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persephonelawson

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About persephonelawson

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  1. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist and take meds, the help I ask is for sharing experiences, maybe someone has experienced something similar and can shed some light on it. Just sharing is the kind of comfort I am looking for. Not like numerology or gematria, but something similar. Thank you for your input
  2. Ok I m a bit scared and need some input. I'm BPII and have had some issue with OCD before, such as counting and some obsessions over numbers and anxiety over odd numbers. I've also had my fair share of obsessions in the past, I'd get completely enthralled by a subject, learn all there is to know about it, could only think about it, buy tons of books about it...bizarre subjects, and then...drop them and forget all about it. But, these last few days I'm going through a very scary experience for me, I'm obsessing over numbers again and became totally fascinated by Math and codes and geometry, then everywhere I went I started making calculations and getting the results to be 9, I came up with some system to add the birth dates of my family members, id numbers and other documents and try to figure it out what results I came up with and what their significance they had and how they related to MY NUMBER. Now, I started making conections to Kabbalah and Jewish mysticism and sacred numbers (an old obsession). Anyways, when I write about it, it sounds totally reasonable and clear to me. I feel this incredible sense of focus and logic, I feel this need to be left alone so I can "work" on this idea, but at the same time - I KNOW it is bullcrap rationally but I can't help feeling that it IS TRUE, it is so hard to explain a feeling...but that's how it is. These "episodes" come and go throughout the day but mostly at night, when they seem to act up. I've spent a few days in, so I haven't really seen any numbers so it quieted off a bit. In the morning, I feel clear and tend not to think about it, but it is always in the back of my head. I wrote a bunch of nonsensical things about it, but when I read it again, it sounds logical to me and yet looney. When I have these feelings, I also experience an incredible calm and relaxation, like I'm in a cloud - floating, figuratively, it feels really good. Then I feel tired and depressed. Now - Here's my question - A) IS THIS DELUSION? B) IS THIS RACING THOUGHTS? C) IS THIS BIPOLAR OR OCD? D) AM i PSYCHOTIC? E) IF I AM DELUSIONAL OR PSYCHOTIC OR MANIC, HOW CAN I REALIZE THERE'S SOMETHIN ODD WITH ALL THIS? AND HOW CAN IT COME AND GO THROUGHOUT THE DAY? Apart from that, I am sleeping ok, eatin little - not much appetite (no eating disorders btw), talk to people, function I'd really appreciate any input.
  3. Hi ALL, I was on lamictal monotherapy for bpII, kept having issues with impulsive behavior/ agressiveness/ ocd like symptoms. Lamictal got raised, pdoc is a big fan of monotherapy but decided to add another stabilizer and chose topamax cause of its supposed calming effects. It did take care of the aggressiveness and the mixed states (most of it) Well, I got into a horrible depressive episode in which I am currently in, with suicidal ideation. 150mg of Wellbutrin was added to the mix. The thing is - and this has happened before (when I took wellbutrin or any other AD), right after taking it, for about 4 hours I get really hyper and it keeps getting worse for the next week and goes on. Is that just psychological or Wellbutrin can induce hypomania even though one is on two mood stabilizers ? Thanks for your input.
