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Everything posted by Caillech

  1. I can see how my original post could come across as a bit condesending. This particular person...is a bit of a case. I know I told the same story for 21 years. So it's not like I don't have experience in that area, cuz I do. I know that there is a way out. It's been two years since my last suicide attempt and even longer than I have actually seriously expressed that I was going to try. So it does get better. It's not easy. I still have huge moments where I am struggling. I just deal with it differently. I am still dealing with the same stuff. I just had to find a different way to relate I gues. There is a chinese proverb that says if you don't change the direction you're going in, you will most likely get there. This can be a good thing. But in my case, with suicidal depression being a main problem, it was not good. imma shut up now.
  2. Stopping by to say Hi. I miss some of you. Went into the blogs area for a little bit. Got to a certain persons blog...which was the same as it was this time last year and say "im outta hea." Things are for the most part well. I have been having a lot of episodes. Some that include full blown psychosis. But for the most part handling it rather well. Hope the majority of you can say the same. And if not...I hope it gets better for you. (even the person who tells the same story a year later. Cheese would be the trigger word here. Sorry, Im evil.)
  3. I know I should reach out. Tell someone but I won't. I will just let the pressure build. Let people who supposedly "love" me treat me like complete and utter crap until I just explode and snap and take some innocent people with me and then myself. I have tried. I have. And I have done well. Really, really, really well. But according to people who know absolute shit about everything, I need to be rehospitalized and medicated because i'm upset that i'm treated like shit. Apparently, this is not normal. It's never, ever right to be angry under any circumstances. But it's all fine and good for this person to stand an inch away from my face and scream and yell at me for 10 minutes straight and tell me that im a fucking bitch. Well fuck it. Fuck people. They are SOOOOOOOO not worth it. None of them are. they are all fucked up piles of shit. And I hope to god, no pray to god that some fucktard presses the button that takes each and everyone of us out of our small and miserable existence.
  4. So, I have been going to a Dharma center here that my ex attends. I have not been going because of him, but because i have to get some stuff in order because im having some health issues that I don't know where it's going to lead. So while I have been there, I have only interacted with him THREE times. One just to say hi, once to ask him a question so I can understand what happened in march of 09 that lead him to stop talking to me and then this last sunday to ask him if he was going to the mainland. He looked at me and said perhaps. PERHAPS! Not a yes, not a no, just perhaps. No fucking respect. Just attitude and fucking insolence. I just let it go. But I really felt that maybe I don't need to be there regardless of why I go. He OBVIOUSLY has problems with me being there. And i asked in December if it would be ok if I went. He said sure. Now, I'm not expecting us to get back together. In fact, based on his fucking fucktard behaviour towards me since January you COULD NOT pay me to get back into a relationship with me. But you would think for someone who said he loved me and I was worth it and he wouldn't leave, that he could at the very least TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN. Especially one who professes to be a Buddhist. I wrote him a note at myspace saying that I felt that his attitude and insolence was completely uncalled for and very out of line. I was asking him a simple question after all. It's not like I wanted to know when or where he was going or how long he was going or who he was going to fuck while he was there or anything. Just are you going? He read it and then fucking unfriended me on myspace. fucking unfriended me. I guess I have no right to call him on his behaviour and I just have to sit back and allow a man who said he loved me for how many ever years to just treat me like shit and like I don't even deserve to breathe the same air as him. And a Buddhist nonetheless. I also in this note that I sent to him on myspace explained that I finally figured out why there was some stuff that happened in late '08 that never sat right with me. It involved several people including myself and him and two other people. Half of it I figured out and got that part dealt with. But the other part that dealt with him and the assistant manager I could never figure out why I didn't like the way it felt. Then I finally got a huge AHA! moment. And everything that happened after her hiring made perfect fucking sense. So I went on craigslist and posted in the rants and raves (that's what it's for, right?) that he is not to be trusted and he lies and manipulates and uses for his own gain. Which is exactly what he did Dec. 08- March 09. The post got fucking removed. I didn't say anything derogatory. I didn't say anything offensive. I just told the truth. And it got fucking removed. I want to fucking scream. Fucking scream and NEVER stop. Because wtf? I'm not trying to hurt him. I just showing him for who he really is. Again, we do ever need to get back into a relationship. Don't need to fucking be best friends. But Goddammititalltobloodyhell, he could treat me like I'm a fucking person. But noooooo. He has to be a complete dick about everything. I'm am no longer going to the Dharma center. There is another one here that meets on wednesday. With my luck he will probably go there too. Which means Im doing this all by myself. As fucking usual. I get fucked over by everyone else and pay the price for that.
