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  1. Hi there, although I'm a new member I've been lurking the forum for years . Long story short , I've had a psychotic break/near death experience that lasted for about a year , that occured in 2013 . Although I'm over 90-95% of it, I'm still suffering a backlash in terms of constant to variable anxiety throughout the week . I've also haven't slept naturally since the event occured in 2013 . So basically my body's used to feeling anxious for so long that its the new normal and ditto for the insomnia . I have a psychiatrist that I see 1x to 2x a month and am seeing a good experienced therapist twice a week (both work in the same office). I want to sleep naturally again . Anyways after trying multiple (sedating) anti psychotics , anti depressants, anti convulsants , 6 different benzodiazepines, z-drugs , antihistamines and belsomra , my psychiatrist decided to put me on Xyrem . I'm on the max dose of 4.5 grams twice nightly .The first two months were heaven, it truly was the holy grail . Absolutely zero side effects and completely unoffensive like a hypnotic benzodiazpine . The major payoff was that I was sleeping 8-10hrs a day and feeling so incredibly rested (like natural sleep since it only improves sleep architecture and induces natural sleep)I didn't need to take medicines like nuvigil and adderall to stay awake/function during the day and totally went off of the stimulants . My physical and mental abilities were 100% again . Workouts were great with all the new energy and school went from difficult to moderately easy now that my brain was finally recovering at night . Problem is that due to increasing situational anxiety due to school/(I guess how the near death experience makes me act to stressors ?) The 9g a night barely keeps me asleep for more than 3-4 hrs . The Xyrem pharmacist said insomnia people like me can use higher doses , as he's seen up to 13g a night . Problem is that the doctor said he will aboslutely not go past 9g a night . He will not Rx me any controlled CNS depressants with the xyrem (benzos, z-drugs , belsomra even friggin Lyrica is off the table) He's given me zyprexa since it has helped my anxiety and insomnia in the past however that antipsychotic leaves me with carry over sedation in to the day and dumbs me down (in an engineering science major) . The zyprexa does keep me alseep with the 9g of xyrem but I need a whopping 10mg to 7.5mg depending on my anxiety and stress level . Fast forward to today , as I lost my insurance with the xyrem prescribing psychiatrist and xyrem medication . I saw one sleep doctor at a sleep clinic and he said my insomnia was out of the scope of his practice, despite asking for xyrem and showing him my med records showing him I was Rx'ed it for months with little issue . I have an appt. with another specialist at a sleep clinic in NJ who Rx's Xyrem june 7th . And in case that lady is a spineless waste of money , I have two other sleep doctors lined up with appointments in late july who also prescribe xyrem in late July. Any tips on how to get this med back to helping me ?? I'm officially on 4mg Klonopin, 40mg paxil, 200mg Lamictal, 1mg Halcion (useless now) seeing different therapist and psychiatrist for insurance reasons
  2. WFF earlier I was in my boss's "office room" & anxious OK then all the sudden tripping? Like it's not real trying to hold it together just weird image was distorted like an acid trip. What ?
  3. Hi all, finally jumping in here. BP2, anxiety, PTSD, and mild OCD. 200 Lamictal, 10 Lexapro, Xanax and Ambien as needed. I embrace the word crazy. I work full time, but I'm not "out" at work. I can usually disguise the hypomania as productivity. I like to think of it as "using my powers for good." Haha. Until I am so hypomanic that I just glue myself to my computer and don't talk to anyone because I sound too crazy. My sister and my husband know but aside from them and my medical professionals that's pretty much it. Sometimes that makes me lonely. Just coming down off a hypomanic episode. That's what inspired me to finally join and speak.
