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raincloud

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About raincloud

  • Rank
    Raindrops keep fallin' on my head.

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    My cat, TV, video games, crossword puzzles, logic puzzles, board games, rats, criminology.
  1. My therapist suggested that I say something like "I have some health issues" and if someone asks further questions just say "I don't really feel like discussing it." I haven't yet tried that, though. I have mentioned that I had pneumonia for ten months and then I developed lung damage blah blah blah. That was concurrent with my breakdown. It's true, but my asthma is under control at the moment.
  2. I think I should call my doctor. I came close to fainting today while I was exercising. I wasn't exercising all that hard or long, but things started getting blurry and my heart was racing. I really thought I was going to pass out.
  3. Okay, I'm on Venlafaxine for the third time in the past few years. I had to go off of it twice because of insurance/financial issues. I never had a problem going on or off of it and I never experienced any side effects. I got Medicare, so I can afford treatment again so I just started. I'm having terrible side effects! I have had chronic tinnitus since childhood and all of a sudden it's worse. I'm sleepy and jittery at the same time. I'm exhausted and have no appetite. My brain feels weird. I've only been on it for five days. I guess what I find strange is that I did not have these issues the first two times I took it, so I figured it would be the same. I started on 75mg and after three days I bumped up to 150mg. I didn't really notice anything until I bumped up the dose. Has anyone experienced this? Does it really go away in two weeks? I'm very frustrated because it's the only antidepressant that helped me before.
  4. That happened to me with Zoloft and it stayed that way the whole time I was on it. I haven't had that issue with other anti-depressants, though, and I've been on a few.
  5. I used to get into fights with my mom when I was younger and if I ever got mad at her for any reason she would blame my depression. No, it was never that she was being unreasonable, it was always my "depression." Slightly different from your experiences, but close.
  6. Could there be thyroid disease or insulin resistance or some underlying issue? 1000 calories is way too low. I have gained weight on low-calorie diets. I gained a bunch of weight a few years ago while eating that little and I bumped up my calorie range and started exercising a bit and the weight came off. Prior to that, I gained even MORE weight but had undiagnosed thyroid disease and insulin resistance at the same time. I lost weight when I started meds but then I gained it back when I had an illness and became sedentary (and then developed bad eating habits). I've yo-yo'd a lot over the years. I'm now pretty close to where I want to be, but I eat 1300-1800 calories a day and I exercise a lot.
  7. I have AvPD as well, and I never heard of "self-deserting," but this fits with me as well. From ages 8-20-something, I had a very involved fantasy life where I made up a whole community that I lived in as another person. I was actually thinking about this recently while reading about maladaptive daydreaming because I have mostly stopped doing it. Well, I still do it, but I have different daydreams that are closer to my real life but far more often I'm just ruminating and playing things over and over in my head. I mostly just play horrible events from my life over and over and over on a loop. Life is dandy.
  8. Raincloud Do you think stress from work might have contributed to your breakdown? I also change the subject when the job topic appears. However people notice that I evade the subject. I also want to meet new people but dread the"What do you do?" question. I agree "healing after a breakdown is a full time job". I spend my time, always thinking about my health, exercising, doing breathing techniques, watching what I eat, reading MI forums, etc. Actually I feel that work used to be so much easier than recovering from a breakdown. Work stress was a big contributor. I got physically ill (pneumonia) while I was at my last job. I didn't have paid sick days and I really, truly could not work, often for weeks at a time. Then I had no income and couldn't pay rent or bills and the stress from that made me get sicker. Lots of other things happened during that time, too. It's almost comical and I worry that people will think I'm making it up because it's all so ridiculous. I ended up homeless for a year (which was another thing I had to hide from everyone). I really hate the "what do you do all day?" questions. Lately, though I've been doing some things so I do have answers. There's a local organization that has classes and events for poor people (usually mentally ill or in addiction recovery) and I go to a class every week. I play board games with a group once or twice a month. I exercise a lot and I'm improving my health. I go to therapy once a week. I bought myself a cheap point-and-shoot camera and I go for walks and take pictures. This is all recent for me though...for my first two years I did NOTHING. I watched some TV shows. I barely even read any books. I wasn't able to get treatment for my mental or physical illnesses until I hit rock bottom, and I would have died if I kept on working, so I know that I've done the right thing. It's still something I wrestle with constantly. I still feel a lot of stress in my life.
