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About reetchbeetch

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  1. I don't understand my depression. I don't understand why I am the way I am. I feel like something terrible had to have happened to me. I am really creepy. Does anyone else feel this way? I'm wondering what could have caused me to feel and become so miserable. I don't understand why i don't just enjoy things like a normal person. Why I interact the way I do. I am working on accepting myself as I am. But it's difficult. There's so much of me that I don't like. Something has to have gone terribly wrong. But I also suspect that knowing the root cause of all of it might not be liberating.
  2. I'm attending a procrastination and perfectionism group but nothing related to drugs and alcohol. I think the key for me is remembering what is involved in the recipe for success. If i remember that and really believe in it, it will be more obvious to avoid alcohol and weed and remember to take my meds... Sitting here I'm realizing I really need to think and talk this through with somebody. It'll be a good subject for therapy on Friday. I know I'm not far away from having the resolve and understanding to look out for myself and avoid the stuff that hurts me. But it's definitely not solidified. Thanks for the responses everyone, your feedback really helps.
  3. I've got an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow. I'm in therapy also but it doesn't seem to be doing the job. I think I should try a different therapist that might be more helpful. I've done a good bit to be more well and a lot that has been bad for me. I've lost 30lbs in the last 6 months by starting to run again and eating better. I've been playing music with friends and we've got almost 30 min of solid music written. I earned 15 credits toward a new major in college last quarter which is awesome since I haven't been a full time student very much at all in the last 5 years. I went to India and had a positive experience reconnecting with family. I've also been drinking and smoking weed lately. And there's a lot of evidence it's destabilizing me. I've been neglecting to take my meds regularly too. I keep making the same mistakes, but I think i'm finally catching on a little to how I actually work and what helps me. Time will tell how much I've actually learned.
  4. I feel like I am a fake. This is really hard for me to articulate clearly. I want to express this and just get it out so sorry it's fragmented. I can't keep denying things about myself. I believe i am so much more functional and awesome than I really am. I am really really unwell. I can and probably will keep rationalizing away and ignoring facts about myself. I am very much cold and dead inside. I've sold my soul 10,000 times and I wonder if it can really be regained. I am just a bag of approval seeking needs. I have such a need to fit in and belong when I don't. I don't know what to do - I feel like Tom Ripley only I haven't murdered people. I am a leech. I only say things other people have said. I don't do or say anything authentic. I just repeat and mimic other people. The only opinions i express are other peoples that i've heard. I don't have any of my own. I'm never being real. I am so crazy, the task of undoing all this craziness is so daunting. I can't make sense of my mind. I can't stop trying to make sense of my mind. I feel like the solution is to just get lost in something outside of my head. Just do something i want to do. I am sick of being fake and sick of being this way. Even this isn't really authentic. Even posting this is not real. There's no emotion left to me. I am dead inside. i am utterly wasted and dead inside. I am hollow empty and worthless. I am nothing. I am so utterly confused. I have no idea what's real and what's not. I have no idea how to be authentically me.
  5. You express yourself really well. I know the battle yiu experience. It's really familiar i witness it in me everyday these days and its really draining and consuming. you are courageous and awesome though just by being you. There's really nothing you can do about being amazing.
  6. I feel the same way at night. But i am convinced i need to suck it up and take them. I talked to a doc and it doesn't make sense to not take the meds as prescribed. regardless of how annoying or sucky it is.
  7. I agree. I think it's more selfish to demand someone stay alive so that they don't get hurt by losing you. A teacher I like talks to suicidal people by first of saying great, okay you want to kill yourself, now let's talk about it. No preaching or judging about how you shouldn't and all the people it would hurt. That's all a lot of bullshit to me. Not that it's the best decision or a smart one. But I think people really don't want to know that something's wrong. They just want to pretend everything is fine.
  8. I've done it a bunch on meds and it's usually made everything a lot worse. When I'm high I think i've suddenly learned everything i need to know to get better. But really it hasn't been useful or fun and me figuring everything out doesn't turn out to be true. I liked it for awhile but I wasn't really doing that well with it even when i thought i was. That said i'm with VE. You never know, it could be enjoyable or helpful. I would give a small amount a try with some real friends you trust and see what happens.
  9. Hilarious, this is from the wikipedia that you linked to: Quoted from Dr. Julie Holland: "Not only are MDMA related cases a small percentage of all drug-related emergency room visits, but a large percentage of MDMA cases are not life-threatening. In a recent study conducted by the physicians in the Emergency Department of Bellevue, (Rella, Int J Med Toxicol 2000; 3(5): 28) regional hospital ecstasy cases phoned into the New York City poison control center were analyzed. There were 191 cases reported during the years 1993 to 1999 inclusive. This is a rate of fewer than thirty cases per year. 139 cases (73%) were mild and experienced minor or no toxicity. The most commonly reported symptoms were increased heart rate (22%), agitation (19%), and nausea and vomiting (12%). In these seven years, only one ecstasy-related death was reported, which was due to hyperthermia, or overheating. Ecstasy is simply not the "killer drug" the media would like us to believe." [33] Everything i read from that article suggests MDMA really isn't that bad for you. The first major problem listed, hyponatremia is preventable with gatorade... It says be careful if you have diabetes, a heart condition or something that could be exacerbated by a stimulant. But they say as with any stimulant people with these conditions should be warned. As long as you know it's a stimulant, which all people know just by common sense, you've pretty much had the warning you need. Also i read in there that most deaths with MDMA usually involve a blood content of 40 times the average recreational dose...
