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Goofball

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Everything posted by Goofball

  1. It’s too bad your pdoc appointment is Thursday instead of tomorrow. I hope you can hang on.
  2. Sorry for not being more precise. I meant it the way you described it. My experience jibes with yours about it usually becoming more noticeable during a lengthy depression. Personally, I find it occupies a prominent place during the lion’s share of my protracted depressive episodes, which they all seem to be these days, lasting right up until the depression lifts. Perhaps it is always there throughout my depressions, but it is masked by more noticeable symptoms earlier on. Then, as the other symptoms dissipate, the anhedonia becomes more and more apparent. IDK. While I am not going to end up in the hospital while anhedonia is my most apparent symptom, I am still far from functioning normally. Things don’t get done, and that can occasionally lead to issues that are just as problematic as those incurred as a result of a manic episode. Ironically, I’ll pour boatloads of alcohol on the wound in order to not feel the not feeling, if that makes any sense. It subtly diverts my attention away, numbing the numbness, as it were. But ultimately, all it’s doing is changing the flavor of numbness, leaving behind a truly epic alcoholic in the process. I think it’s worth noting that some bipolar types feel like some level of mania is their normal, say a milder hypo. I myself felt that way many a time. But, after having a reasonably long “remission” a number of years back, I realized that normal was not that elevated, and was, sadly, a bit of a disappointment when you’re used to the exhilaration and energy that accompanies (hypo)manias, even during the milder stages, like in one that has a slow onset. So previously I would miss the warning signs when I was becoming (hypo)manic, because I just thought I was finally getting back to normal. I mention this here, because if your main symptom has been anhedonia for a long time, be especially aware of how you feel if you think the depression is lifting or has lifted. What you might initially perceive as normal could be a (hypo)mania taking root. I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to halt a (hypo)mania in its tracks early on, and sometimes very difficult to stop once it has been left to its own devices for too long. So no matter how much I want to feel “that feeling” (if you’ve had it before, you’ll know what I mean), I’ll take my prn at the first sign of (hypo)mania and dispense with it (mine is VERY effective for me if taken early on). It sucks, because I invariably end up back in anhedonialand. No normal. But no out-of-control (hypo)mania, either. And, perhaps most important of all, no crash. At least that’s been my experience. It can be very tempting to let the (hypo)mania run its course, even if only for a little while. But that’s playing with fire.
  3. A higher dose of Paxil did that to me, and it sucked balls. It may have helped a little with my regular flavor of depression, but I was left in an apathetic and uncreative state. Trying to write music was like pulling teeth. It was most unenjoyable. I can say that, when meds have *really* helped me, that I did NOT feel apathetic or emotionally numb. Quite the opposite. It seems to me that you are likely still very much depressed; you’re simply not in the ‘death throes’ of the turbulence that comes with the deeper states (or other flavors) of depression. If that’s the case, then your meds would appear to be only working part way, at least ATM. There’s even a term for this type of depression: anhedonia. It’s no fun, either, as you apparently realize. I am currently in similar state, although it has eased up in this regard, and now my main nemeses are lack of motivation and lack of energy. Everything is a Herculean task, and I am just not up to doing any of it, really. As for what might help, perhaps a med tweak is in order. One thing that might help is the addition of a stimulant. That doesn’t pull me out of the anhedonic state, but it does lessen it some.
  4. For me, the depression just lifts, sometimes more slowly, and sometimes more quickly. That said, *IF* I launch from depression into mania or a mixed episode (as in recent years), I can definitely feel dread, as I know what is to come. I admit to waiting a bit before taking my prn medication if it’s “just” mania, because it feels so damn good (especially after having been depressed for godonlyknows how long).
