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Caillech

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About Caillech

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  1. I can see how my original post could come across as a bit condesending. This particular person...is a bit of a case. I know I told the same story for 21 years. So it's not like I don't have experience in that area, cuz I do. I know that there is a way out. It's been two years since my last suicide attempt and even longer than I have actually seriously expressed that I was going to try. So it does get better. It's not easy. I still have huge moments where I am struggling. I just deal with it differently. I am still dealing with the same stuff. I just had to find a different way to relate I gues. There is a chinese proverb that says if you don't change the direction you're going in, you will most likely get there. This can be a good thing. But in my case, with suicidal depression being a main problem, it was not good. imma shut up now.
  2. Stopping by to say Hi. I miss some of you. Went into the blogs area for a little bit. Got to a certain persons blog...which was the same as it was this time last year and say "im outta hea." Things are for the most part well. I have been having a lot of episodes. Some that include full blown psychosis. But for the most part handling it rather well. Hope the majority of you can say the same. And if not...I hope it gets better for you. (even the person who tells the same story a year later. Cheese would be the trigger word here. Sorry, Im evil.)
  3. I know I should reach out. Tell someone but I won't. I will just let the pressure build. Let people who supposedly "love" me treat me like complete and utter crap until I just explode and snap and take some innocent people with me and then myself. I have tried. I have. And I have done well. Really, really, really well. But according to people who know absolute shit about everything, I need to be rehospitalized and medicated because i'm upset that i'm treated like shit. Apparently, this is not normal. It's never, ever right to be angry under any circumstances. But it's all fine and good for this person to stand an inch away from my face and scream and yell at me for 10 minutes straight and tell me that im a fucking bitch. Well fuck it. Fuck people. They are SOOOOOOOO not worth it. None of them are. they are all fucked up piles of shit. And I hope to god, no pray to god that some fucktard presses the button that takes each and everyone of us out of our small and miserable existence.
  4. So, I have been going to a Dharma center here that my ex attends. I have not been going because of him, but because i have to get some stuff in order because im having some health issues that I don't know where it's going to lead. So while I have been there, I have only interacted with him THREE times. One just to say hi, once to ask him a question so I can understand what happened in march of 09 that lead him to stop talking to me and then this last sunday to ask him if he was going to the mainland. He looked at me and said perhaps. PERHAPS! Not a yes, not a no, just perhaps. No fucking respect. Just attitude and fucking insolence. I just let it go. But I really felt that maybe I don't need to be there regardless of why I go. He OBVIOUSLY has problems with me being there. And i asked in December if it would be ok if I went. He said sure. Now, I'm not expecting us to get back together. In fact, based on his fucking fucktard behaviour towards me since January you COULD NOT pay me to get back into a relationship with me. But you would think for someone who said he loved me and I was worth it and he wouldn't leave, that he could at the very least TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN. Especially one who professes to be a Buddhist. I wrote him a note at myspace saying that I felt that his attitude and insolence was completely uncalled for and very out of line. I was asking him a simple question after all. It's not like I wanted to know when or where he was going or how long he was going or who he was going to fuck while he was there or anything. Just are you going? He read it and then fucking unfriended me on myspace. fucking unfriended me. I guess I have no right to call him on his behaviour and I just have to sit back and allow a man who said he loved me for how many ever years to just treat me like shit and like I don't even deserve to breathe the same air as him. And a Buddhist nonetheless. I also in this note that I sent to him on myspace explained that I finally figured out why there was some stuff that happened in late '08 that never sat right with me. It involved several people including myself and him and two other people. Half of it I figured out and got that part dealt with. But the other part that dealt with him and the assistant manager I could never figure out why I didn't like the way it felt. Then I finally got a huge AHA! moment. And everything that happened after her hiring made perfect fucking sense. So I went on craigslist and posted in the rants and raves (that's what it's for, right?) that he is not to be trusted and he lies and manipulates and uses for his own gain. Which is exactly what he did Dec. 08- March 09. The post got fucking removed. I didn't say anything derogatory. I didn't say anything offensive. I just told the truth. And it got fucking removed. I want to fucking scream. Fucking scream and NEVER stop. Because wtf? I'm not trying to hurt him. I just showing him for who he really is. Again, we do ever need to get back into a relationship. Don't need to fucking be best friends. But Goddammititalltobloodyhell, he could treat me like I'm a fucking person. But noooooo. He has to be a complete dick about everything. I'm am no longer going to the Dharma center. There is another one here that meets on wednesday. With my luck he will probably go there too. Which means Im doing this all by myself. As fucking usual. I get fucked over by everyone else and pay the price for that.
  5. I am very sorry to hear this. I liked Ray very much. I will say prayers and do practices for him.
  6. AM: This made me laugh. But it is 2010. I'm sure someone was bored enough and wanted to torture everyone else and they found a way to put that crap on DVD.
  7. *Sigh* Today is very hard. I can't stop crying. I just can't. And for the same reason. It's much improved tho because I no longer want to kill him or myself. Improvement. I just miss him soooo much. And it's been almost two years. It's just not well. It shouldn't hurt this much that long after the fact. I have even had a very short and fucked up relationship since the ex and I broke up. I'm not angry anymore. Just terribly sad inside. And....idk. I know i'm working on it. But it's not easy and it just will not leave. I thought it would go away once i moved away. once i didn't have to watch his life being lived away from me. But noooooo. I wrote him a note at myspace telling him im working on it. Im looking at it from all different angles. He wrote back good. And that was it. Not that i expect anymore. Cuz I don't. I just want it to be over. Just over.
  8. Are they serious? I dont know, it seems like it may be a way to make someone else shame. No pictures of the person, but if people recoginize the truck they would know who it was immediately. Still funny tho. Thanks.
  9. Yeah. what you say makes total and complete sense. Really this is what i have been dealing with all my life. I'm going to go get my stuff. I guess partly why I have been dreading doing this is because it's totally changed. the whole situation. But this is someone who cannot tolerate change. So, i'm never going to hear the end of it. I told her that i might have to do upto 12 hours a week in physical therapy. She said that pt consists of just getting up and doing things. she said when she broke her leg (compound fracture) her pt was the ranch and stairs. That might be why one of her legs is a full inch shorter than the other and why she has constant pain in her back. But whatever. People will make disasters choices and because they do they just expect you to too. I'm all done doing that. I have to do what i have to do, which is take care of my medical stuff and to hell with the people who say that doesn't help.
  10. So with all the things going on with my health and crap, I get a call from "her" at the ranch basically asking me "what about me?" Um. I have no idea. It's not that im not willing to help you. It's more along the lines of my life is pretty much in limbo because I don't know what the hell is in my brain and um, I have to have an unknown amount of physical therapy and, and, and. Things are actually going pretty good. I have my moments, but over all things are much better than they were say 3 years ago. People just never cease to surprise me. They should. But they don't. Anyway i'm gunna make arrangements to get my stuff out of the bottom house so I can as she put it "set her free". Wow. I wasn't aware I had the power to keep slaves. So I just had to rant. I don't know. I mean I know people have lives. I get that. But life is about more than "me". And it's definitely about more than "me first".
  11. By the way my niece and nephew insist I do look like this: "The Puzzler" from Numberjacks. I wish I could say they were wrong...

