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Blue Morpho

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About Blue Morpho

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    Mad Scientist

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    United States
  • Interests
    Blogging about anxiety disorders. Healing from my own anxiety, depression, PTSD, and all the rest. Connecting with others to learn and share. Trying to have fun if at all possible.
  1. Some things happen in their own time. Some people feel they need to push through talking about the tough things, while others do not. I don't know how to make that decision, but my tdoc told me I don't have to talk about everything in order to heal it. It was a huge relief for me. I talked about what I was comfortable with, and the other stuff I just didn't. Some of it has come up in therapy since, some has not. I'm doing a lot better than I was. It is good to remember that we are always in the process of healing. It isn't only when we talk that we heal. We also heal by being good to ourselves, eating well, sleeping, laughing with friends, anything that lets us live life. We are healing when we are doing nothing at all. I know that talking about some of my trauma has helped me. I also know that not pushing it helped me, too. I hope you can find the balance that you need, and work through what you have to in your own time.
  2. I'm constantly tapping my feet or jiggling my arms or legs. I usually don't know I'm doing it. It doesn't really bother me, and in my case is probably an ADD sort of thing. Drives my spouse a little nuts at times, but overall it's one of the more harmless coping techniques for me.
  3. I'm going to mention what happened in Aurora today, it might be a trigger issue for some, so don't read further if that's the case. Not sure exactly what to say or how I feel. I'm just sad, scared, and upset. Of course. I'm glad none of my friends in CO were in the area, it is bad enough as it is. I hate the feeling of powerlessness, of helplessness that comes along with tragedy like this. Trauma. Best I could do was put together just a little $$ for a donation. I sent it to the Aurora Mental Health Center, since they're the ones with the local lines open for people to call if they need help dealing. Seemed appropriate. Last, I guess I'm just so disgusted with people using this to forward their individual agendas. Already. No time to honor or grieve the loss, they are already on their various pulpits, blaming who or whatever. It's not right. Not yet. Um. Right. Thanks. Rattled.
  4. Restless legs are the worst. My celexa actually helps a little with them, which is great. It's worse for me when I exercise even five hours before bedtime. I have to do any walking or stretching earlier in the day. But if I do stretch regularly, like yoga, it helps after a couple of weeks. I make sure to get regular physicals and take my vitamins, too, so that (as noted in previous post) something like an iron deficiency is not a contributing factor. Sometimes a hot shower helps, sometimes not. Sometimes massaging my legs helps, sometimes not.
  5. I also only take my Ativan for emergencies. When I need it I want it to work, so I don't want to develop a tolerance. Plus I don't really like the way it makes me feel, anyway. This is also my perspective. When I add therapy and other coping strategies to my med regimen, it makes my meds more effective. I work to include meditation, yoga, exercise, good food, and sometimes even sleep into my life as much as possible. I also use stuff like fish oil pills and make sure I keep up w the vitamins the gdoc told me to take, like my B and D stuff. I go to talk therapy and have worked on things like biofeedback. I think it helps take some of the load of the work off of the meds, so they work better.
  6. I would find that really scary and freaky. Like most of my obsessions related to things like bugs, I'd try to get a handle on what it was I really feared. I'm not a doctor or anything, this is just what I'd do for myself to try to calm down. I'd go find out a bit more about lice and see if I needed to be alarmed. In almost all cases in the US, lice are gross but not harmful, and there are straightforward ways to find and get rid of them. If I haven't seen any, and no one is reporting itching, then I'd try to just focus on normal areas of hygiene. Keeping towels, bedding and clothes washed and dried on hot once a week. I wouldn't let myself wash stuff more often without actual signs of something, because that might be me enabling my OCDs. I also might allow myself to check my own hair, and children's hair, once a week with a lice comb, just to be sure. But I'd try hard to stop after a few weeks with no sign. That's sort of how I do it. I set the best rational boundaries I can, make a plan for dealing, and then try to stick to it. It is hard, and I never really know if I'm doing the right thing. But at least having a plan makes me feel a little more in control. It also lets me know when I'm doing things only because of OCD, and not because I have a rational reason. When I'm too freaked out to make a plan, I'll ask a friend, my tdoc or gdoc for help. They can help me figure out what is a reasonable response, and then I try to follow that plan. Do you have something like Ativan for emergencies? Sometimes I need a little extra help when I am truly freaked out. Also, 20mg may be too low. You could ask your pdoc about that. I'm on 40 right now, but am not a small person. Forget that, you are on Lexapro. I'm on Celexa. Sorry. I can only say I know how you feel. I went camping recently and on the way back found a deer tick in the car. I'm still not sure how to deal with risk of Lyme disease. I checked everything, washed everything, found nothing. Just have to try to keep moving on.
