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  1. I paid a visit to the friend who assaulted me.  He feels terrible, and has not had a drop of alcohol since.  I may not feel like totally forgiving and letting go yet, but I'm feeling good about opening up the friendship again.  


  2. Yes. I feel shame and guilt for asking for help or support from others. I don't want to add to anyone elses stress. I don't want to dump on anybody else the trauma I'm suffering from. I have expressed this to both tdoc and pdoc, and both reassure me it is what they are there for. But still...
  3. I sweat with every intense dream, nightmare or not. These are the dreams I remember. Sometimes I have to change my clothes, and/or wrap a towel around my neck. Any alcohol makes it worse.
  4. I've been on gabapentin for many years. Currently at 1200mg 3X a day. It helps a lot for my anxiety, and somewhat for chronic pain.
  5. I'm thankful that my Pdoc and Tdoc have never used that phrase with me. More helpful is, " that is a horrible thing you went through, and survived." When I went for my first ever pelvic exam, I brought a written note giving a brief overview of my attack to my PA to read before hand. She did say the "sorry that happened to you," but I didn't care at the time. I was too focused on what was about to happen to be bothered with her statement.
  6. I never really thought about this before, but I have had this sort of experience. "Eight steps behind my eyeballs" seems familiar. Sort of like I'm suddenly looking at a movie screen instead of reality. This often happens during a flashback. My Pdoc tells me it's actually a very healthy coping mechanism.
  7. I started slowly with the gabapentin, gradually titrating up over many months.
  8. I've been on 225 mg Effexor for years. It was activating, and panic causing. The addition of gabapentin helped immensely. I also take trazodone which helps me to get to sleep.
  9. Hopped a couple of fences at a nearby historical ranch to give the goats some pets and scratches. Made my day!
  10. I did 2 loads of laundry. Vacuumed a little. Put away dry dishes. Made a chunky salad of beets, red onion, kohlrabi, arugula, goat cheese, and vinaigrette. Took a muscle relaxant for my back, and am now resting with an ice pack.
  11. I also lie about my alcohol consumption. And I also am not alway honest about how I'm doing; I tell them what I thing they want to hear. I've been seeing my tdoc for over 15 years, she often calls me on it. I think I tend to be a little more honest with my pdoc, though. I'm also supposed to call either of them if I'm struggling between appointments, and I very rarely do because I don't want to bother them.
  12. My tdoc and I have given each other gifts over the years. A small vase with flowers, glass insulator, plant seeds, tomatoes and cucumbers from my garden. Just small stuff. She recently gave me a tiny dragon she got in Mexico to give to my honey for his birthday. My pdoc has a painting on his office wall given to him by a former patient. I think our docs recognize the significance of a gift to them. Even just a home-grown tomato.
  13. I had a therapist in high school that my parents sent me to when they found out I was experimenting with drugs. I saw him all though out 11th grade and shared nothing. No connection. After college, I sought out a tdoc on my own. Her office was half a block away from where I was living. I've been seeing her for ~15 years. It took a while, but I found I felt very comfortable with her. She's in her late 70s, and now our sessions are in her home because she's on her way to retirement. Plus she has a couple of dogs that comfort me. I think having common interests and general sensibilities make a good connection with a therapist. I'm aware of the transference/counter transference stuff. She has helped me with many mom issues, and has given me seeds for my garden. In the beginning, I said I have major problems with depression and anxiety. From that, once I was able to share past experiences, she diagnosed me with PTSD. When she does retire, I know I will grieve, but. I also trust her to recommend another tdoc if necessary. good luck on your search. If it doesn't feel right, don't push yourself. S
  14. Heart racing, Shortness of breath, tingling extremities, feeling of doom, stomach ache, racing thoughts, tears, collapse.
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