only med change I’ve made. I don’t wan’t to bug pdoc on weekend. I’m managing things with Zyprexa right now, but it doesn’t seem to last long enough. My question is simple: how long does it take to safely quit Effexor? I’m at 225 mg. I know I could just go to 150 mg easily enough, but could i just go straight to 75 mg and be OK? Or just quit it altogether?
  6. I get that sense of urgency. I have tons of stuff I have no place for ATM, but I thought I needed to buy it NOW. My hall is clogged with the stuff, so much so that I can barely move around in it. I hope you can get your spending under control. Mine had subsided finally, but then I became manic and started up again. I am calmed down now, taking my Zyprexa. I just have some racing thoughts and hallucinations left. I have thought of putting all of my credit and debit cards in my safety deposit box, and then getting cash once a week. I’m not sure that would work, though, especially since I have the one card memorized. I suppose I could order a new card, though. I just wish I could be normal. Brain cooties suck.
  7. I don’t know what your depakote levels are (or even what mine are), but I’m on 500 mg am and 1000 mg pm, and that seems to keep most of the cuckoo away, so that I don’t need Zyprexa too often. It doesn’t do anything for my depression, but then it’s not known for that. And while it’s not an antipsychotic, the dose seems to stave off psychosis, for the most part, I suppose as a side effect of keeping the mania at bay. I still have breakthrough episodes, but they’re usually not very severe unless I stop taking my depakote as prescribed. In any case, you might want to discuss your depakote dose with your pdoc, and see if an increase is warranted. If nothing else, you might be able to decrease the amount of AAPs you’re taking.
  8. OMG can I relate to this! When I use a blow dryer, I not only have to unplug it, but I have to put it in the middle of the bathroom (tiled) floor. And check for heat. Because, you know, FIRE! I also always unplug appliances like toasters. And even then sometimes it isn’t enough. I’ve been known to flip the circuit breaker on occasion. Checking that doors are closed and locked is my other big one. I’ll check over and over and over and over and over and.... Even once I’ve left, after already checking a dozen times, I’ll often find myself having to head back home and check again, even if I’m nearly at my destination.
  9. Managed to get back on the wagon a few days ago, thankfully. Usually my relapses go on and on and on and....
  10. Seems like it’s going the way you’ve wanted with respect to the meds. Sorry that your depression has been acting up, though.
  11. When my mood tanks like that, I’ve found that either Ritalin or Adderall helps bump me up some. This helps whether I start the day off lower than normal, or if I have a sudden slump during the course of the day. When I take either regularly, I don’t have so many sudden drops, and am less depressed in general. Adderall works better than Ritalin for me, but has worse side effects. What I do is take 30 mg to start, and then I take 10 mg every 4 hours. I’ve found that it’s not helpful without that larger initial dose. 30 mg is what’s required for me to overcome the initial “inertia,” and jolt me out of the slump. After that, I don’t need as much oomph to continue sailing through the day. The extended release (e.g., Concerta) does not work for me, probably because it doesn’t deliver enough of an initial lift.
  12. After a little over 2 months, I succumbed to temptation while in the grocery store. It’s just so easy to cave when it’s right there staring you in the face. They always seem to put it in a place where you can’t avoid seeing it, too. I wish they didn’t sell it at grocery stores.
  13. Hopefully you’ll get it today, and it will crush the psychosis that you’ve been experiencing. Did loxapine do anything for your mood or anxiety in the past?
  14. I’ve never found Zyprexa to do anything for depression, but it is very effective for destroying mania, or the the manic portion of mixed states. It also stops hallucinations and delusions in their tracks. But for depression? Nada. For me, anyway. You seem to be having breakthrough psychosis even on a 30 mg dose.
  15. You could also ask for some other tricyclics. I see you’ve tried doxepin, but what about amitripyline or nortriptyline? Then there are the MAOIs, of course. Also, it seems like there are still one or two newer ones that you haven’t tried yet. I can’t think of them (other than Fetzima, which Iceberg mentioned). Another idea is to try some of the ones you’ve already tried for a second time. If you discontinued any of them because of bad side effects, you may be able to tolerate them the second time through. Many of the meds I’ve tried for a second time have not had any (or hardly any) side effects at all.
