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  1. Hey everyone, just wanted to introduce myself. I'm 20 years old and have been dealing with health anxiety for a long time now. It usually manifests as an obsession over a symptom or problem area (which sometimes I produce myself by being scared of that symptom). It then takes over my life and ruins at least a good few months. I was prescribed Prozac a few years ago. It helped immensely, and after 1 year I weaned off of it with ease. About a year later the pattern began again. Initially I was prescribed Ativan, but it only made me worse in the end. Then I went about 8 torturous months without seeking help, refusing to admit I had relapsed, so to speak. I took Celexa this time, with absolutely horrific side effects, but kept taking it anyway. I was at 40mg for about a year, and now I'm at 20mg. SSRIs have been a lifesaver for me. But even so, I still have little troubles from time to time. I also take .5mg Clonazepam as needed. I have been doing quite well, but recently my brother had a sudden paranoid psychotic episode involving fugue, which was quite disturbing (he had never had any incident before). I think his official diagnosis is Bipolar? Not too sure, but he is taking seroquel, effexor, and lithium. I bring this up because I am starting to fear developing a psychotic disorder and it is quite troubling. My brother is doing better now (after 2 weeks in a psychiatric hospital). Occasionally he will ask me if I can read his mind and tells me he has a feeling that he can. It's really upsetting to see someone going through that, so if anyone has any experience or wouldn't mind talking about it, I'd appreciate that. Hope this wasn't too long. Thanks for reading!
  2. So I have been on Ativan 1mg x4 daily and no matter how much I take I feel no relief, I usually run out after a 2 weeks. Most say I'm on a lot but I don't feel that way. I still feel anxious and paranoid all the time. What's wrong with me!?
  3. Hi, everyone. I have had minor problems in the past with mild anxiety. Where I would just get a little nervous or what I call the "I feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time" moment which passes after a short amount of time. However, this seems to be entirely different. I can't eat, I am dizzy, I can't get my thoughts together, sounds bother me... I am fairly certain of the trigger-work related stress. My problem is as follows: 1. I called in sick on Friday because I was afraid that if I went in to work that I would lose it. 2. I am not sure why I didn't call my therapist, but it probably has to with the fact that she changed offices and I hate making phone calls to places I am not sure about. 3. My psychiatrist was out all Friday, so I couldn't speak with him. I am supposed to see him on Monday morning when I am supposed to be at work. 4. I am on 1 mg of Ativan as needed but used up all of them in the past 3 weeks so on my own with my anxiety symptoms. Right now I am not sure I can even set foot in the building for work. I am having problems just thinking about looking at the homework I am supposed to have graded by Monday. I really don't know what to do at this point. My DH is pretty understanding, but he thinks I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I probably am, but it doesn't help me feel better. Should I see my dr. first or try and brave work. I really am not sure about the latter. Help.
  4. Hey there. I came across this site rather by accident, but I was really interested. To quickly introduce myself, I'm a Canadian highschool student that was diagnosed with GAD when I was about eleven or twelve, as well as a motor skills disorder. I fell into a state of depression as I've gotten older. I'm currently trying to recover from relying heavily on self harm, and I guess in general I'm trying to stop hating everything about myself. Apart from all the "crazy" stuff, I'm an artist that spends too much time on Tumblr, and I listen to (debatably) rad music. So, yeah, that's pretty much it. Thanks for reading
  5. A friend invited me to the upcoming NYC Pride celebration this coming weekend. When I asked my parents (which is actually just a formality since I am 19 and a sign of respect since I am still under their roof) if I could go with her they gave me all kinds of crap about it. They, apparently, think that because I am unable to work due to phobia/anxiety or whatever the hell causes my emotional meltdowns... that this means I can't do anything. Even though I've explained at great length about what happened. Apparently, because "Your mother and I can't be in crowds (when suffering from anxiety)" means that I, too, cannot be in crowds. It isn't being around people that bothers me. It's partly the overwhelming feeling that I am being scrutinized and judged and stared at and talked about. I have problems with one-on-one interactions, phone interactions, being in public on my own (like going to a store) or something like that where I feel as though I stand out a lot. My whole life I have never had a problem attending large music concerts or anything of that nature. I somehow feel that the last place I will be scrutinized or judged will be at a gay/lgbt pride event. I'm also trying to avoid developing agoraphobia, which sounds silly, but there was a point about three years ago where I couldn't leave my house or go anywhere by myself, and even when I was with someone I could only handle short excursions. This lasted for several months and it was very hard to reclaim my independence so to speak. I know if I start avoiding doing things because I'm afraid of my anxiety, it will happen again. It should also be noted that if I were to say "Sorry, I can't go to the store for you today, my anxiety is really bad." My parents would not be accepting of this. They would tell me to grow up, push myself, you know, all the usual b.s. They aren't trying to understand me. They aren't trying to support me. They aren't just looking out for me... My mental illness only exists at their convenience.
