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    Chasing Rainbows...

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  1. Apparently my doctor doesn't think me being manic is a problem.  Wat.

  2. On a scale of 1 to even, I can't

  3. Buh-bye, Zyprexa.  Hope the withdrawals don't suck, but I'll be glad to be rid of it.

  4. My college is currently making my MI so much worse.  Wrecking my dreams, screwing with my financia aid...I had hope and some excitement for this coming year but all I have now is shredded dreams, regret, and contempt.

  5. I'm using the 10 mg tablets. They had given me a bottle of them at the center but the seal was punctured so I wound up using the Rx she called in to my pharmacy instead. And I am SUPER sensitive to medications, and often prone to paradoxical reactions. Vistaril makes me more awake, Geodon made me fucking fat as hell, and so on. I'm going to try to get through to the nurse again in the morning, especially since I started getting some nasty akathisia this afternoon. Hopefully she can do something, or at least document it all so if I do say "fuck this shit" and go off it, there's reason why and not me just being a non-compliant pain in their asses. This really is a horribly timed nightmare. If I can't get what I need to get done for college done, I'll pretty much be tossed out on my ass.
  6. Zyprexa and I are definitely NOT friends.  I keep looking at the bottle and wishing it would disappear.

  7. I guess she really does want my problems to stop ASAP since I'm almost NEVER manic. This is a huge departure for her, too. She has never been this aggressive with my medications, especially since I have earned the reputation of having the medication tolerance of a two year-old. I can't do milk because I'm lactose intolerant, but I've tried taking the Zyprexa both with and without food and it doesn't seem to make a noticeable difference, although it's still a small sample size at this point. Either way leaves me with nausea and GI cramps and regardless of the time I take it, I'm so borked out I'm useless for about 80% of the day. I keep hoping that I'll hear back from the nurse soon because this isn't something I can deal with while I'm supposed to be trying to write two major lab reports and prepping for five exams. The last thing I want to have to do is stop taking this stuff AMA, especially since my pdoc threatened me with the hospital last week, but this stuff is doing such a number on my focus and memory recall that I can't even separate the amino acids from the DNA base pairs right now.
  8. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd call my current state. I'm so spaced out on this stuff that it's hard to tell how I feel, plus every time I would normally feel emotions (like watching a funny video or hearing a song that makes me cry normally) or try to recall anything complex (like anything from Biochem or Orgo), I'm getting headaches and brain zaps. The only thing I feel right now is miserable. I called my pdoc's office yesterday and talked to the nurse, she was going to try to contact my doctor and then call me back once she heard from her. Heard nothing today and I'm not expecting much from them now since my pdoc won't be in that office again until mid August and her only day in the other office is Wednesdays. This is absolutely horrible timing because I have several assignments due before the 31st and being a borderline zombie with GI issues isn't really going to work for that. I've been taking it a couple of hours before bed to try to minimize the downtime during the day but it hasn't helped.
  9. It came out of nowhere. I was literally in the deep holes of my depression, then out of the blue, I started noticing myself getting really impulsive and agitated and not sleeping and my tdoc was like "You do realize you're manic, right?" and then there I was, in the pdoc's office getting handed a bottle of Zyprexa.
  10. I think my all-time worst has been six nights. Admittedly, I was traveling and it was chaotic, but I should have been sleeping at night in the hotel, but my brain was like "hahah nope". Normally it'll be 24-36 hours without sleep. And this is where I'm hopeful that my psychiatrist NEVER sees this sort of talk from me because she's already busting out the Zyprexa when my "normal" sleep level is 2-3 hours a night. >_>
  11. The pdoc started me out at 10 mg once a day and her instructions look like she wants me to go up to 15. This stuff is making me feel like a total zombie and I can't remember fuck all, which is not a good thing when I have exams to take and lab reports to write. :\
  12. So I started going manic for the first time in several years and as a result, my pdoc decided to prescribe Zyprexa for me since we're kinda at the bottom of the barrel of what meds are left. Since I started taking it, I've been in hell. My stomach has decided to revolt on me and I'm getting both nausea and practically living on the toilet because I can't even trust a fart right now. I feel very flat and zombie-like, and any time I would normally feel emotions, it makes my head hurt on top of the general headaches it's already causing. It's also making me sleepy as all hell no matter what time I take it and I wind up spending most of the day in bed. I'm also having memory recall issues, which is definitely NOT good for a college student. This stuff is hell and I'm fighting myself over whether or not it's worth it. I'm not even sure if I'm still manic or not because I'm in bed either nodding off or trying to avoid rousing the GI beasts. Has anyone else had this severe of a reaction to Zyprexa? Did it ever go away, did you just deal with it, or were you pulled off it?
