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About exl2398

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    politics, meteorology, law, theology, philosophy, reading, mental health

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  1. Idk. I don't see either one of them this week and I don't want to bother them. Part of me thinks I need to be inpatient.
  2. I feel like the only thing that's going right in my life right now is the fact that I quit smoking. I took up vaping, but I still quit smoking. I just ordered 2 pizzas at 11:30 at night. And I ate half of one. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck would I do that? I mean not even an hour before that I had eaten 12 stuffed pretzel bites. And a couple hours before that I ate dinner. And about a half an hour after dinner I finished off one of the side dishes. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I've gained like 20 pounds in the last 2 months. 15 of it in the last month. Tomorrow night I start 3 milligrams of Rexulti. It's a step up dose that I will be taking for two weeks before I see my psychiatrist again at the end of the month. At that time he will give me a prescription for the actual dose. As I said in another thread I have been hallucinating on and off. I hadn't been able to start the medication because I only had a 2 week supply of it. Hopefully starting up the step up dose of the medication will stop those. While I got out of the house today, it did not really change my mood state. But it was a good thing. One of my friends, who was actually a former professor of mine, took me out to lunch. It was nice of him considering I have already spent all of my money for this month and I'm only halfway through it, not even halfway through it. Only 13 days into my pay cycle. I'm on disability. I don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I go back and forth between sleeping all day and sleeping half the day away and having suicidal thoughts and being all like fuck the world and getting mad for no reason. To be honest, I think that the inauguration of that Hitler like mother fucker might be playing some part in this, because I have been depressed since basically the beginning of November, because I kind of figured that he would win because of all the stuff that was happening to Hillary. And I don't want to turn this into a political topic, but I really can't stand the idea of him being the president of this country. I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my benefits. I'm afraid that I'm going to have no income or insurance and I haven't been in the workforce since 2009 and I think I'm unemployable. I basically think he's going to ruin my life. And I don't know how to stop thinking like that so I'm pretty sure that he has something to do with this. But he can't be all of it. I don't think that Donald Trump can possibly make me over eat everyday. Or not sleep through the night. Or hallucinate. Or get suicidal. He can definitely make me feel like I'm going to be in a fucked-up place soon enough because of whatever policies he put in place but he can't run me mentally. He can't fuck up my brain. And I can't really place what has made me be in this place mentally. You know what I mean? Like why do I not want to get out of bed in the morning? What makes me want to die? I don't understand. In another thread I told you guys about the problems I was having with my father. I know that that probably plays a role in it too. I don't know if that plays a large role in it, probably only the Sleep issue. But I don't know. All I know is that I'm discombobulated as fuck. And I don't know what to do about it. Another problem I've been having is that I have not been very Med compliant. I used to be religious about taking my medication but lately I have been having a hard time taking it even though I don't plan not to take them. If that makes sense. Like my Medbox will run out and I just will not fill it again. Not for a couple of days. And I really tend to think that my medication doesn't work. I don't know. What do you guys think?
  3. Hell I hardly ever leave the house.
  4. I would lie about where the bruises came from if I went IP. I don't need the drama that would bring into my life. I'd tell them the same lie I told my mdoc. A stair broke that I was walking up and it banged my leg up. More details ensued because the more details you have the more believable you are. The only reason I even had the idea for that story is because one or our stairs did break when my friend was walking up them earlier this past year. Perfect story. I think. And I'd use it again. I don't need my dad getting pissed off at me for telling. I just woke up a few minutes ago from about another hour and a half of sleep. And then I hallucinated. Heard a cat meow that wasn't there. Always nice. First time in three days. And it's been cats meowing mostly and idk why.
  5. I don't know. I don't want to talk about what happened but I will. About 2 weeks ago my dad hurt me. We were having an argument over dinner and he threw his shoe at me and hurt my leg somehow and now two weeks later my leg is still swollen up in one spot and bruised in others. I know that I'm going to have to talk about this because the hospital that I go to takes pictures of anything that they see on your body that you come in with because they don't want to be accused of abusing you. Plus the reason why I'm all fucked up right now is because of him. Or at least a lot of it has to do with him. I mean I've been depressed for going on two and a half months now, but I was sleeping ok until 2 weeks ago. Idk. As to holding the knife to my wrist a few weeks ago or whatever, the wound, if you can even call it that, was superficial. It required no treatment. That incident was more of me just trying to calm myself down even though suicidal thoughts were there. A combination of desperation and self hate if you will. This is what my leg looks like this morning. That picture was a few days ago.
  6. I haven't been sleeping very well. Probably for about 2 weeks or so. I sleep on average 3 hours a night. I know the reason for this but I really don't I want to talk about it. I lied to a doctor about it already, but I did talk to my therapist and my psychiatrist about it. My psychiatrist doesn't really talk about things on a therapy level so I don't know what he really thinks about it. But my therapist thinks I had some part in it even though I didn't really have a part in it at all. But it's really affecting my ability to sleep. And I've been hallucinating on and off. I've also spent all of my money. So I may be dealing with a Mania thing. Or a I don't know. Basically I don't know because I've been suicidal. I was suicidal last night. Right now I've been spending the last half hour looking at a local Mental Hospital's website. And last night I almost put a knife to my wrist. Earlier this month I did put a knife to my wrist. My life is becoming less worth it.
  7. How can I make the boards go into mobile layout on a tablet? The default is the regular web layout. I'm not a fan of that. It is harder to work with on a touchscreen. Thanks.
  8. I'm actually pretty excited. got my new tablet in the mail today. i only paid 86 bucks for it, and it was well worth the price. its an RCA viking pro 10.1 inch android 5.0 tablet. last month my phone died on me and it took a week to get my phone replaced through the mail and i was hampered without it, though not completely cut off. so, i had to get something to be a backup. the original plan was to not use this tablet much, but i like it, so i may not stick to that plan. the cameras arent much to write home about, but i dont care about that. the tablet itself is excellent.
  9. I hate the new mobile site. I see no way of getting to new content. It makes me want to cry and throw shit. Fuck it.
  10. I'm trying to figure out what reason I have to keep going in this world. I recently did a 2 month stint in a mental hospital, both in IP and outpatient programs, with a total of 12 days IP. I think what I lack in my life is love. Parental love, platonic love, and romantic love. I'm just feeling like checking out. I see no reason to be around. What's the point? I don't even have a tdoc anymore.
  11. I'm kinda in the same boat. I definitely know when my parents die, so do I. My ssdi is up for review, and I'm currently swinging down baaaadly. And i am hearing shit on and off. And I hate my life because I'm a nothing. I have no real advice. I just wanted you to know you weren't alone.
  12. I'm kinda manic. My tdoc had me make an appt with my pdoc. I see him tomorrow morning at 9:40.
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