  12. Thank you for the "friends"!

  13. Taking into account what Stacia said about further derailing the thread,I will shut up after this. Since I really have no slogans myself. and honestly, slogans would have done jack at the time I was seriously contemplating suicide or actually acting on it. But that's not the point of the thread). Emettman: I see your point. I have been there. People begging me not to kill myself and me thinking, how selfish are you? Don't you see that I am in serious mental and emotional pain here? and u are asking me to consider your request? Pffftttt. But, and there is a huge but here, it was actually a song written by a guy who's father commited suicide that slowly started to change my perception of it. It's selfish on both sides. I want to die. People who love me want me to live. But the pain that this song talks about, IDK, it just...I told myself this is what my kids would be asking themselves. Except i would be dead and they wouldn't be able to get their answers. So even tho I am in so much pain that I actually want to die, which here really is the greater of the two evils. Do I sacrifice my own comfort for that of my children. I finally decided that yes, I would do that. That decision FORCED me to find another way of dealing with the pain. I turned it into something that had meaning for me and didn't seem pointless and that made a huge difference. I make huge leaps and bounds everyday. And no need to apologize. I haven't even had my coffee yet.
  14. I think the point is missed here. And while I see your point and understand and have been there (lived it, breathed it, was it), I am more than grateful that I never actually succeeded in committing suicide. The legacy of pain i would have left my children would have brought them just as much, if not more pain than I experienced on a daily basis. So yes, it was derived by a selfish desire of my children to want mom to stick around. I finally just came to understand that it was my responsibility to work though the pain. It doesn't mean I don't ever experience pain anymore now. I just look at it differently. And this goes for people who don't have children as well.
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