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About snuggs27

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    reading, crafts, anything to keep from being bored in the hell that I have been thrown into
  1. hey ya'll, I am a victem of child abuse at age two, molestation of and on growing up by to different men, date raped, and when I was 18 years old, I moved out of mom and dads with my brand new little bundle of joy, I was still in high school and working partime, after i graduated, A stranger broke into my house and raped me,, My baby and me came out okay physically, but mentally I was a friggen mess. Since the police caught the little basterd in my bed. I was able to prosocute, witch enabled me to 20,000 dollars victame assistant money or some shit like that, not thinking to clearly at present moment, the money was for therapy and counsling. and I used it all pluss some. The rape was Oct. 1st 1995. I was released from therapy years ago. and five months ago, I started having psycogenic siezers. I know have a nuroe doc, and pshyco therapist and a pshyciatrist. about a week or two ago I ended back up in ptsd hell again. I have been fine for years. The flashbacks are back, including the tactile ones, it kill me to have my hubby touch me. Thank god he is a patient and wonderfull man. The last five months i have been homebound and by myself pretty much during the week...I am so damn depressed already, and now this. and I just know no what to do. I had my little therapy sessions on tuesday with the phsyco therapist and the phycatrist. and they both it me with the suicide questions,,,,I think aobut it but i would never do it. I would like to see my children graduate, go to collage, get married , have grandchildren and grow old with my hubby. God dammit its been ten friggen years. The two best times in my life were the six months me and my baby girl lived on our own, and the six years I have been married to my husband. And know I feel like I did back then, I feel like I am loosing it. I have a good support system and all, and my hubby and my mom are my best friends, but its so damn hard to say yeah,,,I was kinda hoping god would strike me dead today, or that I wondered what it would feel like to be dead, and I just don't know what the fuck to do......I fought long and hard to get where I was five months ago and now it feels like i have to start over again......maybe I will write more later , write know I am crying again...you would think i would be out of tears by know thanks for listening snuggs
  2. Hi ya'll I am so friggen frusterated I can't see straight, been married five years and have always had lots and lots of sex,,,great sex, multiple orgasms, ect. five month ago I started having seizer, I am on clonipen. I usually read all my info sheets and probably read this one to...I specifically ask for no sexual side effect, unless in will just dry me out, ky is my friend in my times of need. I am so frusterated that i think my overies have turned blue and my husband is frusterated cuz that has always been his main goal. And now well it just wont work. Did get THERE last week , but the kids were gone and it took like three hours of fourplay. Dammit I cant live without good sex. Well I could, but I figure that is one of the great perks of being married to my husband, he is the energizer bunny boy. Anyone got any ideas. thanks snuggs the smily is me screaming in frustration
  3. hey ya'll the springer board is probably where I should be, but it parental isues and marriage issues and the whole nine yards, we have tons and tons of issues and it suck and i don't know how to fix it. that sucks even worse,, I am like my mom , I am the backbone of this family and i don't have a clue at the moments. In my post before I talked about my son. He is sleeping a little better I think. But he misses me so much because I am home bound for medical reasons, but I cant keep him with me yet, because in wouldn't be safe for either one of us and it would scare the hell out of him,,,,he is only for. ( I have Siezers, and by the way am sick of doctors, they suck, but life goes on} We are to the point know that all he wants is his nana, and for the last five months my mom and sister have been taking care of him, mom takes him on her days of and when she works my sister wouuld take him, now sister has a job, so he is back at daycare and he just doesnt understand why, on just about the whole situation. Then we have my daughter , who i have posted about to, hopefully she is done peeling nails of, now she is just biting them, but she is stressed to becuase of me, and she is really laying it on wanting to know everything about sex, I told her the other day that she is going to drive me up the walls. She actually new more then I thought she new, wich of courrs is even worse. So I spent half the night going over with my 10 year old, and her 12 year old best freind, who would love to move in cuz her familly is not so great and we would take her in a heartbeat, she lives here most the time anyway. Other then fetishes and rough sex. they pretty know it all. did have to make a few correction, 12 year old thought oral sex was anal sex, wich my daughter started to correct becuase we have an uncle mike and aunt phillip. That and my daughter didn't understand the idea of edible underwhere, she was like that is gross mom, you wear them all day and the would be nasty befor bed with the other person,,her exact words were poop stains.....had to turn my head and bit my lip to keep form laught, so , this particualr story I will put on onohter post when I have got time. last night got into it with the hubby, in front of the kids, and I know better then to do that, I was putting jake to bed and he was upset about nana and the recent changes not to mention the stress of me being sick. I tried everything with him and I could not do it any more,,I am a LOT stressed. So I called in the hubby for some help. Son through total sceaming tantrum