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Miss Blue

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About Miss Blue

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    computers, animals, other crap.

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  1. I'm back, you lovely bunch. 😙

    1. saintalto


      Welcome back. 

  2. I wanted to post an update. My pdoc diagnosed my mother with bipolar and gave her some scripts. Can you get bipolar later in life? She's thinking she might have had it all along, and the high stress right now brought it out.
  3. I have this too. If I don't knock myself out with sleep aids there's no way I'm getting to bed before 5 AM. Of course, I can sleep all I want during the DAY.. but as soon as that clock hits 11PM I'm suddenly wide awake instead of the groggy mess I was moments earlier. Sucks SO BADLY.
  4. I don't think an hour goes by in the day that I don't wish I was a little kid again. I know why at least. When I was 4, 5, 6.. my life was secure. My mom had it together. There was never any uncertainty about what the future was going to bring. Now, it seems like the only thing I have is uncertainty. About my mother. About if I'm going to be able to support myself. If I'm going to be able to find a job.. the list goes on and on. I just get so mentally exhausted of always worrying that my brain has made some kind of coping mechanism where I just mentally reminiss about what I would be doing right now if I was 5 instead of 29. I still live in the same house and with the same people as I did at that age, so it's really easy to. If I'm in bed I'll even shut my eyes and pull the sheets over and fantasize about what lfie would be like if I was 5 again... It seems to blot out the constant WORRYWORRYWORRY that's always present in my head.. but of course when stop my little fantasy I'm just depressed again.. since you can't ever go back. I'll sometimes play memories I have as a child in my head as a way of therapy. It seems to calm me down while I'm doing it. Looking at pictures from my childhood brings a really bittersweet sensation to my mind. It's soothing, because I can see a time where I had so much going for me and life hadn't totally fallen apart, but then depressing, because I realize I can never get back to that time again.
  5. Hey guys. thanks again for all the support, and dreadohdreads for that awesome link. I still have so much crap going on at the minute that I can't reply in detail.. and I feel like I need to start a new thread about something that's been on my mind.. but thank you. When my brain is halfway normal again (whatever that is for me) I'll be sure to address all of you in more detail. Thank you so much.
  6. Thank you for all your kind words. I woke up this morning and went straight into another anxiety attack over the entire thing again. It's so f*cking frustrating because logically I know I'm mentally just re-hasing the same old bullsh*t but I can't stop doing it. It's horrible. Brokendishes, where do you live? Seriously. lol. lysergia, I've always assumed Tdoc stands for Therapist doc, so sadly no I don't have one of those. But I have the kind that gives you meds. lol. And she listens to my crap, so she's kind of a stand in therapist at times. But, I really need to see an actual therapist I think, because this anxiety over the future is just escalating horribly. What you said here really caught my attention: CBT helps me identify the thoughts that are true in the present, versus the thoughts that are distorted about both the present and future. then i can proceed to act on the things that will help me feel competent instead of anxious and doubtful, and leave the gloomy predictions about what may or may not happen behind. I really need to look into CBT. I have never tried it but I think that could really help, since it seems like you suffer from the same kind of sensation of being paralyzed with fear over the future as I do. Thank you for bringing that up, I am going to look into that. AnneMarie, thanks for the kind words too. What's stupid is that hearing people tell me to do research just makes my anxiety go through the roof. It's probably because if I do research, half of it is horrible doomsdayish talk, but then again, I find that when trying to research anything about jobs, the economy, and the unemployment rate. It's gotten to a point where I get so anxious over it I actively avoid putting myself in a situation where I could run into one of my triggers (those doomsday naysayers that say everything is done for that you often find in the comment section of articles). I worry about being able to just finish what I have left. My grandpa is currently helping me with that and I know if he wasn't here I'd have to get a full time job (most likely minimum wage) just to make ends meet. If my mom isn't on disability at that point.. well I don't know what the f*cking hell we'll do because there's no way in hell I can support her as well as myself. Hell, I'm going to have a seriously hard time just keeping myself from starving if I'm on my own. Even factoring in the my meds, 10 bucks for my birds food a month, shelter, and electricity, I don't think I have the money to make ends meet. It would of course mean probably throwing away my health insurance.. dunno how I'd make car insurance.. it's just a very very scary idea and it's there looming in the back of my head like a nightmare just waiting to strike. Sorry, I'm just in a horrible mood right now.
