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Becca

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    that raving slut who keeps the till

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    Little Beruit, OR

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  1. what a fucking cool name for a town and in oregon

  2. pantheral, I hope none of my post comes out abrasive or offensive or anything. I really need to shower and sleep, because I have to get up at asscrack am, but your posts struck such a chord with me that I can't just leave it and hope I remember to post on this thread tomorrow night. Although I'm not familiar with the particulars of your situation, I was in an abusive "relationship" for 2 years (that played out over my springer threads, if you ever want some empathy reading). The man was a bipolar alcoholic who was not in treatment. I loved him dearly, and in a way I still care for him very very much. But I know that we can't ever talk again. Or at least, that we can't talk for a very very long time, and that we probably will never talk again. I haven't spoken to him in a year. I wouldn't know how to contact him if I wanted to (well, that's not technically true... but I'd have to do some hoop-jumping). I do not blame the failure of the relationship all on him. It was just a fucked-up situation. We were addicted to each other... I really strongly feel the resonance with that word, because of the fact that there was always such ambivalence there. We could not stay away from each other for long after we absolutely did not like each other anymore. I still maybe even excuse or justify a lot of his behavior (he was sexually or physically aggressive with me, if not outright violent, on a couple of occasions).... okay, the fact that I even equivocate about that means that I'm definitely still covering for him. I maybe always will. It comes down to you having to make a decision. You can either stay where you are and go back to school and work towards those goals, or you can be in contact with him. I know that's harsh, but going back to the addiction metaphor... that's the way it is. If you talk to him over email, sooner or later you're going to let him call you. And sooner or later, you'll be moving back into that house and being back under his thumb. That's just the way these kinds of things work. That's just the way some relationships are. It doesn't mean there isn't love there, real, true love and affection... it just means that it doesn't fucking work, you know? But if you're not done yet, nothing I say is going to change your mind anyway, and I get that. Been there and have the (extremely long) thread to prove it. Seriously, though... it's something you have to honestly decide for yourself. Are you done yet? Do you want to risk another round? But you can't have it halfway... because you know it won't play out like that. I only have an inkling of what you must be going through, far away from home and having to deal with all of this. I empathize with you so strongly, and I just had to say something, because even though I didn't listen to a lick of it, I really valued most of the advice CB gave me when I was kind of "there." Okay, I HAVE to go shower now. Take care.
  3. Ambien definitely does that stuff. Hopefully without it in your life, you will have less stress in your relationships, and less surprise hair colors. haha. I've always had early and repeated awakenings insomnia (I can fall asleep just about any time, anywhere... I just can't stay asleep worth shit)... and I took Ambien and a handful of other things for awhile... but honestly, for me, nothing trumped good sleep hygiene. But that's probably because the problem for me is that I can't get my body relaxed enough to just sleep. At any rate... I found things like yoga, not smoking 2 hours before bed, no caffeine, etc to be immensely helpful. Unfortunately, I suck at doing those things, so right now my sleep sucks, too. You're going through such a stressful time... it's only natural that some of this stuff would pop up now. And I can only imagine that sending mean or hurtful things to your friends has bothered you a great deal... you have always been such a sweet and kind person here, LG.... and I bet your real life friends think of you the same way. Is there any way you can do less? If you're overwhelmed, that's probably contributing to your mood a ton. You're probably also not getting enough you time or doing very many nice things for yourself, which perpetuate the cycle. Not that it's that simple or anything... but you sound pretty frazzled. Maybe you need some more you time, to do some more things that are pleasurable to you? Even if they're simple like eating a piece of chocolate or taking a bath.
  4. CS and Lily in the same thread! That's a happy thing! Maybe I've been missing more than I thought, but I don't "see" you two as much as I'd like. CS, I'm glad you're still with us. I hope you really do know that it's the depression talking, and that you have all kinds of redeeming qualities. You strike me as one of the relatively few just "good" people out there. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here, but you are just incredibly kind, and that shows even over something as sterile as teh intarweb. I genuinely believe the world would lose something if you were gone. In a couple of weeks, you're going to find a good doctor and probably switch meds, right? So this is a short-term crisis. I know that doesn't feel like it matters and it's still totally overwhelming... but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, you know? If you want to keep talking, we want to keep listening. And I'm bringing vanilla ice cream to go with the apple pie. Mmmmm.