  5. My command hallucinations have been in other voices, not my own. That said, I’ve had them come from both inside my head and outside my head. So I’ll have someone else’s voice inside my head compelling me to do something (typically suicidal/homicidal or non-lethal SH), possibly with visuals to boot, OR inanimate objects telling me to do something in their own voices. The objects have been real objects so far, not visual hallucinations. The singular defining feature of these command hallucinations has been that I feel very strongly compelled to perform the command. It can take a lot of strength not to act on them, especially when they’re suicidal or instructing you to harm yourself in a very significant way. But for the intervention of friends on some occasions, I very likely would have succumbed. That’s just my experience. YMMV. I would definitely mention this to pdoc, even if you think you’re safe from acting on them. At the very least, you might learn something about them, even if you can’t stop them from happening.
  6. Thanks. It helps just knowing I’m not alone in struggling with this. I mean, sure, I knew others have this issue, but it helps to hear someone discuss it. How would you describe the “pre-buy feeling?”
  7. If only! It certainly would be nice. Alas, I think the same thing that gives you all that energy is what causes the crazy.
  8. This is an issue for me as well. I used to be fine when I was always having to go out and see/meet people for work, etc. But now, being at home almost all the time, I find that it’s easy to avoid the shower. Similarly, I have trouble with housecleaning since I almost never have anyone over these days. It’s gotten so bad now that it seems like an insurmountable task. As for solutions, I don’t really have any, other than to somehow alter the things that led to this situation in the first place, which seems unlikely to happen. Beyond that, maybe making a schedule that you adhere to? I’m thinking of trying it. Set an alarm and get up like you have to go in for work, and schedule a shower for sometime within the first 30-40 minutes of getting up. Be dressed and ready to “commute” to work within another 15-20 minutes. The problem, of course, will be actually doing it when you know you really don’t have to. In any case, it’s just a thought.
  9. I’ve used Abilify before, but not Rexulti. I don’t recall having more issues on it.
  10. Depakote is the only med that I’ve been on throughout all the spending sprees in recent years. What meds were you thinking of?
  11. I get them even when I’m not manic. I get them when mixed, and now, it seems, even when I’m depressed, too. Do you get them outside of mania? I also have OCD, so perhaps that can cause spending sprees as well? I’ll have to ask pdoc. In any case, they’ve really done a number on me over the years. I sit here wondering how I could possibly have spent that much money. I mean, I have some things to show for it, but also a lot of money seems unaccounted for. And some things are just ridiculous, like the amount of books I buy, with no space to put them (fortunately several hundred are on Kindle, or it would be even worse). I also bought nearly $1500 in seeds that I can’t possibly ever use, and spent way too much on gifts for friends. And don’t even get me started on my food delivery spending! Also factoring in are ridiculous amounts of soaps and sex toys, not to mention electronics and software that I don’t even use. It’s killing me, and my future. Does anyone know how to cope with this?
  12. My pdoc said there was an interaction, because I asked about adding Lamictal to Depakote a while back. I’ve been on 500 mg am + 1000 mg pm Depakote for 4 years now, and it’s a good anti-manic (although I still get mixed about once per year). I was hoping to add lamictal for its depression-fighting abilities, as ADs have been very disappointing for me. But it turned out there was an interaction with at least the Depakote, and maybe another one of my meds, too, and so, while it could be done, there was some risk, and I would have to have frequent blood tests. So I decided against it.
  13. My cat. She’ll be 16 in a few days, so I worry what will happen when she passes. But I also have the hope that I’ll find a combo of meds that gets rid of my symptoms again. But mostly just the fact that the alternative is less appealing to me at this point. I’ve definitely been in places where I’ve felt it’s the other way around...many times. Just not right now.
  14. I am pretty sure that I’ve basically been having mild mixed episodes the past few years. I’ve had hellacious ones in the past, and these are mild in comparison. I get mostly manic symptoms, but with agitation and depression added in. Just not nearly as severe as my ‘normal’ mixed episodes. My meds keep things from going too wonky on me these days, but these milder episodes turn up from time time anyway. Since depression and mania both come in various strengths and flavors, I don’t see why mixed episodes can’t too.
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