  5. I am very sorry to hear this. I liked Ray very much. I will say prayers and do practices for him.
  6. AM: This made me laugh. But it is 2010. I'm sure someone was bored enough and wanted to torture everyone else and they found a way to put that crap on DVD.
  7. *Sigh* Today is very hard. I can't stop crying. I just can't. And for the same reason. It's much improved tho because I no longer want to kill him or myself. Improvement. I just miss him soooo much. And it's been almost two years. It's just not well. It shouldn't hurt this much that long after the fact. I have even had a very short and fucked up relationship since the ex and I broke up. I'm not angry anymore. Just terribly sad inside. And....idk. I know i'm working on it. But it's not easy and it just will not leave. I thought it would go away once i moved away. once i didn't have to watch his life being lived away from me. But noooooo. I wrote him a note at myspace telling him im working on it. Im looking at it from all different angles. He wrote back good. And that was it. Not that i expect anymore. Cuz I don't. I just want it to be over. Just over.
  8. Are they serious? I dont know, it seems like it may be a way to make someone else shame. No pictures of the person, but if people recoginize the truck they would know who it was immediately. Still funny tho. Thanks.
  9. Yeah. what you say makes total and complete sense. Really this is what i have been dealing with all my life. I'm going to go get my stuff. I guess partly why I have been dreading doing this is because it's totally changed. the whole situation. But this is someone who cannot tolerate change. So, i'm never going to hear the end of it. I told her that i might have to do upto 12 hours a week in physical therapy. She said that pt consists of just getting up and doing things. she said when she broke her leg (compound fracture) her pt was the ranch and stairs. That might be why one of her legs is a full inch shorter than the other and why she has constant pain in her back. But whatever. People will make disasters choices and because they do they just expect you to too. I'm all done doing that. I have to do what i have to do, which is take care of my medical stuff and to hell with the people who say that doesn't help.
  10. So with all the things going on with my health and crap, I get a call from "her" at the ranch basically asking me "what about me?" Um. I have no idea. It's not that im not willing to help you. It's more along the lines of my life is pretty much in limbo because I don't know what the hell is in my brain and um, I have to have an unknown amount of physical therapy and, and, and. Things are actually going pretty good. I have my moments, but over all things are much better than they were say 3 years ago. People just never cease to surprise me. They should. But they don't. Anyway i'm gunna make arrangements to get my stuff out of the bottom house so I can as she put it "set her free". Wow. I wasn't aware I had the power to keep slaves. So I just had to rant. I don't know. I mean I know people have lives. I get that. But life is about more than "me". And it's definitely about more than "me first".
  11. Taking into account what Stacia said about further derailing the thread,I will shut up after this. Since I really have no slogans myself. and honestly, slogans would have done jack at the time I was seriously contemplating suicide or actually acting on it. But that's not the point of the thread). Emettman: I see your point. I have been there. People begging me not to kill myself and me thinking, how selfish are you? Don't you see that I am in serious mental and emotional pain here? and u are asking me to consider your request? Pffftttt. But, and there is a huge but here, it was actually a song written by a guy who's father commited suicide that slowly started to change my perception of it. It's selfish on both sides. I want to die. People who love me want me to live. But the pain that this song talks about, IDK, it just...I told myself this is what my kids would be asking themselves. Except i would be dead and they wouldn't be able to get their answers. So even tho I am in so much pain that I actually want to die, which here really is the greater of the two evils. Do I sacrifice my own comfort for that of my children. I finally decided that yes, I would do that. That decision FORCED me to find another way of dealing with the pain. I turned it into something that had meaning for me and didn't seem pointless and that made a huge difference. I make huge leaps and bounds everyday. And no need to apologize. I haven't even had my coffee yet.
