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debster

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About debster

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  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    B.C, Canada in my house, or under a log.
  • Interests
    I love Knitting and crocheting.
    My cats Murr, Shee,and my new siamese Ginn.
    Motorcycling(as a passanger), biking, fishing, and camping. Really prefer river fishing, though. Gardening, flowers mostly.
    My girls and their friends.
    I'm mostly an introvert. I like to be by myself. But I also work well with others, when I force myself out there.
    I just feel it sucks to be me! I have no reason to feel this way!
    I love my daughters, they are the greatest! But I worry about them a lot. Life is not easy, is it?
    I'm a married lady of 20 some years to a wonderful man; My best friend.
  1. Thanks melissaw72 I'm not feeling better today or it is at least its intermittent with some hope. I did see a doctor and he said okay to some questions about my lorazapam like I was told that if I take too many a week it would give me worse anxiety by my family doctor. Of coarse I was considering drinking a few swallows of alcohol instead of the lorazapam. But this doctor I saw just yesterday said it wouldn't cause more anxiety, but I can become more resistant to that dose and need to go up. I have some medical coverage for a Pdoc and also asked about whom he would suggest I see. I also need to phone the company to see how many times they will pay for me go to a Pdoc. I feel better just talking to you...thanks and I am just going to ramble some more
  2. Back again and loosing my mind! I just had the most horrible, and intense suicidal thoughts! I am breathing deeply and I read someone else suicide attempt.....Ah, some of this got deleted...forget it....If life is a bunch of shit and some happiness and shit over and over how do I cope! I'm up on my Cipralex to 20mg it definitely doesn't feel any better going up. I hate feeling that intense cant stand myself anymore! Cant stand my thoughts, my life, my body, my house, my job and I am suffocating! I want to take a few swallows of alcohol take pills anything to stop the intensity of my horrible thoughts! Then I type in I want to kill myself in the google search bar and I read someone else's thoughts of suicide and I came out of it; mostly. I am still fighting it. I cant believe I was so somewhere else! Not thinking straight doesn't even describe it! Like I am someone else. Possessed, or in a nightmare where death is the only answer! But I am awake now still breathing...deeply. I will go for a walk and maybe I will get rid of my headache I just got. It is odd that while I was in the nightmare I couldn't even remember this place; crazyboards. I have been down but that was very scary. I will probably go see a Doctor tomorrow. I dont feel much will happen but I think I will have to give it a try....scarring myself...may just not think about it now and keep breathing.
  3. I don't know where to put random ranting, so like whatever... I haven't been here on crazyboards for a very long time, maybe 4 years and here I am again. I am on cipralex and welburtrin. My doctor just made me go up on my cipralex from 10mg to 20mg. I was pretty stable and was even believing I was healed in a sense with my med.'s. Then at work a new Boss takes over and my depression and anxiety spikes! I just don't want to do this anymore! I have no motivation. And I was thinking if I could just talk on here maybe I could get a hold of myself. I felt pretty well this morning but as the day continues I just want to die. I don't particularly have a method yet, and I have enough sense to go see a doctor if I did. But it is so hard to keep going. My youngest just texted me! She has given me a bunch of things to do! Like go for a coffee and write in my journal. Or go buy a movie that just came out on dvd. Or stop by her work. It surprises me to no end how my mind can't come up with this stuff on my own. Like I'm in the woods and there is only one path; it goes around and around. Can't find anyway off it. Well, I guess this is it for now I shall get up and go. Thanks for letting me talk!
  4. Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Loads of support, Thank you!
  5. It has been a long time since I have been on here. I went off my meds for two-ish years and I thought I was "coping". Then my husband got physically disabled and life just seemed really bad. So bad I had a plan to kill myself. The day I was so horrible I could only manage to write my husband a note.....leave and I will kill myself. So he stayed with me, as did my daughters. I got help and got better. I quit my horrible job for a full-time less stressful, with more benefits; production job. And essentially my husband and I switched positions. He is now the househusband. I work. After just 6 months I am getting use to so much change. I see things more clearly on my medication. I still get scared, frustrated, and anxious, but I am able to push myself into that discomfort and deal with it. Later I feel better about it. If it was bad I can forget it. I just wanted to set the record straight, and be counted as one of the people helped by taking Medication. I am finally okay with it myself!
