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sirocco

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About sirocco

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  1. I'm not really sure where this goes, feel free to move or delete. - I feel stupid writing it. Just lately I keep feeling like I am making stuff happen just by the thoughts I have. - Not like making things move by looking at them or whatever...but bigger scheme things. eg: I feel semi responsible for the death of a relative because many years ago I told them they would die of cancer. Obviously I didnt kill them, they got sick...but did my words somehow have an impact? A friend's house got robbed the other day, and the day before I was thinking about it happening (there was nothing to provoke this)...this is especially weird because 3 of the things that were stolen we had had explicit conversations about in the past week, and all involved me somehow (eg: I was going to be given one of the items etc)...So another part of me is paranoid that these 3 things never actually existed and that the robbery was made up as an excuse and that really my friend is plotting something against me (another stupid issue I have) I knew a friend was going to have a car accident 2 days before it happened....or at least I was thinking about it happening, and then 2 days later it did. A few times I have known what is going to happen in meeting or appointment. -Not stuff that would be expected to happen. Like I said, I know this sounds dumb. But the more it happens, the more it worries me. - To the point I try not to think at all in case I make other bad stuff happen. What does it mean? How do I make it stop?
  2. OK, so there are many issues at the moment. Recurrance of SI, possible recurrance of "hallucinations", downward slide into depression again. But the one I cant make sense of is what my tdoc asked of me in our last session. I cant help but feel manipulated by her and that bugs me. So I showed her a list of goals I set for myself (pre 'relapse') telling her that theyre just a waste now. Now it doesnt matter what the goals are, but some of them had completion dates. One, which involved a baby I know, needed to be completed by the babys birthday this year. Now Im in the middle of saying how none of my goals are worth it and maybe theyll happen or maybe not etc etc...when she comes out with a statement of "would you please do this one for me if I told you it was the same day I lost my baby?" How is that fair? What do I say to that? All I did was nod and feel uncomfortabale coz i didnt know what to say. I just dont understand. I mean I know she wont hold me to it, seriously, what's the go?
  3. I don't get it. I've been pretty even keeled of late, and trying really hard to get on with things in a positive way. Then today I was given some good news which suprised me in a big way, and even though I was happy at first, I quickly went down hill in a major way. I now just feel numb and hoping a heavy object drops on me quickly. It's like the off switch just got flicked, everything is gone. I dont understand it. How and why can that happen? Is it a coincidence or was it really the good news that triggered this? And my tdoc cancelled again yesterday. - Thats now 3 sessions since december. Why is it always the days I have appointments that she's "sick"? I want to send her a message so she knows Im feeling crap, but I know I cant do that. At the same time I want to yell at her for not being there And now Im having strong thoughts that I should drop out of uni (which hasnt even started yet), and also quit my job (which ive only been in a week)...im just setting myself up for failure with all these things. Why dont I learn?
  4. Heyyy sirocco!! how are things goin?