  4. So, I don't have a lot of experience with meds. I took Prozac a long, long time ago (8 years?) briefly and it didn't really do much. If anything, it made me feel worse at the time. Tried Wellbutrin at a low dose last year and it made my already pretty regular, vivid dreams increase in occurrence and severity. So I stopped. I'm pretty nervous about handling medication in general and was wondering if anyone had any experiences that they could share specifically with Effexor? I'm supremely nervous, as I can barely function as it is and don't know how these side effects may impact me. How long does it take to feel effect? And does anyone know at what threshold of dosage it'll actually help? I'm really flying blind here and could use any help. I'm super new to all of this. I've had a lot of different mental problems since being a kid and am just now getting around to talking to a psychiatrist and sorting through what the hell is going on in my brain. I have GAD, PTSD, social anxiety/phobias, and some other random phobias (honestly, once the anxiety/social stuff is taken care of THEN I'll work on the random phobias). Symptoms include daily paralyzing anxiety, racing negative thoughts, panic attacks, depression, anxiety around people, anxiety leaving my apartment, vivid depressing dreams, paranoia, and, recently, EXTREME amounts of jumpiness + increased paranoia (brain likes to hit me with the scariest, worst thing that could happen to me in that moment, but I don't see/hear anything, just paranoid thoughts). There are more but that's the abbreviated list. Been especially bad for about 5-6 months and finally pushed myself to get some help. Wasn't "suicidal" per se, but was definitely tossing the idea around last year; it's subsequently been replaced by extreme, crippling existentialism. Weirdly a great cure for suicidal thoughts, but also sucks in its own way. (Bonus fun random symptom: recently been waking up in the middle of the night, fine, then having to run to the bathroom and puke my guts out + covered in cold sweats and feeling like I'm literally going to pass out. Lasts 45 min or so, sometimes less, then I go back to bed and I'm fine the next day. Recently realized I must be waking up into panic attacks. Has been happening 1-2 times a month for almost the past year.) Welp, so, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. It was both an extremely good thing and also extremely traumatizing because I tend to suppress, suppress - that's how I function. But, anyways, he prescribed me Effexor. I'm only taking 37.5 for one week, then upping to 75. I'll see him again in three weeks to re-evaluate how I'm doing. I'm super duper terrified because, well, let's be real - that's my natural state. I've only been on it two days and I feel fine-ish, I guess. I had a particularly anxiety-ridden last week so my current definition of 'fine' is not having a panic attack every other day so my bar for "fine" is messed up this week. But, seriously, I'm fine. I'm just worried. I'm curious as to how long it generally takes to feel side effects for medicines like these. Is it right away? Is it months? I honestly don't even know if those are questions anyone can answer. I'm just feeling kind of alone in all of this and looking for people who know what I'm going through.
  5. Hi Everyone, I'm a returning member, joined years ago to chat about anxiety and other stuff. Now I have returned with more diagnoses! Yay! See that's me. I tend to diffuse tense situations with humor. I'm one of those depressed comedians. Well, not really. I'm actually a middle school teacher, and having a good sense of humor is essential for that kind of job. However, I'm only smiling on the outside. Inside I'm dealing with constant crippling self-doubt and depression. I'm not working at the moment. I had an acute stress reaction about a year and a half ago, was given some anti-anxiety pills, and told to take it easy. I didn't receive any other treatment, no CBT or any other kind of therapy. After a while, I started to feel better and decided I was ready to go back to work. However, after only a few weeks, the symptoms started coming back. I really liked my new job, so I decided to push through them and keep on working. Sure enough, a few months later I had to stop working again. I haven't worked for three months. At this point it's very unlikely that I will return to teaching. I just can't handle the stress since my earlier breakdown. I've dealt with anxiety my entire life so the fact that I worked as a teacher for 16 years is saying something. I've been off work since the end of January and have been waiting for an CBT appointment since then. Recently the lack of attention and treatment has pushed me into a spiral of depression. I'm one of those people who absolutely needs structure and routine in their life. I need to always be doing something or helping others. Idleness makes me feel worthless. So the stress and anxiety caused by work is made worse because of guilt of not being able to work. I talked to my doctor last week and he was appalled that I was still waiting for an appointment. I was feeling really, really low. I hadn't been sleeping, kept awake by my anxious brain which would not stop yelling at me, wondering whether drinking an entire bottle of NyQuil would put me to sleep forever, or maybe if I mixed it with some strong pain killers? Anyway, he asked me to come in right away to discuss medication for depression. Right now I'm taking only hydroxyzine for anxiety and lamotrigine for epilepsy. After talking to the doctor, we decided that I didn't seem depressed enough to need stronger meds. I was laughing, cracking jokes, and pretty much being myself during the appointment. I find my situation to be absurd and that's why I can laugh at it. Anyway, I live in Sweden. where doctors are very reticent to prescribe any kind of addictive medication. He mentioned one non-habit forming drug that could actually increase my anxiety for the first few weeks or months I was taking it. He didn't tell me what it was, but I didn't like the sound of that at all. We agreed that what I really need is therapy. He gave me some paperwork to fill out, to check my depression level, and I came up as "moderately" depressed. I guess that means I'm not a danger to myself or others but I'm impaired enough to not be able to work. Of course I haven't met with the psychiatrist yet, so he or she might have a second opinion about whether I need medication. I'm worried about it, naturally, because that's also me. Worried about everything all the time. What if they say I need medication and then it messes with my brain so much that I lose myself? I'm an artist. What if I lose my creativity? What if I lose my sex drive? What if my marriage breaks down? My mind goes to the worse case scenario immediately. Anyway, I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm asking for. I'm dealing with a lot of issues. It's just nice to be able to write this stuff down.
