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About fallinguphill

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  1. For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep Human - Christina Perri Black Orchid - Blue October
  2. At 19 I got hit with a major depressive episode that took a toll on not just me, but everyone around me. During that time, started using casual sex as a momentary escape, and of course it worked briefly... Until I woke up the following morning. Fast forward 10 years and I am still in the same cycle, the latest being last night. And today I just feel disgusted and angry with myself. I let these men touch me, and I hate it, I really do, but it stops the pain in my head for a moment, so I also cling to it... I feel like a pathetic slut.
  3. Like I said, I will sit down with my pdoc and have us both lay our cards out on the table. I mentioned this all to ny best friend, and she even said she could see where my pdoc is coming from. Yet I truly dont see it, and I know body pretty well. I can feel a panic attack coming on from a mile away, and I can usually tell a day or two before I drop into a deep depression, that one is coming... So I would know if I wasnt being myself. In fact my panic and hyochondria has made me hyperaware of all my behaviors, so I just cant see me missing something.
  4. I have no input on the bipolar part, since it is only something my psychiatrist has mentioned a few times, and I shut it down. But if there was a cure for panic disorder and depression, I would take it without hesitation. I think of what my life was like before I was 16 and this all began, and I think about how much my panic attacks have taken away from me. From little things like skipping out on a concert because loud, thick crowds send me over the edge... To bigger things like them getting so out of control I ended up hospitalized twice and ending up losing a great job and a good apartment because I couldnt cope with life at all anymore.
  5. I see her again in a couple weeks, what I am going to TRY and do is ask her what specific things make her continually go towards a bipolar dx (I tend to tune her out the moment she mentions the word) and then I will calmy explain to her my thoughts... Hopefully we can reach an understanding. If not then I will go about getting a second opinion. I just really dont want to go on any more meds. I know they help, I get that, but my panic disorder makes it almost impossible for me take anything new.
  6. Getting a second opinion is a little difficult for me. I go to a state run mental health center, and all of my treatment is paid for. I cant afford to find another pdoc. The center has other psychiatrists on staff, but as of right now, none of them are accepting new patients. Plus I would feel horrible for switching to a new pdoc in the center. Id feel like I was telling my pdoc she wasn't a good psychiatrist or something... And I dont think that. I do not always agree with what she is saying, but she is a good doctor.
  7. Here, you actually have to have a plan before they will admit you involuntarily, or other reason to believe you are an immediate threat to yourself or others... I dont know how it works in other states or countries though. I dont think they will admit you for just having suicidal thoughts? However, if you genuinely do feel like you are a danger to yourself, please consider going. Inpatient is never fun, but I promise it isn't as horrible or as terrifying as they make it in the movies. In my experience it was just a lot of boredom, occasionally interupted by meals and group (each place is different) and Ive never seen anyone have meds forced on them.
  8. I just realized I posted this in the wrong section, sorry admin. I have looked up bipolar II (which is hypomania instead of mania, correct?) And I do fit some of the criteria, but I've also been a bundle of energy since I was born. And yes I can fluctuate from not leaving my bed depressed, to OMG YAY! quickly, but the happy is just who I am when Im not anxious, panicky or depressed. Impulsive behaviors? Sometimes, but like with the endless energy, Ive alway been like that. I get bored easily and do stupid things bc of it. I just feel like my pdoc is trying to take what is actually me, what is my actual personality, and turn it into something it isn't.
  9. I feel like everytime I turn around I am having a new diagnosis put on me. The first was obvious... Panic Disorder, I didn't argue that at all. Then major depression. 99% sure that stemmed from the panic, so fine Ill take the meds. Then OCD. I Still dont fully agree with that one, because I see the obsessive thoughts as just part of the panic, but whatever, my pdoc didnt add any meds to my prozac, since it helps with OCD, so I wasn't going to fight it... HOWEVER at my appointment today, she brought up bipolar, for the third time, and it is aggrevating me because I am not bipolar! Yes I have mood swings, and I will admit there have been quite a few times when I am really UP, and a little more impulsive... But Ive never had any kind of psychosis before, and isn't that a big thing when a person is manic? I am not trying to be hard headed or anything, I just dont feel like I am bipolar, so any advice on how to stop her bringing it up?
