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  1. As is common in BPD, I have a major fear of abandonment. It used to be worse than it is. When I was left alone, I used to scream and cry and cut myself and generally be horrifically miserable. Now, I don't do any of that, but I'm still afraid she's just not going to come back. I want to text her, but I don't want to be so needy. How do you reassure yourself? I've been married for 18 years, I know my wife isn't leaving me, but I can't stop being afraid and wanting to be reassured.
  2. ...I still feel angry about it, and it's seriously upsetting how not "over it" I am. My siblings-in-law are all having babies and I'm not. I probably won't, ever. I'm feeling left behind and watching all the happy families posting on Facebook and hearing about all the resources, emotional and material, being lauded on these families is making me way jealous and angry. My biological parents threw me under the bus because I wouldn't give them grandkids, and was infertile besides, and so to feel like that rejection might happen a second time is seriously distressing. And then something happened in October that keeps coming back. I e-mailed asking my inlaws to come out to a sports event with me, since I was starting the sport myself. I got either nos or radio silence. Come game day, I check Facebook, and there's the freaking baby at the inlaws' house - free childcare for the couple that has everything - and everybody's happy. Made me so mad. So mad. I called the inlaws on the evident priority call, saying I was upset that I got ditched for a baby (when previously they'd said "if ever you want parents, come to us")... and then stepmom says, "I know this is just your fear of abandonment" and "I can't help you with your cognitive distortions, talk to your therapist". I asked her to just tell me that the baby is a bigger priority, and I'd try to be OK with it, but she refused to. She insisted that she loved me and I was a priority (but she's still not coming to any games, for no reason). Yeah, I'm feeling a fear of abandonment, BECAUSE YOU"RE ABANDONING ME. And now you're shutting me down and we can't even talk about it. So we don't. And I keep getting angry about it. Apparently this little sports event was really, really important to me and I needed to DEARMAN the shit out of it but I was still too shy. I feel stupid that I'm so upset. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about this because they're sick of hearing about it, or I'm afraid of pissing them off, or they'll say something callous and hurt me when I'm at my most vulnerable. I know on some level it's childish jealousy and want for attention and on others it's a deep, deep terror of being abandoned and then finding "evidence" that I will be. Like I want to tell these inlaws to sod off so they can't hurt me any more. But my husband would suffer losing his family, so I have to keep up appearances, only I'm seriously seething. I don't know how to handle this any more. By now everybody in the family knows I went to the hospital after this little scenario because I was having fantasies about harming myself in front of everyone. No one's willing to talk about it and I'm as isolated as ever. I am sure I'm the crazy sister-in-law. I don't want to be the crazy sister-in-law. I just wanted a goddamn family that would consider supporting me when I asked!! Also, how shitty is it of people to use therapy speak on you in a casual context to shut you up/down? I think that's just the lowest blow. Talk to your therapist, not me. Humph. Why do we bother talking at all, then? Rawr.
  3. OMFG I typed a shit ton and accidentally swiped the bluetooth mouse and the whole thing disappeared. So TECH SUCKS. Surgeons suck, especially when they don't listen to me and do things and then accuse me of abusing narcotic painkillers. Seriously?! Rich asshole, listen up. Had morphine 3X in my life, all three in the hospital when I was in blinding ass pass-out level pain. I don't take painkillers on the whole because they don't fucking work on me anyway. Plus they have this dumbassed arrogant attitude that gives them the moxie to tell me, this is a complication free procedure, what you're describing can't be happening. Well tell that to the ER doc who took one look at my knee and calf and drained 200 cc of blood out of it and tells me its a fucking normal complication, rare, but it can happen. Surgeon ends up next day draining 120CC blood out of my knee that filled up again in seven hours—and yells at me because he gives me the smallest single hit of lidocaine [sIC] so I'm climbing up the damned walls in pain. I usually can't do locals because I can take like ten doses and still feel every goddamned thing they're doing. But he uses that as a basis to tell That Woman I Live With I'm a drug abuser. Awesome. Surgeons can really suck. It took me four weeks to get the surgery— two weeks over the 100% rapid recovery outcome for a dude my age with that injury. All because some rich asshole on a medical group's insurance panel says, it's not medically necessary. Seriously dipshit?! I RUN for a living. It's my fucking JOB. So insurance people suck too. Anyway, being injured for two months and another 4-6 weeks in PT & rehabbing the knee I should be able to go back to work just in time for league finals and HS season. Yay! An entire season without income also SUCKS! (more so when you suddenly have to hire a defense atty