  5. Stopping by to say hello... : )

  6. Not really sure what that means...but I didnt have the experience of what my neuro is calling 'seizures'....Im not sure, maybe Im making it all up, its the only thing that makes sense thanks
  7. Yes , my neuro *suggested* that was his thoughts...seizures causing me to smell a certian smell. I am not convinced he is right though, it just seems like a good answer to someone's problem....In either case, I dont 'feel' the same way when I see things as when i smell things, and certainly not when I was walking and spinning etc. Not really sure, probably nothing I should be worried about, just a little confronting when this type of thing has not happened before...Its only a couple months til pdoc appt, so should be Ok til then. Thanks May
  8. Meds: Just 20mg prozac History: major depression, thoughts of suicide etc, anxiety of no distinct cause Never had meds before, still waiting to see pdoc for first time....does that help? Thanks
  9. I don't know where this best fits, or if it fits anywhere really...It's possible it should just be a blog entry, but anyways... Weird stuff is going on, and I dont know if it's MI related, non-MI related, med related, made up, nothing or normal. Ive been on low dose AD meds for a month now. After the initial side effects, I think after a while I could see a glimmer of some improvement (and if nothing else, it worked well to help PMS stuff...which is nice). I started to think more rationally and feel a bit 'lighter'. But then I started what I can only describe as 'seeing things'....not like people and having a chat to them, but just silly stuff. A giant cockroach on a roof, a car that apparently blinked at me and then the driver triedto disguise the car, a feeling that the moon was going to fall on me (though it actualy a street light), puffs of smoke coming from the front of my car, thinking I could see through a different part of my eye (not pupil)...etc. The thing is that I know this stuff is silly, but I really genuinely think this stuff, momentarily. When I reflect back on each time it is hard to work out if it really happened or if I imagined it that way or if Im just looking too much into little stuff...Like mybe, it was just a trick of light or something. Anyawy, after talking to some people in chat I decided to mention the above to tdoc. Bad move really. She mentioned 'psychotic', but in the same breath said I didn't 'look' psychotic to her. Ive never really considered that kind stuff before...Anyways, she wnts to try to get my initial pdoc appt moved closer, but not sure how successful that will be. I guess it could be a med thing since I recently started meds. However, before I started the meds there were a couple instances where I swore I could see a man sitting on a fence, and some other stuff...I passed it off then as nothing. Mayb it wasnt? How can you tell? So then yesterday I feel I lost teh plot totally. I drove into town, parked the car (at night) and took an hours walk across town in a semi daze/fog. At different points I was walking in the middle of the road, though I was aware of that I dont think I necessarily *meant* to do it...I know i walked directly at an oncoming car and in my head I was daring it to hit me, but I did move. Then I sat outside a building for a while (did I mention it was night?) and later ended up inside the police station. No I didnt get arrested, I just went there for no real reason. I went inside, hung around a bit, then went and sat outside teh station for hours, again for noreason. Later on I got up and started walking on the bricks (like making th pattern with my feet) which turned into spinning, faster and faster until I nearly fell through th window with diziness but instead just landed on the ground. I think I did this a few times. Again, I knew I was doing it, I knew it was stupid, and yet I couldnt stop, I was totally uninhibited (which is not like me), and reflecting on it now, I should be relly embarassed (and thankful the police didnt come ask what I was doing). As quickly as I came, I left and went home...still slightly dazed but interacting with things. Left in state of utter confusion. Sorry for essay, just appreciate ideas. Am I truly stuffed in the head, a hypochondriac...or normal 9oor something else)?
  10. Hi again!

  11. Hi sirocco. Thinking of you...

  12. If you are not living when youre alive, then maybe it's better not to be alive. To be dead or to become dead vs making yourself dead...herein lies the problem. We mostly do not want to be responsible for hurting those left behind (whether few or many) and yet, we will not be here for it really to make any difference to us. I suppose if we are that concerned about those that will remain, possibly there is still enough left to keep fighting for. Another question to ask is would those people show the same consideration for you? Would they prolong their suffering to prevent your suffering? Would they keep breathing in and out, keep on waking up, just to spare you pain? Maybe they would, or not...how can you really ever tell? At what point did it actually become about them and not you? We are all going to die. There is no other alternative. To choose to die or not to choose...it will happen eventually. Today, my wish is that I close my eyes and to never have them open. But should my eyes open, then maybe tomorrow my thoughts will be different. Maybe something will make it all better. Today that seems unlikely, but we cling to the smallest pieces of hope that we can find...until there are no pieces left...
  13. I have not been diagnosed with any type of seizure disorder. However, been having strange neuro symptoms of late, including smelling something that is not there (I dont think), uncontrollable twitching/movement of leg and arm (on one side only), going into weird 'dazes' where I can tell what's going on, but cant interract properly with my surrounds. I have to have further tests, but neurologist seems to think some sort of seizure disorder...background only question: In one of the many naps I had today I had a dream which was normal at first but ended up with me having what I would assume to be some kind of seizure (bigger than symptoms mentioned above). In the dream I was talking and midway through what I was saying I lost control of my speech, felt my whole body kind of tense up and become 'useless' and I saw/felt myself fall down onto the ground...that's it. I woke up with a start and I just had this feeling that maybe some version of what I dreamed about actually happened while I was asleep...is that a stupid thing to think based on what I have described? Probably is stupid, and just an overactive imagination, but thought I'd ask. Thanks
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