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About Halluci_Nationwide

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    Dead Shape Figure

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  • Location
    portsmouth, england
  • Interests
    music (all types of metal) bit of grime (british rap), hardcore, bit of punk, hardstyle, girls, animals, serial killers, insanity and alot more

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  1. For those that dont know about these things, http://en.wikipedia....Dermatillomania http://en.wikipedia....orphic_disorder !!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!!! could be a TRIGGER, i dont know. Hello lovely people, its only over the past few days ive realised that i do actually engage in a form of self harm. Not your typical, common type, but self harm none the less. Ive picked the skin off my fingers since as long as i can remember but its only over the last year that its moved to other parts of my body and it gets very extreme. Youll all probably think im a nutter and i dont blame you, but i literally CANNOT stop doing it. Its sooooo satisfying its unreal! Thats not all, carry on reading. I havnt told my doctor about it because i thought it was just a kind of 'side effect' of OCD, not a disorder in itself. Im going to when i see him next which is on the 12th february. Basically what I do, is stick a knife as far into my skin as my pain threshold lets me and just rip it away, its incredibly, INCREDIBLY painful but i cant stop. Its moved from my fingers to pretty much every area on my feet, it looks disgusting and it drips blood like a tap, today it was to the extent where i psyhically couldnt walk, i also do it on my scalp. It leaves dry blood patches, callouses and makes every day things very painful. Today ive spent pretty much all day doing it and my feet are red raw, one foot is down to the 6th layer of skin. It interferes with daily life and it is actually an addiction, pathetic i know. Anyway, was just wondering if anyone has any experiance with this, or any adivce on how to stop until i see my doctor. Sorry for the vileness.
  2. You know it man, you know it. Seen em plenty of times sober and its just depressing, i also feel like no matter how desperately you try and chase that first time, you never get close and never will. Thanks for the advice, wasnt bad at all my friend
  3. Yes and no, i once hallucinated my dead cousin and hung out with her and that was absolutely awesome, but was followed by severe depression beyond beleive once i found out she wasnt real. i spose it depends on the hallucination. 99% have scared the absolute shit out of me
  4. oh no, dont worry you didnt make me think that by what you said, its just how i can relate at such a different age to yours. dont worry bout that my dear!
  5. Reading this scares the shit out of me because it looks as if im taking my first steps down the same road you went down, i can already to relate to some of the things you said and Im only 19.
  6. is it all just a shame, a twist of fate that leaves me open. will it all fade away, from my life and leave me broken