from hell and hubby was screaming louder then the son. We me and my mother have gone over this shit with him a million times, jake yells becuase you yelll. I don''t know what to do with him, then there is the issue of my medical problem, what the hell am I going to do if it turn out that the hubby and the son are my trigger or some shit,,,,How am I going to fix that. God I am so screwed here. I did tell hubby that if he ever pulled that shit again he was out the door and that although i don't want to live without him I can damn will do it. As it is I have rented books and took notes even posted some on the wall so that hubby could look at them everyday, didn't work the problem is how he was brought up and how I was brougt up,,,, if I said yelling earlier in this post what I really ment was sceaming loud enough the niebors probably heard him. I am not super momm and I make mistake with the children too. But then I feel bad and apologize and try not to do it again. anyway,
  4. hey ya'll they diagnosed me psudoe epilipsy, most of you know that by now. Have been off valium for a little while,,,yeah, that really helps. in the meantime my memorey is getting worse, cant remember shit, and now even when i am not seizing or whaterever i stutter like a bafoon. and i cant stop it. i will say a word and even when somone figures out that word it just keeps on going till its done with me, I am so tired, even after a good sleep that I cant see straitgh littlerly. my poor little eyeballs are jumpin all over the damn place when I do get them to stay put I can get everything inot focuse.
  5. first things firts, If I were you I would not even consider hitting a 17 year old young men. You could get hurt and in one hell of a mess. Its sounding like you are single mom. Yelling wont' help either, but you need to make sure he is a on a good path. Is it possible just to sit him down and discuss your worries and that although he is almost an adult he still has to respect you and the rules you put forth in your house. As for wanting to hit the wall or something, go by a punching bag, beanbags work to but you have to have someone hold them for you and your son is probably not the right person for that. Scream in your pillow,,,,,throw a total fucking temper tantrem. Get in you car and go out into the countr and scream you self silly, take up running, untill your so worn out the anger is gone. Thats all I really know to tell you. I am no doc, but I have two kids and was a teenager once myself. God I was hell, I don't think my mother would have survived my teen years with out someone ealse to help, at one point she was having her period every two weeks, and had a mental breakdown. Do you have family that could help you. I dread my kids growing up, about the only thing I have going for me is that I did it all, so I am hoping I will catch her quick or before she does anything stupid. If you want more advice on ways to vent I got a million of them, been down that road, couple weeks ago had hubby hold been bag so I could littlerly beat the wholy crap out of it....felt good.
  6. I have been diagnosed with psudoe eppilepsy. but they either got it wrong or i have some other stuff going on too. my question, is do the mri and cat scan and all the shit come out peach before having this test or does it show something and then they do the test.
  7. glad to hear your upbeat, ask them what they would like to do. what they are into, rent a video,,,my memory is the shits and even though i just read your message, i cant remember if it sounded like you know a lot about your boys. If not start there, sometime talking is the best solution. get to know them, let them know that you have always loved them and that you are going to do your best to be thier mom.
  8. hey ya'll day 2 no freakin valuim, woke up cuz back was killing me, trying to roll around so i can go back to sleep, not happening, at 10:02 siezers are kicking in. Start littel working on my way to hell. These docs of mine are good, and i really believe they will see me through till the end ,,,but the fuckin sucks. I am beginning to wonder if they got the damn diagnoses right, the vidoe eeg or whatever the fuck it is called i was tld that it be be done anywhere from one to 7 days, they did about two hours, and that is it, once again judged by my lousy histor from birth to about 7 god damned years ago. Will be calling docs on moms day off, it would probably take me 12 , yes 12 hours to spit out what the hell i need to say becuase now i am stuttering so bad its not even worth talking, my left side is usualy worst then my right and i am left handed, go figure, god must be feeling pretty twisted to help me out with this one. on the brighter side i can write with my right and just not as well as my left hand does and i can sign the abc's not that any body in this damn house knows there abc's so i have to go really slow till they figure in out. I swear to god that if they drag me back up for another video eeg,,,, it won't be pretty. i am a bitch when i don't get my sleep, and just like that red neck mother of mine, once i reach a certain point the wrath of julia will rain donw on you, the good side is its takes me much longer to reach that point the my damn mother, the bad news is i hit that point yesterday, and get to hold it all in till the 19th and unless mom can get it through the 8 years or more of college tiny little brains that this SUCKS and i can not do this shit till the 19, I will lose my grourds and go pshyco. Oh and i am making the pshyco therapist a cute little tissue box, each side will say something different 1. SSDD, (stephen king, dream catcher, same shit different day. 2. THIS SUCKS 3. HEARS YOUR SIGN, ( first session he asked the stupid question, what are my expectation, If i had been on stage as ron white, i would have conked by head with the microphone and said, MY FUCKING LIFE BACK, hears your sign) 4. Don't know whats going on that side feel free to give suggestions.