  6. Just introducing myself. I am a 35 year old woman who has been suffering from OCD since I was 14. I finally gave in and got help when I was 20-21. I should have done it earlier, but it just wasn't something people talked about and wasn't as "acceptable" to talk about back in then. I have been on so many anti-depressants, I can't even count them. Most recently I was on Lexapro and Abilify. Abilify was my miracle drug for OCD. I have never found anything that I could actually say "hey, this works for me!" before Abilify. Unfortunately I had to get off of it due to weight gain and increased blood sugar. I got on Pristiq (mainly for the weight loss) and now I have seen my pdoc, and I am working on getting off the Pristiq and getting on Luvox. I have been on Luvox about 10 years ago, but I am willing to give it another go. Anything to try to get this unquiet mind a little peace! Hope to have good discussions with you all!
  7. So, I went to the therapist today and she mentioned that my psychiatrist says I act totally different around her. She sort of insinuated I was faking it. But I know I'm depressed! I KNOW I'm anxious. I guess I don't really know what to do about the new anxiety that she might not believe me... Should I directly address this next time?
  8. I don't think an hour goes by in the day that I don't wish I was a little kid again. I know why at least. When I was 4, 5, 6.. my life was secure. My mom had it together. There was never any uncertainty about what the future was going to bring. Now, it seems like the only thing I have is uncertainty. About my mother. About if I'm going to be able to support myself. If I'm going to be able to find a job.. the list goes on and on. I just get so mentally exhausted of always worrying that my brain has made some kind of coping mechanism where I just mentally reminiss about what I would be doing right now if I was 5 instead of 29. I still live in the same house and with the same people as I did at that age, so it's really easy to. If I'm in bed I'll even shut my eyes and pull the sheets over and fantasize about what lfie would be like if I was 5 again... It seems to blot out the constant WORRYWORRYWORRY that's always present in my head.. but of course when stop my little fantasy I'm just depressed again.. since you can't ever go back. I'll sometimes play memories I have as a child in my head as a way of therapy. It seems to calm me down while I'm doing it. Looking at pictures from my childhood brings a really bittersweet sensation to my mind. It's soothing, because I can see a time where I had so much going for me and life hadn't totally fallen apart, but then depressing, because I realize I can never get back to that time again.
  9. Hey! I am here to eat your heart... Okay not really,, but I'm new and my current diagnoses are Bipolar (their wrong,) Depression NOS (Major Depression,) and Anxiety.... My current Rx is Wellbutrin SR 100mg (needs to go up) and Lorazapam .5mg. SO I am here to learn more and be a part of a community of crazies like me I guess. PS: I also like cats! =)
  10. I have SUCH a hard time shutting my brain off as soon as the clock strikes 11PM. It's like the floodgates are opened and all the worries I have just come piling out into my brain and it's impossible to shove them back into their nice little 'ignore me' package I usually have them in during the day. I'm constantly freaking over being able to get a job, my mom's future, my grandparents, turning 30 in less than a year and not having a hubby or a baby and never finding anyone who will love me.. the list goes on and on... the biggest fears are the job and my mom though. I hate it because there's no knowing for sure since it's all in the future. At night, all these things come out and sometimes I start feeling hte beginnings of a minor panic attack. Other times, I just get a huge ball of anxiety right behind my sternum. My xanax tolerance has gone up again so it's not helping me either which is ANOTHER thing that's making me crabby and frustrated. It also doesn't help that the internet never sleeps, and one thing I've learned, is that you NEVER EVER EVER look up something on the internet if you're in worry mode. There's a 99% chance what you will find will only make everything seem 10x worse. Horror stories abound. I'm a new grad and have been out of work for almost a year....the % of new grads making minimum wage rises 70% this year... getting a degree might not even be worth it anymore now... the list goes on and on and on. How do you guys get your brain to STFU (pardon my french) during the night? It's the worst sensation ever. Not only does my worry go through the roof, I end up with insomnia and then I'm a freaking zombie the next day.
