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About goodoldneon

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    King of carrot flowers

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  • Location
    New Hampshire - my home is the sea
  • Interests
    Anything having to do with nature - hiking - spelunking about - tarantulas - standing in a meadow at dusk - not covering every square inch of land with houses and strip malls - reading and writing fiction - time alone - all things post-apocalyptic - clarity

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  1. I feel as though I'm nearing the end, after more than three decades, I have very little left, in short, in all the ways that matter, I'm already dead. Bringing this to an end would simply be going through the motions. My daughter 10 year old daughter, Lily, is my only tether. Hurting her, was, not long ago, not an option. However, I find myself becoming more accepting of the idea of her living without a father, i.e. committing suicide despite the effect it will have on her. With just about any other disease, there comes an end stage, yet, I've searched end stage depression with few results. The final stage is usually defined as acceptance. Yet, depression can and is every bit as lethal as cancer, or any number of other diseases classified as terminal. There's a scene from the second season of the The Leftovers - Patty, a deceased character, is stalking Kevin, her killer - following a suicide attempt, she taunts him by saying he wouldn't have made an attempt on his life if he loves his family, she states something to the effect of "some people attempt suicide for attention, while others, really wanna fucking die." In the past few weeks, I've spent hours driving back and forth over the Piscataqua River Bridge, its 150 foot high deck connects Maine and New Hampshire. I've stopped on two occasions to look over the side - I put my hood up to feign car trouble. There have been several fatal jumps over the years. It's an exceptionally beautiful view at dawn and dusk. The scene - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5jaQF48jJM I really want to fucking die. I don't know why I'm writing this, or the intended result, but I felt compelled to say something. The medical community is perpetrating a huge disservice by not describing the end stages of a mental illness, what to look for, and how to best treat it. I think part of the reason is, they don't know how. I wish you all the best
  2. Hey Bea - I read the post about your son, I hope he gets the help that he needs, and eventually comes to understand the complexity of adult relationships.

    I hope you're doing well. I had a dream about you last night. I ran into you and some of your friends at a park, near the ocean. We we're all crusty punks. You were all singing as I was walking by - you called me over, there was lots of laughter. We were all high. I ended up leaving with one of your friends, I don't recall where we went. You and I were best friends, it was a wonderful little visit with you - part of my mind is still there, and has been since waking. Does that ever happen to you? Do dreams often linger, like a word on the tip of your tongue? It's such a pleasant feeling when the dream is beautiful - not so good after a bad one. 

    I'm working at a doctor's office. It's nice, I get to help people with small acts of bureaucratic kindness. I'm the person's who checked you in, enters insurance, etc. Most of our patients are elderly, I enjoy playfully flirting with the women. Sometimes I think humans are mostly rotten until they reach, say, their seventies. It's late and I'm sort of falling asleep and most definitely rambling. I hope you're resting comfortably in your little home, nesting under a deep later of blankets. Talk soon, be ever so we'll my friend.


  3. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I was fortunate enough to have met [removed] and her husband, and though our time together was brief, they burned with a beatiful intensity. I hope everything works out my friend - I'll email you later. Your friend - Fuckhead
  4. I sort of take a perverted pride in the possiblity of being featured on a goverment watch list - primarily related to my involvement with "radical" (if you define radical as causing property damage in an attempt to slow the destruction of local ecosystems) environmental activists - Earth First!, ELF, etc. - Why? Cause fuck em. They, the government, etc, are operating out of a sense of fear and distrust and paranioa, whereas I, am not. Droids are simply a the manifistation of the governments' fear and paranoia. The worst they could do is confine me to a cage - at least for a little while, until such time as I take my own life.
  5. Piscataqua River Bridge - falling down, falling down...

  6. Life is a series of random events - some good, some bad, some neutral. No one, thing or higher power is in control. The universe does not bend to our will, thoughts - positive or negative, gemstones, crystals etc. It doesn't care about you, it doesn't care about me. It just is. On a long enough time line, all forms of matter and energy will cease to exist. See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heat_death_of_the_universe To the OP, as others have suggested, I would recommend contacting your Pdoc.
  7. I've been taking 100 mgs of Seroquel going on two years about now. In the beginning, "fatigued" doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. Following my first dose, I slept for a good twenty four hours - which, given I was suicidal at the time, wasn't necessarily a bad thing - I felt heavily sedated for hours thereafter. I've experimented with taking it at different times in differing dosages - I've settled on 25 mgs in the morning and afternoon, and then the remaining 50 at bedtime. It's taken quite a while, but the sedative effect has decreased over time. Based on my experience, when taken with a benzo, the sedative effect ramps up dramatically. I take it to increase the efficacy of my AD - it has its drawbacks - somnolence being one of them - but it has pretty much saved my life.
  8. I think you may have found it. Who better to ask than the people who live with and experience it?
  9. Motherfucking Kung and Motherfucking Fu
  10. So, if rape is preordained, i.e. - an act of god, part of his completely fucked up plan - wouldn't the subsequent abortion also be part of his plan?
  11. I won’t argue the details – because frankly, I really and truly no longer care which franchise wins – and, I’ve had this discussion about one hundred times too many – but at the end of the day, ten, twenty or forty years from now, the system, such as it is, will look very much like it does today because it’s not broken. In the eyes of the majority it may appear as though it’s not working – and increasingly, it’s not – but the government isn’t set up to help them, as was made obvious by the financial meltdown (which also served as the largest upward redistribution of wealth in history) – and their needs, always, always, always come first. I came across this quote recently – I think it’s an excellent summation of our current political system: “One day the truth came to me. A wise man once said that every system is designed to give you the results you actually get. If you understand that, you’ll see that this system is working. “For some people,” Pepper said. Dr. Anand shook his head emphatically. “No. Wrong. The system is working exactly right for those it was intended for. That’s why it hasn’t been fixed. Because it isn’t broken.” - Victor Lavalle – The Devil in Silver As far as Iran, my guess, Israel will have the final say as to whether we start yet another war – it will occur regardless of who is at the helm. Oh, and this: http://truth-out.org...ll-we-have-left And I'll throw this in as well: http://www.rollingst...street-20120918 Oh and what the hell: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/blogs/taibblog/ag-eric-holder-has-no-balls-20120815
  12. By no means am I sticking up for Romney - but if we're to be honest with ourselves, what sort of person authorizes the killing of civilians? http://www.salon.com/2012/05/29/militants_media_propaganda/
  13. With the exception of a few social and monetary issues, very little seperates republicans and democrats - it's essentially one party system with a more liberal wing and a more conservative wing. At the end of the day, both parties are beholden to their corporate underwriters - Obama's Whitehouse has been every bit as downright evil and beholden to corporate interests as Bush's - unfortunately, liberals have given him a free pass. If you can't see it, you're simply not paying attention. So, to make a long story short - I'll be voting for Jill Stein.
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