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About jadegreendiva

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    MI Person

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    Crappy California
  1. First let me preface this with a short explanation regarding my cutting history. I've cut twice, both in alcohol induced fits that have left me with noticeable scars (one that is in the shape of an H on my inner thigh, one tiny one on my arm) So I'm not really sure if I belong here or not, I'm not sure if I fit into this group but I am starting to wonder if my "hobby" is becoming a painful obsession. I currently have four tattoos. Not a lot. But I've gotten two in less than a year. And plan on redo-ing an old one next month, and getting a new one in April. People have different pain tolerances, so tattoos may or may not hurt them, so I may just sound like I wuss. I'm a pretty "straight laced" person. None of my tattoos are visible unless I bend over and my back is showing or I am in a bathing suit or short dress. I totally hide them at work (I work at a K-3 school) and don't really talk too much about them. But they are becoming my addiction. The last one I got was pretty painful. The healing process took a long time, it was gross, it felt like a bad sunburn, and I said I wouldn't do it again. Now I'm planning my next two with eager anticipation (well, I have to get the old one fixed because it's pretty ragged looking compared to my two new ones, I've found a really great tattoo artist and he does very detailed work.) Am I making too much of this? Or am I becoming addicted to the pain of getting tattoos? I do tell my close friends that when I get a tattoo it's because I've lost someone or something. And the last two have been "dedicated" to the same person. I think I'm just a whinner...
  2. Please move if needed. I am looking for a reliable shopping addiction resource, either online or IRL. When I did a Google search, all I got was, "Are you a shopoholic? BUY this book!" LOL... If anyone out there has any experience with a credible resource, I would really appreciate it. I need to find something without the help of my friends, family, or PDOC, because I can't emotionally deal with anymore lectures about my irresponibility. Jade
  3. Latin Girl, Wow, you summed up exactly how I feel when I go shopping. It is such a high when you find something that looks cute or something fun. ARGH. I know it's going to be difficult for me to give up on the shopping, but unless I want to live here until age 40, I have to stop! Jade
  4. Thanks everyone for all of your responses. I think I am starting to understand that I am going to get myself in serious trouble, if I haven't already, through my "habits". I also realize I need to get my pdoc/tdoc situation straight. Now this may sound like a silly question, and a little off topic, but how should I go about finding a new pdoc? I'm not sure if I'm ready to just leave my old/current one, he's actually not as bad as I make him out to be... he's just slightly out there and I am not fully comfortable revealing all of my inner-most secrets to a wacky man (or any man). I guess I should just go to him and be honest, tell him about the shopping shit and the mania. I guess the problem is that I like the mania, it's so much better than being depressed. Even if there is no shopping involved. I gave my mom all my credit cards and asked her to just keep them and not ask why. She took them and is hiding them somewhere. She called me a shopoholic with problems (real nice), I basically ignored her. Of course, I learned from the best. She's a totally unmedicated bipolar bitch. I'll never admit to her what's really going on. Jade
  5. A.M., I hope just admitting it is a first step. A small step. I'm not 100% sure why I've created this situation. A lot of insecurity and obvious unhappiness. A lack of willingness to "feel" anything - i.e. I've found this way that I don't have to feel depressed, and I like it (even though it is totally self destructive). I don't have a tdoc, well, it's a long story, but because my pdoc insists on trying to be both. And he doesn't do a great job at it. Whenever I've mentioned going to someone for therapy, he's freaked out (well, not literally) and acts pouty. Lily... I am totally honest while on CB. And with about two of my friends IRL. And I suppose by honest, you also mean forthcoming. I know I play a LOT of control games. And I know I need to stop. I guess now I'll just try to take it one little step at a time. And I guess I could start by being forthcoming with my shitty pdoc... Jade