  7. so i just came down from a huge hypervenalating session.. and worried im gonna work myself up again. I think I need to give a quick background of my situation so this makes sense. I'm 29. i have an associate in graphic design. I have about a year left until i have a bachelors in graphic design. my mom has three degrees (occupational therapy, speech therapy and social work) and has been unemployeed for about 8 years and is dealing with issues of her own. ive lived with my mom and my grandparents my entire life. my grandpa is now 88, my grandma 85, my mom 59. we're all in metro detroit, michigan. i have a gappy employment history with nothing lasting over a year, if you don't count my internship that im at now (unpaid, it's a one person business (my boss)). Over the last few months, my anxiety has skyrocketed. I've started having almost daily anxiety attacks. The major thing that triggers me is dread of the future. I think if I write this down it'll help.. it usually does. So the big factors I panic about are: 1. that I've choosen the wrong career, especially for this economy, and that I won't be able to find a job or get hired as a graphic designer, and that I might not even be able to get hired at some minimum wage retail job. 2. that my mom won't be able to support herself, and that there is no way I would be able to support her. I know she does more, but it seems like all she does right now is sit in her room listening to music. At least she started seeing my med doc, and my doc said she can help my mom get on disability. I really hope she'll be able to pull herself out of what's happened, becuase it wasn't always like this. she had a stable job when I was a teenager. Stuff happened that screwed up her life in my mid 20's. 3. what my mom and I will do when my grandparents/her parents are no longer with us. I have laid out a plan, but I still panic. If anything else, both of us get full time minimum wage jobs, and she hopefully will have disability as well. we move to some place that's warm so there's no cold winter, and rent the cheapest 2 bedroom apartment we can find, where the area is semi-decent, and there's jobs. maybe somewhere in texas. So, those are basically the areas that I panic daily over. I think it helped that I wrote it down somewhere. I'd write it in my blog here, but I thought other people would relate to panic over a career in this crap ass economy. I also worry about how our state of living will be (or whatever it's called). I also get really depressed because I did really well in h/s and college, and my mom has three degrees and got like 4.0's all the way through.. and the thought that both of us will end up working at some minimum wage jobs is beyond depressing. I think back to something I said to myself at my first job as a library page when I was 16 ("well, this is just a JOB, not my CAREER") and I start crying because I think, I might just end up back in that very same kind of job again, 20 years later. I think I'm not looking at things logically when I get like this. I know my mom's situtation has affected me in a huge way. I also know the last time I tried finding any kind of job (cashier, etc) was around 2009-2010, which was the height of unemployment in Michigan. Now, the rate is slowly going back down (it's at 9% now I think, back in 09 it was at 14%, I think the highest it ever went was 15%.) My grandpa says its cause everyone's leaving Michigan (lol) but even if that is the case.. eh it leaves a bit more jobs open for the rest of us left here, right? I guess it just boils down to the fact that I'm freaking out that I won't be able to get hired and have a job that pays enough to live off of, and what to do if my mom is with me.
  8. Hi guys. Thanks so much for all the replies. I want to say more, but I'm dealing with an anxiety attack atm and can't think straight. When I've calmed down I'll get back to you all.
