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esmereldaskysurfer

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About esmereldaskysurfer

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    There's a dog loose in the woods

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  1. Never been on it before as it is a known gainer and im still trying to lose the weight i gained on Clozaril. Targeting mania, specifically, with the end goal being getting me on the high end of normal. He does not want to increase my Lithium any more because when i go higher than 900mg i start feeling dead inside and stop taking my meds.
  2. I asked my NP about starting Vraylar, and he said he is not happy with that idea and instead is starting me on low-dose Valproic Acid. Am i going to gain a fuck ton of weight like i would on Depakote?
  3. Im currently on Latuda but its making me a little on the manic side, so im thinking about asking my NP if i can switch to Vraylar. Thing is, i really dont want to gain any weight, so i was wondering if this was a thing on this drug? Also, how's the sedation on it? Thanks!
  4. I've always never identified specifically as male or female, always just wanted to be just neutral. Most of the time i dress in a neutral manner, and keep my hair short. I dont know how to proceed with this. I dont think my husband will take me seriously, my parents will probably tell me im too old for this and just i dont think all round it will be accepted. But i think my gender dysphoria has played a big part in why i have an eating disorder, because i want to be small and neutral and not look like a big fat woman. Im seeing my therapist this afternoon, and im going to bring it up with her and see what she says.
  5. I havent worked since 2008 (apart from a volunteer gig that lasted a couple months when i was manic), and while we've made it work as a single income family, it would be nice to have a bit of help financially. My NP asked me if i was on disability, and it made me think. Until earlier this year i was ineligible due to being a legal alien, but i got my citizenship in April and now im eligible. So is it worth doing? And do i do it online, or do i have to go somewhere to fill out the forms?
  6. Seems like my diagnosis is always changing, and i wondered if this was normal? <2009: Depression 2009: Bipolar 2 2010: Bipolar 1 with psychosis 2011: Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type 2015: Schizoaffective disorder, depressive type 2017: Paranoid schizophrenia 2018: Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type 2019: Bipolar 1 with psychosis Feels like i've come full circle on my diagnosis, i know different doctors have different opinions but for it to change so much? Is that a thing?
  7. During a bad mixed episode a couple years ago, i said something unforgivable to someone. Basically he said something that in my fucked up state of mind i perceived as an attack, and i went for the throat. What i said is irrelevant, suffice it to say it was on the "you just never go there" list of responses. And i went there. I have since apologized, both in public and privately, but he says i will forever be a piece of shit in his eyes for what i said. I remember someone saying to me once, that mania and mixed episodes is like armageddon. You wake up amid the crumbling ruins of every relationship in your life and wonder what the fuck happened. Although this episode was years ago, i still am viewed as a piece of shit. How do i deal with this? I have a horrible feeling i just cant, and that particular group of people will forever view me as trash for what i did to one person.
  8. Saw my shrink today, and told him the truth. I like being manic. I told him the reason i never mentioned my mood disorder before now is because doctors have a tendency to throw Lithium at me until i can barely see straight, and since i was just cycling between depressed and hypomanic i didnt see the point in talking about it. He said right then and there, that he would not drown me in Lithium, that he wanted me taking some just so i dont get too manic, but that he was quite happy to have me on a low dose so that i can still experience hypomania. This made me trust him a hell of a lot more than if he had just been like "mania bad" and increased my Lithium until i couldnt feel anything any more. This was done on the understanding that i dont go all manic and stop my Lithium, that's the deal we struck. I feel good about this, he's the first doctor (well, he's actually a NP) who has listened to what i want, and not just foisted an agenda on me.
  9. I was diagnosed Schizoaffective Bipolar again during a recent hospital stay, the reasoning being that i have been "having too many mood swings to be Schizophrenic alone". I havent been fully manic for 7 years, and they even changed my diagnosis to Paranoid Schizophrenia because they thought my manic/ depressive episodes were a misdiagnosis. But i do cycle a LOT between depressed and normal/ high end of normal (dare i say, even a little hypomanic at times). The psychiatrist at the hospital put me back on Lithium and changed my diagnosis back to SZA-B. Is it possible to go that long without being manic?
  10. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia years ago, due to intrusive thoughts. But now i wonder if i was mis-diagnosed and actually have OCD? Should i bring this up with my psychiatrist?
  11. I called him and told him what happened, and asked about Cogentin. He said he was going to offer that as an option, so that's what we're doing. I really hope it works!
  12. Clozapine didnt work for me, and i gained 60lbs, which i hated. Currently trying Loxapine which has its own problems, but i like it better than Clozapine.
  13. I really, really like Loxapine. It helps me control my weight, my psychotic symptoms etc. Everything. With one downside. If i take more than 25mg, my eyes roll back in my head and stay there until i take Benadryl. My NP likes to play it safe, is afraid of NMS, I want to just ask him if he'll write me daily Cogentin for it (as Benadryl is not a very good long term option), but i dont even know if that's a thing? Im in over my head...
  14. I gained like 60lbs on Clozaril and still had symptoms, so my shrink put me on Loxapine which he said will help reduce the carb cravings/ constant hunger. I took my first dose last night, i really hope it works out for me!
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