  11. Where do I begin. What do I say without losing your attention. Why is it hot in this hand basket? Lets cliff notes the beginning: (uggh, I just finished and realized I typed the first chapter of a novel) Bad childhood, bullied at school, struggled with weight all my life, came out at 18. 14 year abusive relationship (Emotional and psychological as well as he cheated the entire time) 4 years ago had gastric bypass surgery and lost 250+ lbs 3 years ago condo was robbed twice in a 6 month time span & 12 y/o dog died in my arms 2 years ago spent 9 months watching as my best friend died of cancer 19 months ago filed chapter 13 to save my condo 17 months ago ended the 14 years of abuse 1 year ago felt like I was on top of the world. Met someone who changed my life and gave me back my self esteem and made me feel like I was worthy of love. I thought he was "the one" 9 months ago it got too "real" for him and he left me for someone he met on Second life (In turn plummeting me further down the spiral than I've ever gone before 5 months ago lost my mom to cancer 10 days ago turned 37 So there's my backstory I've been seeing a therapist since Jan of last year when I finally found the courage to end the relationship. ( I had 4 months left of school at the time and hadn't planned on doing it until after I graduated but when I found out he was cheating on me again I realized it was now or never. I spent the next few months juggling school and finalizing his move out. I still finished my bachelors in software engineering with a 3.97) After the summer relationship ended I REALLY started questioning my life. I questioned long and hard why everything in my life seemed to turn to shit. I read through several books including the infamous co--dependent no more books. I learned a lot about myself. I also remained friends... best friends... with the summer relationship guy. He actually told me in November he always loved me (even though he was still seeing the online guy) When my mom died I talked to my Psychologist and decided to see a Psychiatrist. It was then that she realized I had never been diagnosed with ADHD. She told me to look into that too. Finally found a Psych who had an open apt within a month. Everyone else was 3-4 months for new patients. I went over all my failed attempts with SSRIs over the years (Although in college Prozac and Welbutrin worked wonders for both Anxiety and Smoking Cessation) During the 14 year relationship I tried Prozac, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Buspar, 5-HTTP and all had bad side effects. We started with Doxepin and it was so so with getting me through the first 2 months after my mom died but it made me a sleeping zombie. We added Adderall to the mix and while it worked GREAT on my ADHD (60 mg a day) the sleeping issue remained. I stopped taking Doxepin and moved to Gabapentin to see if it would halt the OCD thoughts that lead to depression. No good. Last week I went in with a list of meds, the research I did, and the cost for each one's recommended dosage. I did not want to be put on a 300 a month script like Cymbalta. I narrowed it down to attempting Effexor or Remoran. Initially he was hesitant, but then highly agreed Effexor would be worth trying as it would combat my anxiety and also possibly give me a boost to make the Adderall more effective. Today is my transition day where I add a 2nd 37.5 mg to the morning 37.5 Effexor dose. The first day it made me a bit nauseous, but since they it honestly seems to be great. I know it's not suppose to kick in for a few weeks, but it actually gives me the warm fuzzies and seems to amplify my concentration. My big concern, the issue I hated with SSRIs, the sexual side effects. In those rare instances where I do get intimate with someone I seriously don't want it ruined. Seeing how the registration had me type in nipple clamps I'm assuming everyone here is pretty warped (if so then I might have found my new area of support) but given that I guess I can be frank and say that I'm on day 7 and I haven't had the anorgasmia issues. It seems like I have to focus a little more or tense myself up a little more than usual but the orgasm was enough that if I was holding on to the bedpost I'd have probably ripped it off. So that's where I stand. The past 5 months I've felt completely, what I would assume to be somewhat bipolar, where I have days of incredible happiness and then days where I just hate life, hate what has happened, and little voices saying "just end it all" (which I'm too strong of a person to succumb to... I just HATE the fact that it flashes in my head) I just want a sustained feeling of happiness. 14 years of abuse and I ALWAYS had my poker face on. I always found a reason to be happy. If I woke up on the green side of the grass I was HAPPY. Now... now I would kill to remember what it's like to be happy. I see the summer guy every week and I LOVE spending time with him. We are always on the same wave length. He honestly seems to be able to read my thoughts. It's this perfect symbiosis. Unfortunately it gets so intense that I revert back to thinking "why didn't it work, this is what I want, I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, I don't want to settle ever again" and then I get depressed. I refuse to write him out of my life. I can't afford to lose any more people from my life. I know it's probably a matter of "you get what you ask for" or "STFU, you're doing this to yourself" . Some days I feel like one of those Jerry Springer guests "I love my abusive husband". The summer guy is not abusive by any means. He's got a back story as messed up as mine and I'm certain has trust issues as well and is afraid I'm going to hurt him. I fully understand that and refuse to abandon him, especially since he always points out "I'm still here" and "Who knows what the future will bring" I will say this. I'm not putting my life on hold any more for him. I've wasted too much of it for other people. So... there's my introduction. If you've made it this far thank you. Like I said.. I think I just need some hand holding until I can get my stability back. I WILL find it!