  6. So I leave for California in 8 days, 5 hours, 43 minutes. This is my first flight. First time to Cali. First time meeting my husbands family. First real vacation. I haven't packed yet because I'm so nervous I'm gonna pack something I need like tomorrow? But then I'm nervous because I might forget to pack solmething important because I'm waiting. I also just started a new med and I'm worried about potential side effects away from home. I'm kinda worried about flying. The rental car. What if the hotel lost our reservation? (I worked at a hotel and it happens...) I dont know how someone without anxiety can do this let alone people like us. I can't focus on work. I'm kinda shaking.... Ugh!
  7. i've been gone for a good minute, over the holidays i moved, after my eviction, i met a wonderful man, who i'm already having my worries about. he's 22 years older, 42, i'm 20. was born in the 70s, lived mostly through the 80s to well of course now, and i'm already having my doubts....like normal. fuck anxiety. really. always worrying about if he's being faithful, if he'll leave, if he loves me, or i love him, what's going to happen for/with us? the main two questions REFUSING TO STOP MAKING GOD DAMN CAMP IN MY HEAD "do i really love him?" "is he being faithful?" the main two questions, THAT ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAAAAAAAAAAYS creep into my head no matter who i'm with. he has a huge thing about privacy. and of course, me being my worry wart, paranoid self always thinks - and says, "if you're not hiding anything....why would it matter if i looked at your phone/laptop/phone records/family tree/criminal history...." the laast bit of that was just me being dramatic but you get the picture. i mentioned how old he was earlier, because he says he's used to being from a generation where privacy was expected? i guess is how to word it? he believes the government is also always watching. he said that the generation he was from, they never worried about that sort of thing. when we first got together, i was bad about going through his things.... *shocking* the last time i went through his phone, he said he was putting a lock on it. because i went behind his back, and into his things, three times... i've gone through his computer when he's had it unlocked as well. i've never found ANYTHING remotely suspicious. i mean yeah, porn is there, but he's a guy, and i enjoy porn too, hell we do as a couple. why do i still worry? he's a sex addict. i am too. i always worry he's going to fall into temptation and cheat. he's been married twice, cheated on, lied to, had all his money gambled away, etc. he's been with women who could really give two shits less about if he was happy or not. and one even beat the shit out of him. he did leave her. but the other two? was still faithful. to the end. they kept pushing him to leave. and it took him awhile to, or to realize. whichever. his friends even vouch for him saying he isn't like that. he always goes to work and straight home. doesn't have a car, and is not making enough money to get a cab to go see anyone really. so why do i worry? why? i think if he were to do anything it would be online. i bring this up and he says, "what would the point be? i couldn't see them. ever." i might add the other day, when i was on the way to my therapy session, and he was on his way to work - he's a cab driver, they always pick him up. i saw the woman driving bent over his lap. he said she was new, and showing him her car charger because they got new tablets (which is where the fare information, credit card transactions, gps, etc is all kept of course.) and that the charger she got was the wrong voltage. which when i saw him the day before at work, he explained to me. because i mentioned just getting a cheap dollar store one. i even saw the packaging from the one had had to get, which was like a 3.1V. but the way it looked, wasn't good. i even called up to his work to see what was up. the girl who was dispatching i've met. she's nice. she even said that the lady was new, and pretty hideous, and that she was my boyfriend's relief driver, and she was having problems with her charger. so i let it go. finally. anxiety is a harsh mistress...... in the fact that i have self harmed TWICE while we've been together. of course partially for attention to see if "he really loved me." i've been on new meds for a little over a month. we've been together...almost three months. yes, still fairly new, and already driving him nuts. might i add that he's bipolar? and well all know BPD, and.....BPD....clash a lot. while i took the med route, he took the natural mediation route. to each their own, of course. i know i'm everywhere right now, and i'm really sorry. it just goes back to an article i recently read. wondering about everything, anything, worrying...really. especially about him. are there people here who are the same as him? that really value their privacy? are you hiding something? what's going on there? does anyone else get this paranoid? i'm sure someone does. i can't be alone here. lawd.
