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  1. While driving. I try to avoid it. Also, during the late afternoon. Right before sunset. And again, for an hour or two late at night (the time varies)
  2. I am a hermit through and through. The MI makes it worse, which tends to sabotage most potential friendships. I'm more of a hermit lately because I've been extremely preoccupied (to an obsessive extent) with my appearance and just don't want to be seen. But I do like being alone. I like my solitary morning routine, my late-night baking-while-watching-old-movies routine, sashaying around the house in strange outfits with music playing loudly, etc etc (these things are much harder with people around--most people, anyway) Being a hermit with brief interludes of outside-world adventuring is ideal, I think.
  3. Oh, goodness. I'm sorry. I used to go through almost the same thing, for years. How do you feel while it's happening, out of curiosity? Do you feel like how you're acting is totally beyond your control during it? (I did.) I feel like sometimes when you're too tightly wound up, the tiniest triggers just launch all the feelings out in the most primitive, childish ways possible. (yelling, thrashing, tantrums etc). I don't know why. I never figured out why I did it, either. It was kind of like there was simply too much rage and bad feeling to be contained in me and so it all had to be released (in the form of rages and tantrums) on a regular basis.
  4. I most certainly do have a plan, but I don't keep supplies for it-- because in my head, part of my plan is going to get the supplies. It's all very clear and specific (even the weather) the way I've always visualized it-- driving out to get supplies, then driving out of town for a bit to a specific, out-of-the-way place (which I've never actually seen, yet it's burned into my head like a memory), and so on. A simple task to be carried out. I guess it's good I've never stockpiled supplies for just doing it spontaneously. I like routine, ritual and control, so that might be why. (That and it would be humiliating for such supplies to be found by someone)
  5. *nod nod* Mm, yeah, hallowedink, I can relate to feeling eclipsed by who others want you to be. I'm not sure if everyone who does that realizes they're doing it. Like when they only validate your feelings/some aspect of yourself if you present it in a certain way, or as a different person. I don't know. Does anyone else worry that if all of it went away (mental illness etc) and you were finally whole, your real true self-- that it would be too strange and loud or just too much in general? Or something you don't recognize? I do. All of this is especially fun and confusing when muddled with other MI! ultra-rapid cycling moods PLUS rapid-cycling identities! Thank you, brain, thank you.
  6. Did not know where to put this. I'd guess there's varying levels of severity when it comes to personality fragmentation and all of that. Is there a limit to how far away you can get? If one were to visualize your sense of self as a circle.. it could be smashed, repeatedly, with the bits floating far away from eachother, forming new kind of pseudo-personalities/identities (though not like in DID, obviously that's a different thing) I feel like I am far away from the center and can never get back. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, and my memories are all very blurry because of it. I go back and forth between the other more shaky, watered-down identities-- and so I never feel real, it feels more like a xerox copy or a warped mirror image. I am constantly shifting between them, they're like cloaks that completely envelop my perception and view of myself. It is indescribably exhausting and confusing to be constantly shifting through identities (as I'm sure many of you can relate with), that aren't necessarily drastically different fundamentally but feel totally different from one another. Each with their own obsessions and horrible qualities. Each shift feels like a hard blow, or like waking up from a bizarre and unsettling dream. A sort of vertigo. In between each phase my head is strangely quiet-- I'll be stupid and slow with the depression at its absolute blackest. Does that make any sense? I am envious of "normal" people that can look back at their life, and see some sort of fluid progression. I look back at my life and it's spotty and dark, lived by ghosts of myself, not actually me. I feel farther away than ever. Everyone needs something to tether them to the world-- some reserve within themselves or in something else that acts as an anchor to keep them from drowning. I do not have that. I don't know how to get it. Anyone have any thoughts (er, on the first paragraph)? About your own experiences. I'm sorry I'm not all that coherent.
  7. I've done this for 10 years. Picking at my lower legs. I have no idea what triggered it. I seem to do it most when I'm feeling indecisive about something-- or frustrated, or if I'm in one of my obsessive thought loops. Occasionally I'll stop doing it for a few months, but rarely. It puts me in a trance-like state.
  8. Depending on what the trigger is, I may: Get very paranoid first. Start feeling physically ill and angry. withdraw entirely, have lots of near-catatonic spells and intense suicial ideation.. Stop going outside, anxiety attacks, or just shut down totally and cut myself off from everything so I can't feel things as much.