  12. So... I have about half a year left before I complete my Bachelor's degree in Graphic Design from a local University. I have an Associate's in Graphic Design, but it didn't do much in the way of finding jobs, since I got it just as the economy was tanking. Anyway, my mom has serious issues that I've touched on before. Basally, she has 3 degrees: in Speech Pathology, Occupational Therapy, and Social work. Yet, she has been unemployed for almost eight years. She is going through serious issues, and has been for years, and I know my situation is different from hers, but when my emotional side takes over, logic gets shoved into the background and ignored. Anyway, I have a huge issue with panic attacks over whether or not i'm going into a major that will be able to support me. I seriously have attacks over worrying that I'll end up homeless sometimes. I worry that I'll finish, and no one will hire me, even for crap entry jobs, and that I'll end up having to work minimum wage, with hardly enough money to just scrape by. I worry I'll have to give up my meds, my insurance, basically everything just to have food on the table (and at times I worry I won't be able to afford that after rent and I'll pretty much just starve.. it happened to someone i know). I have visions of living in a total run down tiny apartment, in an area with rampant crime, and worrying every day about being rapped/murdered/mugged and shot. Or, that I'll end up homeless and end up living in the sewers or under a bridge. I periodically check on craigs list and indeed, and there are graphic design jobs that pop up. Some are beyond what I can offer (some even seem to want the entire damn world), but some make me think I could handle them. But then I freak out thinking how I'm competing against like 300 other people for one position, and how most of those have experience under their belts.. and I just panic some more. (And I seriously home that 300 people completing for ONE graphic design low pay job is exaggerated). The fact of it is.. my mom's been unemployed for almost 8 years. She has severe issues.. but now I'm worried about her on TOP of my own shit, and it just drives me to a breaking point. Just recently I started worrying that she won't have any retirement (hell, i might not at her age either.) She's going on 60.. and i worry that if she doesn't get a job soon, she'll have NOTHING when she ends up having to retire at 80 or so. And I have NO CLUE how I'd support her.. ON TOP of my own self, if I'm making minimum wage. It just sends me into a panic attack. I know my mom is influencing how I see my own future. And I try not to let that get to me. All I want is a career where I can make enough to live ok. Decent. 30K would be wonderful. 20K would be hard, but doable. 25K would be good. I just worry worry worry that I won't be able to get a career in graphic design, and have to fall back on minimum wage jobs, and not be able to support myself. With minimum wage in Michigan, you make like 7:40 an hour. Per month after taxes that comes to $924 a month. Is that feasible? To live off of... without starvation? I guess I just panic over this. All the time. ALL THE FU*CKING TIME.
  13. So in about 6 months I'll have finished my bachelor's in Graphic Design. I live in the metro Detroit area in Michigan. Right now I'm terrified I won't be able to find a job. The last time I tried, which was around 09, I applied to tons of places that were just plain retail, Khols, Old Navy, Sears, JCPenny... the list goes on and on. I got an interview at Old Navy, didn't get the job. 8 years ago, I applied for a job at sears and got it right off the bat. I'm so worried the job market is STILL just as horrible as it was in 2009, or that there are 100 people competing for ONE freaking job... Even jobs in retail or as waitressing! I'm so worried I'll end up on welfare and not be able to support myself at all. I'm worried about my mom who has been unemployeed for 8 years due to issues. There's no way I can support the two of us. I worry that any graphic design posting I see, even if I qualify, will never give me a call back, because I'll be competing with like 100 other people for it. It's just horrible. It eats at my mind constantly and sometimes I have panic attacks over it. I'm living with my grandparents now, and my mom, but they're getting old and I have no idea how the hell I'll support my mother AND myself when we're on our own... At least she's seeing someone who can medically diagnose her with what her issue is, and hopefully get her on SSI or SSDI. I just don't know how I'll be able to live on 9 bucks an hour.. and after taxes and all.. it's more like 6.50... it's like choose to pay rent, or choose to eat. God.
  14. Hello everyone, I'm finding paranoia to be one of my more chronic/debilitating symptoms of my bipolar. I am currently weaning off seroquel and started Lamictal on Tuesday. In the past when I had my GAD & MDD diagnoses, doctors told me my paranoia was just anxiety. But now that I have the correct diagnosis, I know better. I get extremely worried about people's opinions (in the past, I had been so paranoid I wouldn't leave the house out of fear of being judged or spoken about -- I would think when I looked at these people they were literally talking about me). Now, however, my paranoia seems very much relationship and self esteem based. I am so paranoid about my husband cheating on me or leaving me that it has been causing some arguments (by which I mean, his crazy bipolar wife - me, yelling and crying and him looking stunned). My husband is so supportive and understanding of my issues and has told me he knows "it's his job to look after me". It's completely irrational that I think he will leave. I suppose it's because of so many tumultuous and failed friendships and relationships, he's just another person I'm scared of pushing away or losing. I also worry about his attraction to me, since I've put on 60lbs with the Remeron/Seroquel combo. I use to be quite petite for my height and as someone who had disordered eating in the past, this really gets me down how different my body is now. I'm currently attending DBT and have an excellent treating team. I think I am appropriately medicated, I feel a thousand times better on Lamictal. I'm praying that it lasts. Is anyone else affected by these paranoid feelings? Will it get better or easier to deal with?