  8. -Seeking friends who don't look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I just had a panic attack- Hello there! This is my first blog on here. So here I go, I'm depressed. I started taking antidepressants about two years ago after getting a brain injury from multiple concussions in soccer. Meds combined with therapy have truly saved me, I have been taking Fetzima for depression but now have to switch meds because Fetzima is draining my bank account to refill each month and I am balling on a budget. I also use comedy/jokes to diffuse my anxiety and depression; I hope you enjoy my witty banter. It in no way means I take these topics lightly, it's just part of my charm. I started Pristiq about two weeks ago, the first week I felt very content and happy and truly felt like myself. I am on a low dose because I am very sensitive to medication, and I take it at night because it helps me fall asleep. I am on day 9 or 10 now and am starting to feel a HUGE increase in depression and constant anxiety and even had a panic attack at work yesterday during a meeting. I understand symptoms may get worse before they get better, but does anyone have any feedback on how long the worst of it may last? Started a new job two months ago and really don't want my life to start unfolding. Any tips/advice would be greatly appreciated!!
  9. Hi crazyboarders. Starting lexapro 4 days ago and seroquil last night. The idea of seroquil freaks me out- not quite sure why. I Deal with anxiety and depression and my anxiety ( while on Trintellix) went through the roof. Question is about sleepiness- do you think I should rest or try to keep moving and busy. I just want to lay in bed but not sure that's the best of ideas. Would appreciate your input.
  10. I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out. About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying. Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go..... I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work...
  11. Hi all, I've done a little lurking and thought I would finally post something in hopes of being able to relate to others, get advice and perhaps even help others. Let me introduce myself. I'm Sara, I am a 29 year old mother to one beautiful, 5 year old little girl. She's my only. And my everything. Not long after giving birth to my daughter, I developed postpartum depression and OCD. The OCD took the form of intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of harming my baby. Of course, this sent me on the worst anxiety roller coaster I had ever experienced. I didn't understand what was happening to me or why. I knew I didn't want the thoughts or to harm my tiny baby but I couldn't turn off the thoughts. I started googling and that was both a blessing and curse. I found stories of other women suffering from Postpartum OCD and quickly realized that I had just that. But I also came across awful stories of psychosis that only sent my anxiety to the highest peak imaginable. I eventually convinced myself that I would become psychotic and harm my child. I never had the desire to act on my thoughts (thankfully) but would have to assure myself that if I ever felt that I was going to act on the thoughts, I would take my own life before I harmed my child in any way. Now I was paralyzed with fear and unable to function so I sought out help. After a few trials of multiple drugs and psych's, I ended up on Luvox which literally saved my life. I stayed on for 3 years and functioned really well. Took a break for a year and then last year, had a particularly rough and stressful time in my life and I wasn't coping so well so I decided to go back on. About 6 months being back on Luvox, I became less motivated, anxiety started creeping back in and then the intrusive thoughts resurfaced briefly. The thoughts arent there so much now and I think they only lasted briefly because I recalled how to manage them from prior CBT therapy. However, the anxiety, the feeling of "Something is really wrong with me" wouldn't leave. So back to the psych I went. She ordered genetic testing which revealed I have the COMT met/met gene mutation- meaning I have excess dopamine in my brain. Luvox is not effective or has adverse reactions to those with this type of mutation and advised that I taper off because it was now ineffective. Which I don't understand completely because it worked well for so long before and now- nothing. So the tapering is going...I wouldn't say well... but it's going. Im down to 25mg. And let me tell you, this is HARD to get off of. Looking back at my life, I realize that there were always OCD tendencies ad anxiety issues thanks to traumatic events in my childhood. But I guess full on OCD came on when I gave birth to my child. Currently, I just feel something is "off", I have anxiety like crazy, I obsess with whether or not I am or will become schizophrenic because yup, my OCD has turned me into a compulsive "googler," As soon as I see an article about the gene mutation I have being related to schizophrenia or psychosis, I basically panic. (thought the literature says it isn't always) I get incredibly anxious and dizzy in public, I experience DP/DR, I have hypnagogic hallucinations which can be attributed to the meds, the anxiety or even narcolepsy. I'm not sure what it is that is "off" or if this is all attributed to tapering off of luvox. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading my story.