  4. I understand and accept what you are all saying. What I expected was more validation, more empathy and not a movie discussion. I trust her judgement when it comes to medication, but it was really hard for me to come out and say - I WANT TO DIE and I expected her to take it a bit more seriously than IT WILL PASS, TAKE THE WELLBUTRIN. Just feeling sensitive. But I understand and agree with you all
  5. Hi there I'm so frustrated. I've been to my pdoc today and got so disappointed. I've been going through a rough period of depression. I feel like I've lost my will to live. I'm not planning my death or anything, but If you told me that the end of the world was tomorros, I'd gladly sit down and wait. It's incredibly painful and scary. I've been through many ups and downs this year and have had many personal and psych issues but this has really been the first period of major depression and suicidal ideation/death obsession in years. I called my t-doc last night and she was quite supportive, she calmed me down and helped me through. Advised me to be sincere and honest with my pdoc and to give her her number so that they could work out a plan to better assist me... Well...pdoc, listened. Just said - it's just a reaction to stress , take some wellbutrin, see you in January, it will pass! Have your t-doc email me, I don't really have time to call her... Oh and what takes the cake - "Have you seen "Melancholia" by Lars Von Trier ? she asked, I said, Yeah ...she said ...excellent portrayal of MDD and Phobic personality disorder huh? That's pretty much how a depressive person feels, like they have led on their feet!" hang in there, you'll be much better in January. wHAT THE F***!!!!!!! sO Sorry guys. Need to vent and hear your words of support. Thank you so much
  6. Hello everyone, I'm P. and I have been struggling with sobriety for a while now. I don't have support in my area - I live abroad, do not have access to meetings (actually have never been to one),. To be honest with you I have a high profile job and live in a community in which there is no such thing as anonymity. I don't know anyone in recovery that I can talk to in moments of addiction related stress. I can talk to my therapist but it's just not the same than sharing with peers who trully have been through it and undertand it. I'm totally clueless when it comes to recovery. I've never received treatment for it, I've never acknowledged my dependence until now. Mental Illness simply came along. Family came along, people mattered, reputation mattered, started working with people/children, basiclly started having something to lose. The addiction ghost went away for a while. Well, not completely because I still drank and still realized that I could binge and was unable to stop after a couple of drinks, I've noticed cravings during really stressful times and also had bouts of craving for street drugs. Everytime I was put on a med that could be abused I kinda did slightly. And I continued using alcohol to a certain degree. Now, 10 years later, I realize I am powerless and have an addiction and really been struggling with my sobriety. I've noticed that I have absolutely no internal deterrents, meaning, I don't do drugs because of my job, reputation and SO. If I didn't have those things I'd definately be doing them. I need help sharing with people who are going through this and thought this could be the right outlet. I'm so sorry I don't know anything about 12 stepping or anything like that. Like I said, it just happened to me. If people feel up to it, I'm looking forward to hearing from you and sharing more about my struggles and history and hopefully help someone in a similar situation. My drug of choice is cocaine. I have also done lots of weed and anything that could be found in a medicine cabinet and could get you high. Oh and of course, alcohol. Please help.
  7. Do you mean, they won't affect the effects of MDMA or they won't prevent any inducing of hypomania ? What mean is that, my Pdoc will absolutely not prescribe me an SSRI because in her opinion it would trigger a hypomanic episode. We tried wellbutrin and Lamictal and I got into a mixed state and had terrible OCD like symptoms. She won't even recommend me drinking red bull for goodness sake! She'll risk prescribing an AD together with a mood stabilizer but doesn't like to do so. In my ignorance I thought MDMA and Cocaine acted in the same receptors as ADs do (but in a pretty f**** up and awful way).
  8. I am far from being a chemistry major, but, if MDMA and cocaine / meth would alter your mood causing euphoria and most likely triggring a manic episode in BPs , wouldnt mood stabilizers block thr high or at least reduce its intensity and thus help with further desire to use ? Same with Aps and Lsd ?
  9. Hi there, I have dealt with this my whole life. I'm BPII and I go through these episodes quite often when I am in a state of dysphoric hypomania. When it is happening, I can't control it, it's almost this feeling that takes over me and I lose all my rationality, and yes, the best way to describe is a temper tantrum. When that happens, the thought that comes to my head is "I want to die, I need to die right now, kill me now" , after some minutes I manage to calm down, but like you, I feel exhausted and drained the rest of the day, like I've cried my eyes out. Things calmed down since I started taking Topamax. Wellbutrin made it much worse. This extreme irritability and rage episodes almost ruined my marriage. I'm slowly getting it back on track, provided I am able to manage it from now on. In my case, I believe it is part of my illness : Bipolar - being a mixed episode, in part it is also a temper tantrum like you said, reverting back to childhood and physical and emotional abuse issues I still haven't dealt with completely. I'm sorry to ask you but, have you ever been diagnosed Bipolar?