  10. I love the huge amount of judgment you lay on there in your post VE. It's so helpful and useful to the person who is actually posting here, who seems to have gotten some benefit from the drug. What is a substance that you imply is not justifiable to be used and what is a medicine for MI is actually more of a blurry line than you take into account. Somehow using Benzos daily at high doses doesn't count as substance abuse, but someone who's desperate having already tried legal meds turning to MDMA is obviously someone to be shunned, who is just "short-circuiting their brain for pleasure". Btw some therapists use small amounts of MDMA when they give therapy. It helps them get more connected to their patients. I don't think it's wise to use it very often or in really high doses, since I know that can give you sleep apnea which sounds like bad news for MI, since sleep is so crucial for being mentally healthy. Does your doctor know that you're doing this? If you need to it might be worth it to find a doc who is more open minded and tell him/her that this has benefited you, and what all your experience has been. That would be good information for them, and maybe they could work something out that would give you the benefits you are seeing with MDMA. APs and AAPs often have terrible, unworkable side effects, potentially much worse than anything you'd get with MDMA. I've tried Molly once and I didn't really feel anything on it. I didn't feel extra excited or connected with people. I think it may have been because I was already on meds when I tried it. I don't know for sure. Maybe my expectations were too high. Anyway good luck, I hope you feel well soon regardless of how it happens.
  11. Yeah i agree, I think trying to control your thoughts into happiness is lame and total crap. That's not at all what this is about. it's more just taking a look at our psychological functioning. They would say that your feelings come from your thinking, but all you need is to NOTICE that rather than try to change the content of your mind. That's what's fundamentally different about this, is it never tries to tinker with what specific types of thoughts you're having. It's more focused on "mood education". And now that I say that I think these guys would teach that our moods can't really be controlled. It sorta sounds contradictory but if you look into it it gets clearer. Someone actually asked the question you are talking about on their blog, they asked how feeling tired had anything to do with thinking. Here's the link if you're interested- http://www.pranskyandassociates.com/blog/news/is-every-feeling-a-thought-what-about-feeling-tired/ I know that guy talks really slow, personally i like him but i could see how he would seem smug or annoying.
  12. Maybe there are more similarities than I thought. Truthfully i don't know CBT all that well, I just know that this approach doesn't dive into past trauma or bad memories. It doesn't try to tinker with what thoughts you're having, just tries to show you how thinking/moods actually work. Like I said I don't know CBT that well, so maybe this is more similar than I recognize. From what I understand this is different in its fundamentals and its general approach, but like I said I don't know CBT, so maybe it's not as crazy revolutionary as I thought.
  13. My understanding is limited, but i can tell you it's helped me a lot to understand the principles they're talking about. It's helped me gain a lot more insight into moods and human psychology. To answer your question I don't think people can control their moods. For me it just helps to know that it's coming from me not from my circumstances. I feel less powerless during the times I notice that my depression is really coming from my thinking, even if it's not totally conscious. it comes from the thoughts I choose to believe in the moment. -Edited to add: I don't think our thoughts are truly voluntary. I think we don't have control of the gas pedal really, and we kinda have the brakes sometimes. I think this is about recognizing the nature of thought not steering our thoughts one way or the other. These people i've talked to are seriously the most understanding humans I've ever met. none of this is about judging MI as the fault of anybody who experiences it. I would never say that it's because of weakness or that somehow people should just "cheer up" or "think positive" their way out of depression. Cause that shit sucks. Like i've said this is just about figuring out how our minds work, and it's been kinda cool to gain some insight on it. I think shakespeare said something along these lines really eloquently - Nothing is neither good nor bad, thoughts make it so. It's all about stepping back and gaining some perspective. Seeing how you're not bound to be miserable by your circumstances or your chemistry, in actual truth, was really cool for me. I don't know if i did this justice, but you can take it or leave it. I'd be lying if i said i didn't care what you think but if it's not useful then by all means ignore this.
  14. I think most people who have MI issues, including myself focus really hard on their problems and difficulties rather than on their innate mental health. We all have inherent mental health that we just aren't paying attention to. What they're talking about is actually how our minds work, for all of us not just people who are healthy. It's not at all about thinking your way out of depression, that is absolutely 100% NOT what this implies. It's about recognizing THAT your thinking is where your feelings come from, not something outside yourself, that provides some relief. They would never encourage someone to fight their mood or try and think their way out of depression. They're trying to help people take a step back and observe how the mind is actually functioning. it's an attempt to get some perspective on life and see the connection between what you think and how you feel. Once you see that connection clearly, depression ceases to be pressing, and tends to fade into the background at the very least. This kind of "therapy" is far different than whatever you'll get from the average therapist or common type of counseling. It presents an entirely new paradigm for looking at mental health, and I think if you give it a chance there's a good possibility you'll see some cool results. If you're not interested, that's all good. But watch the video before you comment, I don't mean to provoke anyone or start a debate on whether meds are important or worthwhile. I know meds are miraculous for helping people and they are absolutely a useful part of recovery.
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