  12. Hi everyone, I was in the process of weaning off seroquel, and had completely weaned off it (was on 600mg XR, weaned myself down to 0mg). So I asked my psychiatrist for something to make me sleep because sleeping only 3 to 6 hours a night for days on end was killing what little productivity I had. I specifically told him to not prescribe me any benzos because benzos give me anxiety. But he gave me a script for nitrazepam (mogadon) all the same. For any American readers, mogadon is a longer acting benzodiazepine that is supposed to help you stay asleep. Then it stopped working after about 3 days. After persisting with the drug for about a week, it stopped helping me altogether, and I noticed a significant increase in low mood, teary outbursts and panic. I called my psychiatrist and asked his advice, he told me to just continue with the drug and finish the bottle of 25x5mg pills he had prescribed me. My psychiatrist simply insisted that all of my symptoms were related to my PTSD and the prazosin I'm taking should be able to pick up the tab. Last Tuesday, I became so overwhelmed with life due to constant panic and sucidal thoughts that I went to my pastor's house for help, but I'd reached a stage of anxiety where I can't think clearly, or form sentences well. I was sitting in the lounge room waiting for my pastor to start a conversation but he didn't seem to pick up that I needed to talk, so I left him to what he was doing to go home and kill myself. It seemed like the only logical solution. I was intercepted by my pastor's wife on the way home, because she was driving up the street I was walking down to get home. She convinced me to get into the car, but I couldn't even talk to her really. I was too hysterical. The pastor's wife took me to the GP the next day, who gave me a plan to wean off the mogadon but she refused to release me to my own care. I refused to go to hospital, but my pastor and his wife took me in and looked after me instead. I had to be prescribed 25mg of seroquel again to take PRN and at night to sleep in combination with melatonin and I'm slowly getting better and should be able to go home by the end of the week. I have no idea why a small amount of benzodiazepines would cause such extreme symptoms in me, but it's pretty horrible when you're studying a masters, it's the middle of the trimester and you can hardly even feed yourself, or get though a day without crying. Does anyone have any idea why benzodiazepines would affect me in this way and make me so emotionally unstable that I can't do anything for myself?
  13. HI there, Just curious, does anyone get anxious about phones ringing? I turn my landline off because it makes me jump every time it starts ringing. I use a cell phone that only a few contacts are allowed to use, and it is better because I can customize the ringtone to something I like. Anyway, anyone else out there who feels the same? Poem
  14. I posted this in the depression board and no one was recalling finding it so I'm moving it here. "I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out. About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying. Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go..... I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work..."
  15. I just started Celexa 4 days ago and last night was my first time taking the full dose (From 10mg to 20mg). I take it at night and wake up exhausted. Like I'm falling asleep every time I sit down and this morning I woke up with the super shakes. I'm also clenching my jaw big time and I don't grind my teeth ever. Celexa was the first anti depression med that I ever tried and I came off of it because of the sexual side effects (maybe tmi? oh well). My Dr wanted to see how it worked again since I didn't have a terrible reaction with it the first round. I would definitely remember if shaking or jaw clenching was a thing. What is going on here?? Side note I am also on 300 mg of Lamictal and Xanax as needed.
  16. I was on Seroquel for years and decided to change to Zyprexa hoping that the side effects would be less. Zyprexa turned out to be worse and so I changed back to seroquel and got really bad akathisia. So I changed back to Zyprexa again for a couple of months then decided to give the seroquel a try again, starting at a low dosage and increasing it slowly. When I increased the dosage to 200mg I suddenly started getting severe panic attacks and a sense of dread and anxiety that would not go away. So I changed back to Zyprexa again. This was about a month ago and the anxiety has not gone anywhere. I live with a sense of dread and panic every minute of every day. Could this be akathisia again? The last time I had it I couldn't sit still which is different now, its just a sense of inner distress that hangs with me. I don't know what to do! My doctor thinks its just normal anxiety but I really feel like the seroquel caused some kind of physiological change, its completely abnormal for me.
  17. So I've got anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. My husband is one of the most anxious people I've ever met. So today we decided to run some errands and we were going to take his car. I needed to grab something out of my truck. I locked the truck, then locked it again when I got in my husband's car. It makes a beep sound and the lights flash when I press lock on my key fob. My husband then asked if I was sure the truck was locked. I said yes...then I think so, and I hit lock on my keychain again. I heard the beep and said that it was definitely locked. My husband throws the car in reverse and says,"But I didn't hear it lock and I also didn't see the lights flash." He stops and locks my truck one more time. It's amazing we are able to get anywhere!
  18. I have issues surrounding psychosomatic pregnancy and have discovered that my PMS symptoms are different this month and have gradually changed since my anxiety returned. I used to get characteristically sore breasts but now I have hardly any symptoms before a period. I am 17 and have been getting my period for 4 years. Is it normal for my symptoms to change month to month?