  15. I was wondering if anyone else was like this. I have pretty bad social anxiety. I haven't seen any of my friends for a loooong time because the idea makes me so anxious. I also feel anxious/ashamed/embarrassed about many things that happened in the past - and most of them, logically, weren't even very embarrassing. I still ruminate on things that happened years ago. It keeps me inside of my head and afraid to go back outside and try again. Is anyone else experienced this?
  16. Hey everyone - first post ever on a forum of this type. I guess I’ll preface by saying I’ve always been anxious; ever since childhood, I’d have bouts of anxiety, not debilitating, but generalized anxiety/nervousness – usually pertaining to a (deluded) underlying health problem, or becoming obsessed with a common physical symptom – i.e. I’d think a stomach ache was appendicitis. Otherwise, my childhood, teens and twenties were great – I was active, healthy and had plenty of friends and social interactions. Fast forward to January of 2013 – I’m 31 years old. The last few months of 2012 were extremely nerve wracking; sudden, expensive car issues on a usually very reliable car, relationship problems with my long term girlfriend; uncertainties at work (Start-up Company), etc. I was laid off on December 28th. This is when things started to really get funny. Initially, I was bummed about getting laid off, but surprisingly optimistic; I started partying a lot – the New Year’s celebration kind of carried over; often binge drinking from Thursday through Sunday. I’ve always liked drinking and hanging out with friends and/or family, but I pretty much started self-medicating with alcohol. One day, I was driving to see a friend, who lives about 30 miles north of me. About 20 miles into the drive, the traffic became gridlock – a tractor trailer had rolled over, and I was literally moving about one mile, every 15 minutes. Out of nowhere, I began to sweat and felt extremely lightheaded; my heart pounded and I felt trapped on the highway; negative thoughts began to manifest in my head – “something is wrong - what if I pass out in the car”, “should I pull over”, and even a thought that surprised me after the fact – “should I call 911?” This whole experience was really weird, since I grew up driving around a big city (Boston) and traffic and commuting had been nothing more than a nuisance. For the first time in my life I had a full blown panic attack. Luckily, in my state of panic, I was able to make it to an exit and turn around; heading back towards home. I instantly felt better - 65 mph and the wind blowing on my face felt great; I made it home, but still felt shaky from the ordeal. It was just the beginning for me though – the beginning of a very bad year. I had panic episodes off and on (more on than off) for the next few weeks – I was becoming increasingly distraught, and self-medicated with alcohol. I was in a seemingly constant anxious state – the thought of these full blown panic attack episodes returning was always on my mind; which is perhaps one of the worst aspects of the disorder. I would drink it away until numb to the anxiety. In mid-February I was flying to Las Vegas with my girlfriend to celebrate her 30th birthday. I knew I was in for a very bad time, and boy was I right… There were even “signs” I shouldn’t travel – one of the worst snow storms in a decade crippled the northeast and all flights were cancelled. We ended up leaving a day late, but we were able to fly out. At the airport (drinking a couple beers), before the flight, I admitted to my girlfriend how I’d been feeling, and that I was feeling really anxious and didn’t even want to go – I felt like something was wrong – health anxiety. She became very angry, and assured me I was fine and it was in my head. I’ve had ZERO problem flying in the, but this time was absolutely treacherous! I was in a constant state of panic the entire 5 hour flight – it was pure hell. Needless to say, I had a bad time in Vegas – feeling shortness of breath, insomnia and general anxiety almost constantly. This caused a huge problem with my girlfriend – she claimed I ruined her trip and 30th birthday; she also claimed she was breaking up with me. This hurt very bad, especially since I had always been there for her during rough times in her life and was always totally supportive. I felt abandoned when I needed her the most. I tried very hard to give her a good birthday, considering my mental state. This is becoming a lot longer than I had anticipated, so I will condense. Upon returning home, I went to see a doctor. I avoided the whole ER route since I have no insurance at the moment. I hate hospitals, doctors and anything related. I get very nervous – heart rate, BP, etc. I’m pretty sure I have white coat hypertension. He prescribed 50mg Toprol for HBP/tachycardia and 1mg of Ativan, twice a day; and sent me to the lab for blood work. They took four vials of blood and I was scheduled to see the MD a week later to go over the results. I hate medication – synthetic poisons that are too often worse for you than many of the ailments they are supposed to treat. Went back – nervous as f*ck yet again. The extensive blood work came back normal and he gave me an EKG; again normal, which was a relief. Six weeks later and I’m still struggling daily. I constantly think I’m on the brink of a medical crisis and get nervous when I’m alone – fear that I will pass out and nobody will be around to help; this is the worst time of my life and I’m actually embarrassed – I feel like a defective loser at the moment. I only hope I can bounce back at this point – this is no way to live; my quality of life is severely hindered.
  17. I have only cried a handful of times in the past ten years. When I get depressed I feel this pressure in my chest that puts me on edge, and I know that crying will relieve this really shitty feeling. Anybody else experience this problem? Any suggestions?
