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  1. I have been clean off of Opiates now since October 6th (cold turkey) after a steady 3 years of taking a combo of Perc's & Norco. At my worst I was taking up to 10 Perc 5's a day - my PCP wouldn't up my dose, instead he gave me more of them. When it came time to taper off, my fall back was Norco, which was far from the euphoria of Perc's but it helped take off the edge of coming down & help with my aches and pains. I didn't start out as an addict with pain killers btw -- I was involved in a MVA and due to muscular injuries was prescribed these. In my early 20's I dabbled a bit, taking a couple Perc's and smoking some weed was like being on Mar's but it was an occasional situation not my every day bag of tricks. Anyways, since being on opiates for so many years my brain was on a permanent vacation and I liked it that way, I felt great, on top of the fucking world, nothing could stop me -- it was the perfect mood stabilizing anti-depressant, my mind, body and soul where in sync and never better. I have been diagnosed with -- BPD, Bi-Polar, Manic Depression, PTSD, General Anxiety. I have been through a gauntlet of med's to treat the depression, mania, anxiety and nothing worked well enough for me to stay committed, except Benzo's which I attend to abuse and because they are sedating I need to counteract with anything speedy from Adderall to energy drinks, it's like I am speed-balling through life, however lately without the balance of an opiate I have the very definition of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, basically I am manic and depressed as all hell. Even on Adderall I could take a nap. I briefly have get up and go, then I have a fuck the world attitude. This is common for anyone withdrawing but more painful if you're already mentally left of center prior to. It feels like it's never going to end for me. I get so sad thinking about never feeling that great again, never not having physically pain, never not knowing what it's like to have my head shut up so I can just be. Needless to say pain killer's became the ultimate escape from it all for me, I felt like I should feel, like a "normal" (balanced) person. On another forum someone posed the question "which is better, depression or opiate use?" It's a catch 22 with opiates you can taper down, with depression it's like herpes, just lingering down beneath the surface ready to pounce you without warning. Now that I have health insurance again I am going to make an appointment with a new PCP -- probably get put on some depakote or an anti-depressant. I know my outlook sucks right now but the urge is something I can't even put in to words, my muscles twitch and my blood itches -- I want it more than I want anything. That's just fucking sad in itself. I am taking 2,000 MG of acetaphetamine and about the same with Ibuprofen, still have muscle aches. Give me a 3 Norco, 2 Fexeril and I'll be mint. Thankfully I have a supportive wife who won't fill the scripts and I am not the type to go out and score stuff on the street, not cause I am afraid, cause I am not a dumbass who is going to drop that much $$ for a couple pills, rather than fill a script for couple bucks. "I'm ok....I'm ok...I'm ok...doin good"
  2. First off I want to start off by saying I do not believe Weed should be classified as a drug that is my personal opinion.If it is grown and cultivated naturally with nothing being added to it (such as PCP, coke, any pills, ext) then IMO it is natural and has been proven that it is non-addictive on a physical level. Now on the other hand I believe that it is psychologically addictive. Through my teens until 22 I tried a ton of different drugs never keeping any of them in my life except for POT. I am not addicted to anything, I hate drinking and I feel as though Alcohol should be illegal and Weed should be legal. I have been smoking pot since I was 14 years old (24 years old now), in the past year I have slowed down my cannabis intake to such a small level that 2 hits of nugget could get me high as a kite. I have BPD, GAD, PTSD, Depression, and Fibromyalgia. Weed never affected my GAD it actually helped (note: only when at home, if I smoked in social situations I get very quiet if I'm around people I don't know.) It is the only thing that helped my anxiety at home I feel so much more relaxed when I smoke. I feel so different now that I have stopped using pot (need to take a piss test for pt work) but I feel very overwhelmed that I cant smoke not only is it apart of my life but it is apart of my night time routine (I used weed to sleep also to manage Fibromyalgia pain since pain meds make me hella sick) I have been having troubles falling asleep since I stopped smoking but I am a night owl by nature. Also the first few days I felt like I couldn't handle any stress without flipping out or walking away. I feel like I have lost a friend but at the same time, I feel like I could take it or leave it, so strange huh? Is anyone else on here a long term marijuana user? have you stopped using pot before? how do you feel when you stop using it? Is it weird that I feel like I have lost a friend? Does anyone else use weed for Fibromyalgia pain? Your thought on this are much appreciated. Thanks
  3. I'm at a crossroads. I'm 35 years old and I've been taking valium 15 mgs daily for 6 years. I tried everything before it. The SSRis did not help me one bit. Ativan made me severely depressed. Klonopin had the same effect. I felt I was backed into a corner. I had to do something in order to function daily. I don't misuse my medication. I take the same dose at the same time every day. It controls my over anxious brain from burning anxiety and the random moments of terror that used to plague me. I feel good. I feel normal. I feel like I have a life free of abnormal anxiety, and yet I'm scared. I'm scared of the day that will come when a doctor will no longer prescribe it for me. I'm fearful of the day when it will no longer work... That I will become tolerant to its anti-anxiety properties. I'm scared of the withdrawals... I think of these things every day. What will I replace it with? I've tried most everything else. I have had panic attacks and anxiety since I was 9 years old. I feel like an addict talking about it like this. I'm just ashamed that I ever even started it. I don't know where to go from here. I have not found anyone with anything positive to say about longterm benzodiazepine use. The literature and common medical belief doesn't support me. It seems that I am damned no matter what decision I make. Do I taper now or wait for tolerance and really experience hell? I need some help... JC
  4. I was looking up some stuff for my lorazepam and I came across a board on here. Really a cool place. I don't really do big introductions. I'm Kathryn, 23, mom, hair stylist. I live with severe ADD and anxiety and BP. I guess my main concern that I've been struggling with, the past couple years since I've had my twins especially, is realizing that I am 23 years old and that I will be taking these medications for.....80 more years? I am chemically dependent 110%, and the meds DO work, but i guess I just feel trapped by them? For example: I take 70mg Vyvanse, 100mg Lamictal, 1mg Lorazepam 2x a day or as needed. I never go without my Lamictal. But yesterday I didn't take my Vyvanse or Lorazepam. I do that once in a great while to see how it is, because I've forgotten how I feel without. And holy shit. I've never had it be this bad before. I mean, I woke up at 6am this morning and before I opened my eyes I told my boyfriend I might vomit on him. Waves of nausea so badly all morning and headaches until I took my first dose of Lorazepam and instantly I was better. But I still feel so down/depressed/dull all day today and even now at 12:22am. Just one of those days where you realize how "addicted" you are to your medication Anyways, Hi. I'm here.