  9. thank you greeny, i think i needed to hear that from somone ealse besides family. my favorite color is green.
  10. hey ya'll well no valuim for julia today. siezers started in around noon and didnt; quit tell ,,well tonight. did take a nap this afternonn from being so worn out and all that good shit. finially this evening I had aaron make me a drink, cuz we are down to only a few diagnoses as everthing ealse has been ruled out. i am diagnosed with psudo epilepsy, but the drink works and my little journal for the therapist today was ,,,,,very hostile. The drink did work though so i am doing good, better then i was,,,on the stupin scale of one to ten, then being worste, i hit way over ten when i asked aaron to get me a drink, my next appt. is the 19th and i am not sure i will live that long like this, my brain will turn to jello and come running out my ears. I am going to have mom call them tuesday if i am still in purgatory and see what the hell i am supposed to do now. for the most part i was pretty nonfuntional, i pushed myself as hard as i could to do thinhsss around the house and otuside, finally gave it up and went to bed,,,,tried to finish a new julies rant,,,i do the poetry thing,,,just got back into writing, but now i cant write cuz i am a lefty and my left side is always the worst. I also developed something new today. voice tremmor or siezer i don't know what the hell to call it, but even though my body andmy head calmed down, i was stuttering and very hard to understand, this sucks,, you know that. If any of you are not offended easily, you should go out and by the ron white, they call me tator salad dvd. there is a part in there about a plain crash and he's been drinking sinccene nnoon and is like take her down, i don't want to limp away from this, you everhad one of those days,,,,,,,,,,i did today.
  11. hey ya'll, i will try to make this short , but it usually doesn't work that way, I have psudo epilepsy, at least that is whay they diagnosed me with. I am still thinking essentail tremmore. any way they want' me off the valuim witch i can take up to three a day, usually i just take one or two and not every day, but more the last month. when that doesn't tone down the siezur i go to are local bandaid station and they iv me with valuim. My new nuroe doc said no more valium, i think the purpose behing this is to get a better idea of how sever and how often they are, in the mean time i think it might kill me. its not that i need the valium, its that without it i am pretty non functional. today was my first day without it, and thank you very much, it sucked, i spent the whole friggen day siezing on a rating between 3 to over 10 and most of that was around the ten. I am not a mom now, i am just a lump in the bed or a walking earthquake. Eventually it wears me out and i go to sleep then i wake up and do it all over again. wooo wooo for me. Better yet I am pretty sure this is screwing up my kids worse then they already wore. My 10 year old who has hit puberty is very hormonal rite now and cries at the drop of a hat, either that or she is getting depressed and i can't say i blame her. before all my problems she already had a few issues, she is a skin picker,,,well sort of, she litterly removes entire toenails and fingernails sometimes. I think i finallly got her to quit but now she is biting her nails wich i can handle, and i already posted about my 4 year old son. I finally got sick of the siezing and had a drink, the good kind, wich helps if you have essential tremmors and it worked, but dr. einstien seems to be the first nuroe doc i have found that actually seems to have a functioning brain, and between him my phsyco thereapist and a phsyciatrist I don't think these guys plan on giving up on me. and they all work togather, so even if i was misdiagnosed i think they will get it right in the end. In the meantime by the time this is over I am afraid they will be severly screwed up. As it is I cancelled summer girl scouts, I'm the leader and we don't have to go though the summer but before all this we were going to. I haven't been swimming with them, or anything at all this summer,,,well we did go fishing awhile back, and we were going to do that tommarow but if tomarrow goes like today I won't be worth a damn I have lost 20 pounds since the end of febuary wich is okay, all though not the diet i would have chose. I have issues with my daughter about that to. she is a little plump, but if she will ever grow a few inches she will thin out, she is my little shorty. so we have the arguement that moms not eating why do i have to. I am not eating a lot because i have no appitite, my last visit to kc med they sent the nutristionist in, so i am trying,,,he said drink more milk and try some insure or something like it and to take vitamins. my daughter on the other hand just doesnt' want to eat because she thinks she's fat. have any of you ever seen ron white tator salad, not the blue comedy, his own dvd, in that dvd he talks about a plane loosing oil pressure or something and he says the guy next to him is freakingout and must have a lot to live for, ron onthe other hand has been drinking since noon and is like I don't give a shit, make sure you crash hard cuz i don't want to limp away from this thing......I have days like that and it sucks. thanks for listening