  5. DB, it sounds like you're processing this all very well. I think it's right that you look to your baby during all of this. She is the future and the next generation of life and all of that... you were your dad's daughter and she is your daughter... I'm not explaining myself, but it makes intuitive sense to me and seems "right" or "fitting." I'm glad you had that week and got to spend that time with your dad. I'm so sorry for your loss. Keep talking, and we'll keep listening.
  6. I can't say anything about anything else, really, but all things considered... I think Risperdal made my sleep worse. It definitely was sedating... but I have a problem with really restless sleep, and I think Risperdal made that kind of worse. I do not think you are a loser, at all. You're struggling... I do see that... but you keep struggling and questioning where you're at and where you're going and how to get there... which is a lot better than a lot of people. A lot of people just accept where they're at as the best it's going to get or wherever. It's good to not settle for less than you deserve. And on seven medications, feeling completely out of it, and still symptomatic... you absolutely deserve better. I think it would be worth a shot to try and whittle down the prescriptions... if only because it'll give you a better idea of what is doing what. You've kind of been switching things and adding things for awhile now, right? (If I'm remembering correctly)... so you've kind of ended up with this amalgamation of meds which are kind of doing something but more just stuck together to keep you barely stuck together. At least, that's the impression that I get. And it seems like that has ended up with you having tons of side effects and not really managing your symptoms, besides. You can probably manage your symptoms at least as well as you are now with a more streamlined med combo (maybe higher doses of certain meds or different ones or whatever)... so it would definitely be worth it to look for that. But hard to do while trying to do school, too...... I really know that you're not a loser, though. I've personally seen you being funny and thoughtful and caring and lots of other completely non-loserish qualities. p.s. I also spend a lot of time obsessing about my skin, although for me it's the size of my huge, gigantic, golf ball-sized pores. You could park a Hummer in one. Seriously. It's gross. So I sympathize there.
  7. Yeah, Loon... I think that now is not the time to even be thinking about that kind of thing. You have to rationally know that it would be an unwise move to have a child in the near future... so why even bother thinking about it now? Who knows what tomorrow will bring... any decisions made today could be outdated in the future. Things change, basically. Having a child is a life-changing, irreversible decision. You are bringing another person into existance. It's not something to be taken lightly. That said... a child won't fix you. Grad school won't fix you. Only you can fix yourself... which I think you're struggling with, maybe. There is no external thing that you can get that will make you stable or happy. Your stability and happiness have to come from within. It just seems like you're always looking for the magical outside solution... which just doesn't exist. You have to do the work.
  8. The Catcher in the Rye. This book is so integral to my existance that it is referred to only as Catcher. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I also have chunks of this one memorized. Vonnegut is probably my favorite author. and Sometimes A Great Notion by Ken Kesey. I read this book every winter because it's the best Oregon winter rainy season depresso book ever for me. It's just perfect. It looks like I have popular tastes. Some other recent favorites (those up there are the all-time 3) are A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers and White Oleander by Janet Finch. I'd read White Oleander a long time ago (back when it was the Oprah book, way before the movie, which I never saw), but I recently re-discovered it.
  9. Ditto CNS, basically. I shared an apartment with a boyfriend, and after he moved out and we broke up, you damn well bet I threw out everything that was his that I didn't want to keep for myself. It's a basic rule that you don't leave stuff you care about with exes... that anything left with an ex is basically gone. If my ex-boyfriend tracked me down online and threatened to take me to small claims court over crap I threw away years ago after he left without it... I would be pretty angry, too.
  10. I agree completely with Maddy. I know it's frustrating as hell, but it took awhile to dig this hole... it's going to take awhile to climb out. SSDI is supposed to be a way to give you a break financially so that you can focus on becoming mentally healthy. So I think that's what you should be doing right now- working closely with your doctors and trying to become vigilant with your own health. Being involved in a relationship which doesn't fulfill you does not help your mental health... in fact, it almost surely hinders it. There are active things you can do right now to have a life, the kind of life that you want to have. No, you're not going to get married and get the education and the career and the kidlets all nailed down in the next couple years... but there are smaller, preliminary steps to getting your life that way... and that's what you can work on now, with the help of your doctors. You are a great dreamer, Loon... you have a big imagination and a lot of spunk and all that good stuff... it just seems like sometimes you struggle with the details of how to actually get what you want to happen. I understand that, kind of, because I'm not very detail-oriented, either. It's helpful to have a third party (like a therapist) who you can be accountable towards and who can help you realistically move towards your goals and dreams. In some ways, your illnesses may always "rule" your life in that they may always influence your life. But you are completely capable of developing a fulfilling existance for yourself... it's just figuring out how to do that that's the problem. Or what that would even be, realistically, sometimes.