  6. Umm... I'm manic and I know it. I lie to my pdoc about it so he'll keep me on antidepressants (that's probably another post... but for now I won't go there). One of the more pressing results of my mania is my spending. It's out of control. I spend money, well, like it's water. I don't even think about it. Sometimes I do. But mostly I don't. And when someone pisses me off, my spending is out of control. For those 2 people who know me, my mom and I have joint accounts. So she knows how much I spend. Whenever she says "Don't use X,Y,Z credit card", I do. Just to fuck with her. I know that she'll pay it because she doesn't want to ruin her credit. Last night, she got pissed because she found out I spent $300 on art supplies (SFW? I have a job now...) and she was like "You have to pay it!" I guess I need to start saving money for, well, my future and to move out of this hellhole (I live with my parents and it sucks). But I have a HUGE problem with self-control. I don't get depressed much, I just go shopping. Not good behavior, but I guess I don't know what to do as an alternative... Any words? You can go off on me and tell me I'm irresponsible. I know it. I'm lucky I'm not out on the fucking street with nothing. I guess I'm just wondering how I can authentically get some help. BTW, my pdoc kind of sucks, I don't really trust him, and I don't have a tdoc. Jade
  7. Thanks for the helpful hints! My first day has been pushed back to Thursday (I don't need the training going on Monday-Wednesday), so I am still a little apprehensive. But you all helped me feel MUCH better. Loon, let us know how your new job goes! Jade
  8. On Monday, I will be going back to work full-time after basically a two-year absence (I had a job for a week last September, then I bailed.) Does anyone have any strategies or helpful hints that will help me re-enter the full-time workforce successfully? BTW, I have been working part-time, but it's been a job where I don't have to think at all... this job involves major writing, reading, analyzing, and using the skills I've learned in my Master's program. Thanks, Jade
  9. I agree. Both sides do like the challenge. I'm chasing after someone who hasn't wanted me romantically for 4 years! And somewhere in my mind I think he's the boring and sane choice for me. Yeah, right!
  10. I'm (clearly) not a guy, But I can contribute something. I've found that guys love me when I'm batshit crazy. When I'm sane, I'm boring as hell. I don't know why the good guys only want me when I'm sitting at the bar, pounding shots, smoking cloves, looking like a devil in a green dress... but they do. When I'm plain Jade, all I get are the wild ones, the boys with a past. The current object of my affection dumped me, I think, because he tamed me. He knew I was wild when we first started dating. I told him about my wicked ways. Hell, I had attacked him in his car one night while he was in between his girlfriend (like they broke up then got back together - I got with him in between - so not physically - I'm not that much of a freak!) But when I ended up turning into a good ole' sweet, clean, virgin-like girl, he couldn't say "See Ya" fast enough. So I don't know why. I just think you may be on to something. J
  11. When depressed, I'll go two or three days without bathing. But I also don't leave the house. Or my room for that matter. I may not even get out of bed. I think you get the idea. I am usually in a really bad place when I don't bathe. I know that I smell and I hate it. Just part of the depressive crapola cycle. Jade
  12. I'm a former teacher, also have worked in the business world, and I just got a job as a tutor for a pretty good sum of money (if I worked full time, I'd make more than I would teaching - but this does include summers). Look at tutoring centers that are interesting in hiring part-time to full-time tutors, especially those who are interested in state-certificated teachers (not sure about your certifications). I haven't officially started yet, but I'm excited to get myself out of the retail world (actually, I'll still be working that job as well) and into something that relates to my education. Good luck! Jade
  13. Loon... I have gotten reactions from "Get the fuck outta here!" (Literally)... to "No, ya don't say? I just thought those highs and lows were normal from all women" (Total sarcasm from a, yes, we hate them, but I love him, Drug Exec.) I've had men encourage me to stop taking my meds. I have a guy make sure I was taking my meds. I had a guy ditch me after I ended up in the looney bin because he disappeared for 48 hours and I was already on the edge (well, considering my whole family blamed him, I would ditch too), then come back when he "understood" the nature of the disease. Jade
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