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Everything posted by shimmeree

  1. I paid a visit to the friend who assaulted me.  He feels terrible, and has not had a drop of alcohol since.  I may not feel like totally forgiving and letting go yet, but I'm feeling good about opening up the friendship again.  


  2. Yes. I feel shame and guilt for asking for help or support from others. I don't want to add to anyone elses stress. I don't want to dump on anybody else the trauma I'm suffering from. I have expressed this to both tdoc and pdoc, and both reassure me it is what they are there for. But still...
  3. I sweat with every intense dream, nightmare or not. These are the dreams I remember. Sometimes I have to change my clothes, and/or wrap a towel around my neck. Any alcohol makes it worse.
  4. I've been on gabapentin for many years. Currently at 1200mg 3X a day. It helps a lot for my anxiety, and somewhat for chronic pain.
  5. I'm thankful that my Pdoc and Tdoc have never used that phrase with me. More helpful is, " that is a horrible thing you went through, and survived." When I went for my first ever pelvic exam, I brought a written note giving a brief overview of my attack to my PA to read before hand. She did say the "sorry that happened to you," but I didn't care at the time. I was too focused on what was about to happen to be bothered with her statement.
  6. I never really thought about this before, but I have had this sort of experience. "Eight steps behind my eyeballs" seems familiar. Sort of like I'm suddenly looking at a movie screen instead of reality. This often happens during a flashback. My Pdoc tells me it's actually a very healthy coping mechanism.
  7. I started slowly with the gabapentin, gradually titrating up over many months.
  8. I've been on 225 mg Effexor for years. It was activating, and panic causing. The addition of gabapentin helped immensely. I also take trazodone which helps me to get to sleep.
  9. Hopped a couple of fences at a nearby historical ranch to give the goats some pets and scratches. Made my day!
  10. I did 2 loads of laundry. Vacuumed a little. Put away dry dishes. Made a chunky salad of beets, red onion, kohlrabi, arugula, goat cheese, and vinaigrette. Took a muscle relaxant for my back, and am now resting with an ice pack.
  11. I also lie about my alcohol consumption. And I also am not alway honest about how I'm doing; I tell them what I thing they want to hear. I've been seeing my tdoc for over 15 years, she often calls me on it. I think I tend to be a little more honest with my pdoc, though. I'm also supposed to call either of them if I'm struggling between appointments, and I very rarely do because I don't want to bother them.
  12. My tdoc and I have given each other gifts over the years. A small vase with flowers, glass insulator, plant seeds, tomatoes and cucumbers from my garden. Just small stuff. She recently gave me a tiny dragon she got in Mexico to give to my honey for his birthday. My pdoc has a painting on his office wall given to him by a former patient. I think our docs recognize the significance of a gift to them. Even just a home-grown tomato.
  13. I had a therapist in high school that my parents sent me to when they found out I was experimenting with drugs. I saw him all though out 11th grade and shared nothing. No connection. After college, I sought out a tdoc on my own. Her office was half a block away from where I was living. I've been seeing her for ~15 years. It took a while, but I found I felt very comfortable with her. She's in her late 70s, and now our sessions are in her home because she's on her way to retirement. Plus she has a couple of dogs that comfort me. I think having common interests and general sensibilities make a good connection with a therapist. I'm aware of the transference/counter transference stuff. She has helped me with many mom issues, and has given me seeds for my garden. In the beginning, I said I have major problems with depression and anxiety. From that, once I was able to share past experiences, she diagnosed me with PTSD. When she does retire, I know I will grieve, but. I also trust her to recommend another tdoc if necessary. good luck on your search. If it doesn't feel right, don't push yourself. S
  14. Heart racing, Shortness of breath, tingling extremities, feeling of doom, stomach ache, racing thoughts, tears, collapse.
  15. Glad the car is working out for you! I drive a '92 Subaru Legacy wagon. It's a little wiggly without extra weight in the back, so we keep a bunch of gear packed. I live on the CA coast, and we just took a trip to Tahoe. It was a test, though it's also made it up to Oregon. Tomorrow I'm taking her back to the sierras for a camping trip. I'm nervous to be doing the drive by myself, but looking forward to the destination. We named our car Frankie, after Frankenstein, because she has a lot of parts that are not original. I'm bringing music I can sing to, and I am a careful driver. But making this trip alone has my anxiety on fire. my dad has a big Dodge Ram pickup that was for hauling a horse trailer. I honestly felt safer riding high up in that. Anyway, safe travels! Getting used to a vehicle is key.
  16. I don't have any questions, just want to share. I'm 39 and have been suffering for ~25 years. Finally with MediCal, I've been able to get some help in the last couple of years. The pain has always been my lower back, but in recent years it's also in my neck. All spinal. I also have general knee pain. I was taking up to 1800 milligrams of Advil and 1000 mg of Tylenol daily. Not a good combo with psych meds in terms of liver and kidney damage. I went to my doctor and got a referral for MRIs for both my lumbar and cervical spine and found that I have extreme disk loss; advanced for my age (Oh Joy!) I've even lost almost an inch in height. I've been to neurologists for this and was told my only options besides surgery were physical therapy and epidurals. I started with the PT and later had 2 sessions each of epidurals in my lumbar and cervical spine. The weirdest were the neck ones. The Doc inserted a tube into the base of my neck and up inside the spinal canal to the base of my skull, releasing the steroids through my spine as he retracted it. The PT was great! But I haven't followed through with doing exercises at home. Bad me! The epidurals were supposed to last about 6 months, and it has been over a year. They are just starting to wear off, so when my summer schedule lets up, I'm going to ask for more. And more PT. And try to step up at home! I still take 3 ibuprofen if I'm anticipating anything like a long walk, or a long car ride. I was also prescribed up to 20 mg cyclobenzaprine a day ? That would just knock me out! Since it's on automatic refill, I have a huge amount stored because I rarely use it. So gabapentin has helped a little, and PT and epidurals a lot. I'm also doing ketamine assisted therapy with my psychiatrist about every other month for PTSD. It has helped with my depression, and also with the pain. Every little bit helps, but the pain never completely goes away. Sometimes I can't sleep because of it, sometimes I just break down and cry. Chronic pain really sucks the life out of me sometimes. It can be so detrimental to my mental health, but I'm trying to manage in any way I can, and asking for help which is a very big deal for me. Anyway I just wanted to share a little of my journey. S
  17. Saw a rainbow today! Admittedly by a window crystal... When did you last have rain?
  18. Fucking sad and pissed off at Anthony Bourdain. Stupid way out, and leaving a void. Loved the guy.
  19. Thank you for that. Had a couple of shots today, and now I'm just crazy irritable. Everything and everyone around me is pissing me off. argh.
  20. This was about a month and a half ago. Drunkenly fell face first into a glass door. Major forehead contusion that leaked into both eye sockets leading to double black eyes. I told both my tdoc and pdoc that I'd tripped on the doormat. That was true, but I didn't mention the booze involved. I didn't lose consciousness, but my left eyesight was blurry for a week. Mentioning that to my pdoc, he said I was probably concussed. You'd think that was a wake up call, but no. Even landing my car upside down and being arrested for DUI 10 years ago didn't stop me. I lost my stepdad in October. He was 30 years sober, and very active in AA. I feel like my alcoholism is such a disservice to him. My missing him makes me want to drink. How fucked up is that? anyway...
  21. All I can do is drink. Pdoc won't prescribe benzos because of my addictive history. Sucks.
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