  18. Hi there! I could ramble on about my miserable self for hours, but I'll try to keep this short. I may elaborate on some of these things on my blog. For starters: I'm a young woman from Norway. Randomly stumbled upon this forum once, and I thought it was interesting. I finally decided to join you guys today. So, why am I here? I've been institutionalized three times voluntarily, all in the course of one year. The first time was at a place for teenagers and young adults. At the end of my stay, I was told by the doctors I had schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. I'm not too sure about my diagnosis. My (new) shrink is against diagnoses and most psychiatric drugs, and he keeps telling me I'm not sick. On the other hand, my GP tells me I have thought disorders and that I need medication. I don't know what to believe anymore. The second time I was hospitalized was one evening I was seriously contemplating suicide. I doubt I'd really do it, but I knew I was capable of hurting myself, so I went to the ER. Then I was sent to a mental hospital and was put under suicide watch for the night. After I'd calmed down a bit and regained control, I was transferred to a section for those who are less crazy (not being able to wear my own pants with strings and eating out of a plastic plate is quite sad, after all!). After the stay, the doctors told me they didn't see any signs of psychosis in me. I was supposed to go to another hospital after my stay there, but my new drugs (Abilify) made me really hyper and enthusiastic about things, so I asked to go home. And so I did. After some time passed, the drugs stopped working for me. I got really down again, and decided to go to the hospital anyway. I'm still there, or here, rather. (I'd say) I'm currently battling with depression (ranging from moderate to severe), mild general anxiety, thought disorders, tendencies to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I don't think I'm psychotic, but I may be slightly on the boarder, if that's even possible. I don't hallucinate, but I do have some delusions that just won't let go. Hmm, are they delusions if I acknowledge they're wrong? I guess they're more like very strong feelings rather than a strong belief. So that's my recent history of sickness (or no) in a nutshell. I hope I'll be able to both recieve and give some support on this site.
  19. Hi everyone, yes, I'm new and my story is a long one - as I suppose is the case with most people here - and I won't tell all of it, not for now anyway. I know I've been mentally ill all my life. Always the odd one out. Past and current issues include anxiety, panic attacks, clinical depression, PTSD, Bipolar 2, alcoholism. Current diagnosis is Bipolar 2, so I'm more on the depressive side of Bipolar. Right now I am going through menopause and that does NOT help with my mental illness ... I'm from Germany, live in the USA since 1991. I'm married and my kids are 20 and 17 years old. I live in Austin, TX and have a lot of animals that help to keep me sane - at least as sane as possible. Here in Austin I'm a member of Dual Recovery Anonymous, for folks with mental illness and addiction issues. It's a good place to be and I met a lot of cool people there. Where can I post questions about medication? I just try it here and you can always tell me to go someplace else with that topic ... I am taking Lamictal for a long time, for the past 3 years or so I'm on 300 mg/daily. Over the last months I became very depressed and cried a lot. My psychiatrist raised my Lamictal by 25 mg, to be taken before bedtime. At my next appointment she told me to take another 25 mg. So I am on 350 mg now, for the last 8 days. I started to feel worse, not better. I'm all over the place. Crying, laughing, hating, loving, anxiety, energy or no energy, I cannot settle on any feeling and my family is driving me nuts. Twice I had that sensation of going crazy, which is so horrible and I haven't had that in a long time. Last night I was out with some friends and I couldn't stand the conversation anymore and excused myself to go outside. The same thing happened a week before, but yesterday was much worse. I started to lose it. I cried, I got nauseous, scared, I couldn't talk coherently, I shouted, I was shaking and altogether I felt like checking myself into a hospital (mental health facility, which is coincidentally right around the corner from the restaurant where we met). My friends came outside to sit with me and I got worse and worse. One of them suggested to call my doctor, which I did. I talked to the doctor on call, which was o.k., because he was really nice. He told me to immediately go back to my initial dose of 300 mg Lamictal and also stop a herbal sleep remedy that I started taking about a week ago. It was Bach Rescue Sleep Liquid Melts. So here's my question: have any of you experienced similar effects after going on a higher dose of Lamictal? Any experience with Bach Rescue Sleep Liquid Melts? Thanks for reading, sorry about the long intro. Gabriela