  9. Yes. Or ECT at the very least. My memory is terribly already, and most of my life is a blur so I have nothing much to lose. I'd be willing to deal with other possible weird side effects, too. It would be better than the alternative (depressed and slowly wasting away)
  10. It's very hard to say. Mania for me has been extremely rare, so far. It is harder to tell in midst of it all, though. Regardless of the severity-- as soon as I start teetering into hypomania (even if it's veryvery short-lived--as it typically is), it feels RIGHT, like it's how I'm supposed to feel! I'll be vaguely aware that I may look or sound quite odd to people around me, but it rarely crosses my mind. Pretty sure I'm only aware when hypomanic-- except for when it's the super-agitated anxious paranoid variety-- I have more perspective then, but far less ability to stop or calm it. Sometimes I weave seamlessly between the two states, which is utterly exhausting. During my first, huge med-induced manic phase I had no perspective whatsoever, of course. Like someone else said-- I was vibrating. Everything was terribly important and intense and spectacular and I could not slow down enough to step outside of myself. My current reality was the True Reality that others simply couldn't see. ..forgot what else I was going to say.
  11. Yes, constantly (as much as possible) in part because my moods fluctuate too quickly to express in any way that makes sense, and the thought of people knowing the full extent of it is mortifying. Also it feels like I'm personally obligated to hide it in order to avoid burdening anyone or making them think I'm just a terrible, whiny person. This makes relationships of all kinds extremely difficult and draining. But my way of 'hiding' it is just detaching myself or distracting myself so it's probably noticeable.
  12. It always gets worse in the late afternoon, a bit before sunset. This horrible, sick feeling of unease sinks in. And again late at night, between 11pm and 4am. That's when the obsessive thoughts come and I think about suicide non-stop.
  13. This is embarrassing. It's nothing I've ever spoken to anyone in depth about. Sex is completely unromantic to me. I am completely unable to feel any sort of emotional closeness or romantic feelings WHILE being sexually intimate with someone. To me, sex and intimacy/love, in general, have always been on opposite sides of the spectrum. I can really like a person, and be in love with them, and feel attraction to them-- but as soon as things progress beyond kissing-- something in me snaps and I shut down emotionally. They become an alien to me and I feel like I've dissolved. This of course makes me feel a little strange, and I end up feeling really odd and disassociated by the end of it. Even if I try to stay present-- that weird feeling of disconnect is still there and it's like my mind is forcefully yanked out of myself, like I am possessed. Sometimes it's so bad that I just have to stop, roll over and lie there silent and motionless until the eerie feeling passes. Which creeps out the other person. Any idea why this happens? Am I just asexual and do not realize it? Seeing as that's when I shut down-- when things become sexual. I do not feel terribly anxious or scared or uneasy, just... sort of lost and strange in general. I can only enjoy it (somewhat) physically if I pretend I am no one and they are no one. But I can only do that if I detach myself. Which, as I mentioned, never ends well. Anyone? (NOTE: I do not have any history of sexual trauma that I can recall-- nothing beyond some uncomfortable, weird experiences when I was a teenager. I didn't have a religious upbringing/Sex-Is-Dirty-And-Shameful upbringing, either.)
  14. I see I see. I am now in a particularly bad episode. The biggest thing is I become an even bigger hermit/recluse than normal and become unable to have conversations with anyone because I just cannot remember how. Not that it has ever been intuitive anyway. The tiniest changes in my routine, caused by other people, are excruciating. And all of my body dysphoria becomes extreme. I am unnerved by the fact that I have a body attached to me and that I somehow live inside it even though it looks so horribly wrong and alien. I think of suicide constantly, not plans, but thinking of it in a detached way. In the same way one might think about a mundane event in the somewhat distant future that they're not sure if they're going to attend or not. If that makes any sense at all. I want to crawl into a hole and go to sleep. and all incoming stimuli is jumbled and feels far away. It is a bit like floating in static. everything is far away yet much too loud. Totally forgot to mention hygiene going completely out the window. (I remember there being some threads about that in the past) It's very hard to remember, anyway. But these things mess with my sense of time and my memory. It is very easy not to shower. Showering seems very exhausting. I'm amazed at how easily most most "normal" people manage to remember to do all these tiny little things, and sleep and wake at regular times.
  15. Yeah it can be harder to predict if you're already depressed by default, and there's always those *very special* episodes that are even worse than you could ever predict... Hmm reminds me, panic attacks seem to be the least predictable of them all but I suppose that's a subject for another topic.
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