  10. Hello everyone, I apologize if this post presents any trigger to anyone or if it seems inappropriate. Obviously mixing any kind of drugs with meds can be very dangerous and not recommended, that being said, I was curious about people's experiences . I haven't taken any drugs since I started using psych drugs, except for alcohol. I've read that some mood stabilizers and antidepressants are being used to treat addiction nowadays (such as Lamictal, Wellbutrin etc), and that makes me wonder if mixing those drugs with cocaine or pot would actually block the effect of said drugs or , if you are currently taking these meds you would actually not feel the need to use. Are any of you currently taking psych meds to treat addiction ? If so, has it helped? Have you taken street drugs (cocaine/weed/meth) while on psych meds and if so, what were the side effects? Thank you for your input.
  11. This is more of a venting/ sharing post than a question but I'd really appreciate your input and sharing. Recently I've been through a lot of stress and I think it might have triggered a depressive episode. What is driving me nuts about it and is really concerning me is that it is not a continuous depressive cloud all day long 24/7. What I feel is, the depression lifts every few hours, and then it comes back violently to almost a suicidal/desperate degree. I can be fine, working, socializing, even participating at an event, at the movies. The moment I go back home, sometimes when I go back to my corner and the socializing ends (at work or with family) the wave comes back again, and it can last anywhere from 15 minutes to a couple of hours. It might lift again, it might last longer. It is horrible and crippling when I feel it, but I can somewhat function in between. And all of this in the space of a couple of hours, maybe four or the longest 6. The way I could describe it, if any of you are a stimulant recovery addict (cocaine for example) it is the kind of horrendous depression that hits you when you come off the high and NEED another hit cause you cannot handle the sadness you feel. I used to do drugs myself, many years ago and actually it got to such a degree of psychic pain that I even considered (stupid thought) quitting meds and running to the next dealer to get rid of the feeling immediately. Could this also be a form of extreme anxiety? Cause I've noticed that it can alternate with feelings of anxiety and the need for mild ocd rituals like brief counting sessions. Sorry for the long post but it is sooooooo desperate and painful. How can this be if I'm on meds? P.
  12. Hello, I've always been confused by this topic and people in my life have always made me even more confused and frustrated. Whenever I fell on a deep depressed episode, I've always heard and was even asked by my pdoc : Is something going on in your life right now ? What does that actually mean ? Does it mean that if something bad is going on it is NOT an episode, no matter how hard it feels, how hard tough the symptons are, it is just NOT pathological ? It's just LIFE ? If that's the case, meds should not be tweaked then ? and if the problem goes away or gets solved, the episode should also go away right? Or not, if it's actually part of the disease? What came first the chicken or the egg???? it's so frustrating What's your take on it? Thank you so much P
  13. that's me. i can hide being depressed for short periods very well, a few days at a time if i have to, before someone notices. except when the depression is rather deep. then it shows physically, my face actually looks almost like a different person. three times this week people asked me if i was sick with the flu because i "lookl bad". i'm not sick with anything but a really depressive mixed state. but i can act all blah when people think i have the flu, i don't have to fake feeling good heh. I try to fake it as much as I can, but like you guys, mixed states are impossible to hide and actually my social/ professional and family life is on the brink because of it. The thing is - if I fake it when I'm depressed , everything is ok, nobody cares and I'm accepted - no questions asked, it's all cool, but if I'm open - OH NO! here she comes again, the dark cloud! Being open hasn't worked for me. Of course, sometimes things are so out of control that its obvious for most people, I just LOOK obviously depressed and am really paranoid/ aggressive, specially at work. And don't forget - EVERYONE LOVES A HYPOMANIC PERSON, AS LONG AS THEY'RE NOT TOO OBNOXIOUS. That being said, I don't hide my feelings from my psychologist but I do underplay it to my psychiatrist. Now - I just pretend most of the time.
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