  20. Hi all, I'm hoping someone can provide me with some feedback regarding my current situation. Right from the start, I do apologize if the post is graphic in nature, but I am attempting to be as concise and honest as possible, and am having a difficult time discerning whether my current mental status has more to do with change of medication versus environmental circumstances. I have switched from Celexa to Effexor 75mg, and have been on it for about a month now, without ever missing a day. I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder many years ago, although Depression-esque symptoms seem to parallel my anxiety, and have decided to switch from Celexa, as I was still having symptoms. How/what do I feel? Well, within the last month, I've been feeling anxious almost constantly, and have had episodes of stabbing pains in my chest every so often. I haven't passed out, but I have had difficulty breathing/weight on chest. At various times, my thoughts and worries seem to almost swirl throughout my mind, and everything going on in my life appears to be catastrophized in my head. I most often am consumed with insecurities about career/relationship/appearance, and always seem to feel completely isolated. I'm very avoidant of just about everyone these days, and find myself completely frazzled and stressed out by mere interaction with my clients (I work in a highly stressful mental health outpatient center and have a degree in Psychology, go figure). I find myself having outbursts of anger, and even the simplest things set me off sometimes, causing an unexplainable sense of anger, and desire to physically act upon this anger. Speaking of which, after over a decade of off/on self-injury, I have returned to my frequent patterns of cutting, burning, and peeling off my finger nail. I've always had some eating disorder tendencies (limiting intake, bingeing when emotionally unstable followed by hating myself, obsessing over exercise, vomiting, etc), but throughout the past three weeks or so, I've been obsessed with looking at "thinspiration" photos, and eating no more than 500 calories per day. What potential environmental triggers do I have? Well, I live alone in an apartment I can barely afford. I'm terrible with money and always struggling. My father's alcoholism has gotten out of hand lately, and he is getting sued by a client. My full time job makes me spread so thinly that I can't even go pee without 10 clients following me to tell me what they need from me. I'm also a full time student in culinary school, which requires a lot of travel, dedication, and time running around the kitchen. My boyfriend of pretty much forever won't move in with me because he's "not ready", and has a son, spending the majority of time caring for him at his ex-girlfriend's house, who barely knows I exist. Also, his best friend just died. My best friend just got married, got her PhD, and a fabulous life. Anyway, so after all of that..I guess everything just seems to always be a struggle. Nothing can ever just be, nothing can ever just come easily, and I certainly can't just catch a break. Now, should I stay on the Effexor, and blame my recent slip-ups as a result of environmental stressors, or should I already disregard the Effexor, and try something else? Anyone want to take this hot mess on? I truly appreciate feedback..
  21. Well. My name is Louise. I'm 17 on the 19th of April. Don't know how to do this. I'm autistic. I hear shit, but they call it schizoaffective disorder. I have a bad anxiety disorder and crappy depression. I'm almost blind, almost deaf, my scoliosis is near crippling, and I used to be a victim of severe bullying... How are you today? I don't know what else to say. I have ADHD? Adopted young, but still fucked in the head....
  22. Went to the therapists. I am going to start seeing her twice a week. Though next week is only once. We mostly just talked about my issues I need help with and my childhood. She is going to help me get into the world and be self sufficient. She says I have severe separation anxiety. She says when I suffered from neglect by my birth mother (Lack of mothering) that when I got adopted and did receive mothering I became co-dependant. So not only do I have AvPD from my childhood bullying but I also have severe separation anxiety from my mother (My adoptive one). But I feel relieved. This woman understood me AND she even understood how I think. She is going to save me. I know it. P.S. And when I said "but I also have severe separation anxiety from my mother (My adoptive one)" I meant literally FROM her-it's my birth mom's fault not hers.
  23. Okay, so I live with my mom and my grandparents. My mom is going through some serious stuff right now. A couple years ago she was in a back car crash where a little car pulled right out in front of her van and she broad sided them. It gave her serious whiplash problems with her neck. (Luckily, the other drive was ok). About a year ago, she fell and hit her head really hard on the corner of our concrete step (right between the eyes). We took her to the emergency and about half way through the visit, she started acting really loopy (wanting to get out of bed and wander around, super cheerful, wanting to stay to look at the art after she had been released (we had been there around 5+ hours at this point, it was around 3 or 4 AM). I've noticed over the past 5 or so years her mood has progressively gotten more and more unpredictable. She'll sway dramatically from being super upbeat and positive about the future to thinking everything is absolutely horrible and breaking things and throwing stuff. She's been unemployed for around 8 years now, but she has a masters in speech, a 4 yr in occupational therapy, and a 4 yr in social work, so it's not like she can't function and apply herself. But my uncle died, and then all this stuff happened, and she basically fell apart. it seems like it's been getting progressively worse for these last few months. She holds some serious grudges against my grandparents for things that happened when she was a kid/teen/young adult, and even though they give her a roof over her head, don't make her pay rent, and let her eat their food, and basically make a mess out of the house at times, she still acts as if she's been seriously wronged. I know I can't relate to where she's coming from since I didn't have the same situations as she did growing up, but I hate when I get placed in the middle of things, even though she claims she doesn't. The most recent thing that happened, was she consulted a chiropractor, that said that he would be able to help her with her neck. Her neck injury is so severe that she can't lift or lower her head, and has