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dedoubt

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  1. Wrote this to a friend tonight: Thank you, sweetie. I've had a paradigm shift about all this pain I have been carrying. Though it still tries to drag me back down, I realized that being really horribly abused by my father taught me the nasty lesson that love = pain. It has been wrapped up in my core being my entire life, in everything I do. When I fall in love with someone, it feels more like real gigantic love the more pain is attached to it. It is sick and has ruined much of my life. The worse someone treats me, the more desperately I hold on to that person. Though x has many good
  2. Thank you all for your help. I am so tired of being beaten down by life, and it seems like every time I turn around, it is something else- but what I realized is that it all goes back to being abused. All of the bad shit. If I had been properly cared for as a child, my life would have been so much different and better. My brother keeps trying to be ok with it by saying that adversity made us stronger, more empathetic, etc. But fuck that. We could have been happy, good people if we hadn't been abused (and had an alcoholic mom who went on to marry our idiot stepfather who also didn't take c
  3. Ha, I wish. There is nothing saintly about it. Just lifelong sickness of pretending my father isn't a monster.
  4. Thanks, you all. It is shocking to be 46 and still be questioning myself about whether I was abused. Even one of the incidents would be enough to convince me if this had happened to anyone else outside of my family. If I read what I wrote, and it was written by a stranger, there would be no doubt, I would be horrified and tell that person they should cease contact. But I guess this is what abuse does to people. To get through it, everyone has to pretend it is normal (my older half siblings were not there for a lot of it, so maybe didn't see how pervasive it was, they tell us we are e
  5. Ok, for those of you who don't have time to read the backstory, my question is how much obligation do I have to forgive and take care of my elderly, mentally ill father who was horribly abusive to me? Horribly abusive and still not admitting it or asking me for forgiveness. I want to cease contact, but worry that when he dies, I will be wracked with guilt I can never get passed. That not staying in contact with him will keep me from being the person I want to be (loving, good person). Keeping in mind that the abuse ruined my life, my ability to have good relationships, my body (I have fib
  6. Thank you, olga. Sorry it took so long to get back to this. Was gone for a month working, then a month long trip with my kids to visit family (ugh, nightmare trip). Was starting to feel better when I was 1500 miles away, but proximity to my ex impacts how I am feeling. And the time of year- what should have been our anniversary just passed, and the holidays- isn't making anything easier. I am definitely starting to be able to manage better, not ripped to shreds quite as often, but it is shocking how badly I still feel, almost 6 months later. Logically I have "accepted" the divo
  7. Thank you so much. I was thinking about the pie chart idea you mentioned and thought that maybe I could do a variation. I am very tactile and visual, and I thought I should get some small rocks/pebbles and two jars. When I remember a good thing, I will put a rock in one jar, bad memories, the other. I may even have different sized rocks, because some of the memories are bigger/heavier than others... I'm pretty sure I know which jar will get filled first. Also, I have a job starting Saturday five hours north. I will be working a lot and staying on a friends' property (really goo
  8. I can't see a tdoc at the moment. I have work up north for a month, will be staying in a camper on my friend's property 5 hours away from the tdoc I have seen a few times. I have an appointment with her for when I get back. Something I realized today is that a huge part of why I am having trouble getting past this is because I have been viewing all of the bad things as evidence of my lacking. That he didn't get better because I didn't help enough, or help in the right ways, or tried too hard (pushing him away, because he doesn't want to believe he is sick, so all of my efforts, getting hi
  9. Thank you. I didn't mean your advice, I was talking about people IRL who have suggested that I focus on the bad things and not mourn the good.
  10. So, I have been taking the advice given by a lot of people to focus on the negative aspects of being with my husband, so that I can be grateful to be away from him. Unfortunately, being angry and thinking of all of the bad parts is making me more depressed and obsessive. It has my head spinning, I am questioning even the good parts and hating myself (and him). So now I have this terrible grief to get past and all of this other shit to find a way around, because the obsessive thoughts are making me feel like I am right around the corner from really destabilizing. What do I do now? My
  11. That's ok. What you described is typical behavior of a lot of people... I think I just need to not answer. If he even calls again...I will be gone for most of October and won't have phone service, so it will be easier.
  12. Thanks, you guys. It helps to hear this stuff from people outside of my day to day life. He probably was just checking in to see how I was, not trying to hurt me or anything. He is a good person, just doesn't always know the right thing to do (remember, he has sza and is often listening to voices directing him). He was probably bored, or maybe missing me and doesn't have great impulse control, and probably didn't think through how it might affect me to hear from him...
  13. Yeah... And it didn't help that he called me yesterday, after nothing for three weeks (including ignoring me when I reached out). "Just checking in" etc. I feel as if I am back to square one. Wishing we were together, feeling like an asshole for wishing that, missing him so much. Ugh.
  14. Thank you, olga. Your "voice" is always reassuring. It doesn't seem to be getting better with time, but maybe more time needs to go by. Thanks, Will. I know I need to get back into therapy, but I've been so busy, it's hard to find the time. Maybe NAMI can help, too.
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