  12. my email is *****. I understand you completly, last night my daughter who is ten cried on my shoulder becuase she feel like grandmas house is more of a home then our house. I feel guilty, my temper is short and i am scared shitless, five months ago i started having siezers, i can't take care of my four yr old during the day and i feel like the worlds worst mother, I actually mulled it around in my head that if this continues , maybe my mother should take custody. he may be four but he is built like his daddy and ways 75 pounds. MY mom picks him up in the morning and his daddy picks him up after work he does constuction and concrete work so he is late sometimes and with the heat, he isn't in condition to be much help. i love my son be he has always been a difficult child, and as i sit here and type to you i am about to cry becuase i do love him, but i am not worth a shit right now and may not be ever again. I can't drive, can't work, cant go anywhere without another adult. I do understand you more that you could ever know. And of course I havne't spoken of this to any one untill now, i just want what is best for them , and right now i know its not me. *edit: email address removed for your safety. Please contact snuggs via PM. Erika
  13. when my daughter was four, i got married for the third time, my daughter and I didn't have any real stability the first four years of her life. I had my duaghter at eighteen , when she was nine months old a stranger broke into my appartment and raped me,, she was in bed thank god, and he is serving 7 to 10, anyway my point here is that her night terrors started after my last marraige, wich we just celebrated five years. Is it possible that there has been a change that your child is trying to cope with becuase that could be part of the problem. somtimes children don't have the ability to talk out there feelings, they may not have the words or they might just be afraid. Eventually my daughter adjusted and they stopped. But when they do happen it does rip your heart out. I would go in and hold her and rock her, didn't always wake her up. hang tough
  14. they need a little smile that say do whaaat wow, they can actually tell you the sudden unexpeted death shit. Damn that sucks. Although i didn't know the word for it, that is what i am scared of when they take all the shitty meds away that keep me functional, my heart rate will jump up over 200 again and thats with the meds, and I will cardiac arrest or someshit, in fact I have wrote one of julies rants, about dr. einstien real name osario or somthing but he looks like einstien, when i was in kc med i heard the v tac or someshit, and watch er enough to know that sucks, they had the cardiac team on the way when i came out of it, woke up saw my doc for the first time and thought i might be in heaven and einstien was there to meet me, then i realized that half the friggen hospital was in my room and i was alive. My phamily doc says i shouldn't worry I am young enough that my heart should,,,yep he said should be able to handle it. what kind of shit it that. by the way i am a comedy freek. so when i say, OH MY GOD, THEY CAN DIAGNOSE THAT, imagain that being said by jeff foxworthy okay, cuz typing sucks cuz you can't tell the tone or sarcasm or anything
  15. in my bubble world we say hell shit fuck and fire.,,,,i know very sacrilages and all that good shit. I would have freaked like you did, but my new nuroe, seventh nuroe doc in five months has pretty much left me to hang for ahwile. I cant take the valuim in an emergancy wich for me is brain turning to jello seizers from hell, I wait it out two hours and then i take the valuim, or if i have somewhere to go which is not often. they are going to cut all me meds the gabitrill and the clonopin, up the antidepresent cuz when i heard all this shit, my comment was why don't you just put a gun to my head and kill me now. I might get my zanex back and I will get to keep the amytripytline, and probably the flexerall. when this shit first started we were talking 3 to 15 minutes 20 times a day, my poor body was so damn wore out i though i would die. Now days without my valuim at home and some days a trip to the hospital for iv valuim i would be non functionl forr hours. so till the ninteeth, next app. I am screwed. so I feel for you. sorry to hear you had to get that freaked out, like we all need more stressers in our lives right now.
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