  6. Thank you hensley258. I feel relief that you agree, and you are stating the samething my daughter says. I guess it feels better to say I have some kinda brain damage. Ya, I feel better using that statement; brain damage, oddly enough. I am 43 this year and I do hope your wrong and they do finally figure the brain out before I'm dead and dust! I don't want my Grandchildren to have this illness; if and when that happens! Hey, once I'm on the mend I'm sure I will be positive that it will be figured out! Until then, I guess it's medication time. Thanks again, hensley258! debster
  7. Here we go again! I am 90% sure I am going to go back on antidepression medication. Why? Well, I have been off these med.'s for a year and a half. I went off after two years, 'cause I was getting fat. It was causing health issues for me, and honestly at times it made me feel ugly, but I could handle it. Second reason was my oldest daughter was angry at me 'cause I could always find the sunny side of things! She was finding things tough! Maybe I should say a third was, 'cause things where steady and I was hoping I was capable of thinking positive on my own! Life happens, every single day it comes whether I want it of not! I wish it would all stop. I do everything to fill my pot with good stuff, but it is leaking faster than I can fill it! Now, my oldest daughter was just resently diagnosted with depression and GAD, and finally just now is feeling balanced! This was why she was finding me too happy, as she was suffering the same illness! It took so long to find out this about her, why does it the person have to be suisidal before Doctors put one on medication! Anyway, thankfully she is like the little girl I once knew! Which makes me stongly believe she had it so very young! Last I remember her being this chaty and happy was when she was three! I always remember wanting to not exist. In kindergarten I remember praying to God to take me back, while walking to and from school! My daughter is a biology major and so is looking into this mental illness stuff and she seems to believe we may have an actual missing or deformed part of our brain. As we seem to have this illness in childhood. Why do people/some doctors think we can just read a book or take notes on our feelings and it makes us all better. Why do I believe it? Why can't I believe I have a brain difficiancy that requires medication to help me work properly! That vitamins, exersize and eating better can't help! I am probably not in my right mind as we speak, of course! I shall go in to see my doctor and proceed to go and stay on medication for ever! I keep telling myself that my illness is no different than my husbands diabetes! His pacrease is failing and taking pills to squeese out the last of his insulin. Why not take a pill to squeeze out my seritonine to make me balanced! Why is there such a difference when there shouldn't be any difference! debster
  8. Just hold on Peacefulzen. Something is out there for you, something better! You just can't see it yet. Find that speck of hope in your darkness, and just breath! It will all be okay! hugs; debster
  9. What an appropriate name you have; isthisit. Love it. Sort of reminds me of the movie; 'As Good As It Gets', with Jack Nicholson. Love the movie actually. Sure I look back and I got through a lot of stuff when I thought I never would. I do have a little gleem of light trying to get me to take notice. A gleem of hope, but the negative is, at this moment, so thick! The thing that is getting to me now is I'm so very very angry! I had a rage this morning over something I normaly wouldn't have even cared about. I had another one this evening over eggs! It is so embarrasing to know I am acting so irrational, but I'm enveloped in it at the time. As I think about it now, it feels like it is the only way to get all that worry out! Instead of hysteria, or going comatose, it comes out as rage. It's got to come out someway. Anyway, ya I know I need to breath, get over the disapointment of life, jump one hurdle at a time, but I'm don't think I am ready to let it go. I want to grieve, kick and scream even though it is to my own odvious self injury. And how do I stop? I don't know yet. Maybe I will start with breathing
  10. My husband and myself do not have an RV or any exstravigants. We still have a morgage on the house, and a daughter in University. It is mostly losing dreams for better times and better house and trips. We have been so very careful to live within our means, and now there is no getting farther ahead. Stuck. And what about all those family members that charge trips, cars, bigger better houses. Why where we so safe? Ending up with nothing. I wonder whether we did it the right way now. I'm sorry you are going through tough times also Jasmine. Thanks for the vote of confidence. hugs deb