  7. The reply above this one is me, i forgot to sign in. stickler, you had the hammer, and absolutely obliterated the nail on its head! I read everyones reply and you all individually made me happy so thanks again, your all legends
  8. I smoke a bit of weed, but it used to be overly copious amounts, maybe a few times a month, now. Tt used to be every day, but yeah, ive stayed away from other drugs for a year, im on a waiting list for psycotherapy and i have been since september, apprently im not an emergency, even though i tried to knock my self off, i dont do it nealry enough to counteract the precription meds, my doctor knows about everything hes even said that, and that in moderation it can be ok, for some people, which it has been for me, But basically no meds have worked, or no 'psychosis intervention team' which we have around here have worked at all. but thanks for at least answering anyway, didnt think anyone would.
  9. Ok, this is really long but i genuinely need some support.Well basically one of my good mates, who i wont name, also happens to be my herb dealer. And please dont just write me off now because im a 'junkie' cos i cant burden my family with any more shit and i havnt seen my reeeally close mates for about a year and a half now, just the one, and i do it to self medicate because nothing else society has given me has worked, and i have tried quite a fucking lot of bullshit, definately not as much as some people, hell no, i appreciate that, but basically, i havnt ever turned to an internet site before, just dont do it, dnt even use facebook anymore... Anyway he has come round pretty recently over the past 6 months for a bit, just get stoned and play xbox and talk about scatting the hell out because he does to. And ive scatted out a few times before but nothing major to want to turn to an internet site like i said. Anyway he told me has was going out round the pubs with all my good mates, like 12 of em roughly, known some all my life, and i used to be the most outgoing person, fakely confident, but good at it, now i fail, im a complete recluse. I used to go out literally every single day for at least 6 or 7 years. Dont worry we didnt do hideous amounts of chemicals every day, just now and then and only for about 2 or 3 of those years anyway, the other was just smoking herb and hanging out. We were i spose the 'definition' of gang. But we dont have a fucking name, wear bandannas and fight for no reason at all, we were just a large group of people, gang. Sometimes we had like 3 or 4 days parties with loads of people and it was all just so fucking fun, the good memories DEFINATELY weigh out the bads by far, some life memories, for real. Was just such a good time in my life, but i was ill, the whole time and i knew it. But i just didnt even have to think about not being comfortable around them, just wouldnt happen, would never come into my mind, it was just geuine mates hanging out, living life while they can and we are not stupid, not completely... I dunno if anyone reading has experimented with drugs before, like MDMA, mephadrone, mushrooms, some of the happiness and the pure geuine empathy you can have with another person is the most epic thing in the world, just a bit to good. Cos i know, yes - it DOES fuck you up and i have done my fair share of chemical shit so ive stayed away from it for like a year. yay me... but basically these guys are my bred'rin and i miss them soooo bad but i pshycially and mentally cannot see them. Its an actual feeling i just cant. I just stopped like a year and a half ago and havnt seen em since, they ring me all the time and i always dont answer, make excuses and i feel horrible for it theyve kind of stopped now its just this one guy now. Im just so paranoid about everything and theres been some bad, bad drug memorys which if anyone has done before, just the pure awquardness and surrealness and basic insanity of it can be quite frightening, and on the streets of our little pussy village, i suppose, 'ruins your rep', but they all have had experiances like it, it just gets to me, but thats not the only reason and there is waaaaaay to fuckin many to even think about think about writing now, because no one woul wanna hear it. And dont fear, im nearly done, sorry to bore you i know its pathetic, i have so many pathetic experiances with them, my dignity and just been rapped and brutally fucking murdered. But one thing i will say is one of those good mates, who im obviously not gonna name, went pretty insane, genuine schizophrenic. So many upsetting, confusing as absolute fuck experiances with him which messed all our minds up i think, he moved to wales, and well probably never see him again. But it just changed for him one day, he just was different, and we had no understanding of it at all, cos we had no experiance with that situation, we were scared, though they wont admit it, but i now know for that poor, poor matey what he meant, cos it happened to me. Just one day, I can pinpoint it, 28th December 2009. I could see it in there eyes, theye body movement, theyre tone of voice, its was just really surreal. But basically, what this was about was after the guy who came round told me he was going out with all of them, i started scatting out. I have no answer as to why and i could feel it happening, and the just surrealness of it all and i started psyhcially shaking, like really visibly, my lip quivers, my eye fucking tremors, and have to put my hair in front of my face, not like samara fom the ring cos that would scare anyone, but its just like my curtain when i get anxious. But im obviously not looking at them in the eye and that shit is 'wrong' or whatever. Also, my voice just goes all low, quiet and monotone, and people cant hear me and i just cant control it and i just get all agreeable and one sided, and its just pathetic cos they can tell im taking everything really seriously, theyve even said it, but they just dont get it man! not at all and theyre not able to unless they experiance something like a 'mental illness'. They can just tell i want no banter anymore, and no confrontation when i used to love that shit, now it just fucks with my head. Anyway he left, obviously thinking i was just another case of our other friend. Theyve called me by his name just to score points and shit cos thats what the do, and i cant be arsed with that bollocks anymore But basically i dunno why this has happened, everything has actually been going pretty well recently, this is a real downer. and the thing is i just have no idea why, ive been pretty happy for me all day really, i just cant control it. Im just venting, apparently thats what you all do here so i thought id give it a go. I dunno, say what you wanna say but dont flame me down so much that i want to kill my self more then i already do at the moment. And because im paranoid and analyse everything, i know some will think im attention seeking, but think what you will, im genuinely not. I doubt i would actually kill my self, although i did take a pretty hefty overdose in september this year, im just thinking about, more then i think a normal person should. Anyway, like i said, i just dont do this, cant stress enough how unlike this i am. never turned to the internet before, never turned to anyone before. im sorry its so long, if you actually stuck it out, then i appreciate it. thanks for reading, say what you will. Farewell... -BarD-
  10. Yeah my bad was pretty rude. its no excuse but its because i havnt been on my meds for like 3 weeks for a test to see if the psychotic symptons come back and i get insanely angry at everyone, and while i do think what you said was pretty ignorant and wouldnt really encourage someone to come to this site, i am sorry, i just wanna argue with anyone and find any reason to do so, my baaaaad
  11. I had no idea where to post this, cos its not relevant to any subjects. I just thought id let those know that havnt discovered yet that constantly reading up and obsessing over your problems can really make them ALOT worse. Basically the point in this is that its good to a have a break from this site. For example, i was on this site every day for about a week and a half and for that week and a half I was more worried about my problems then normal, and i thought about things, and the anxiety was worse, then i just completely forgot about this site over christmas. Came back to it yesterday and read some of the things i posted, and i seriously realised that if i hadnt been on this site, i wouldnt be worried and thinking about everything so thoroughly. So I just thought id let everyone know, crazyboards can definately be bad for you. Take a break!
  12. I defended you man! :D on your topic, 'attacks ive been having'. That guy is a rude prick

  13. Wow, you sound like such a nice person. Honestly, how could you be so fucking ignorant and rude. Forgive me if im incorrect, but isnt this site for people EXACTLY like this guy, ive heard people on this forum say, 'im just venting' and that is all he was doing. The point in this site is it to share your symptons and 'vent' because you cant do it with anyone else. Your a fucking hypocrite just by being on this site and you make me phsyically sick mate
  14. exactly, if the thing is going to cost $200 why can it not play DVDs. playstation 2 plays DVDs and it's old as hell. it makes no sense.

  15. lol i agree with the wii thing. BLOODY WII!

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