to protect your son). So I had even more "free time" to work on the fiction author stuff. One of the four novels is a stretch piece. I've never written a Romance or Erotic Romance before. I did an initial round of queries to pubs, get the ole chestnut, 'love your work send us more... but this one we can't use right now.' yay. Whatevs. stock and trade. Not that big of a deal. But I want this thing out there and off my shoulders. So I want to go the indie route but I need an indie editor. I need some beta readers too because I've been celibate against my will for 14 years so I have no fucking idea beyond my research (reading a shit ton of other people's EroRom work) what's "hot" to the median 39yo female reader and fan of EroRom. I friend who's a copy editor some how decides after like a year of my going on about this friggin story asks me for the logline. I pitch it. She loved it. turns out she's a huge fan of EroRom. Her guilty pleasure YAY! progress, finally! Chapter 3 is the big rip roaring floor furniture and chandelier chapter. and I have no idea if it's laughable or legit. She gets to the end of Chapter two and her life blows up. OFFS. So I get 8 beta readers. mostly not the demographic and only two admitted EroRom readers. One person stops at chap 1 and says, hate it. Awesome I figure I got 7 others and two I really need to listen to. Weeks, months go by. I send inquires of them. SILENCE. So betas readers who say they want to read and don't and don't even have the moxie to say, I can't do it just totally SUCK too. The other three novels and now five shorts over the summer I have regular betas for. Suddenly this week as I'm ready to send them stuff they've been asking for all summer as I worked text me and say, 'sorry, I'm out, my life blew up (divorce dead parent, etc.).' Aw fuck. What can you do, right? So a friend at a Con says, hey I know this editor who's between things and she loves your work. Awesome. I contact her. She gets back to me and says, I'll do it, but right now I have three friends dying of cancer in MT, VA and PA. Hopefully by December but I definitely want to do it. YAY.... December. I have four novels, five stories I'll have completely editor ready by Oct 1st. Sure I'll still be pounding out content in the meantime, I'm a workaholic and I work around the clock since I can't work games until my knee is 100%. But the shorts could be out there now if I had the editorial support that I lost. At least one of the novels could be out there too. The production plan was Oct 1st but everyone's lives blew up. That totally fucking SUCKS. Oh yeah, my website disappears on me, and the ISP domain host can't figure it out and when I tried to reupload it something weird happened and it's inaccessible. Awesome. I meet with a designer friend who said four months ago she could help with the platform tech. YAY. This week she says she's retiring "to follow her bliss." Jeebiz fuck me. Now that I've wasted an hour writing this rant, I better get back to work. When the dam finally breaks I don't want to be all, 'uh, i bailed out.' I just have no one to talk to so... yeah.
  4. How many of us do this? Is it a fun aspect of abandonment issues, or something else? I'm still in contact with people who have not treated me well. I'm still in contact with people who were directly responsible for a myriad of the things that make life hard for me. It seems no matter what they do or say- rape, physical abuse, gaslighting, actively humiliating me or my partner- I can't seem to cut them off. I'll be very angry for a little while but I ultimately end up acting like it never happened. It's something I plan on talking more with my lovely therapist about, but in the mean time, what do you lot think? Do you do the same? Have you done the same? How do you deal?
  5. Every time I interact with her, it feels like she's leaving me all over again, and it rips me apart. Every time. We have to see each other and interact frequently, because we have a five year old. We share custody. He's at the stage where whoever he's with is the wrong person. Every night for bed it's "I want to go home to momma" for 20 minutes, which triggers me extensively. Everyone says "he's five - that's just what they do," but they don't understand the pain it causes me. They don't understand the significance. I feel like I can't go on without her. More than half my life was spent with her. I don't know how to live on my own. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to interact with other people. I don't have any friends, and I can't make any. I've tried going out to "gatherings," but I just sit there, and everyone ignores me, and I feel worthless and I don't know how to talk to anyone. I'm so lonely. I spend every night watching television or playing video games because it's the only thing I have that distracts me from the emotions that are overwhelming me at every moment. I miss her every moment. I miss her presence, her voice, her smell, he touch, her face... I love her, so much. I can't not tell her, but it makes her angry. She wants me to give up and move on. How can I move on from 20 years? I don't know how to keep going. I barely make it through every day. I've started a DBT group. I have a 1:1 therapist... but nothing makes any difference. I feel helpless, and hopeless, and worthless. And alone. More than anything, and worst of all, I feel utterly alone.
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