  16. It’s too bad your pdoc appointment is Thursday instead of tomorrow. I hope you can hang on.
  17. Sorry for not being more precise. I meant it the way you described it. My experience jibes with yours about it usually becoming more noticeable during a lengthy depression. Personally, I find it occupies a prominent place during the lion’s share of my protracted depressive episodes, which they all seem to be these days, lasting right up until the depression lifts. Perhaps it is always there throughout my depressions, but it is masked by more noticeable symptoms earlier on. Then, as the other symptoms dissipate, the anhedonia becomes more and more apparent. IDK. While I am not going to end up in the hospital while anhedonia is my most apparent symptom, I am still far from functioning normally. Things don’t get done, and that can occasionally lead to issues that are just as problematic as those incurred as a result of a manic episode. Ironically, I’ll pour boatloads of alcohol on the wound in order to not feel the not feeling, if that makes any sense. It subtly diverts my attention away, numbing the numbness, as it were. But ultimately, all it’s doing is changing the flavor of numbness, leaving behind a truly epic alcoholic in the process. I think it’s worth noting that some bipolar types feel like some level of mania is their normal, say a milder hypo. I myself felt that way many a time. But, after having a reasonably long “remission” a number of years back, I realized that normal was not that elevated, and was, sadly, a bit of a disappointment when you’re used to the exhilaration and energy that accompanies (hypo)manias, even during the milder stages, like in one that has a slow onset. So previously I would miss the warning signs when I was becoming (hypo)manic, because I just thought I was finally getting back to normal. I mention this here, because if your main symptom has been anhedonia for a long time, be especially aware of how you feel if you think the depression is lifting or has lifted. What you might initially perceive as normal could be a (hypo)mania taking root. I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to halt a (hypo)mania in its tracks early on, and sometimes very difficult to stop once it has been left to its own devices for too long. So no matter how much I want to feel “that feeling” (if you’ve had it before, you’ll know what I mean), I’ll take my prn at the first sign of (hypo)mania and dispense with it (mine is VERY effective for me if taken early on). It sucks, because I invariably end up back in anhedonialand. No normal. But no out-of-control (hypo)mania, either. And, perhaps most important of all, no crash. At least that’s been my experience. It can be very tempting to let the (hypo)mania run its course, even if only for a little while. But that’s playing with fire.
  18. A higher dose of Paxil did that to me, and it sucked balls. It may have helped a little with my regular flavor of depression, but I was left in an apathetic and uncreative state. Trying to write music was like pulling teeth. It was most unenjoyable. I can say that, when meds have *really* helped me, that I did NOT feel apathetic or emotionally numb. Quite the opposite. It seems to me that you are likely still very much depressed; you’re simply not in the ‘death throes’ of the turbulence that comes with the deeper states (or other flavors) of depression. If that’s the case, then your meds would appear to be only working part way, at least ATM. There’s even a term for this type of depression: anhedonia. It’s no fun, either, as you apparently realize. I am currently in similar state, although it has eased up in this regard, and now my main nemeses are lack of motivation and lack of energy. Everything is a Herculean task, and I am just not up to doing any of it, really. As for what might help, perhaps a med tweak is in order. One thing that might help is the addition of a stimulant. That doesn’t pull me out of the anhedonic state, but it does lessen it some.
  19. For me, the depression just lifts, sometimes more slowly, and sometimes more quickly. That said, *IF* I launch from depression into mania or a mixed episode (as in recent years), I can definitely feel dread, as I know what is to come. I admit to waiting a bit before taking my prn medication if it’s “just” mania, because it feels so damn good (especially after having been depressed for godonlyknows how long).
  20. My command hallucinations have been in other voices, not my own. That said, I’ve had them come from both inside my head and outside my head. So I’ll have someone else’s voice inside my head compelling me to do something (typically suicidal/homicidal or non-lethal SH), possibly with visuals to boot, OR inanimate objects telling me to do something in their own voices. The objects have been real objects so far, not visual hallucinations. The singular defining feature of these command hallucinations has been that I feel very strongly compelled to perform the command. It can take a lot of strength not to act on them, especially when they’re suicidal or instructing you to harm yourself in a very significant way. But for the intervention of friends on some occasions, I very likely would have succumbed. That’s just my experience. YMMV. I would definitely mention this to pdoc, even if you think you’re safe from acting on them. At the very least, you might learn something about them, even if you can’t stop them from happening.
  21. Thanks. It helps just knowing I’m not alone in struggling with this. I mean, sure, I knew others have this issue, but it helps to hear someone discuss it. How would you describe the “pre-buy feeling?”
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