  5. Hello everyone, I'm new here and I'm completely terrified. I had a very extensive drug history when I was younger and I am very proud to say that I was able to get myself clean without the help of rehab (I tried once before, but it failed) 6 months after I got clean I fell pregnant with my daughter and I can honestly say she's kept me on the straight and narrow. I more or less replaced my addiction to drugs with an addiction to doing things with my daughter, which isn't really a bad thing. When I'm having a bad day and start thinking about things I shouldn't, I take her out and we have a girls day. It's really helped me and up until now I haven't had a problem. I have TMJ and impacted wisdom teeth which caused a really bad infection. It's so bad that I actually have to undergo surgery in a couple weeks after I'm finished my antibiotic. They put me on Vicodin ES for the pain because I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I'm in crippling pain all the time. I had a natural birth with my 8 and a half pound daughter and I can honestly say labour hurt less than this. When I read my script and saw they put me on vicodin I went cold. I had a bad addiction to prescription pills and I'm terrified of relapsing. I contemplated not filling it, but nothing else works to numb the pain. I need to dull the pain as I'm not much use as a mother right now, going on no sleep and being in a really snippy mood because I'm hurting. So I bucked up, filled the precription, and haven't stopped panicking since. My partner swears he won't let me get in a bad way with them again, but I don't trust myself with them. Every time I take one I feel like I'm failing and like I'm going to relapse. It has me in such a state because I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. They put me on tramadol the first time around, since it's apparently not as addicting, but the tramadol didn't touch the pain. When they prescribed the vicodin I was too afraid to say anything about my drug history because I do need heavy duty pain medication until I can get this surgery. Has anybody else been in a similar position? How do you cope with it and avoid relapse?
  6. Something about Adavan makes me want to abuse the ever living shit out of it. Someone could give me a few Xanax and I could hold on to them for a rainy day. Give me a bottle of Adavan, poof. Gone. As are the following days. My question,is, why do I find Adavan easier to abuse? Anyone else find they abuse one type of Benzo more than others?
  7. I'm not even sure where to start...so I'll just try to go with my recent situation. I've had depression & anxiety for over half my life, so still dealing with that. At some point developed a huge drug addiction problem (worse thing EVER for people who already have mental problems!!!!!! I don't know if your mind ever gets right again:( &i mean EVER! Was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrom at least ten years ago. Found out about a year ago, pretty positive it's narcolepsy. Fought to not get on yet another medication, until I couldn't handle the fatigue/difficulty functioning. Was already on Effexor XR, xanax,& Subutex (still am on all 3). And ended up on Provigil. After 10 months of Provigil, thought I was losing my mind at the end! Went off cold turkey about a month ago, & SEVERELY SUFFERING FROM FATIGUE & DEPRESSION:( Of course there's like 1,000 pages I could write on everything & exactly how the heck I ended up in my hell, but wanted to keep it short for now. .Just got prescribed Deplin to try after reading the reviews on here, but didn't try it yet. ALL I KNOW IS THAT I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS:(! IT'S TERRIBLE! SO ANY SUGGESTIONS ARE 100% WELCOME...
  8. Anyone else experience Ativan induced amnesia - even mild? I've done some research and found it is a documented side effect, but of course, real people stories would help me color in the picture. I have been battling addiction to weed for a decade, managed two months clean last year and relapsed, so I am back on the wagon and it's day 7. I know that will mess up my memory in general, but I started taking Ativan a few days ago and have noticed that the memory effects are kind of freaky. Luckily I'm not working right now - but I honestly can't imagine holding down a job (where I have to use my brain!) while taking this stuff. It doesn't make me feel groovy, doesn't make me feel nice - it just kind of makes me feel spacey and blah, and it is very very difficult to recall specifics of the past few days. Anyone else experience this? I am taking it to help manage the withdrawal from alcohol/weed (weed doesn't made sense but my dr seems to think I was a hardcore alcoholic, saying something about seizures - which honestly I am NOT, but whatever) I definitely don't want to become dependent but I wasn't sleeping before, so I need it for now. My problems always begin with sleep. It's helping me manage the initial side effects of Pristiq as well. But the cloudy fatigue is just.... ugh. No motivation.
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