  11. Two of my favorate things Cats and Daughters!

  12. Well, here I am again. It has been a long time since I have been here, or it feels like it. My anxiety is spiking, 'cause my husband is going on disability. I made plans for my future that was keeping me just above board, and now it is like a sink-hole has taken the dreams all away! Now, I find I just hate life, and wish to.....A) crawl into bed and never get up, or....B)Just stop existing. I've been off all my med's for almost two years with the odd day of clonazapan. The only thing getting to me down where the worries of my 20 and 22 year old daughters. So, now I am wondering whether to go back on anti-depression pills or should I wait to see if things get better? Possibly, my husband could get on is Work insurance disability, money would be less, I would have to change my dreams a bit, but I could deal with it. If he doesn't it mean major money loss, like barely enough to survive! Which freaks me out! Make goals, they say! What do you do when they are yanked out from under you! My husband is suffering from Chronic Pain induced depression. Now, we are both spiking eachothers anxiety and depression! Sell everything and live in a cave. That is what I feel like doing, or at the very least an RV! Does anyone else feel like this? Thanks for letting me ramble. deb
  13. Ya, I know that finding my youngest a job is crazy, and it completely triggers me into extream anxiety! I know it is her responsibility! I've been suggesting she move to a bigger city where there is more opportunity, but she is not sure about it. Do I push her out or do I let her come to the conclusion herself. I'm thinking the latter. I don't know what to say, 'cause I know you are right! Thank you for your honesty gizmo!!! Let me just state what comes out of my confused mind....why the vacation for the kids?....When I was young I got nothing. I thing basically the clothes restrictions for school where the same as you. One pair of cheap shoes for the year. But basically my parents who where divorced did nothing to make my life easier or happy. My Mom was all about her being happy and having nice things. The house got renovated, she golfed, bowled, ate out at expencive restaurants. If I needed her and God forbid it interfer with her golfing time. So, I divorced my Mom and adopted my parenting skills by a step Aunt and a good nieghbour. Both women went back to work to help pay for there kids University, and it turned out pretty good for their kids. I definately believe my Mom didn't want me or my sisters, but played it up around people. Anyway, I did want my girls, and I don't ever want to be like my Mom. I'm sure I am overcompisation for my lack of loving parents, but I'm not making this from a box I'm making it from scratch! And my girls don't expect me to pay for the vacation, but I think they deserve it. They actually save up money themselves. After the girls witnessed my devistation of having my vacation blown out of the water both girls where very consoling. Like I said I didn't even think it bothered me till I couldn't go. The girls and my husband now know. I guess I like to hide my unhappiness also. I'd like to think I can find other things to make me feel fullfilled that doesn't cost a lot, and I am going to work on that. Thank you so much!!! Scatty, Thank you for your thoughts also. I'm actually feeling much better since I've read these replies. I just figure I am being completely selfish and then I am supported; that is so nice!!! Thank you
  14. 's popping Ativan pills

  15. I've been reading and reading here, but I'm not feeling any better. My plan to find another job went practically nowhere. Now, I have my resume started, but need just to finish it off; to find people to be my personal references. Yet, I don't want them to know I am looking for a new job just incase I chicken-out! Part of me thinks I can just make due at my present job, but then I get a bit excited to do something else. I'm being completely indecisive! My youngest is out of college, but has not found a job yet. For some reason I feel that its my responciblity to find her a job. Maybe I am the cause of her own lack of gumption. This situation make me very anxious. Then money or lack of money is freaking me out! ALL my money is going to my oldest daughters Dorm room at Univercity. Yet Really she is worth it, as she works at horrible full-time jobs in the summer and manages to pay for tuition and books herself. I'm proud to help. To be perfectly honest I am in a Rut! My house is old and needs serious updates. I can't even remember the last time I went on a vacation. I make sure my daughters have a vacation every year. They go for four days at an anime evolution. I pay for their rooms and give them spending money/food money. I'm feeling old too! I'm 42. Feeling taken for granted. I think all my plans to for my future are upside down and may never even happen, another reason I'm down. Some plans I where to go camping and fishing, but our camper has seriously deteriorated; thats out now. Then we had planned to get motorcycling again, but we need a garage to repair it in as it has been sitting in a shed for 15 years or more. That seems to be out also. I just feel like my lifes in a freeze zone. I feel like I am going to loose my mind if I have to live like this forever! Yet, I want to go live in a cave and never come out either! I am a walking contradiction! Confused! Misserable! What set off this episode? Well, My husband was going to take me on a mini vacation to Vancouver and I was going to pay for the room. Then my husband just said we don't have the money,,jada, jada, jada. Well, I guess I really wanted to go and I didn't even realise it! I just was looking forward so much to just spending time with him alone in an exciting place! I broke down and even had to have a tamtrum to get it through his think skull that I really wanted to go!!!But we still didn't go. He took me out for a nice dinner and it was nice, but it was then that I realised I was in a Rut. I feel like crying. It hurts so much to feel like I'm living a shadow of myself. Yet, I am to blame for my lack of gumption. I'm feeling negative about my kids, my house, my job, my cats, everything I am usually content to inlove with. I know this is not a good thing either! Running away is sounding great, or accidental death. Not suiside, though! I think I am going to go hiking or weed the garden and see what that does for me. Amyways, I've ranted agian. I'm saying the truth, but even to me I sound like I'm a bad person. I'm hoping this is just a short mental episodel bleep. Cause I really don't want to go back on antidepressants. You wonderful people are my only therapy, and you guys always amaze me. Take Care; deb
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