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Found 31 results

  1. Angeni Mai


    From the album: Animal pictures

    Me and Ne-Yo lounging around

    © (c) Linsey Matthews 2012

  2. Angeni Mai


    From the album: Animal pictures

    My Tortoiseshell kitty, Bella, just hanging out.

    © (c) Linsey Matthews 2012

  3. Hey everyone, I thought I would start a topic about dealing with maintaining healthy love lives while coping with BPD, since it seems to be a difficult journey for me. Lucky for me, I have a great man by my side (for a little over a year now), but he is not familiar with mental illness (even though he is understanding). When we first started dating I had just started seeking treatment and had just recovered from being literally ABANDONED by my last boyfriend, so my man came into a real mess. At first when I was very depressed I would accuse him of not being supportive enough, not showing me enough affection, cheating, etc... After becoming a little more stable I realized I needed to educate him about mental illness - where it comes from, how it is treated, and how I personally deal with my emotions. Currently my illness is like a ghost that follows me around, that only I can see. I have had to teach myself how to trust him, after being abandoned by pretty much every other man I've had a relationship with (they probably got so fed up with my mood swings and were so scared of breaking up with me and me going crazy that they couldn't bear to do it face to face). Here are some things I've learned about myself and my BPD when it comes to dating: 1) I date men that have nothing going for them, because I feel it gives me more power in the relationship (especially when it comes to money. 2) I am intimidated by men that are "on my level" (career-wise, maturity level, etc) and run away. 3) I set my standards for physical attraction very high, even though I am not that attractive. 4) I don't get physical pleasure from sex - to me it is important in a relationship simply because I need to feel wanted and needed. 5) I never say no - when I was single I would have sex with any man (or men) that was handsome and showed interest (or paid me enough - yeah, I've been that impulsive). This goes for things such as giving gifts, lending money, and being taken advantage of. All in all, I'm scared that one day this relationship will fail due to my BPD and the way I tend to say things that are degrading (even though I may not mean them that way), and I also fear that I am settling for something less than what I really want because I feel I finally found a man who won't leave me (maybe he won't leave because of my big paycheck?). What are your experience with dating? Do any of you have the same dating traits as myself? Are successful relationships possible for someone with BPD? Will I ever be able to handle having children AND cope with my mental illness? So many questions... and I would love to hear you answers!
  4. -The following may trigger- He is the smartest person I've ever met. He is also perhaps the most broken. I want to gather him into my arms and fix all his broken places. I want to protect him from anything that would cause him harm. Of course I realize there's no fixing him. He witnessed unspeekable violence under the age of 5. He was raped by his foster father throughout childhood. He was subjected to every form of abuse you could possibly imagine. Sometimes when I touch him, he flinches. Or I see him shaking. There's a scar on his stomach that makes chills go through me. I love him. I would take bullets for him. I'm letting him stay in my apartment with me for a while. I know he cares for me, the best he can. He is capable of more emotional cruelty than he realizes, however. I'm just not sure why I'm so attracted to him. Why I wanna fix him so bad even though I know full well this is not possible.
  5. My dad is 65, I'm 21... He worked his whole life for me and my siblings... My family is not a functional one, years of psychological abuse ruined our relationships with each other. My sister gave and still is giving my parents hell, she tells them she hates them, doesn't respect them, yet they still give her everything she wants. Money they don't have, love she doesn't reciprocate, support she doesn't acknowledge. She leaves them in agony, ripping at them at their weakest time, My dad wakes up at 3am to stock groceries since losing his job after the internet bubble collapsed, and my mom can't teach anymore cause she had to leave work so many times for my sister that she lost 4 straight teaching jobs and ruined her resume. She still calls them poor, questions why they moved to a town they used to be able to afford and now barely scrape by in. My dad is a very frustrated man, he came from 3rd world Africa in a village you can't even find if you google it, gave up his dreams of changing his home country for the better and his hopes of being a photographer to support a family. One of the smartest men I know, or at least I have heard such. We can't really talk, he's said too many terrible things to me out of frustration and anger, regardless of whether I actually deserved it or not. He told me he was ashamed and embarrassed by me when I couldn't get into Ivy league schools. Asking me, "What will I tell my friends and relatives?" while nearly crying. He would tell me how much he hated his life and family while driving me to high school every morning for years...so I started to walk. He was livid when I told him he was making me depressed, and kicked me out of the car. He asked my psychologist in front of me, "Have you figured out whats