  19. Please can someone help. I am very stressed and worried. I am 19 weeks 3 days pregnant and have been taking 400 mg of quetiapine the whole pregnancy so far for physocosis, insomnia, and anxiety. Can someone please tell me if they have ever or is taking Quatiapine during pregnancy ??? If so how did it effect the baby, mentally.. physically.. please Help. I don't think me stressing about the answers to this is good for me and the child.
  20. I have a constant urge to start over... to just run away from my life. It happens in the immediate sense, for instance, I could be sitting at a traffic light and have an intense urge to drive out of state or away for a week (yes, I have acted on these urges). Or I can have an urge to sell my house in the city and buy a farm in another state (yes, I have acted on these urges). I always want to move, I always want to start over. At the same time, I crave stability and planting roots. If I didn't have kids I would probably just wander all the time. It's like I'm always seeking something... I always want to see something new. At the same time, when I picture my ideal life/ future, I'm on a farm/ homestead with my husband or life partner (whoever he may be), am I am firmly planted, happy, grounded, rooted, etc. Anybody else have these sort of feelings? -Captive
  21. I am 27 years old and have been off and on antidepressants since I was about 16. I have had most success with Cymbalta 60mg. However, cymbalta makes it hard for me to get an erection, so I am looking for other options. Over the past 8 months I have been weaning myself off cymbalta, first to 40 mg for a few months, then to 30mg for a few months. A little over a week ago I stopped the cymbalta entirely and started taking Wellbutrin 150mg. I'm not sure if I can feel anything from that, but I am definitely feeling the cymbalta wearing off and the dark cloud coming. I have also been taking Buspirone 10mg twice a day for a few months, but I can't really feel a difference from that I don't think. I think my problem is mainly with anxiety, and not really depression, although I am definitely depressed. I am downright scared of people. I am always anxious and fearful of nothing. When I am walking around the cubical farm at work, when someone is walking around the corner at the same time, I sometimes will jolt back because I am so on edge. I think I walk around with an anxious/fearful look on my face, which I think other people find off putting. I am anxious and look anxious, which makes people uneasy about me, which in turn makes me more anxious, so it's kind of a cycle. I think I in general have an 'asshole face', and people's natural reaction to my physicality is negative. I think people see me looking anxious, and they either see a potential threat or a potential victim of abuse. I am constantly the victim of abuse both from people I know and strangers. I think people just see me as an easy target to take their sadism out on. I think my most fundamental problem is that I deeply want to be liked and accepted by others, but am usually not liked and accepted. I have always had a sense of being an outsider, even going back to childhood. In highschool I would constantly smoke pot because it was something to do with friends, even though I knew it was bad for my anxiety. I think that humans are basically just monkeys with a more complicated social structure, and I have been determined to be an undesirable, and am destined to live a lonely life filled with abuse. I don't want to make this too long, so thank you to anyone who has read this. I just wanted to get some stuff off my chest, hopefully to some people that might be able to relate.
  22. Hi, I'm not sure where to start. I would just like the opinions of others on what might be going on with me. I am and have been already seeking help from a doctor(s) for awhile. In June 2016 I had a series of tragic life events happen to me when I was abroad for college. I had a misdiagnosed pulmonary embolism which could have killed me, along with two suicides on my dad's side of the family and law school exams. I had experienced some anxiety as a teenager, which I have just recently realized were anxiety, but they were always triggered by something. When I was 16 I was followed by a car and would not drive to that area of town for at least 2 years afterwards. When I was 17 someone broke into my two neighbors houses and I slept with the light on for a month and developed OCD tendencies of turning the light on and off a certain amount of times. Fast forward to June 2016, I had to quit birth control (which seemed to stabilize me) cold turkey due to the pulmonary embolisms which wrecked havoc on my hormones. I had my first panic attack in late June and remember feeling dissociation, like I wasn't mentally there, fast heart rate, etc. I had multiple panic attacks in the months after which led me to the ER thinking it was another pulmonary embolism and unsure if I would wake up in the morning. Then, when my aunt committed suicide I became obsessed with the idea that because my cousin and aunt did it, it could happen to me too (my paternal grandmother is also bipolar 2). I had intrusive thoughts of suicide non stop for a few months and it was ruining my life and giving me intense anxiety. I ended up deferring school until next year and came back to the US as I couldn't handle these problems while being far from home. In August I started to develop actual depression symptoms where I just lacked motivation and had no appetite. I'd say it was a mild to moderate depression. I still had suicidal intrusive thoughts and could not look at a knife or belt because it scared me to death. I still feel that way on occasion. I started having sleeping