  13. I currently go to a smallish state college, previously attended another university in the state system and have used both counseling and disability services at both schools. In both places, these are separate entities, however they can talk to each other with appropriate releases as needed. The way that disability services worked at both schools was mostly the same. After being accepted, I went to their offices with documentation from my pdoc and met with their director to discuss what happens when I'm approved. In both cases, I pick up letters at their office during the first week of classes to take to each of my professors. I'm allowed extended time + non-distracting environment on exams and also either a note-taker or the ability to record lectures. The letters only stated my approved accommodations, did not disclose what my conditions are. I had to discuss the logistics of how things like lab practicals and exams would work, then both the professor and I signed it and they had to retain it for their records. Whether I disclosed anything to my professors is totally up to me, and there are professors where I have given details to, while I've not said a thing to others. The main difference between the two schools is in the scheduling of exams proctored by their offices for extended time and non-distracting environments--the previous one had an online form we could fill out to tell them who the exam was for and when we needed to take it, but my current school only schedules them if you call them or go into their office in advance. Overall, they've been super helpful both for dealing with these accommodations and other issues that cropped up where my disability was going to be problematic. I've also used the counseling/psych services at the schools extensively since my pdoc/tdoc's office is clear across the metropolitan area and it's a minimum of an hour drive each way. My previous school's offices were much larger--they had counselors both with doctoral degrees and interns from the larger universities in the area and a visiting pdoc that came around, but the current school has no pdoc at all and only hires counselors with doctoral degrees. I've been in counseling both at the old and new school and it has been super helpful because they're more in touch with the needs of an MI patient as it pertains to academia whereas my usual pdoc and tdoc have little to no experience with it. I've had the tdocs here intervene in situations where I've been bordering on a crisis and they've gone to bat to help me get extensions on assignments and given me an excuse note for the days that I REALLY needed to see someone and had to skip class to do so. I would say that for me, without a doubt, despite the headaches and snags that have happened along the way, it has been 100% worth it. I honestly would be failing all of my classes and probably dropping out without both offices.
  14. As someone who went back after a long span away and is currently juggling two majors and a minor, I highly recommend dipping your feet into the pool before you jump in. If you can continue your major in Mandarin part-time first and possibly take an econ course on the side to see how it feels, you might be able to make a better decision on whether or not you can handle a double major. A minor can also be an option, as could getting a second bachelor's in econ. Double majoring is especially painful towards the end of the degrees when all you have left is upper level classes. Some of my semester loads have definitely tested my stress and time management skills and pushed me to the point that I've broken. Also remember that the ADA covers psych conditions as well as physical--talk to your doctors and the Office of Disability Services at whatever school you go to about requesting reasonable accommodations. I get extra time on exams and a non-distracting environment, as well as permission to have a note-taker or record lectures.
  15. I've been so gone that I figured that I should probably reintroduce myself, since I have no clue who's still here that would even remember me. My profile is also woefully out of date, and eventually I'll get around to that and finding a way to condense everything that has gone on into digestible blog posts. I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet here after making a triumphant return to college in 2014, and I'm still in college and fighting like hell to be able to finish this degree and move on to what comes next. Some things have changed, but some remain the same. I'm still a stubborn AF Jersey Girl at heart, I'm struggling with my bipolar disorder and the side dishes of ADHD, panic disorder, and PTSD that came along with it, and I'm still as snarky and sarcastic as ever. My laundry list of medications has gotten even longer and has now actually caused an NP to throw her hands in the air and tell me that she literally doesn't know what to do with me. I still have the curse of at least one pdoc or tdoc leaving on a yearly basis. So yeah, hello again to any familiar faces and nice to meet any new ones who happen to read this!
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