  12. I think the point is missed here. And while I see your point and understand and have been there (lived it, breathed it, was it), I am more than grateful that I never actually succeeded in committing suicide. The legacy of pain i would have left my children would have brought them just as much, if not more pain than I experienced on a daily basis. So yes, it was derived by a selfish desire of my children to want mom to stick around. I finally just came to understand that it was my responsibility to work though the pain. It doesn't mean I don't ever experience pain anymore now. I just look at it differently. And this goes for people who don't have children as well.
  13. Agreed. A very powerful statement to the testament that suicide is very, very, very damaging to yourself as well as those who know and love you. another one i'm stealing to share with my daughter. She thinks I'm crazy. Oh, wait..... You can tell this was written by a survivor, which is a fucked up way of saying someone who has survived someone else's suicide. I think the language is totally fucked. But it's all I have.
  14. I like the stop, youre killing the wrong person thingy. I see how it could be misconstrued tho. I also really, really like what Stacia said. I'm dealing right now with a suicidal (sometimes) teenage daughter and I totally understand that statement. One thing I would like to say though, having been extremely suicidal at times and also having numerous attempts: The it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem always bugged the hell out of me. I got told that a lot. And I know it's true and I know they really were trying to help, but I felt like it didn't acknowledge my pain. Having been there, I think the acknowledgement of the pain was most helpful while suicidal. I also was not helpful in providing slogans. Sorry.
  15. Hi Berry, because of the location of the mass (right posterior aspect of the pons) a biopsy is pretty much out of the question. And having a dr say 'its cuz you were born sick' sucks cow balls. Yeah, and, so? what are you going to do about it? To be told that they don't know what to do with it cuz they don't know what it is is even worse. I can look into the other neuro looking at it, but its such a pain in the ass cuz I live in the islands and that involves travel and all other kinda of crap that really isn't worth it if I don't get any new info. As far as teaching hospitals and the like, we don't have that here and I am not moving away from my kids again. Period. For anything. And my stance is that even if it isn't cancer doesn't mean that it still won't be the death of me in the long run. It just means I won't die of brain cancer. So while I can see that everyone is happy and relieved its not cancer, I still see no reason to break out the party hats and champagne. It's my brain. No one seems to think this makes any difference. And I don't understand why that is. It's not my foot or my hand or my cheek. It's a brain. If something goes wrong with that, that is very serious no matter what it is. As far as the spinal tap, the needle placement is in the same area of the spine as an epidural and I sure as fuck had not well sensation from that. But with the spinal tap they push the needle in much farther and it just doesnt sit will with me. But i may have to have one anyway. If they come to me with a gun to my head and say have this test or else i will do it. Until then, ill pass. It being a 20% chance of MS just isn't worth it to me to have them fucking with my spinal cord. Any part of it. Thanks tho.
  16. Thanks for the offer of looking into a second opinion. That's really all up to my insurance tho. And there are only two neuros in this state will take my insurance. I really think that even if i did request an opinion and he agreed to see me, it wouldn't do any good. As far as I can tell, they haven't seen this and there fore can't tell me where it's going or how it's going to end. I hate to say this, but I really feel for people who have a terminal disease and have no idea how bad it will get and no medical proffessional to tell them and say fuck it, lets end it now. I won't. But if i keep deteriating like to the point where i can't even hold my own waste, well then. And that mostly has to do with the fact that i am in my 30's. It's kinda expected in an old person. But most people look at me like im young and no matter how bad it gets, thats not something I need because i should be able to do it myself. So even if I found someone who was able to provide for me the things that I can't do anymore, they will do it with nothing but resentment. WEll fuck that..I will put a bullet in my brain before I ever let it come to that.