problems in September where I can't sleep through the night, have vivid dreams and wake up often but am able to fall back asleep. I started Lexapro in October at 2.5mg and had an increase in anxiety/jitters with each up dose. I also had an annoying symptom for awhile of having song clips replay in my head. I am now at 7.5mg and although I feel my depression has definitely improved, my anxiety has not. I have dissociation nearly every day, especially in social situations. I feel dizzy and my vision is a bit off. I just feel kind of foggy. I also have EXTREME anxiety of being alone. I slept in my parents room every night for a few months until recently because I get paranoid and scared to be alone. Now I am sleeping through the night thanks to xanax (.25mg) and melatonin (2mg) but I need to sleep 9-10 hours and wake up groggy and feel that way most of the day. If I just take the xanax, I can't sleep. Some days are good, others not. I have a hard time focusing and sometimes I will get obsessed with an idea, such as getting a dog and will be quite impulsive and urgent about it. My mom says I have been this way since I was young. I don't know if I just have anxiety and depression or if there is something more. Cyclothymia? ADHD? BPD? I have mood changes, but they are throughout the day and never lasting weeks or months at a time. They are not SEVERE either. For example, sometimes I am more talkative and outgoing than normal, but I do not do anything weird. My sleep also hasn't changed, I always sleep 9-10 hours a night. I know what mania is and I have never been that way, even hypomania seems to be a stretch. Is ADHD similar? I was a hyper kid that talked a lot and needed attention, and always had a hard time focusing in school because I talked so much during class. I'm just trying to look for some insight. I feel lost in this and have an appointment with my pdoc on Tuesday but I'm not sure where to start with her. Thanks for any opinions in advance!
  23. Hey everyone! Hope you are having a nice morning. I wanted to chat with likeminded individuals about something I've been struggling with lately. I have anxiety and bipolar type II that has been controlled for nearly 4 years with regular therapy and the right medication, with milder interruptions that can be upsetting from time to time (such as the below) in stressful times. I am wondering if anyone has experienced a similar "pattern" so to speak. This was the cycle.... Sunday/Monday (down, depressed) Tuesday and Wednesday (charged up, making tons of plans, no appetite, no need for sleep/caffeine) , Thursday (agitated depressed- no need for sleep, racing thoughts, etc. but very depressed mood, crying for no reason, not handling stress well). I imagine now it will just be more depressive symptoms for a couple of days. these "moods" seem to follow a very set pattern day to day (slightly up, very up, and then down) and last a couple of weeks at most. I definitely know the down mods can be prompted by alcohol consumption (when I'm slightly hypomanic I tend to drink more than usual at dinner, etc.) Anyone else experience this? I want to make sure I am categorizing my moods correctly, if they ARE in fact moods and not just a bad bout of anxiety! Looking forward to hearing from y'all!
  24. Hi guys, This is my first time asking the internet for advice so apologies if I screw anything up and for the novel-length post. I’m not at immediate risk - things are getting rocky again but I have already made appointments to see a doctor and therapist. I would appreciate any feedback, comments, similar experiences, or being pointed towards useful resources. In terms of background, I think things went a little off for me around 13. My sleep has been shoddy since. When I was 14 for a year I barely left my room, didn't go to school (not a country where it mattered), would occasionally run away, punched walls and experimented with various forms of self-harm, would spend most of my time in bed staring at the ceiling, often very badly wanted to end it but couldn't inflict that disaster on my parents who then bore the brunt of my anger when I decided that they were to blame for standing in my way. So I thought often about killing them too because that's logical. In retrospect a pretty classic case of angsty teenage depression. At one point my sleep was very disturbed for almost a week. I went downstairs to get a yoghurt and insects started crawling all over me and I saw lots of blood. I very vividly remember that I used my fingers to push through my eardrums into my head and then pushed out my eyeballs from behind. I was terrified but internalised it and was probably in denial that it had happened or that it was me who saw that (if that makes sense). I’ve never watched horror films, have never witnessed a car accident, or in fact had anything traumatic happen to me at all. Who knows. I eventually got over the worst of it and aside from occasional periods of depression and self-harm nothing much happened until about 2013 when things went south a little bit. I felt like I was moving through slush and that people were talking to me underwater. It took a little bit of time, probably around two weeks, for me to get myself to a doctor (I’m stubborn and I thought I might be getting sick again and I was scared I would end up like a close relative whose mental illness has turned her into a zombie). I was immediately diagnosed with depression and prescribed ssris that I took at best sporadically, since I had a deep-down belief that relying on them would mean I was weak (more logic). From there on things degenerated somewhat. I began to hear the radio, or someone slamming the door and moving around, but I would head on over to switch the radio