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About esmereldaskysurfer

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    The Fat Woman with the Magic

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  1. During a bad mixed episode a couple years ago, i said something unforgivable to someone. Basically he said something that in my fucked up state of mind i perceived as an attack, and i went for the throat. What i said is irrelevant, suffice it to say it was on the "you just never go there" list of responses. And i went there. I have since apologized, both in public and privately, but he says i will forever be a piece of shit in his eyes for what i said. I remember someone saying to me once, that mania and mixed episodes is like armageddon. You wake up amid the crumbling ruins of every relationship in your life and wonder what the fuck happened. Although this episode was years ago, i still am viewed as a piece of shit. How do i deal with this? I have a horrible feeling i just cant, and that particular group of people will forever view me as trash for what i did to one person.
  2. Saw my shrink today, and told him the truth. I like being manic. I told him the reason i never mentioned my mood disorder before now is because doctors have a tendency to throw Lithium at me until i can barely see straight, and since i was just cycling between depressed and hypomanic i didnt see the point in talking about it. He said right then and there, that he would not drown me in Lithium, that he wanted me taking some just so i dont get too manic, but that he was quite happy to have me on a low dose so that i can still experience hypomania. This made me trust him a hell of a lot more than if he had just been like "mania bad" and increased my Lithium until i couldnt feel anything any more. This was done on the understanding that i dont go all manic and stop my Lithium, that's the deal we struck. I feel good about this, he's the first doctor (well, he's actually a NP) who has listened to what i want, and not just foisted an agenda on me.
  3. I was diagnosed Schizoaffective Bipolar again during a recent hospital stay, the reasoning being that i have been "having too many mood swings to be Schizophrenic alone". I havent been fully manic for 7 years, and they even changed my diagnosis to Paranoid Schizophrenia because they thought my manic/ depressive episodes were a misdiagnosis. But i do cycle a LOT between depressed and normal/ high end of normal (dare i say, even a little hypomanic at times). The psychiatrist at the hospital put me back on Lithium and changed my diagnosis back to SZA-B. Is it possible to go that long without being manic?
  4. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia years ago, due to intrusive thoughts. But now i wonder if i was mis-diagnosed and actually have OCD? Should i bring this up with my psychiatrist?
  5. I called him and told him what happened, and asked about Cogentin. He said he was going to offer that as an option, so that's what we're doing. I really hope it works!
  6. Clozapine didnt work for me, and i gained 60lbs, which i hated. Currently trying Loxapine which has its own problems, but i like it better than Clozapine.
  7. I really, really like Loxapine. It helps me control my weight, my psychotic symptoms etc. Everything. With one downside. If i take more than 25mg, my eyes roll back in my head and stay there until i take Benadryl. My NP likes to play it safe, is afraid of NMS, I want to just ask him if he'll write me daily Cogentin for it (as Benadryl is not a very good long term option), but i dont even know if that's a thing? Im in over my head...
  8. I gained like 60lbs on Clozaril and still had symptoms, so my shrink put me on Loxapine which he said will help reduce the carb cravings/ constant hunger. I took my first dose last night, i really hope it works out for me!
  9. Anyone have any experience with this? My shrink put me on it because apparently they temporarily stopped making Haldol or something... I gained 60lbs on Clozaril, apparently this will help me lose the weight.
  10. Latuda made me vomit a lot, and constantly feel queasy. Clozapine really is the last medication for me, i've tried nearly everything else.
  11. 1) Im treatment resistant, but he has hope that clozapine will work for me, as it tends to work well for treatment resistant schizophrenia. 2) He's retiring in December. And it's really hard to find a psychiatrist around here. FML.
  12. I've constantly got the munchies, luckily im remembering to eat healthy foods instead of the half loaf of bread i really want lol
  13. Started Clozaril, currently taking 25mg in the morning and 50mg at night. Got taken off Trilafon, then randomly told upon discharge that i was to take it again. Fuck that, im not taking 3 antipsychotics at once! They werent kidding about the munchies though, holy crap..
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