to keep it at a... 90 degree angle from her neck, if that makes sense? Basically it's looking straight forward, and not up or down at all. We found out that a few of her neck vertebrae are so bad that they are basically flipped and completely out of alignment. Like, one is completely tilted the wrong way, or something. Anyway, my grandpa asked how much the chiropractor visit would cost, and she lost it, since money is a sore spot for her. I know my grandpa was just trying to plan a head, but she took it completely the wrong way, and from that point on, it's been like walking on egg shells around her. She's started saying she won't take another cent from him, despite the fact that he's told me he doesn't mind helping her financially at all, it's just that he needs to know a head of time the price of things so he can plan his budget accordingly. I just feel completely useless and helpless in this case. I love both my mom and my grandfather dearly, and there's just this huge gap that's widening between them right now and I can't do anything about it. I keep telling my mom she needs to talk to a counselor, and not me, who is someone from her family and not removed, but so far she hasn't taken my advice. I just feel... so drained. I'm already stressed because of a full load of college courses that suck up 70% of my time, and an internship that sucks up the other 5%, so I have hardly any free time to just calm down, and usually when I do have free time, my mom is stomping around in a pissed off mood which then sets off my anxiety and i end up with a minor anxiety attack over it. My mom also has taken to self diagnosing herself. I keep telling her she needs to get diagnosed by a professional and she keeps saying she will, but she never does. First she thought all her symptoms were from whiplash, then it was PTSD, and now it's bipolar/manic depression. I just don't know what to do. I feel so bad for my grandpa. He doesn't deserve to have her yelling at him all the time. And I also feel really bad for my mom, because of all these issues she has. I just wish there was something I could do to help someone. I just feel so useless.
  24. This is my second post since joining. I am looking to find out any info about what my combination of meds is doing inside my brain. Look at my introduction post if you want to know about my condition. I am now prescribed venlafaxine 150mg in the morning, mirtazapine 30mg and quetiapine fumarate 150mg at night, with clonazapam 2mg PRN. I know how the venlafaxine and mirtazapine theoretically work together to boost 5ht and NE "California Rocket Fuel". I know that since i'm only at 150mg Venlafaxine it is only acting as a SSRI, but i think i probably will have to increase to 225mg soon, changing it to SNRI. My question is what is the quetiapine fumarate 150mg going to do? What are its affects going to be upon 5HT NE DA systems as an adjunct to the "California Rocket Fuel"
  25. Hellooooo. Yes. I am fully aware that it is about 5:20 am EST, but this and that and chocolate and then that happened and then gahhhh and then I found this website. Then I could not figure out the security question, so I had to link my twitter account, but I just post stream-of-consciousness panexiety attacks. Based on the attention my tweets receive, it appears that people find my existential battles with reality quite entertaining. Regardless, I do have a pipe dream of becoming a writer or some sort of professional blogger, so I assume people's pleasure at my pain comes with the territory. I mean, look at all of the great artists in all media? I am so sorry for that micro ramble. I ate a chocolate protein bar, which apparently is a bad idea if you have adolescent BP (cusp! I am on the cusp!). In fact, maybe writing my intro at 5:20 am EST while manicky off chocolate is not the greatest idea. But I can't sleep so what choice have I? (Sorry for the Twilight quote- I swear I hate it; I watch it for the feminist irony) I took 2mg klonopin appx. An hour ago and I chewed 1mg up reeeeaaaall tiny and the other mg I crushed but then remembered the sublingual trick and yet SLEEP IS FOR THE WEEAAKK. I am so sorry. This is not me. I am actually nearing the end of a nervous breakdown months in the making. I have been diagnosed with bipolar NOS since age 14. I come from two abusive families: an emotionally abusive, brainwashing alcoholic bipolar father who had a stroke when I was six, and a severely emotionally abusive recovering alcoholic stepfather who's almost 400 days sober thanks to my last hospital visit...and the subsequent cps case workers banging on the doors. My mother is an ADHD codependent enabler (a trait which has thankfully passed on to me /disdain), and my three brothers and I follow the typical dysfunctional family paradigm. I was diagnosed with [insert life-threatening illness here] in elementary school and had to be homeschooled for a year. This led to severely awkward attachment issues with my mother and a worsening in my stepfather's already rampant alcoholism. I also missed about a year's worth of school, which ain't spit compared to the detrimental social effects that constant hospital visits and adult company, along with otherwise total isolation from peers had on me developmentally. Therefore, after two years of chemo, three years of bullying, four years of SI and five years of depression, I finally got the cajones to ask my mom to see my fourth therapist. She referred me to a psychiatrist who battered me to death with tests and questionnaires to gain more objective perspective of what was going on in my scrambled white matter. So here I am, diagnosed with BP, ADHD and PTSD. They have speculated BPD and OCD but I know mania, thank you, and I am only OCD when I am on some sort of amphetamine. And I am here to wage war on the Oxford Comma.
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