off or say hello to my roommate and the radio would already be off and no-one had come home. Then I began to have episodes where I would again feel my hands were pushing through my ears to pop out my eyeballs, and I would dig holes in my chest til I could see my exposed ribs and snap them, and mushy bits would ooze everywhere and there would be a lot of blood and a lot of pain. Seeing this would often trigger a panic attack. I sometimes had panic attacks without images but never images that didn’t trigger absolute panic, since they were fairly terrifying things to witness. Once I had to be physically restrained because I was trying to scratch something out of my arm with my fingernails and by the time someone noticed I had scratched a deep enough wound to leave a pretty gross scar that won’t go away no matter how much bloody bio oil I massage into it. During another episode my boyfriend at the time had come up for a cup of tea or something and I apparently told him things were coming and that he had to take a knife and kill me before things happened. Sometimes I had to self-harm quickly because I could feel things coming and if I could see and feel my hands doing something like that then it was easier to believe that they weren’t doing something else, if that makes any sense. I was hospitalised twice in crisis situations but the psychiatric wards were mindnumbing and I was scared that being surrounded by people with serious issues would somehow trigger or emphasise mine so I always got out as soon as I could. I was variously diagnosed with severe anxiety with intrusive thoughts, depression, bpd, psychosis, or preschizophrenic symptoms. At the time I didn’t read anything on the internet or in books as I thought I might be influenced by what I read so I let the doctors do their thing, but at a later date I started reading around and although I identify strongly with descriptions of depression and anxiety (then again I already knew that) and partially with some descriptions of psychosis, I think the diagnoses of schizophrenia or bpd were patently bollocks which has shaken my trust in doctors a little. I was prescribed with anti-depressants, benzodiazepines, and anti-psychotics but even aside from my inherent stubbornness against medication I was in no fit state to stick to a treatment plan so took them erratically, I wouldn’t take them and them someone would notice and force me to take them for a while and then I would stop again etc. At some point I moved home and got a very manual job which left me physically exhausted and with no free time so I was in a comforting cycle of work sleep work sleep etc. I was screened again for psychosis but the symptoms had begun to subside and I found that recounting the experience was very distressing so didn’t take any form of treatment further - I was just grateful that it seemed to have stopped and that the whole thing was over. Things have been alright for a long time now but I’m having some wobbles and in any case I can’t keep working to the point of exhaustion just to keep from spiralling. I want to be able to have free time and enjoy it without immediately sinking into a cycle where I feel happy and energetic and then flip flop into comatose and then when I get energy again I can’t enjoy it because I have to catch up on everything I didn’t do when I was comatose. I want to be able to do things that are intellectually demanding without grinding to a halt and have happy, fun relationships and most of all I want to seek treatment and finally fess up to what happened and do everything I can so that it doesn't happen again because it's terrifying and it's kind of bollocks that the fear I have of these images is enough to trigger a panic attack because honestly the way these things feed off each other is fairly toxic. I know I’ve got depression and anxiety and panic attacks and I’ve read many accounts I identify with and that have helped me consider these things difficult but approachable and certainly not the end of the world. It’s the episodes I’d appreciate talking through. I’ve read accounts of intrusive images in relation to OCD and anxiety and I think it must be that, but these accounts haven’t quite rung true in the same way that accounts of depression have with me. I suppose they’re not psychosis or delusions because it’s pretty obvious after that they didn’t happen (or I’d have spent a lot of 2013/14 just splopping my eyeballs back into their sockets like some deranged bungee jumper). Also they just sort of went away after a while but these recent wobbles have me paranoid that they’ll come back. Please help me pinpoint what happened so I can try and fix it. And if you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read.
  25. Hi everyone. I know you should not drink while on Lexapro but I wanted to get an opinion. I am currently on 7.5mg (I have been taking Lexapro for 3 months) and I take it around 8:30pm. Last night I had a Christmas party and decided to have a glass and a half of wine. I hardly ever drink, so please do not suggest an alcohol problem. This is my third glass of wine in 7 months. Anyways, I had bad dissociation and anxiety when I got to the party. However after one glass of wine I was more outgoing and sociable than the last time I can remember. A little hyper even. Later on I started to get a headache and felt kind of dizzy and out of it. I am small, 5'1" and 105 pounds. I take Xanax (.25mg) and melatonin (1mg) to sleep, so I took that about 6 hours after having my last glass of wine. I slept 10 hours and could have probably slept 14. I feel SO tired today and hungover! Is this normal? I won't be drinking on Lexapro again Thanks in advance
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