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TheActress

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About TheActress

  • Rank
    Chat-Tastic

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  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    The Blue Dot on Red Texas

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  1. I've never been before... I've felt like I should go a few times before but never knew if I should or not, so I just never did. I haven't been to work or school in two weeks. My boyfriend knows something is going on with me, but he doesn't know what to do either I don't know.. I'm not suicidal and I'm not going to hurt anyone. I just can't... do life? I'm not functioning whatsoever. I want to get back on my meds and I WANT some therapy to figure out what is going on with me right now. I've tried to push myself to "just deal with it" to the point where I am in serious crisis mode. Feels like I just want a safe place for a little while to get back on my meds and have a therapist help me get my head back on straight without. I can't keep doing this. I'm sorry there isn't much info there... I can't make my brain put words really. I'll try to update later with more info.
  2. I often ruminate when depressed. It seems like one thought just gets ahold of you and the rest come tumbling after. I know I've spent days in my room in the dark just contemplating and not even known it. I've actually had times where I thought hard about how people know how to do socially normal things like that! The simple answer doesn't ever seem so simple. An instance where my grandmother got upset when I didn't say "I've missed you too" in response to "I missed you" got me thinking about stuff like that. Anyway... but yes, you're not alone!
  3. They probably just look at you like idiots... "Well... the bipolar type duh." or "You know what I mean" ugh.
  4. That is one of my BIGGEST PET PEEVES! I want to have a small notecard with the DSM criteria on it to hand out to everyone I hear use 'Bipolar' in the incorrect way. Not just because they're downplaying the illness and its severity, but because the way people use it make it seem so commonplace that if you get up the guts to tell someone you're bipolar its "no big deal" or they think you just have rapid nonsensical mood swings (NO! I do that part because I'm Borderline). Ugh. Sorry. /EndRant
  5. I am bipolar. (I am Borderline, etc.). Those are things that have an effect on my daily life and do influence my personality and the way I behave, therefore they are things that I am. They aren't my identity, just pieces of my larger puzzle. I have other illnesses that are going to be life long struggles, but they don't particularly have an impact on my daily life or my personality or behavior or anything at all really, those I say I HAVE. (ex. I have herpes. I have hypoglycemia. etc.)
  6. Using the computer might work... I'd probably lose the note if I wrote it. HA! I forget halfway through things what I was doing... like I remembered I was supposed to set up a show for an artist for march (finally, I've remembered about 7 times and never followed through) and finally called the promoter that does the show, and ended up having a whole conversation but forgetting all together that I was supposed to be scheduling a show. Its pretty ridiculous. What language is your signature written it?
  7. That's not really a possibility at the moment, I don't have a stable place to stay (Long story, sometimes I'm at his place, sometimes I'm at the place I "live" but don't feel welcome.) I could make a "travel" self soothe kit though now that I think about it! Thank you for the inspiration. That might be a helpful thing to have with me. Any other suggestions are very welcome as well.
  8. So... I have to know. Am I the ONLY one that consistently forgets what they've told people they'll get done? I'm not a bad person, or a liar, I just genuinely forget that I've promised to do things! This gets really really frustrating when it comes to trying to network and foster business relationships. Those are people who don't know me and who I'm somewhat obligated to impress. My friends just expect it to happen by now, which is a bit disheartening. I will fully plan to do things, and then my mind just wanders off. UGHH! Anybody else??
  9. Thank you honey. I'm doing much better today. Hope you're doing well yourself.