  17. Thanks Berry. I have studied what the pons does upside and down and every there way possible. I don't think that it is totally comprimised. I know it is not. What is frustrating to me is the fact that they don't know what it is and also the health care providers (imo) just poo-poo the fact that this thing (whatever it is) sits on a very old part of my brain. The brain stem. Ya know, and controls involuntary body functions like bloood presure and breathing and stuff that is needed to live. I know I'm not dead, but the fact that it's there and everyone is taking a wait and see approach, because it's not cancer pisses me off to know end. What are we waiting for? Whatever it is it is obviously causing increased problems on my left side (whith the changes in the type of neuropathy) which is in turn making things worse on the right side on my body. I have an abnormal neurological exam yesterday. The doctor said yeah, that isn't right. But even if I send u to the ER, what do u think they will do? And I know the answer is nothing. They will do nothing. So I feel like the whole medical profession is saying "yeah, sorry it's all fucked up, but we can't do anything about it." well, fuck. What the fuck are you doctors for then? So besides the anger about them having this attitude to start with, the attitude of people around me who supposable "care" AND just the anger that this is the way it is goddammit, I am just really doing things I shouldn't be doing. Not as bad as it was say 2 yrs ago. But unhealthy nonetheless. I don't wan't to lose my shit because I don't know what to do with the anger. Being in pain 24/7 and watchong myself having a hard time doing what used to come naturally aint helping. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks for taking the time to respaond.
  18. Oh, yeah. Cymbalta. I can't be on that unless im on a mood stabilizer. I will pretty much freak out and take anyone in my way with me.
  19. I have had an epidural with my last child and it rocked. Hard. It was weird in the beginning because when he was pushing the tube(?) thru it went in wrong and caused really weird sensations on the left side of my body. But i told him and he did it again and Ta-da! Worked a charm. The spinal tap is a totally different thing. They push past your dura matter and into the part of the spine that holds the fluid. Much, much, much different than a epidural, which compared to that is quite superficial. where the needle is concerned anyway. I know that it would be done by a trained doctor and under floroscopy and yada yada yada. But if someone makes a mistake, who is going to compensate me for that? this is my spinal cord for god's sake. The part of my body where all the messages from my brain travel to my body. And vice versa. Plus, I have a hard time getting my blood drawn because I can not handle the needle and that thing is like what? 3 inches long? I read account after account of people who have had them and said 1. the stuff they numb you with isn't effective and usually causes more pain than does more good and 2. they have had "professionals" dig around for an hour or more and come back with nothing. No thanks. As far as Neurontin, that's definitely on the list to try. But we are starting with Lamictal. I just have to wait it out to get to a high enuff dose that it actually makes a difference. And that's a way higher dose than used for psych things.
  20. What does it mean when it suddenly changes? And that's hard for me to explain. The pain is still there. And it still comes in waves where it's really, really bad. Brings me to tears bad. But the pain and changed. It's gone from a burning sensation to what feels like a thousand little needles being stuck into the muscle of my face and arm. And today, the pain is doable. Like I can feel it, and it's uncomfortable and painful like but i think only cuz I am not used to this type of feeling. It is also spreading into my foot on the left side. It feels like my face does, but only on the top of the foot. I know this means I just have to give it a couple days and it will be in the bottom of my foot. That will be fun. Yeah, good times.
  21. This happens all the time to me. Currently, I don't have anything stuck in my head, but I just got up. The other day it was Princes Diamonds and Pearls. For no discernible reason. I hadn't heard it, or seen it or even thought about it. But I could go more than five minutes without singing it. And of course if you i have D and P's stuck up there, it alternates somewhat with strollin'. *sigh* This is a normal thing right? I see people complain about here and I just figure they are because it's annoying.
  22. Interrupt her. Your need to go to the bathroom is more important than her need to clean. She can go back to that after your done. That's just my opinion tho.
  23. I would just like to point out that the therapeutic dose of Lamictal is 200 to 400 mgs. That might be why it's not touching your nerve pain. I don't know cuz I haven't gotten there yet, but was just prescribed Lamictal for nerve pain. It will be a while before I hit the dose that actually works.
  24. Having neuropathy, I can testify that opiates do nothing whatsoever about the pain. It is a constant 24/7 pain that oxy and percs didn't even come close to touching. But I hope that the people who this helps (i know several) can still get their meds. They would pretty much die from the pain if they didn't.
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