wrong with him yet?" Needless to say I was a pretty bad student, distracted by the thought of going home at the end of the day. He's visibly depressed all the time, but when he sees other people he lights up and smiles. He smiles and laughs so much to every stranger he meets that it's uncomfortable cause its so fake. He hasn't fit in well in our town, too many embarrassing stories of the chaos in our house linger on the lips of our neighbors. My sister called the cops on me twice cause I couldn't take it anymore and lashed out. She destroyed my mother, who turned to eating to comfort herself, now she's throwing up almost everyday cause of her disorder. She ruined my father, who could never take his anger out on her so he took it out on me. I was sick of watching her torment and I needed to punish her, even though she called authorities they never arrested me and actually put her in jail once. My father loves me so much, I can tell cause he calls me all the time since I moved out and started to go to the university in the city I live in. I can tell cause he tries to ask me how my day is with the tone he uses in front of strangers. He's withering away and he knows it, and he knows he'll never hear me sing through my saxophone again. He knows I'll never laugh from the other room, wishing he was the cause. He can't walk by my door to check if I'm breathing, just to make sure I haven't killed myself. He worries so much about me, I know he loves me but I don't know if I can forgive him. He knows he hurt me, and he knows I'm not coming back. I wish I could talk to him, I wanna hear about Africa which he deeply misses, I wanna talk to him about my problems, I want show him my music but I can't bring myself to do it. Anytime we talk it's always frustration that comes out, he calls me asking about my day and then quickly becomes irritated about some issue in my life. I can't tell if he can't control himself or if he is really just releasing his frustration on me, so I stopped picking up my phone. He always leaves a message...and they always start with "Oh hi (my name)..." "Are you coming home for dinner tonight? I'll buy you scallops if you do come..." "I'm going to our uncles house and your little cousins want to see you..." "I'm just calling to see how you are doing we haven't seen you in a while..." And they always end with... "...Please call me back..." or "Please...call me back.." But I try not to, and when I do I make it brief; almost business like to avoid any possible conflict. My one word answers are not totally from resentment, but from love. I don't want to give him the chance to hurt me by saying too much, I do it so I can heal myself from the agony he put me through, but he always slips up just when I start thinking I'm able to forgive him. It's so emotionally draining just to write this, I never told anyone about what he says to me. Maybe he's why I can't trust people, or why I can't focus in school, why I fantasize about suicide, why I stay in my room as my roommates laugh and holler, why I drink so much, why I smoke so much, why I play too many video games, why I cry when I'm alone thinking about how my family could have been different. Call it what you will but I'm not stuck in the past, this continues to this day, my sister get's everything from them still, my mother is killing herself slowly in front of my eyes, and my father is more stressed and ashamed than ever. I left when I was 20 and the year away from the chaos opened my eyes, I realized who I was, that everything wasn't my fault, that I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am, that there is nothing wrong with me. I get compliments quite often, whether it's my music, my high payings jobs (40$ per. Hr.), my school that I transferred into, my sense of humor, whatever... But I still don't believe them or myself, I question everything good that I do, every laugh I inspire, every mind I vibe with. I don't even realize when I'm doing something right, it just never feels good enough. It's discouraging cause I'm so distant from reality, I'm afraid of meaningful relationships, I'm afraid of truly being myself. My emotions contradict my logic and vice versa and I'm left being paralyzed and don't know where to turn. Even If I already know the answer to my problems I don't acknowledge them as valid points, nothing that flows through my head seems right... ***I'm aware that people have much bigger problems than me and by no means is my life the worst. I'm not looking for pity I just want some advice and I'm sorry I wrote this in such a weird way but I was very emotional at the time and needed to get it out***
  6. Two years to the day. A toxic but worthy relationship started two years from the day. I broke up with Nathan...and Meg was away for the night. Playful chat led to a few hours of play time over the phone. Just us, smiles and giggles, blushing and massive heat swarming and consuming our bodies. My first true love. The first night he said he loved me... Love or not, he is married, and the word love is no longer apart of our vocabulary for one another...but he will still hold my hand, kiss my lips, hold me close when I feel sick or sad, wipe tears from my eyes and allow me to shake in his arms. He isn't my lover, he isn't my soul mate, but he is and always will be my best friend <3 Thank you for keeping me perked and safe for the last two years, Rob. I love you very much and hope to see many years of a wonderful friendship. You were the best gift the Goddess ever brought to me! Thank you for the best birthday of my life.
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