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Zimmie

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About Zimmie

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    so pretty in my uniform of anti-lookalike

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    Woman

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  1. I recently found out – through a public forum – that a friend of mine attempted suicide sometime last year. He dropped the mention really casually ("I did this stuff last year, blah blah oh and tried to kill myself blah"), and I really started to reevaluate our friendship, because I think of us as being fairly close and having a mutually supportive relationship when it comes to mental health things (we lived together for a while this summer, I've been helping him get out of an abusive household and onto meds for bipolar, he listens and gives advice when I'm having issues). Turns out he didn't let anyone know because he felt ashamed. Anyway, it's coming up on the one-year anniversary of my last and most serious suicide attempt, and I just passed the five year anniversary of another. So this stuff has been on my mind a lot – I've been having sort-of vague suicidal thoughts for several months and they're creeping around the edges of my mind, things like "You're never going to get better, you should just do it already." And I WANT to be able to be there for him and talk to him about this and let him know that it's okay, it's nothing to be ashamed about, and encourage him to talk about it, at least to his treaters. I just know that if we get into that I'm going to end up being even more triggered – but I don't want to let him know that, because that feels like putting the blame on him. But it's still making me think about our friendship differently. And just in general I feel conflicted and don't know how to balance taking care of my friend with taking care of myself.
  2. There are really only four people I interact with on Facebook – an old friend who's moved away, a former teacher, and my siblings (the ones away at college). For all of these it's because it's the most convenient way to find the most out about them. I hate putting information about myself out there, though. Don't do statuses or anything. And I don't like to read the home page, because that just tells me what ~totally awesome~ lives everyone else my age is having, and how they have what I want, and that hurts. The high school and college friends I remain in contact with I keep in touch with on AIM mostly.
  3. Thank you so much to everyone who replied. You've helped me calm down and gain perspective a lot. :3 To the people who asked about pdocs – I have one, though due to my health care SUCKING I can only see her every month and a half or so. I do have an appointment coming up in the beginning of next month, however, and we have already been discussing upping Lamictal, so hopefully that will get a handle on the hypomanic thing.
  4. That is not overstim. Like Exl said, it sounds like the onset of psychosis. Please try to get through to your pdoc ASAP about this.
  5. If you think you can hang on over the weekend it might be worth it. Like it was said above, they'll probably be operating on a skeleton crew, and I've found that being in even at minor holidays (eg Valentine's Day two years in a row) can make one feel very... lonely and at a remove from the world in a bad way. THAT SAID, if you feel you are in danger, a skeleton crew is better than no crew at all. I think ultimately that's your call, though.
  6. I should preface with saying that this is not an official diagnosis. If this is inappropriate for me to post, feel free to kick my ass for it. (: The more I read about bipolar disorder online, the more I'm convinced I have it. The first time I was in a psych ward they diagnosed me with it, and I thought they were totally off base. I had never, and still have never, experienced a manic episode. However, since then I've read about bipolar II, and began to recognize some of my experiences as hypomania. Then, this evening, I read the thread about mixed states and went "Yes, that's exactly what happens to me." Quite often before proper meds – it actually describes almost my entire experience on Prozac – and occasionally still. And this scares me. Part of this is a lot of stigma passed down from my mother, who seems to view it as a horrible thing that makes people dangerous – when I was looking at outpatient programs she would say things like "Oh, you don't want to go there, there are people with schizophrenia and bipolar there." So I know that's irrational, but it still bugs me. But even more is the fact that bipolar means the rest of my life. At least with depression there was the possibility that I would get better sometime – okay, it's been going on for five years, but still, possible. But bipolar means nope, meds and probably therapy forever. And I know that part of my problem with this is just stigma, but... I still have the problem, you know? The main thing that's stopped me from freaking out is that the mother of one of my good friends is bipolar, and has been stable and well medicated for just about all twenty years of my friend's life. So I know things can turn out okay. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had similar experiences, and if they had any advice. Or should I just STFU until I see a psychiatrist?
  7. The bad news is that, yeah, this is a serious problem. The good news is that you've realized it, on some level, and are reaching out for help. I implore you, reach out IRL too. The people above are right – therapy is a good idea. Going into it doesn't mean going into it for the rest of your life, just until you get things righted. If you're afraid of your family's reaction, I understand, but they may react better than you think. At least try, for your own sake. You're not some special kind of messed up. There is no "type" who do this, only people in distress. But it is a problem. Get a handle on it before it starts to take you over.
  8. And the only food she had was bread and morphine Ah, but he fed on the shiver in her eyes Devonside – Richard Thompson
  9. I have a lot of internalized stigma about medication, NGL. I spent a lot of time being told that medication is only for people with ~real problems~, people who are really fucked up and are incapable of getting better on their own (and this incapability is a failing of theirs). And so I feel really guilty about it because I feel like I should be able to go at this alone, and I'm taking help I don't really need. But then I go "Fuck it, I tried to kill myself – multiple times – I have hypomanic episodes, I hallucinate – I NEED THIS MEDICATION." But I'd be lying if I said I didn't go 'round in circles.
  10. They fade. I don't know that they go away. The superficial ones on my forearms still show when I get a tan. My shoulders, legs – a mess. I have the marks of a really obvious suicide attempt on my arms, but those have gone from red to pink, so there's hope.
  11. I took the JavaScript one. "You scored 30.833 out of 100 masculine points, 74.167 out of 100 feminine points, and 52.5 out of 100 androgynous (neutral) points." Well, I'm a self-identified female and that test wouldn't change it. But I think as said above it shouldn't be taken as telling whether the taker is m/f/other, just which traits they show most strongly. I was also wondering whether, um, how to say this, having mental health problems might skew it? By which I mean I was really reluctant to assign any complimentary adjectives like "individualistic" to myself. I spent a while thinking "Well, I'd like to think I am.... but I'm probably not.... but I'm not really like any one else...." Or maybe that's just how high I score on "indecisive."
  12. I've taken shape like an angel falls from grace – lucky sevens in my soul will still shine.

  13. Zimmie

    Browser games

    Does anyone around here play browser games? They've been the kind of video game I've stuck with the best. I used to play Shartak and Urban Dead pretty seriously – went for a period without internet and never picked them up – and still play a bit of Kingdom of Loathing. Right now, though, I am obsessed with Echo Bazaar. It's one thing I look forward to consistently.
  14. Exercise in of itself, especially the kind in a gym, doesn't do it for me. Taking a walk in the sunlight and fresh air – especially now that it's brisk you – makes me feel more energetic, if not better, though.
  15. I wonder about surgery too – I have 34DD/DDD (depending on the company) boobs and have always hated them. The only other person in my family who has the whoa-my-god-huge breasts is my aunt, who had a reduction a few years ago and said that she felt good about them for the first time since she was twelve (she's in her fifties). I have no sensation anyway. Of course I know all the love your body/your boobs are perfect as they are rhetoric. It's just one thing to agree with it and another to believe it when it comes to your self.
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