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About Tempestia

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  1. I'm not sure if it's depression or just lack of energy. I want to go back to bed almost 1-2 hours after waking up. It's not the heat. I might need to drink more water. I might ask pdoc to add some AD to "lift" me a little. Being out of balance sucks ass
  2. Every time I go see pdoc she asks me a series of questions "are you paranoid, how's your concentration, how's your motivation, how's your sleep, how's your energy..." Lately I have no motivation... like zip. I get little bursts of it and do as much as I can but geez... it's hard to get it up sometimes yannow? Other than tons of caffeine what do you do? 150 of Lamictal and 12 of Seroquel... the rest is in my sig. I just feel like I'm missing life and it's sad
  3. chocolate chocolate chocolate...give me some and noooobody gets hurt

  4. I woke up this morning to dozens...not thousands of little black Argentine ants crawling all over my kitchen counter next to my husbands coffeemaker. LITTLE black ants. Not jungle ants or fire ants. They're BLACK not red. If they were red, or bigger - I would have to move out. Seriously. So my hubby trails behind me rubbing his eyes and sees me spraying Windex on em. He turns right around and goes back to bed, for like a half hour. THEN my "checking" starts. We have a smallish house - 1 story so it doesn't take long to check my house. All the floor boards, the ceiling (I know...but they come in through the ceiling, little bastards) all the walls, the floors. Takes me about 1/2 hour to 2 hours depending on my level of anxiety. I have to do self talk the whole time "there's nothing there, just MOVE THE FUCK ON" or "you don't have to spray so much" The other day there was ONE ant near a hair brush and I freaked out. Now I started tapping my hairbrushes and everything else I pick up to knock the ants off of the item. Of course there's nothing there but I do it anyway. My hubby finally gets up and it's taking me everything I have in me not to go check some more. I pulled up my hair and the little hairs feels like bugs. Fucking A. And to top it all off, it's another 2 hours before he leaves for work so I can't really do an in depth checking and spraying until he leaves - it drives him crazy and makes me feel ashamed. It's really a fucked up situation. I was at a friends house the other day and as soon as I saw ants in HER house I looked for signs from her to leave...she yawned a few times and I told her I should get going... it was probably a good time anyway. I wear glasses but I can spot a tiny teensy black ant 20 feet away. I'm hyper all over it. It's crazy. I feel like I have to spray the house and go buy more spray before hubby gets home. My daughter is coming today, haven't seen her since... I think once since Thanksgiving and now I'm pissed because she's going to interfere with my checking and spraying. I need to call my tdoc. This sucks thanks for letting me share ,tempestia
  5. protein shakes with fruit realllly help cub my hunger yay

  6. My hubby loves to watch sports and the roar of the crowd, the constant bullshit (see how it irritates me? lol) chatter of the sports announcers...all drive me to insanity. If I'm mixed he's learned to turn the volume down. It's just the two of us so I will find like meditation music...a light white noise and put my headphones in and listen to it. It's MY music and MY noise so I am okay with it. Then when the music is over, I just leave the earphones in my ears. Noise while I'm asleep...oh hell no (does a Valley girl neck roll and wags her fingers) I have neighbors that wake me up with their bumping a bass on a song and I have fantasies of shooting their windows out. when it's bad though, I just stay home and play migraine pain...works every time... normies do not get it and I'm tired of explaining it if you know what I mean... Hope this helps
  7. haha I know this is going to sound crazy (like...am I REALLY afraid of that...HERE? of all places? LOL) so I'm back to my regular self - just normal But when I posted this I couldn't answer to your posts right away. It's crazy... because I was afraid I would spew more negativity. bug, I did tell my friend what I needed and she kept hard nosing me and I finally just acquiesced to her... hard to trust someone after I.Just.fucking.told.you.what.I.need.and.you're.still.not.fucking.listening................and you're totally right about "black and white" with bp. ugh! I won't call her again unless I'm in a good space. She wasn't helpful at all. I have a feeling that she read one too many psychology book and thought it would be helpful and when she did it came off egotistical and condescending. Jack...what is "bright sider" I have never heard of that and thank you for your post ... makes perfect sense to me and Gizmo, I found it helpful to just pull back a bit from everyone... as long as it doesn't go on for days and I get with someone I trust and share it... I'm okay with that. I just wanted to acknowledge that you guys took the time to post response...that means tons to me when I'm in this frame of mind...err...but I'm coming out of it!!
  8. I had a horrid horrid mixed episode last month and was scared to get up out of my chair for fear of doing something rash. It was too early for my Seroquel and I just sat and blogged here, wrote about it somewhere (maybe on the BP board?) and clicked on www.stumbleupon.com for hours on end. I know it sounds crazy but that's what I did. I took my Seroquel early and called it a night. Nothing but nothing "helped" - it was pretty much watching the clock and staying busy online. I could still feel it welling inside me rolling around but the next day it was better and I think by day 3 it was gone. I'm scared of being drugged up so I won't take Zyprexa or Risperdol or anything heavy like that... well, not yet anyway. Talk to your pdoc tomorrow - can't hurt to ask - esp if the klonopin isn't helping. Mixed episodes are horrid...just awful. Hang in there - hope you feel better soon Tempestia
  9. I feel like I'm stuck in a quagmire of negativity. I have a friend that is constantly (lately) telling me "I'm sorry you are having such a bad day, I hope you feel better soon" - it's like she got it out of some self help book and is saying it by rote...or maybe she talked to someone and they told her to say it to me. The last time I talked to her I told her I needed a friend and to just LISTEN, not to "fix" me or "should" me or any of that... but what she says is making me pull away from her. I am always accentuating the negative, I'm sure I sound like a constant victim, I'm complaining a lot and when I am quiet... in my head I'm thinking negative things. My tdoc is out sick so I don't have that to fall back on like I normally do...my sponsor is going through some shit of her own and isn't available really... so I lean on my friends. The two that I have been leaning on - one always makes her issues bigger than mine and that feels invalidating and the other is saying "I hope you feel better soon" and in such a slightly condescending "I'm above feeling like this" manner. My paranoia is up a lot because I think people are talking about how sick I am or how negative I am. (which could be true?) I don't know if it's the bipolar acting up or if I'm just a negative person... sometimes I'm not negative but lately I have been. For those of you with bipolar (and esp bipolar 1) do you find yourself more negative than usual when you're in a depression or what? I don't have the motivation to really change but I'm more and more aware of how I'm pulling away from people (I'm isolating a lot more than usual...like it's bad) and how my thinking is more paranoid. I am just assuming it's the bipolar because that's what makes sense to me. Thanks Tempestia
  10. is a negative nelly and don't quite know what to do with it

  11. Olgaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Missed you while I was out wandering around...saw some people with casts and wondered how you were doing.

  12. damn....tons of new people while I was away eh?

  13. tired of the dentist already

  14. trip just got changed to Las Vegas... why am I not surprised?

  15. Wow I must be blind because I didn't see the borderline in your tag til I went back... sorry about that. If there's no bipolar then I have to retract part of what I said, most of what I experienced and responded to your op was because for whatever reason, I thought you had bipolar disorder. Getting to meetings?
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