  10. Thank you to everybody for their responses. Titania- Yes, I'm very worried that the lashing out will be bad for our relationship. I'm doing my best to get back into therapy, but with all that my father is putting me through with this insurance its very hard, I'm pretty much surviving off of my learned DBT skills from 2 rounds of DBT and worksheets from dbtselfhelp.com until I can get it straightened out. TRYP!- Love, I've missed you! I'm not sure but I think you're on to something with the emotional flashbacks... it feels a bit like when I was younger. Its kind of a twisted "I'm upset, but I want you to pay attention to me, but if you pay attention to me I'm going to lash out at you; so really there's no way either of us can win in this situation" type thing. I don't know. It is really confusing to me and once it gets rolling it doesn't stop for a good 20 minutes. Coma- Its so lovely to know that I'm not the only person who's done this, it made me feel quite nuts. I feel.... I don't know. I feel upset, and uncomfortable. I feel like I'm not completely in control of my limbs. Yes a bit like I'm wound up, and the most nothing thing can trigger it, but as I said above to Tryp, its like... I appreciate him comforting me, but when he does I lash out. It's really weird and reminds me of my childhood, when people tried to help me and no matter what they did they felt like they got screwed in the deal. I think its a mix of me slipping into a not-so-good state and when I'm in that state I've found a way to get a lot of attention and now its become a behavior I'm going to have to break somehow. (Not completely, its also a lot of pent up rage and extra emotional baggage from the relationship before this one)... does that make sense? Ladybug- If it was that easy to "stop the little psycho drama" then my life would have been a lot easier for years now. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to maybe work through these, or worksheets to do after they happen? I can't seem to find the right DBT worksheet or skills... I don't really have the capacity to use skills during these little freak outs... any suggestions would be much appreciated.
  11. Preface: I've been unmedicated and out of therapy for a year now because my prick of a father fucked off my insurance etc, I'm trying to get back in to see pdoc and tdoc, but the end. I've been actually surprisingly stable with a few crazy blips. Lately, I've taken to throwing tantrums. My boyfriend will randomly trigger something (I don't know how), and I will hide under the blanket. He proceeds to get me out, and a tantrum ensues. There is an epic battle for the covers and/or pillows that hide my face. I punch and/or swing and/or claw and/or bite at him. I use no words, just gutteral animal/childlike noises to express my discontent and anger. I feel like an idiot. I know this is BPD related and not BP1 related because it is situational. Has this shit happened to anyone else, because its really embarrassing. He's very understanding of my crazy shit, but he shouldn't have to deal with a grown ass woman throwing a temper tantrum over (from what I can tell) absolutely nothing. Or over anything at all for that matter. I have tried to assess these situations after they happen but I just can't fucking figure them out. Terrible twos suck balls. P.S. I missed you guys.
  12. I'm in a shitty fucking mood, and everything is annoying. I'm cramping so bad that I feel like demons are throwing a party in my uterus. And he is snoring. REALLY FUCKING LOUD. In my ear. And doing that thing where he's fucking sleepy, but he won't admit he's sleepy so he keeps saying he's gonna do stuff and then falling asleep. I really would like to strangle him. I just had to get that out there before I punched him in the forehead. P.S. Hello again CrazyBoards
  13. Thanks Tryp, you've always been phenomenal. I wish I knew what could help. I'm feeling pretty hopeless at the moment... and ashamed of the SI I just did an hour or so ago.... people at work are going to stare tomorrow.
  14. Thanks tryp, I appreciate it... its a lot of stuff going on.... kajillion triggers. I just... I don't know where I went wrong but I keep doing it to feel better and I don't even feel better..... I don't know. Its a lot to PM, when/if I feel like I can write it out all at once I'll PM you. Thanks so much honey.
  15. I don't think I've ever really met anyone except other BPDers who can understand the true meaning of what I'm saying when I tell you I'm hurting on the inside.... when something is upsetting [[whether you know what specifically is upsetting or not]] and you just feel that gut wrenching pain that makes you tense your muscles and grit your teeth..... The pain isn't real but it feels real enough. It just isn't fair that we have the ability to feel this level of emotional pain over stupid things. Nobody should be this physically affected by emotions. Its not fair, but life isn't fair. I feel like whatever this thing is its going to burn and rip its way through my chest. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I just want it to stop.
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