  11. Cetkat, that ranking priorities thing is an awesome idea. I write out pro and con lists a lot, and I've never thought of doing that. But if you just rank them and add up the points at the end, it's like magical mathematical decision making! I like it! I'm very indecisive, if you couldn't tell. p.s. I'm glad things turned out well, Res.
  12. I think that you should go one more time and talk to her. I think that's a very adult thing to do and something I never did because I'm an asshole and I regret it. It's really hard, though. I understand why you don't want to go back and do that. I wouldn't, either. Maybe you could bring in examples? Like, when I told you I was having problems with x, I felt like you didn't understand the degree which it inhibits my functioning. Or whatever. I mean... even if you don't see her, it's a useful thing to do to really clarify why you don't want to see her again. I know I kind of get that just general yucky stressy feeling and am basically like "fuck that situation" and I don't really examine what it is that's making me feel that way... I just do and want to get away from it. But... when you figure out exactly what's wrong, it's a lot easier to fix (duh). Therapy is really hard. I mean... we say that a lot, but it's true. It pushes your comfort zone and is sometimes unpleasant and I never wanted to go a single time. Buuut.... I haven't been in therapy in a couple years now and I can say for sure that I am still learning things from the year of therapy I had. Like, it's taken some perspective and whatever, but I look back now and go "oooh... that's what she was talking about" still. But maybe you guys are a horrible match and you need someone else. I think going back in there and clearly stating (even if you have to read it) examples of exactly what you mean and what's not working is a good move... and she can't address them in a way that satisfies you, get the fuck out of there. But I think it can bring closure and is just all around a good move. I mean, a really hard thing to do. But I do think it's a good idea. I'm sorry things are so stressy. I like to conjure up Dory from Finding Nemo in these moments. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Haha. I'm totally serious. Sometimes I say it outloud. I'm a freak. *hearts and stars and cuddles and money*
  13. Hey, Loon... I completely, COMPLETELY understand. I am 60k in student loan debt that I had absolutely no real idea about when I took it on, because I was 17 years old and didn't even have a fucking bank account. I mean, seriously. The education system in this country is fucked. My loans are in forbearance right now, and next summer I'm going to have to come up with a new plan that right now I basically cannot conceive of. I have a BA in English. I work at a dog daycare, making about a buck more than minimum wage. I want an MFA, eventually.... but my rule to myself is absolutely no more loans. These were a dumb idea, future ones are a dumb idea. I mean, a very very small loan, I might do. But anything over a couple thousand dollars, total, for the entire degree, is out. I already done spent my education budget for a lifetime. I wish you luck, seriously. Just kind of try and keep yourself grounded about this and the sheer amount of work it's going to be.
  14. I agree with you in a lot of ways, Loon. If you want to try grad school again, I absolutely think that you should apply some day. School is easier than work for me, too (although I am not discounting the fact that grad school is certainly hellish) and I think that's fair. But I don't think you should let yourself take out any more loans. You already failed to pay back one set- it's not really fair to borrow more money knowing there's a good chance you couldn't pay that money back, either. It's a worthy dream and if it is what you really want, I think that you should work towards it. But there are a lot of barriers and I expect it's something that will take a lot of time and roundabout work towards, as well. Every day you spend working towards getting mentally healthy is a day spent working towards grad school, albeit indirectly. So if there's a loan library, go there... start reading, get informed. But it's not realistic for you to expect to go back to school any time in the very near future. It's not something that you can't do... it's just something that's going to require some long, hard work to do.
  15. Yeah, you can send a message without being a friend. I think that may be your best bet. I can understand why he wouldn't just "friend" you right away. Because then you can see whatever friends-only stuff he has and your on his list or whatever, and since you haven't talked, he can't be sure that you're not just friending him to continue the problems between the families.... he can't be sure that you come in peace, basically. Usually if I friend someone who I haven't talked to in awhile, I send them a little message... just to make sure they know who I am and say hi or whatever. Also, you won't get a response in your inbox saying that they accepted, I don't think. The only way to tell is to go look at your friends and see if he's on it.
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