  9. I have SUCH a hard time shutting my brain off as soon as the clock strikes 11PM. It's like the floodgates are opened and all the worries I have just come piling out into my brain and it's impossible to shove them back into their nice little 'ignore me' package I usually have them in during the day. I'm constantly freaking over being able to get a job, my mom's future, my grandparents, turning 30 in less than a year and not having a hubby or a baby and never finding anyone who will love me.. the list goes on and on... the biggest fears are the job and my mom though. I hate it because there's no knowing for sure since it's all in the future. At night, all these things come out and sometimes I start feeling hte beginnings of a minor panic attack. Other times, I just get a huge ball of anxiety right behind my sternum. My xanax tolerance has gone up again so it's not helping me either which is ANOTHER thing that's making me crabby and frustrated. It also doesn't help that the internet never sleeps, and one thing I've learned, is that you NEVER EVER EVER look up something on the internet if you're in worry mode. There's a 99% chance what you will find will only make everything seem 10x worse. Horror stories abound. I'm a new grad and have been out of work for almost a year....the % of new grads making minimum wage rises 70% this year... getting a degree might not even be worth it anymore now... the list goes on and on and on. How do you guys get your brain to STFU (pardon my french) during the night? It's the worst sensation ever. Not only does my worry go through the roof, I end up with insomnia and then I'm a freaking zombie the next day.
  10. I'd look for another one too. Also, people act differently around different people. Or at least, I do. It's not a 'face' or a 'front' I put on... it's more like... I adjust subconsciously to how their personality is. If it's a super outgoing person, I'm more outgoing myself. If they're real introverted, I become more introverted.
  11. Oh yeah, i forgot about my stupid meds too... and my health/car insurance.. ARGH. I'll end up having to lose the health insurance probably and budgeting 10 dollars a month for ramen. I know it.
  12. Thanks LifeQuake. It's comforting to know other people know what I'm going through. It's the most horrible feeling in the world for me, because I have no freaking idea what the hell the future holds. I'm not even thinking at this point of landing my dream job. I just want to be able to get a job where I'm able to have enough money to pay rent, EAT, pay 10 bucks a month for my two cockatiel's food, and hopefully have a flipphone. And if life was wonderful, the internet.... lol.
  13. So in about 6 months I'll have finished my bachelor's in Graphic Design. I live in the metro Detroit area in Michigan. Right now I'm terrified I won't be able to find a job. The last time I tried, which was around 09, I applied to tons of places that were just plain retail, Khols, Old Navy, Sears, JCPenny... the list goes on and on. I got an interview at Old Navy, didn't get the job. 8 years ago, I applied for a job at sears and got it right off the bat. I'm so worried the job market is STILL just as horrible as it was in 2009, or that there are 100 people competing for ONE freaking job... Even jobs in retail or as waitressing! I'm so worried I'll end up on welfare and not be able to support myself at all. I'm worried about my mom who has been unemployeed for 8 years due to issues. There's no way I can support the two of us. I worry that any graphic design posting I see, even if I qualify, will never give me a call back, because I'll be competing with like 100 other people for it. It's just horrible. It eats at my mind constantly and sometimes I have panic attacks over it. I'm living with my grandparents now, and my mom, but they're getting old and I have no idea how the hell I'll support my mother AND myself when we're on our own... At least she's seeing someone who can medically diagnose her with what her issue is, and hopefully get her on SSI or SSDI. I just don't know how I'll be able to live on 9 bucks an hour.. and after taxes and all.. it's more like 6.50... it's like choose to pay rent, or choose to eat. God.
  14. UGH. My mom has issues and has been unemployeed for nearly eight years. She also has not applied for any SSI or SSDI yet. At first, she saw it as a huge afront to her person, but now she might come around. She still wants to get a job, but she keeps jumping around on what she thinks she has. For a while it was bipolar, then it was PTSD, then it was a brain injury from hitting her head. She's seeing someone now, so thankfully they'll be able to diagnose her medically. This makes me really really worried. I'm worried about how I'll support just MYSELF... i keep thinking I'll most likely end up on minimum wage even though I have a degree in graphic design.. and there's no way i'd be able to support her as well if she doesn't pay half of all our expences like rent, food, etc.
  15. Sometimes an overly detailed outline can work against though. I don't know what the subject is, which would help a lot in knowing how to approach the manner.. but sometimes even the simpliest outlines can help the best. People say the worst part of something is starting, an I whoelheartedly believe that. I'm glad to see you started, which is a big hurdle a lot of people have to over come. Let us know if we can help you at all.
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