  7. Just read through all the responses. It's such a tough question to grapple with, but at least for me, I think confronting this issue is a good idea. I do not like to allow myself to grieve. I can't stand the sensation of loss, so I repress loss and grief mercilessly. I know it would be a good idea to put down what I've lost to MI, and honor that grief. Here are a few things, not too different from others ... - I did not get to be a child. I was scared every moment that additional abuse would come my way. Adapting to that meant never really letting go. I was in my mid 20's before I realized that I'd never really had fun. I hadn't played enough. - I did not have parents. There were ostensibly two people there, and they did give me a home and enough resources to survive. But with my parents both having untreated MIs (esp my Mom) and addictions (esp my Dad) they were not really parents. (And now, having fully estranged them, I certainly don't have parents. But that's been a improvement.) - I missed out on having a good sense of self. Other people don't hate themselves, and I do. - I missed out on more social events than I can count. Weddings, parties, casual gatherings, everything. So much. - I lost about five years of my life. It wasn't all at once - it was about 3.5 years during one episode and then another 1.5 in another. During that time I did almost nothing at all. Completely wasted time. Five years, poof, gone. I was so depressed that except for the pain I hardly even remember them at all. - I missed out on a normal sex life. I always dissociate during sex. Every single time after all these years. A real pain. - I lost friends. I lost other family because there is an abuser over there and I refuse to encounter that person. - I lost the career track I worked so hard to build. It isn't impossible that I might get it back someday, but the loss stings. I feel compelled, however, to mention what I didn't miss. I don't want to shortchange the need to grieve over those losses, but I've managed to do some of the things that were really, really important to me. I found a great spouse, and we've been married for almost 14 years. We work really hard on our relationship and it pays off. I got my BS and then my PhD in the subject I really wanted. I can't work in that field right now because of the MIs, but I do have the formal background to do it. I've been able to do a lot of writing, and it's been very rewarding and fun. I've gone on a lot of business trips to amazing places. I have a small number of very good friends who are supportive when I need it. And like so many others who responded to this question, I've been able to develop empathy and a deeper understanding for suffering than most of my peers. It isn't the life I had in mind, but it is a life, and having one was a question for a long time. Whew. That was tough.
  8. Um, actually it makes me angry. I remember being lied to a lot about doctor/hospital related things, both by parents and by doctors/nurses. Hope you can find a way, like Wooster said "to make sense of or integrate this memory." Rough.
  9. This is perfect. Yep. Seems to be taking a lot of time, but things are getting more manageable.
  10. I completely understand the need for neatness and order. I simply think and feel better when my environment is tidy. That said, I do not de-clutter too much, because of what my Mom used to do. She'd go into our bedrooms and simply throw away anything she'd be tired of looking at. I'd come home from school and things would simply be gone - clothes, dolls, books, whatever. I now know that was part of her abuse strategy, so I am very, very careful to make sure I'm not sort of sub-consciously punishing myself whenever I want to throw things out. It is weird now to know that things are mine, and I really can keep them if I want to. Also - I married the lord of chaos. Entropy follows him. He makes messes like a hobby or something. So part of my unexpected therapy is dealing with my husband, and his right to be a pack rat. There are areas he can make messes, and places he can't. Places I can de-clutter and places I can't. Never thought I could live this way, but its good for me. Helps fight that OCD need in me to make sure everything is always lined up and in its place.
  11. I do two kinds of meditation, mindfulness and zen. I try to meditate for at least 10 min a day, twenty is really better for me. More important for me is just doing it every day, even if just for five minutes. I start by doing Zen, which is just sitting. Thinking about nothing. Which is impossible. Your mind shoves something in and you gently put it aside. And then it does it again, and you don't notice at first as it goes on and on, and then when you notice you gently put it aside. Over and over. I am a beginner, but even so, I can see how the number of inserted thoughts per minute has gone down. I sometimes notice seconds at a time when I haven't really thought of anything. And then that's a thought and I have to put it gently aside Sometimes Zen just does not happen. I might be too upset, or be in too much pain. The thoughts will not be set aside, and demand attention. When that happens, I focus gently on the issue at hand. I do not judge it, avoid it, wallow in it, or whatever. I just watch it. Describe it. Like pain. Is it moving? More like stinging or itching? Is it in the skin or inside? How big is it? Or mental pain and anxiety. Okay, I'm afraid of checking my email. It feels like my chest is tight and I can't breathe. I'm afraid when I check there will be bad news. Okay, that feels like pain in my head. In my throat. On and on. If I get lucky, I can finally bring my mind back to just breathing, and watch that. In and out. Count breaths in and out. Then that might lead me back to Zen. Meditation has allowed me to be better about being mindful in daily life. Just like practicing anything else. It helps with emotional balance, for me, anyway. I get less anxious, and I judge myself less. My thoughts are just my thoughts. I try not to seize onto them or run from them. Meditation takes the sting out of things. It has helped a little with flashbacks, since I can take a little 'time out', breathe, and remember what it feels like to be grounded. For me, meditation is also spiritual. It makes me feel closer to, um, 'God'. I don't use that word, but I don't want to be misunderstood. I haven't noticed that I'm more joyful, compassionate or filled with lovingkindness. The person I took my meditation classes from said it comes to people at different times and in different ways. And to just be patient, not force anything. Just sit. Um. Okay. Hope that's useful.
  12. I love blogging.

  13. It sounds like some of my dissociative events, too. You don't need to be embarrassed, although I know I still am sometimes. As soon as I realize I've 'gone away' I say "Um, I just missed that, please repeat." Does not surprise me it happens in a session. I find my sessions to be pretty threatening sometimes, and that's exactly the sort of thing that will cause me to float away mentally. So yes, I do sometimes zone out at the tdoc. Tell them about it and how you felt so they know it happens. Afraid I don't know anything about Mood Disorder NOS. Hope you get some relief soon
  14. Oh that is really really rough. No sage advice other than to say that things do change. This might be a part of your healing process that just needs to be lived through. I hope it gets better very soon. Like others, I end up hanging out in bathroom stalls. I hadn't known about that scent-strategy. I'm going to try that one.
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