  9. I don't really have any great advice, but I'm in the same situation. I haven't worked in almost three years. My best friend and a couple of other people know what's going on, but most people don't. I lie sometimes and it makes me feel horrible. I was a writer at a big corporation at the time of my breakdown, and as recently as last week I said I had "some freelance work." I panicked and couldn't tell the truth. I made my fake project sound excruciatingly boring and I changed the subject as quickly as possible to deflect further questions. I don't recommend this tactic by any means, but until I come up with a better alternative, that's what I end up doing. I know from experience that keeping secrets is much more difficult than letting them out, but...well, tell my brain that. At least the economy sucks, so people don't think too much of it if you say you're unemployed. I have lately been making an effort to meet new people, but it's challenging because of the job thing. It's so silly, too, because people don't often blather on about work once you get past the "What do you do?" question, but I have a WHOLE LOT OF DREAD about that question to the point that I tell lies to my friends to hide my secrets. As far as not getting married or having kids, I don't see why anyone would care about asking "why", but maybe that's just me. No one ever asks me about stuff like that. You don't have to say anything beyond "I haven't found the right person." You don't owe anyone an explanation for that! Ditto for the party situation. Not everyone's a party animal. Some people leave parties early. You don't have to give advance warning. Some people will think you're lazy. I'm sure people think I'm lazy. I know that I'm not, and you know that you're not. Someone I know told me recently that healing after a breakdown is a full-time job so there's no need to feel bad. I still feel bad, but I'm trying to keep that in mind.
  10. I hate being touched in every scenario. I cringe every time anyone mentions getting a relaxing massage because that's just about the least-relaxing thing I can imagine.
  11. Thanks, guys! I was actually a writer in my former life, and I still write sometimes, I just don't do it in a professional capacity. I'll get some funny looks if I say I'm retired because I'm 32 and look much younger than that. Another good one is "freelancing" but again, too many questions. I'll just laugh it off as much as possible, I guess. I tell people I'm comfortable with....but that's not most people!
  12. I agree! And the stupid thing is....if I had a job, I certainly wouldn't sit around and talk about it. I would talk about things like you mention -- a movie I've seen or a book I've read. I'm not going to sit around and gripe about TPS reports. I am not married and have no kids, though, so it's not so easily dropped. But agreed, it's lazy and trite but it comes up constantly and I just haven't thought of a good response.
  13. To clarify, no one of one particular group of friends has any idea that I'm on disability or that I even applied. They don't know I was homeless in the real sense. They knew I was squatting in a foreclosed condo for a while. I just can't tell most people, it's hard to explain.
  14. I recently got SSDI, and I lost a lot of friends during my breakdown. I don't know how to respond to questions like "What do you do for a living?" or anything else job-related. I have told some people, but no one really understands, so I mostly just say "oh, I'm unemployed" and deflect further questions with jokes. I know that's not a good approach, but I can't get myself to do anything else. I am worried that someone might make an inappropriate joke or judgement at my expense. I can't handle it. I also worry about having to explain it over and over and over again because people never seem to understand anything. I have physical illnesses as well, and people are always "forgetting" about my problems, so I have to explain and re-explain painful things all the time. I've learned it's best to deflect things since no one will remember anything you say, anyway. I'm mostly referring to friends of mine from grad school. They all went on to get great, high-paying jobs, and I was homeless and am on disability. It's disheartening to say the least. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to broach the subject in a serious way where people won't make fun? A lot of us poke fun at each other and I don't mind most of the time, but if they made fun of me for this I would lash out.
  15. So I went to the Social Security Office because I needed a copy of my award letter. I asked them about Medicare, and they said that I'm not eligible until 2012. Now, that's what everyone's telling me, but my lawyer and my ex-case worker told me that I would get Medicare immediately because I got SSDI instead of SSI. While I'm willing to accept that they're wrong, why on earth did my Medicaid get canceled? I had my Medicaid eligibility review last September, and I then got a letter saying I was covered until September 2011. But I got approved for SSDI in late October, and then I got another letter saying I was no longer eligible for Medicaid and they cut off my service November 30. I'll never be able to take a medication again. I have physical ailments as well as mental, too, and it's REALLY BAD for me to go without all these drugs. I have asthma, thyroid disease, and insulin resistance and I'm without all of my meds. The guy at SSA told me to call DSHS, but every time I call them, they say something rude, tell me that it's not their problem and then they hang up on me! This has happened twice with two different people! I'm not even rude to them, they're just jerks.
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