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reetchbeetch

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About reetchbeetch

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  1. I don't understand my depression. I don't understand why I am the way I am. I feel like something terrible had to have happened to me. I am really creepy. Does anyone else feel this way? I'm wondering what could have caused me to feel and become so miserable. I don't understand why i don't just enjoy things like a normal person. Why I interact the way I do. I am working on accepting myself as I am. But it's difficult. There's so much of me that I don't like. Something has to have gone terribly wrong. But I also suspect that knowing the root cause of all of it might not be liberatin
  2. I'm attending a procrastination and perfectionism group but nothing related to drugs and alcohol. I think the key for me is remembering what is involved in the recipe for success. If i remember that and really believe in it, it will be more obvious to avoid alcohol and weed and remember to take my meds... Sitting here I'm realizing I really need to think and talk this through with somebody. It'll be a good subject for therapy on Friday. I know I'm not far away from having the resolve and understanding to look out for myself and avoid the stuff that hurts me. But it's definitely not solidi
  3. I've got an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow. I'm in therapy also but it doesn't seem to be doing the job. I think I should try a different therapist that might be more helpful. I've done a good bit to be more well and a lot that has been bad for me. I've lost 30lbs in the last 6 months by starting to run again and eating better. I've been playing music with friends and we've got almost 30 min of solid music written. I earned 15 credits toward a new major in college last quarter which is awesome since I haven't been a full time student very much at all in the last 5 years. I went to Indi
  4. I feel like I am a fake. This is really hard for me to articulate clearly. I want to express this and just get it out so sorry it's fragmented. I can't keep denying things about myself. I believe i am so much more functional and awesome than I really am. I am really really unwell. I can and probably will keep rationalizing away and ignoring facts about myself. I am very much cold and dead inside. I've sold my soul 10,000 times and I wonder if it can really be regained. I am just a bag of approval seeking needs. I have such a need to fit in and belong when I don't. I don't kno
  5. You express yourself really well. I know the battle yiu experience. It's really familiar i witness it in me everyday these days and its really draining and consuming. you are courageous and awesome though just by being you. There's really nothing you can do about being amazing.
  6. I feel the same way at night. But i am convinced i need to suck it up and take them. I talked to a doc and it doesn't make sense to not take the meds as prescribed. regardless of how annoying or sucky it is.
  7. I agree. I think it's more selfish to demand someone stay alive so that they don't get hurt by losing you. A teacher I like talks to suicidal people by first of saying great, okay you want to kill yourself, now let's talk about it. No preaching or judging about how you shouldn't and all the people it would hurt. That's all a lot of bullshit to me. Not that it's the best decision or a smart one. But I think people really don't want to know that something's wrong. They just want to pretend everything is fine.
  8. I've done it a bunch on meds and it's usually made everything a lot worse. When I'm high I think i've suddenly learned everything i need to know to get better. But really it hasn't been useful or fun and me figuring everything out doesn't turn out to be true. I liked it for awhile but I wasn't really doing that well with it even when i thought i was. That said i'm with VE. You never know, it could be enjoyable or helpful. I would give a small amount a try with some real friends you trust and see what happens.
  9. Hilarious, this is from the wikipedia that you linked to: Quoted from Dr. Julie Holland: "Not only are MDMA related cases a small percentage of all drug-related emergency room visits, but a large percentage of MDMA cases are not life-threatening. In a recent study conducted by the physicians in the Emergency Department of Bellevue, (Rella, Int J Med Toxicol 2000; 3(5): 28) regional hospital ecstasy cases phoned into the New York City poison control center were analyzed. There were 191 cases reported during the years 1993 to 1999 inclusive. This is a rate of fewer than thirty cases per year.
  10. I love the huge amount of judgment you lay on there in your post VE. It's so helpful and useful to the person who is actually posting here, who seems to have gotten some benefit from the drug. What is a substance that you imply is not justifiable to be used and what is a medicine for MI is actually more of a blurry line than you take into account. Somehow using Benzos daily at high doses doesn't count as substance abuse, but someone who's desperate having already tried legal meds turning to MDMA is obviously someone to be shunned, who is just "short-circuiting their brain for pleasure".
  11. Yeah i agree, I think trying to control your thoughts into happiness is lame and total crap. That's not at all what this is about. it's more just taking a look at our psychological functioning. They would say that your feelings come from your thinking, but all you need is to NOTICE that rather than try to change the content of your mind. That's what's fundamentally different about this, is it never tries to tinker with what specific types of thoughts you're having. It's more focused on "mood education". And now that I say that I think these guys would teach that our moods can't really be co
  12. Maybe there are more similarities than I thought. Truthfully i don't know CBT all that well, I just know that this approach doesn't dive into past trauma or bad memories. It doesn't try to tinker with what thoughts you're having, just tries to show you how thinking/moods actually work. Like I said I don't know CBT that well, so maybe this is more similar than I recognize. From what I understand this is different in its fundamentals and its general approach, but like I said I don't know CBT, so maybe it's not as crazy revolutionary as I thought.
  13. My understanding is limited, but i can tell you it's helped me a lot to understand the principles they're talking about. It's helped me gain a lot more insight into moods and human psychology. To answer your question I don't think people can control their moods. For me it just helps to know that it's coming from me not from my circumstances. I feel less powerless during the times I notice that my depression is really coming from my thinking, even if it's not totally conscious. it comes from the thoughts I choose to believe in the moment. -Edited to add: I don't think our thoughts are truly vol
  14. I think most people who have MI issues, including myself focus really hard on their problems and difficulties rather than on their innate mental health. We all have inherent mental health that we just aren't paying attention to. What they're talking about is actually how our minds work, for all of us not just people who are healthy. It's not at all about thinking your way out of depression, that is absolutely 100% NOT what this implies. It's about recognizing THAT your thinking is where your feelings come from, not something outside yourself, that provides some relief. They would never enc
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