  10. I didn't know whether to post this in the anti depressant section or Alternative section, since it has to do with both, so I basically played eenie meenie miney moe to make my choice... If it is in the wrong place, I apologize. Anyways, I bought some Kava tea tonight, but before I try it, I was wondering if anyone knows if it is safe to use with prozac? Ive done a lot of research on it, including reading many reports of possible liver problems (which I am not concerned about since the tea is made from Kava root, and that apparently makes a huge difference health wise), and I know I cant take it on days I take my Ativan, but I have found nothing about combining it with SSRIs, so is anyone here use any form of Kava with their anti depressant, ir know any information about mixing the two.
  11. Upstairs neighbors have apparently inatalled a bowling alley in the room directly above mine. IM TIRED
  12. Ive been IP twice and neither had internet access or allowed cellphone usage. The first place only allowed two 15 minute calls per patient, per day. The second had 2 phones in the day room. Friends and family could call it whenever, between 9am and 9pm and patients could use it whenever to make local calls and 3 long distance calls per week. I never had a problem with their being no cellphones allowed. Too many things could go wrong. It could end up lost or stolen, or worse someone could use it to snap pictures and post them online.
  13. Im really sorry Hpunk, having a mom who disregards your panic attacks is horrible. A lot of people like to make hypochondria and panic the butt of their jokes, when in reality there is nothing remotely funny about it. As for my mom, I have tried to explain this to her so many times, yet I would have better luck with a brick wall. The three examples I listed are just recent ones. A few years ago I was havng a lot of stomach pain (which my surgeon now thinks was the beginning of my GB going bad) and my mom brings up stomach cancer... Something that had never crossed my mind till she said it. I get bronchitis every year (I am an asthmatic smoker, I have no one to blame but myself) and everytime I get i she will pop up lung cancer... I just, i can't keep dealing with it. I have been doing well on the panic attack spectrum,in fact they were pretty well contained until my recent surgery, but it is a constant battle to keep them contained. I feel like I spend half of my life battling my own frantic thoughts, and then she goes and says something like that and I spiral again.
  14. Ive had panic attacks for 13 years now, and the one constant thing that EVERYONE knows can send me into a panic attack is fear about my health... Even a mild headache can have me curled up in a ball convinced I am about to have a stroke. Anyways, during my gallbladder surgery my blood pressure ran pretty high, and today a week and a half later at m follow up with the surgeon it was high again 140/100. He suggested I make a doctors appointment, which I did. Now my doctor is located in the town I grew up in about 30 miles from me which is where my mom still lives so I called her to ask if she wanted to have lunch on the day of my appt. She automatically goes into a spiel about being worried about my blood pressure, and reminding me what the warning signs of a stroke are. Now the Surgeon even told me that I needed it checked, but considering ot has only been elevated in the past few weeks and that 140/100 can lead to ptoblems over time, its not immediately life threating... My mom however just kept harping about how dangerous it was till I had to get off the phone due to my anxiety peaking. This is also not an isolated incident, I had the stomach flu over the summer and she asked if I had, had any chest pain bc vommiting is associated with heart attacks. I was tired a lot for a while a couple years ago which turned out to be low iron, and she once again questioned my heart. Its ALWAYS. Anytime I even have a slight health issue, she blows it up. Ive went off on her more times than i can count, Ive begged her to just let my doctors make the diagnoses, but she still does it. This woman is the reason my panic comes back time to time. I love my mom, but i am about to cut her from my life for my own sanity.
  15. I honestly dont think coming off the benzos would be good for me. I kbow they have a bad rap, but Ativan is the only things that can make my panic attacks stop. I couldnt leave the house before it was prescribed to me, and now I am living a halfway normal life. Ativan is actually what got me through this past week.
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